This post isn't necessarily meant to have a sad tone, but I suppose the subject itself can only be sad. I don't feel sad, but just, well...I don't know how to describe it.
I know so many women who (whether they've suffered from IF or not) have gotten pregnant, carried to term and have healthy children, all since I've started TTC and had my four miscarriages.
There have been first birthday parties and second birthday parties and heck, some are even working on number two.
All while I'm still stuck in this horrible place. Stuck here. No matter how hard we tried, we can't move forward. It just hasn't happened. The thing that makes this the most difficult for me is that we can't get pregnant. I don't mean that we aren't physically able, I mean that becauase of my elevated nk cells, if I get pregnant again, the baby will die. Again.
Mr SC and I used to have an amazing "marital relationship", ahem, if you get what I mean. Now, I avoid it like the plague. I hope it's over as soon as it starts. Why? Because all I think about is how terrified I am about getting pregnant and how I'm having a difficult time enjoying something that has brought so much emotional pain.
So with the tentative "plan" in place for January and the intralipid infusions (to bring down my nk cells) every cycle until we get pregnant again, well, I hope these next few months go by very slowly. Why? If I'm terrified of having sex, I don't know how to turn that switch back on again. We've never felt like things have suffered in that department when TTC. I never really even needed to determine when I was ovulating because we covered the bases on our own anyway.
And now, here I am, feeling stuck and dealing with knowing that there can't be any "oops". We have to go back to avoiding pregnancy at all costs for now.
This is just a really, really shitty place to be. All the while, others are sharing their beautiful baby photos and marveling about how they can't believe how long it's been and how much their babies have grown. All evidence of how much life goes on while I'm just completely stuck here. How pathetic.
I so, so hope that your January cycle is the cycle for you so that you can stop being stuck and start enjoying the bedroom again. It took me ages because I lost track of the fun and just felt like it was pointless. It's so hard sweetie. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteIt is like being stuck in limbo, and it is just horrible. Horrible horrible. Watching months fly by...I'm there with you darling. Still reading the blogs of women who started TTC with me, those who got pregnant with me...they're all still pregnant or have already had their babies and I'm still here, the only thing I have is more losses, more miscarriages.
ReplyDeleteI dont have anything to say that will help, except perhaps that you arent the only one in this limbo! We can keep each other company, no? I'll bring the chocolate, you bring the cookies, k?
xxx
(((hugs))) it is amazing how the world keeos moving forward when you're stuck. Nothing more I can say except that I'm here for you.
ReplyDelete(*hugs*) It really, truly, sucks. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteRight there with you. *hugs* It's frustrating to watch other people get pregnant and end up with babies while you're still trying. I'm being lapped by two friends right now.
ReplyDeleteI also have immunology issues, and Humira + Intralipid infusions worked for my first IVF and resulting BFP. For the prematurely ended IVF 2, we just used Intralipid and it didn't seem to control things enough, so for IVF 3, we'll go back to Humira + Intralipid.
I hope the January cycle works!
Kelly...I don't know what to say because I am one of those "pregnant women" now..But, I still feel like I can't detach myself from all of our losses..and I don't want to sound like I'm make it all about me, but can I say, I've been there? Watching 2 friends have "Irish twins" killed me. People that are further ahead of me w/their pregnancies make me mad. I don't know that that stuck feeling ever goes away (I know, so helpful) at least it hasn't for me. I wish every good and wonderful thing for you, you deserve so much. I just, I don't know what to say. My heart aches for you, because I have felt that hurt, and that anger. I wish I could take it all away. I'm sorry if I've become one of those bloggers that posts too much about being PG, I hope you still sometimes stop by, but I completely understand if you can't. Sending tons of love your way.
ReplyDeleteBeing stuck, being passed, being lapped - it hurts, it sucks! I hate this struggle with a passion for all of us who are in it.
ReplyDeleteI know it is very hard to distract and not to think about it, but your plan for January makes me very hopeful for you, and I believe it will bring you that long-deserved success!
Oh, Kelly...sending hugs...I so get it. Let me know if you want to come up in October and see Energy Man - it's a very short flight and I would love to take you for that afternoon tea we didn't get to have in August...
ReplyDeleteXOXOXOXO
Love,
Maddy
Oh I definitely relate to feeling stuck and like the whole world is passing you by. I've also had trouble feeling as much fun and/or interest in that department.
ReplyDeleteKelly.....Girl you deserve a baby so much...I understand what you mean by being left behind and stuck.....for so long we live life around having a baby to finally get pregnant and then have a loss then once again we are going through the process of going through the loss and then right back at it....no one else gets how consumed our lives are by these two states and never will unless they too have been there themselves....it is def not an easy place to be but I promise it is worth it...unfortunately like me you to will have a somewhat complex pregnancy but in the end it wll all be worth it...the pain...the ups and downs...emotional and marital suffering when someday you will hold that child it will all be worth it.....As far as NK cells go I know you know that is one of my issues and they can def be controlled you just have to have the right person watching and treating them....Remember Intralipids did not work for me my cells were far to great....but hopefully for you it will....I had to do IVIG which is very costly....Also I was on prednisone to help lower my immune system....If you ever want any info on the subject let me know....also I would suggest reading is your body baby friendly by dr alan beer....and maybe even consult with my Dr. Dr. Kwak Kim she is from Chicago but will work with your ob/gyn or Reproductive Endo.....for out of towners she does require first visit to her office but after that she can manage your care from afar....I truely beleive in what she stands for and without her I would not be pregnant...Usually women like us have more than one issue in pregnancy and need extra monitoring and other issues arise and she is the only one I beleive that is capable of helping women like us:) I just feel like other Dr. try to do similar work but unless you just have a mild issue they just dont know how to treat such strong immune issues....Take Care
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. Left behind is a terrible place to be. And this crap just chips huge chunks away from intimacy. Hugs, Kelly. I'm feeling similarly stuck.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you. Being lapped by my bloggy friends, my IRL friends, my co-workers, everybody. Nothing else to say except that is sucks, and it sucks even harder when you can't actively do anything to change it.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today.
Hugs,
Jo
Being lapped does suck, as does being lapped a second time when people try for their second, third etc and you're still waiting for number one.
ReplyDeleteI also hear you on the "marital relationship" ahem aspect of your relationship. In fact that's something I'm going to be being very brave about and being very honest about on my blog very soon - I'm sure I'm/we're not the only ones so stuff it I'm putting it out there!
xxxx
Feeling left behind is one of the hardest things. It's so hard to watch your friends with their children and know that your children wont get to grow up with them. It's hard to find the strength to go to everyone elses childrens parties.
ReplyDeleteThe absolute avoidance of pregnancy is just another level of horrid. I hope you guys find a way to keep sex on the table as you should both be really proud that you've been able to carry on with a normal sex life up till now. I don't know of many rpl or IF couples who could say the same. I certainly couldn't. So if you can find a way to hang onto that special thing you've got then I hope you do. xx
huge (((hugs))) to you. i'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling this way. I've been feeling similarly with lots of people's babies 1 year birthdays and my best friend expecting #2 soon... it sucks to feel left behind. i'm just sorry yours is coupled with not wanting to conceive right now because of complications. ((((hugs))) again...
ReplyDeleteSending you many many ((HUGS)). I hate hearing all this suffering and wish so badly that as women we wouldn't have to deal with these things. Keeping you in my thoughts.....
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time visiting your blog, but I couldn't read and not send some (((hugs))). I'm not sure what else to say, except: that sounds really hard.
ReplyDelete*hugs* I am sorry your feeling left behind and scared about things. It will be your turn and it will be great.
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs, Kelly. I'm so sorry, this is so incredibly hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. It must be an awful feeling to not even be able to try - to have to prevent what you want to happen because it couldn't be sustained. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteIt is not pathetic at all! It is very normal. With everything you have been through it is amazing you are still sane.
ReplyDeleteNot long ago I was in the very same boat. Please do not give up. I know it is hard, but January will be here before you know it.
Ah, from my last post, I am sure you've guessed I know how you feel. I am so sorry that you have to go through this- that any of us have to- it feels so unfair. We keep losing and others keep gaining. It's hard to wait for a cycle, but I do hope there is good news for you around the bend!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say except I'm so sorry, Kelly. I hate that you feel like this. You've been through so much and don't deserve this. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are feeling stuck. I know how frustrating it can be. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteIt really sucks that the enjoyment of sex has been taken away from you for now. It's crazy how completely connected our ability to enjoy sex is with our psychological feelings about it. Is there any way you can feel 100% confident in your birth control methods and be able to let go of that fear?
ReplyDeleteAnd I really hate how stuck you feel. It's just so frustrating and unfair. But I do believe that you won't be stuck here forever. Things will change for the better.
Yep, I get it too. I feel left behind on a regular basis and it totally sucks.
ReplyDeleteI hope the intralipids do the trick for you. Take care.
It just sucks so much. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh this sucks. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteThat is a very hard place to be, Kelly. I can relate to feeling that infertility is robing you of your intimacy with your husband. It's so hard not to associate sex with baby making. How could we not? In the mean time, I hope that you and your husband can enjoy each other outside of the bedroom at least. Perhaps there could be mandatory breaks from Infertility suckiness (like Friday, 7-9pm is for anything BUT thinking and talking about infertility).
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so there with you. My problem isn't NK but I also have no trouble getting pregnant. ANd then no trouble miscarrying. And now zero sex drive. it really sucks to be know you'll get pregnant, know you'll lose it. Sometimes I think, at least if I had trouble *getting* pregnant, I may less interest in sex, but I wouldn't be scared to. I wouldn't associate it with blood and pain and depression and death. It'd be nice to lose that association.
ReplyDeleteIt's been 10 days since you last updated and I just wanted to leave you a comment to let you know that I think about you and hope all is going well with school and life. xoxo (((hugs)))
ReplyDelete