My rant/vent a few days ago made me feel so much better. What was the best though was reading all the comments and knowing how many of you "get it". I felt a little less like a freak. :)
The first week of school is over. I love my job and love teaching. We don't have air conditioning so it was ridiculously hot, but it's over now and although it's going to be warm next week, it will be nothing like this week, which is a good thing.
Today I met my friend and want to the spa in Her.shey. I mentioned where because of the chocolate part. Ahhh...it was fabulous. We had a great time.
I came to a realization which may sound obvious to you, but it wasn't to me.. As mad as I am at it, this body is the only one I have. I haven't been taking very good care of myself at all. I still look ok, but I've gained too much weight and hardly ever exercise and when I'm sad, I eat horrible food. My body never said, f*ck you, Kelly. We're killing your babies. Why have I been treating it like it did all this to me deliberately? I still have my life and I have to make the most of it. If I don't ever have a child, that's no reason to get stuck to the point where I wish I don't wake up in the morning just because it hurts. Ok, to be fair, "hurts" isn't even close to the right word, but still. I'm doing the best I can for my head but physically, well, it's just not enough.
I also talked to Mr SC on the way home today. I have a fabulous treadmill that I haven't been using. I really thought at first it was because there wasn't air conditioning in the room. Mr SC fixed that and put a window unit in for me. He wasn't trying to subtly say hey fattie, get a move on, he was trying to be sweet. Anyway, it's in our office which is a hellish mess. I can't bring myself to clean it out (the mess is my doing). It's supposed to be a nursery and that's why I should be cleaning it out. It felt good to tell him why I'm not in there.
This post isn't about me pledging to train for a triathlon or for me to pledge to clean out that room. It's just a small step for me. I hope it's the first of many steps but even if it isn't, that's ok.
First off, you are certainly not a freak because every one of us has those feelings!
ReplyDeleteSecondly - I came to the same realisation lately. After every miscarriage I tend to fall into a pattern of drinking and eating rubbish and just polluting my body...when I should be preparing it for the future baby I WILL carry. Thats what I'm telling myself at the moment anyway :)
Good for you! It's a start to even recognize the reasons, excuses, and rationales that our minds and hearts allow. After my three losses, I started taking better care of "ME"--both emotionally and physically. I think that for me, it was about the control. I couldn't control my hormones or what their imbalance was doing to my babies, but I could control what I was putting into my body and what I was doing with the body I had. In the process, I lost 40 pounds--but more importantly, I started to (finally) feel good--both emotionally and physically. I wasn't training for a triathlon either, but for the first time, I was making decision that were intentionally healthy. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are starting to feel better and feel more upbeat about things. Hubby and I may plan a trip to hershey in the near future. Is there anything you recommend doing?
ReplyDeleteOh I hear you on the polluting your body! I've decided that by this time next year I will be 110lbs lighter! I've said it before but I'm determined to do it this time!
ReplyDeletexxx
OMG! We live "near" each other! And yeah...pledges...sigh. sooo hard. Good luck, I am behind you all the way!
ReplyDeleteI've had this realization before myself. It wasn't obvious to me at the time or maybe it just didn't seem like such a big deal to me. Sometimes, I still lose sight of this truth, but it is a great thing to care for our bodies. I may not like mine very much some days, but you're so right- it's the only one I've got.
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy to get angry at one's body, to see it as the cause of all our troubles. But you're exactly right - that kind of thinking doesn't do any good (and certainly doesn't help our cause). And I think being good to it - treating it carefully, like a plane that's flown some rough missions and deserves some extra loving polishing - is the way to go. (SO hard sometimes, I know, and bad food beckons me, too, when I'm sad).
ReplyDeleteI winced when I read about the nursery/office. I wouldn't be able to clear it out either:(
We're here for you!!! (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteHuh. My lovely elliptical trainer that I never use is in my office. Which is also my closet. Which is a disaster. And will be the nursery when the time comes. It's amazing how much that room stresses me out. I never thought of it that way.
ReplyDeleteHuh.
No wonder it's hard to go into that room if it was meant to be a nursery. I don't think I would want to go there very much either.
ReplyDeleteI've also felt angry at my body, as if we (this whole entity that is my self) had separate parts at odds with each other. It helps me to start listing what my body *has* done for me. It helps me reconcile the parts of me, and see in a way that my body is doing the best it can, just like the rest of me.
And in terms of exercising, I can tell you what helps me. Maybe it will help you too, or maybe it won't, but it's worth mentioning. I try not to think too much about my weight or how my body looks in relation to exercising (although that's hard). What I focus on is how it makes me feel. I notice that no matter how awful a day I am having, I rarely leave the gym or come back from a walk feeling worse than I did before I exercised. Exercising invariably lifts my mood. So, I think it's become my #1 reason to exercise and on those days when I just don't want to do it, I think about my spirits feeling a tiny bit better and that's enough to get me going.
I hope you have a nice long weekend, Kelly.
I've been through the same thing with my body. I hated it for so long! But with baby steps, I've come to start liking it again. One thing I've definitely realized is that it takes work - HARD work. There's no easy way out. But since I have no control over my fertility, I actually like the hard work of getting fit because it means I actually have some CONTROL over something for once. And it feels great!
ReplyDelete:)
We are holding your hands, Sweetie. Taking small steps is perfectly ok, and will gently take your forward.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up for the weight gain plan. It took me forever to be able to find the 'right way' to do it, and then to make it work. I agree with the girls, try to think about the 'fun' parts of it! things what will help you feel better. For me, it was the type of activity, and the company. It was a nice distraction. Just ideas. Maybe a fun exercise class?
Just give yourself time to get on track with it.
(((HUGS))) and lot's of love
Small steps are great and we are all here for you as and when you take them.
ReplyDeleteI haven't exercised in ages. I find that when I'm in cycle, I can't because I don't want to over exert myself and when I'm not, I am too depressed and lazy to do anything. Good for you for making a change.
ReplyDeleteAs small as you might feel the above revelation is, I see it completely different. I see it as a very deep realization of your self worth as a wonderful person. Just putting your feelings out there like you have is a big step. You are amazing.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Sometimes its good just to let it all out...release all the negative energy:) But I am glad to c your perky self in this most recent blog...you are always so upbeat when you post on my blog:) Take care girlie
ReplyDeleteNice a spa day! :) I heard in a workshop the other day that for adults to learn something and become habit, we have to do it at least 30 times. So small steps are always good! :)
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