I've been kicking around this post in my head for quite some time. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is going to translate well in writing. I didn't come up with a stellar title either, yet I'm going to give it a try.
IF and RPL sucks (really, this is what this post is about??). It changes ourselves, it costs entirely too much money, it takes its toll physically and it can irreparably damage relationships.
There's one thing about it though that I think for many of us, makes it all the more difficult. The things that I've mentioned above are more than enough to have to balance. The message that society sends makes it even more unbearable and for many, this could the worst part.
"There's nothing like a grandmother's love."
"We didn't know what love was until we had a baby."
"We didn't know what it meant to be busy until we had a baby."
I hate these messages. They can be overtly stated or they can be subtle, but the messages are still there. To me, this makes it worse. It's like saying that a marriage isn't complete unless there are children. It's like saying a marriage without children is a second class marriage, not complete unless there's a baby. It's the major guilt trip placed on adult children that if they cannot provide a grandchild for their parents, that they are the ultimate failure in life.
Hell, even think about things you said when you're a child:
"Kelly and Jason. Sittin' in the tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes a baby in the baby carriage."
The message? It's not really finished...it's not really complete until you have a child.
I find myself yelling out loud sometimes at these messages (or fighting against them so loudly in my head I'm not sure how anyone doesn't hear me). It's not true, I protest. Couples choose not to have children and it doesn't make them any less of a couple. It doesn't detract for the love they have for one another or their relationship. It doesn't make them a 2nd class couple!
The same is true for couples who suffer from IF or RPL. Lack of a child doesn't make their love any less meaningful or their relationship any less important!
My problem, though? As much as I protest, I think that's my ultimate fear. That Mr SC and I will never be complete without a child. As much as I get upset about it, that's always there, in the back of my head.
I know exactly what you mean! I hate it! And with some of those oh so general statements, I can't argue with b/c I don't have a child! sigh.
ReplyDeleteAlso did you ever watch that movie Ghosts of Girlfriends past?
One of the bridesmaids in the movie makes a trashy comment that a guy isn't "really" married until he has children. Burn.
If someone had asked me years ago whether I would prefer to go through life without children or without my right arm, I'd have offered up my arm on a platter. And at the same time I am intensely bothered (as you are) by the constant bombardment that a couple without children is somehow less of a couple - and not at all a family- than those with kids.
ReplyDeleteEverything is geared towards couples with children and when you stand outside that order of things (whether by choice or circumstances) you are constantly patronized. I've heard the "You don't know what love is until..." kind of thing. To which I say: Phtffththth.
:) ditto!!! I used to always say "When we start our family"... my husband would get upset, and explain in his eyes, we are a family (he and I), and we are just adding to it. I know it's not the 'worlds' view of a family, but he has forever changed my view.
ReplyDeleteI like to compare it to older couples, the ones who meet and marry later in life, past the point of fertility. They are complete couples, without children, and no one thinks of them as second class. I know that that is mostly because they ARE older, and didn't have a chance at having children. But I think of me and my husband, and I think how great we are together, and I think that if we had met later in life, we'd still be just as great. Because we happened to meet early enough to try for children, we did, but it didn't work out, so we are just going to enjoy how awesome we are together.
ReplyDeleteOne of "those" conversations was going on the other day at a meeting. People were talking about how long they waited to have kids after getting married, or how long they were planning to wait, etc. I was feeling a little left out, so I piped up with "we are going to be together forever and never have a kid." Then there was the awkward pause, until I filled it with "and I'm starting to see the perks in that." And then everyone relaxed, and a couple parents said that we'd probably be happier.
Um yeah. I get this. So totally get this. You are absolutely right in that every message you see since you are a child correlates happiness and baby. It's like we are pre-programed at birth to think that if we don't procreate we won't be happy and "complete" - it's total and utter b-s. But then there is the flip side you pointed out. We can protest over and over again that we have the "right" to be happy without children but when it's something you want so badly you can't allow yourself to have that complete feeling when a huge piece is missing.
ReplyDeleteI hope you and J are able to find that missing piece.
Love xoxo.
It is so true...and for years, when I was younger and didn't actually want children, (hard to believe!!!!) I hated those messages. Just that much more when I was with women and it felt like multiple attacks. The media, the passed-down wisdoms, they just never go away, never stop telling us who we should be, do they?
ReplyDeleteI did not get married until I was 30. I was not sure I would ever meet Mr. Right.
ReplyDeleteSo I have always cringed when I hear people talk about "a story for the grandkids" when their kids are under 10. There are no guarantees that there will be grandkids. Their children may not get married or have kids.
I know exactly what you mean and I often feel incomplete without a child. I wish it wasn't so.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard for me to buck the "norm" even when it's not my choice and I don't want it to be so. I still feel it in lots of small ways just like you said. When I am feeling low I think I feel it in the continuity of things..aunts and uncles and grandparents and siblings...it will just be Hubs and I ....and then that's it. That's what makes it hardest for me.
ReplyDeleteI totally hate this crap. It hurts. And I don't agree with what they say: it is not the children, who makes a family family. It is the relationships in it. Also, I feel some people are just darn "lucky", so they can use their children as an excuse.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say, dealing with IF has taught me a lot, and I become proud of those things.
I totally hate those statements too- and totally get that fear.
ReplyDeleteI love my husband, and I know our relationship is a hell of a lot stronger than some of the couples who have kids... but I also feel that as much as I love him, as strong as our relationship is, I will always want more, I don't think I'll ever feel it's enough. Most people never have to think about that, I'm sure faced with this they would be just as confused... but they will never have to ask themselves.
Someone else had a past last week about what makes a "family"... had me thinking. My husband and I know we are a family, it's a shame that most other people fail to recognize this. It's weird how society views a "couple" versus a "family".
I totally get this and those statements. The grandparent statements kill me. I feel guilt over the fact that we cannot produce a grandchild. Eight+ years of marriage, the only children on both sides that are married, and we cannot even produce the grandchild that has been so wanted for years. I hate all those type of statements, but I think the same stuff. I don't truly consider my husband and I and our two dogs a family. To me my version of a family is a husband, wife, and the lovely two children. I am forever haunted by this version. I see it all the time and sometimes it literally breaks my heart in two.
ReplyDeleteI have those same feelings when I see those statements. I feel like our marriage is wonderful and just because we don't have kids doesn't make us "less."
ReplyDeleteAlong with the ones that say "parenthood matures you" or "we weren't adults until we had kids." It makes me feel like I'm not a functioning adult until I have a kid and that twenty-year-olds with kids should be more mature than I am.
I have the same fear... *sigh*
ReplyDeleteI understand your feelings, and when you don't choose to be in this place, you do wonder if you'll ever be ok with it just being the two of you. My marriage isn't any less because we don't have kids, it might actually be stronger, as we only have one another to focus on, but don't tell that to the overtly fertile!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I hate that so many people place a quantitative emphasis on what being a parent means.
ReplyDeleteIt makes it sound like the rest of us are all walking around with our thumbs up our a**'s. I am no less busy, just like my time is no less valuable just because I don't have diapers to change at home...
GAH!
*hugs* I really hate those sayings and messages. I really hate the ones people post on facebook.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. And to the above commenter - yes the FB messages and "groups" especially suck.
ReplyDeleteThe nicest thing that my MIL said to my partner was actually when she came out. Her mother was struggling with the idea that she would never have grandkids (both kids are gay). She said to my partner "We did not have you and your sister to have grandkids one day. We had you to love you and raise you."
Different context but I think many parents must feel the same way. Grandkids are wonderful, but so are you. And their family already grew when you married your husband.
I hope that you never have to worry about you and your husband being without children, that your next cycle is "the one" we are all praying for xxx
There are so many mixed messages out there on what and who will make us happy people. I think we know what and who without all of the mis-information we see. We know it because we live it everyday and desire it everyday - no one needs to quantify our desires by belittling or mocking us.
ReplyDeleteWe are whole - even if we want to add to our wholeness!
I hate the way society views couples without children. I've had people assume we don't decorate for holidays because we don't have children, as if my husband and I aren't worth the effort. There are a lot of times I'll say something like 'I love my little family,' referring to me, my husband, and our dog. I agree with the comment above - I feel we are whole, and while I would love to have a child, our inability to have a baby doesn't take away from our wholeness.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you. Society really makes us feel shitty because we don't or can't have kids. And it's not fair. I love it when the news talks about how society portrays "health" and "happiness" as skinny, beautiful people having fun and what a terrible message that sends to our young girls. What about the whole "family" message that is out there? Why doesn't anyone ever delve into that subject? It's just not right and you have every reason to yell at the TV or radio or whoever is saying that they didn't know what love was until they had a child.
ReplyDeleteYou know you're right, you're SO right. Those messages are everywhere. And the ironic thing is that I think those couples who are going through the hard times of IF or RPL have the strongest relationships. But your last paragraph kicked me too because when i read it I realised that I feel the same way. As much as I try to carry on with life and be appreciative, I really am in limbo and don't feel like we'll be complete till we get a baby in our arms. I think thats what makes it so hard, I want so badly to be happy with what I've got but theres such an empty space from all these years of trying that its so hard to not want it to be filled.
ReplyDeleteI think you summed it up well, thanks.
My husband says it's like the star football player who breaks all the records but never gets a superbowl ring. It doesn't matter what else we accomplish or do, we didn't do the big thing.
ReplyDeleteJust catching up. Great post. I wish that I didn't feel unfulfilled without a child, but that's how I feel. I feel like I haven't done what I'm supposed to do yet. God knows I've tried - hard - but for some reason, I haven't been successful yet.
ReplyDelete