Yes, I do realize that the title isn't grammatically correct.
I need to get this out. I've been thinking about it and have been trying to work through it, but to no avail. So, here I am.
I am so nervous. I can't think of myself as pregnant. Even though in three of my other four losses I was "behind" on my first u/s, we were told (somehow, to some degree) that it could all be fine and to come back in a week for a follow-up.
I can't help but think that my little bean's heart has stopped beating. I have no reason to think this. I'm not having any problems...at all. Of course though, in my head, I figure that's because I'm on proges.terone and that's what stopping the inevitable spotting that would have occurred by now if I weren't on it.
It doesn't help that I stopped my Lex.apro after last week's good news. But, I then think that the fact that I'm allowing myself to have these bad thoughts is because something bad's happened and I just don't know it yet. After all, my ultra-calm state proved to be for a reason last week? Maybe I know this time, deep down.
One more week to go...
So, it remains to be seen if writing it out has actually helped. I don't know if there's any helping me. If you've read my ramblings to this point, post a comment about something you love. Or a funny story. Or something that no one knows about you. Or the soap op.era you watch.
I don't have a particularly funny story at the moment, but I can suggest a website that will take up an inordinate amount of time, and make you laugh till you pee:
ReplyDeletehttp://damnyouautocorrect.com/
Some are silly, most are hilarious. Hope this helps to distract you some... Hugs!
No really funny stories right now, and I don't watch soaps... but I confess, I do watch Matlock reruns just about every day. Pathetic, huh?
ReplyDeleteIf we're going for funny distractions -- if you have never gone to Cake wrecks (http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com) you should. Hours of hilarity.
ReplyDeleteIs there any way you could get in for an ultrasound? My doc has told me that if I ever feel like I need one, I could come in. It would help you get through the weekend!
ReplyDeleteTry to keep busy - I'll try to think of something funny... In the meantime, know that all of us are out here rooting for you and your little bean!
OK, so I followed Melissa's link above and I have been LMAO for about 20 minutes straight...So very distracted now...
ReplyDelete*hugs* I am sorry your brain is making you nuts and making you worry that something is going to go wrong. My mind is doing the exact same thing and I haven't been what you have been through. I can only imagine. Wishing the best for you.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI can't think of anything funny, but I'll post about something I love...my dog! He's so sweet and keeps me company all day working from home. I also love pizza, and I would probably eat a slice right now if it were to magically appear.
Http://cuteoverload.com
ReplyDeleteI think beets taste like dirt. Blech.
Hmm....something funny...here's one of my all-time favorite funny videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_sfnQDr1-o.
ReplyDeleteThough I warn you that the song in it will get stuck in your head forever. So watch with discretion.
Did you see the bird that dances to "Whip My Hair"? LOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL!!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZrSY_ISn4w&feature=fvsr
I hope this next week goes by FAST! =)
I won't post a youtube video...ummm, because I can't from my phone. Let's see. Funny...crap, I can't be fuuny on command. I am an open book. So that leaves something I love. I LOVE the smell of Fall, and of snow coming. Mkes me grinn fromear to ear!
ReplyDeleteHang in there sweetie. Try yo go in early.
Ok, I second that damnyouauticorrect website. I have an iPhone and that's a daily thing for me.
ReplyDeleteGuilty pleasure - regency romance books. Or romances set in the US right when the colonists came over, but mainly the regency ones. And I kinda wish there was a ball held at some point so I have an excuse to learn how to waltz, lol.
Sending thoughts & love your way and hoping so much that everything is healthy for you and baby. Stay strong...hoping the next week goes by quickly for you!
ReplyDeleteI love a cup of hot chai tea on a cold day and a great book!
I am a FB gamer when I need to zone out for a while. So addictive, especially when you're trying to beat friends scores.
ReplyDeleteMy fingers are crossed.
I think beets taste like tinfoil - and so does yellow squash. Can't stand the stuff! Just the smell in the house makes me want to spit...
ReplyDeleteI can waste hours at http://gofugyourself.com/
I was just telling my Mom today that I will be so glad when this little one is born. I realized I will never just enjoy being pregnant. RPL takes the joy out of pregancy. I worry every second that my body will do something to the baby. I have been worried all week so I went in today just to see if she was OK. I know they think I'm a crazy pregnant lady but I don't care. You'll probably feel this way until the day the baby is born. For me I am just trying to learn to manage it.
ReplyDeleteFWIW, I think your feelings are totally normal, given what you have been through.
ReplyDeleteI love this video, and it always brings a smile to my face:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAV0XrbEwNc&has_verified=1
Warning: the song has profanity and it is catchy and is generally stuck in my head for a few days after hearing it. ;-)
I hate that you are feeling this anxiety, but I'm sure it's totally normal. As for distractions, I find the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to be a shameful escape...so much botox and excess...I love it!
ReplyDeleteIt has helped me to distract myself with reading, so friend gave me a book on CD when I was traveling a few weeks back. I have never listened to one, thought I'd hate it (the listening and the book), but ended up loving it! To the funny story part...
ReplyDeleteThe book was so good I had to immediately go to B&N and get the 2nd in the series (no it's not twilight). I looked and looked then finally broke down and ask for help. Of, course they had it, it's right back here--in the TEEN section. Slightly embarassing, but more funny that my friend's mom and aunt (in their late 50's, early 60's) recommended the books!
If you're wondering it was Hunger Games and the two following books, sooooo good, will totally get your mind off of worry (at least temporarily, it's never permenant!).
Continuing to lift you up!!
I agree with HOPE, pregnancy following loss(es) is never easy. We know too much, have suffered too much and have been robbed of our innocence. I find myself trying to live in the moment, but it sure is hard some days. I'm praying for you Kelly and praying for the safe keeping of your little bean.
ReplyDeleteMuch Love
Well, first of all, you're totally normal. And you have four reasons to be worried. Not to think this one will end too, but to be worried, certainly.
ReplyDeleteFunny story? Um, I meant to go to spin class before work last week. Well, I mean, I do go. But one morning, I was a few minutes late and didn't want to go in late and feel like an ass. So I decided to go into the gym and just do a regular old lifting workout. And due to my sleepy fog, I didn't realize till I'd been there 20 minutes that I was wearing my painting shorts. In which I had actually *sat* in an almost-empty tray of wall paint. I had picked them out b/c I was going to spin - it's dark! It's early! Who cares? And instead was squatting my white-painted ass on my yellow shorts for God and country to see.
(*hugs*) I think it's just your way of trying to protect yourself in case something goes wrong- nothing more and nothing less. Perfectly normal. I am hoping so badly things continue going well for you, hang in there!
ReplyDeleteGirl def dont beat yourself up for having these feelings all of us that have suffered RPL understand and its normal to have these feelings...I got a fetal heart monitor because I needed assurance in between my many visits...Also things will be so much better when you can feel the baby move:)
ReplyDeleteAs for a funny story or something you can look forward too is something called pregnancy brain...I swear Im losing my brain....Today at my OB appt...Keep in mind I do this one to two times a week....First you check in then go to the bathroom...write your name on the pee cup...unscrew the cap...and then of course pee in the cup...Well today at the office I did steps one and two but then sat down and realized I had forgotten the part about peeing in the cup as I was almost through I was like Crap Im not peeing in the cup...Luckily I was able to stop and fill up the cup enough for them to test my urine...But man I am losing it:)
i know EXACTLY how you feel...I am/was going through the same thing this fall...and now I am almost 20 weeks - so I will pray that your little one continues to STICK!! positive thoughts (even though that is SO HARD!)
ReplyDeleteWhat you're feeling is completely normal. I haven't gone through anything like you have, and I was still a nervous wreck between u/s. If you need a u/s ASAP for reassurance, you should call for one. They'll understand. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to think of a funny story--here's one about my MIL. Years ago, we were all getting ready to go on vacation to the Outer Banks. J's sisters were still in college and lived at home for the summer. MIL says, "You girls better turn off that tv and get packed or else Dad is going to come home and we're going to start getting freaky!" OMG. We laughed until we cried and that just made MIL even more enraged, "Did you hear me? He's going to get freaky!" She had no idea what that meant and it just made us laugh even more. We still tease her about that today!
Given the trauma you've been through I think it would be stranger for you to feel none of these things. But how I am hoping that within a few weeks you make it to where you've never been before, and that this brings the peace and assurance you deserve.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to think up a funny story and am drawing a blank. But will post back when I think of one.
Do you watch Cougar Town? It's always GREAT for a laugh.
ReplyDeleteHave you seen the latest Harry Potter movie? It's really really good. I liked it better than the book, and I NEVER say that.
I'm with you, sister. I keep repeating "so far so good" and "one day at a time" to myself. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteOh hon, you've got every reason in the world to be worried right now! But you're handling it really well and you deserve to be proud of yourself.
ReplyDeletehttp://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ makes me laugh when nothing else will. And now, to avoid jacking your comment thread with a long story, I will go back to my blog and post the story of the time I locked myself in the trunk of my car.