Fessing Up

Two posts in one day again. I needed to "talk" about this with people who would get it. I don't want to burden Mr SC right now. He's doing well but in pain from his surgery. I want to be there for him and not give him even more emotional crap from me.

I don't have very many friends. I have many acquaintances but only a few close friends. Those close friends that I do have don't live anywhere near me, which makes it tough. Perhaps it's the only child in me that this never really has bothered me. I'm a loner, for the most part. Plus, until I met Mr SC, I was relatively guarded in life for fear of being hurt.

Anyway, one of my closest friends lives in Austin, TX. We've been friends since we graduated from college and were roommates for a couple of years. We've lost touch over time, just because our lives are busy and crazy. I know though that she's there if I need her.

Over the last six months or so, I've been pretty much out of touch with any of the friends I do have. I don't call them back or don't follow through with potential get-togethers. Why? Well, it's tough. I so dread the "how are you?" or "what's new" questions. I'm a horrible faker and I just was afraid to get into it. I don't want my friends to remember me or think of me with pity.

My friend from Austin has called me several times and I've never called back. I emailed her tonight and spilled my beans. She didn't know about the third miscarriage, the surgeries, the diagnosis, the depression. She does now. She was so reassuring...offered me a place to stay to get away and visit and asked all sorts of good questions. She brought up things like a surrogate and other things, but then said she hoped that she didn't' offend me. She just didn't know what to say and wanted to try to fix it but didn't know how. She then said that she hopes that everything works out because I will be an amazing mother.

So here I am in tears. I hate not wanting to talk to Mr SC. I hate letting myself acknowledge that fear that I'm never going to be a mother. And I miss my friend. I just want to see her and forget all the bullshit and just have fun the way we used to.

Thanks, Jin!

Jin (The Truth is Out There) nominated me for the Beautiful Blogger award. Stop by and check out her blog if you haven't already. Thanks so much, Jin! So, here's what I need to do:

• Thank the person who nominated me and copy the award in my blog
• Link the person who nominated me for this award
• Share seven interesting things about myself
• Nominate seven fellow bloggers and add the links to their blogs

Hmm...what can I say about myself that's interesting. I don't know how "interesting" this is but here it goes:

1. I'm a huge Penn State fan and have my classroom decorated accordingly, right down to the blue and white M&Ms. I was featured in the Harrisburg, PA newspaper a couple of years back in a section devoted to crazed fans. They interviewed me and came to my classroom and took pics.

2. My dog, Nittany, is a Dock Dog. She placed first this summer in a national competition in her division. It's a ton of fun and Mr SC and I have met some great people doing it.

3. I lost my last baby tooth when I was 15.

4. I hate when traffic lights are different shades of the same color.

5. I collect globes. This makes me sound like a dork, I know. I enjoy going antiquing and finding them (and also trying to figure out the time period they're from, based on the countries) Ahh, the history teacher in me.

6. I love chocolate. Other than eating it (which I try not to do), I have chocolate candles, chocolate body wash, chocolate body scrub and several different kinds of chocolate lip gloss.

7. I drive fast. Way too fast. I'm pretty darn lucky I've only ever had one speeding ticket.

And my nominees are... (drum roll, please!)

• Mai @ Salvageable
• Noelle @ The Desire of My Heart
• Marla @ Marla'z Austin Journey
• Jo @ MoJo Working
• Elizabeth @ Where the Wright Day Takes You
• Em @ Bean Stalk Ballads
• Michelle @ IF Crossroads

I'm still here and am offering an apology

I was such a bad ICLWer this time around. I'm so sorry. :( I promise to do better next time and I'm going to try to get caught up in a few minutes.

Thanks for understanding that I wasn't meaning to be whiny about good ol' AF. It was fun to write the "letter" to her. It looks like she's on her way out of town, thank goodness!

Things have been a bit hectic. It's the end of the semester and there were exams to grade, in addition to getting quarter grades finished. That took up a bit of time. Plus, Mr SC has his surgery tomorrow, so I'm trying to get things taken care of for him.

I actually planned on having such a fun night last night..Y&R on Soap.net, America.n Idol and getting caught up on blogs. Then, poof! No electricity. From 7pm-2am. YIKES!!!! There went that idea.

I decided to take the day off tomorrow and take Mr SC for his surgery. I appreciated all of your valid points when I asked WWYD and was very close to letting my stepfather take him. Then I realized that if something happened to him, I'd never forgive myself. So, off I am. Saturday I'm taking him to an all-day wrestling tournament (he coaches) so that he can do what he can for the kids. I think he's nuts, but he's a big boy. Sunday my parents are coming for the day. It looks like it will be a good weekend.

The best part? This may be TMI for some of you...but after three weeks, we can have sex tonight! Bow chicka wow wow! :)

A Letter

Warning: If you don't like profanity, stop reading now.

Dear AF,

You are a dirty, nasty, vile FUCKING BITCH. As if your presence isn't bad enough, you have to completely be KICKING MY ASS this month.

Thanks a whole hell of a lot.

Much hate,
Kelly

Disclaimer: I am not one to whine about AF. I was warned by my RE that it would be "nasty" this cycle. Yep, she was right. I have tried to take a multitude of different pills at different times, to no avail.

My, How Things Have Changed!

First, a huge congratulations to the Indianapolis Co.lts for making the Superbow.l! Their last Superbowl appearance was when they won it, three years ago.

February of 2007... Wow, my life sure has changed.

This post is hard for me to write. It's not TTC related at all and it's something I don't talk about very often. Mr SC and I don't talk about our pasts. We just don't. I know that many things in my past have helped shape me into who I am today, yet I really feel like I never really was truly happy until I met Mr SC. He feels the same. So, we focus on the now and our dreams for the future.

When the Colts won the Superbowl the last time, I hadn't even met Mr SC yet. I was smack dab in the middle of one of the most painful experiences of my life.

I relocated three years ago. I left my family (primarily my mother, who is my best friend) and friends behind and took a job in a new city. It was tough to get a job and it took me two years to do it. I hated my old school district and was searching for a position in a new location. I was about a month into my new job in February, 2007. I had also just had my heart ripped to shreds.

When I relocated, I was with someone else. He lived about a half an hour from my new school, which was two hours away from my hometown. We had been together for several years, but mainly in a long distance relationship. I thought I was happy but looking back, I realize it wasn't as fulfilling as a relationship as I thought it was. Anyway, my ex and I talked a great deal about whether or not we wanted to live together. I was stuck on the fact that I didn't want to feel like I was moving for him...I was moving and found the new job for myself. In the end, we decided to live together. We went apartment hunting (he had pushed to buy a house together, but I was hesitant since we weren't married) and he moved out of his smaller place into our bigger one. We went furniture shopping together to add to the nice new things he had. So when I moved, I gave up every possession. My stuff was old and hand-me-downs, so why not? I donated it all and felt pretty good about it.

Right away, things didn't seem right. I wasn't sure why. This should be the happiest time of our lives but it wasn't. It was more like we were roommates and it was strange. Looking back, I can see all the signs so clearly. But then, I couldn't believe it. I confided in a friend my fears and she told me I was insane...I had just moved there. Why would I move there if this were true? And then, to my horror, I found out it was.

I got home from work early one day and found an e-card from another woman. I came to learn that he had been cheating on me for six months. The kicker? We shared the same name and the same profession. She lived a MILE from where I had just moved from, in my home town.

For about a week, I begged him to try to work it out. We had been together for years. I just changed jobs. I had nothing. For a week, he said he would. These words do not even convey the pain that I went through. I couldn't believe someone would do that to me. He pushed for us to move in together. WHY? After I week, I came to my senses and kicked him out. He gave me money to buy new furniture (heck, it was the least he could do) and I began trying to rebuild my life, again. He stayed with a friend and I found a new apartment for my dog (Lewie) and me after about three weeks. People I barely knew helped me move and I started over, again.

The night that I moved is the night I met Mr SC.

I had known "of" him already. I teach with his SIL and had heard he speaking about him at lunch. I remember thinking that it was a shame I had a boyfriend because this guy sounded amazing. LOL. Against my better judgement, I left Lewie in the strange new apartment and went out with Mr SC, future SIL & BIL and another couple to a comedy club. It was the most I had laughed in years. Mr SC was interested right away but knew my situation and didn't push or anything (heck it took him a month after we started dating to kiss me!). It took me about a month before I gave SIL my number to give to him. I gave it to her on a Wednesday. I remember thinking that I wasn't sure if I was ready but that it would take a few days for him to call, I had plans the following weekend...that would give me two weeks. Nope. He called me the same night. I've talked to him every night since.

I have found my soul mate and my best friend. Mr SC is my rock and my life. I can't imagine my life without him in it. Although our losses have been hell, I know that I can get through anything with him by my side, holding my hand.

It Really Wasn't That Long After All...

I'm trying really hard to remain positive. Unfortunately, for the most part, this simply involves denial. Maybe not actually denial but shoving thoughts out of my brain. Entirely and completely. I'm human, so sometimes I get too overwhelmed and out they come. That's what leads me here.

I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying not to think about having to take another two cycles off (a total of five months since our last loss) and although I think I'm better, even thinking about TTC and the RE giving us the green light (which didn't happen, but anyway) sent me into a tailspin. I'm trying not to think about 2010 will be another year that we won't be having a baby. Or the fact that I'm afraid I have more scar tissue growing inside me. Or the whole infection fiasco. Or our three losses.

But today it hit me. The thing I remember most about my pregnancies? Well, the two after my first miscarriage... How every single minute of every single day felt like an absolute eternity. How every trip to the bathroom made me upset, wondering if this would be when I found out I would be losing the baby. How sex with Mr SC became robotic, because I was afraid I'd start spotting. How every time I woke up in the middle of the night (which happened 4-5 times a night) I would think I so many hours closer to being another day pregnant. All I wanted to do is hit that magical 2nd trimester. That's a milestone I never came close to making. Life did go on, even though at the time, I felt frozen.

I can't imagine going through all that again. I guess it's good I have another two months to think (or not think) about it.

EEEOWW!! And Puke!

I posted a little while ago about my lazy weekend, courtesy of experiencing pain when clothed. Turns out I have something so much better to say.

First...those of you on FB have to have seen this...women are wonderful, please copy and paste this. Nice message at the end...don't give us shit. Ha. But if I read one more time, "give her sperm she will make a baby" I'm going to hit the roof!! PUKE. BARF. Whatever word you use for vomit insert it here.

Speaking of hitting the roof...

So I've been a trooper with my Tin.actin. SC even brought the can to school when he brought my change of clothes today. That made me crack up laughing. Anyway, that shit BURNS. HOLY HELL DOES IT BURN! It feels like cinnaburst gum (which I hate) on your lady parts. Or, like I've been wiping my cooch with sandpaper and then pouring salt on it. It goes away after about 10 minutes, but still. EEOWW!! So, SC looks at the can and then sprays it on his hand. His hand starts to sting and he says, I'm going to the drug store. You aren't spraying this down there anymore. There's alcohol in it!! See, RE told me powder but I couldn't find it, so I bought powder in a can. SC explains something about there being alcohol in it to thin it out to come out of the nozzle... Gee thank you, Mr Scientist.

All I can hear is blah, blah, blah...my cooch is on FIRE!!