I knew that the calm courtesy of my hot stone massage was short lived.
I've been feeling lots of things but haven't been willing to truly acknowledge them. It's just been too tough. I've blogged before about feeling like I was finished, as in, not wanting to move forward with having a child. Even with my diagnosis. Even with the new "hope" it offers.
My RE warned me I shouldn't wait too long because of my age. I'll be 36 at the end of this month. My numbers are still good, he just cautioned not to wait until that starts changing (which, inevitably will happen at some point). I had said back in the spring that I wanted to wait until at least the fall and I figured that would come mid-October.
I'm nowhere near that point.
I thought I'd be ready. I see all of the lovely signs of fall. Football and hoodies, pumpkins and mums. Then there are the other signs. My pregnancy at this time last year. My EDD from my first loss on 11/25. My SIL's baby's first bday party (she gave birth on the day of my 3rd loss/D&E).
The last couple of weeks when friends have asked how I am, I replied that I feel like a whirling dervish. School has been more challenging than ever and any small slowdown in my dervish whirling causes me to crash. Hard. I start sobbing uncontrollably. I end up not sleeping for nights (even when I take Ambi.en). I'm just not me. Last week, I was so out of it in my head (no medication here, it was just pure me), I forgot basic facts in class. Facts that I've known and been teaching for years. Thank god I'm good at covering.
Will I ever be me again? If I'm not feeling back to being me or even in control of my being, how in the hell am I supposed to jump on this bandwagon again?
Sometimes, I'm just flat out finished with work. The stress. The comments. The "harmless" questions. I wish I didn't have to go. I thought after taking my time off last spring and especially with the summer, I'd be better.
I'm fearful that this new "better" is the best I'm ever going to get. Nothing about trying again sounds appealing to me. Perhaps I really am stronger than I give myself credit for. After all, no one sees my tears except for Mr SC. The bad thing is that he doesn't even ask me what's wrong anymore. We were in the car today on the way home and I couldn't help but let a few tears escape from my eyes. He saw me and just grabbed my hand.
Truth is though? Nothing helps. I want to talk about it and feel better but I don't. I want the pill I take to help me feel better but be longer lasting and not wear off. I want to be able to have my period like a normal woman. The seven plus days it lasts now (fun, fun), with every drop of blood I see I flash back to that day last May when I walked through my front doors and had to rush to the bathroom when I lost my fourth baby.
Every day just feels like such a fight to make it through the day. Frankly, I'm tired of fighting but I don't have the courage to waive the white flag.
((hugs)) I have no magic words that will make this better. I wish I knew something that would help or if there was a time when it will feel better. I'm just sending you all my love and hugs.
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) I know from my own experience that only time, hopefully time, will help you to feel better.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I have no words that will make this better for you. Just know that you are not alone and we are here to support you in whatever way we can. ((Hugs))
ReplyDelete((hugs)) I'm sorry you're going through so much. I wish things were different, you deserve so much more.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry you're going through this. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and wishing for good things for you.
ReplyDeleteSorry you're here in this difficult place. Contemplating trying again is always going to bring those painful things from the past back up to the surface again. I don't know the answer, I wish I did. Part of me wants to say that once you start trying again you'll get your confidence back and get back into the swing of things, but seriously we are forever changed by these things and we can't pretend otherwise. We just have to find a way to move forward with tiny steps as best we can. If you aren't ready to proceed just yet and your heart needs a bit more time then I say give it what it needs.
ReplyDelete(hugs)
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you are in the midst of a depression. I don't recall if you tend to struggle with depression regardless of the circumstances, but with what you are going through, it definitely sounds situational. I think I recall you saying that you were going off of your antidepressant. Did you? I hate to jump to medication but I know that there have been times in my life (like after my miscarriage) that I absolutely had to go back on an antidepressant, or raise my dosage. After the months and months of depression two springs ago, I went on Zo.loft and I slowly started to feel better again. I had felt like I was unable to move on from the depression from my miscarriage. It even started manifesting itself in physical pain. At that point, I realized that my brain had been so altered by the event that I needed help.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to bring up meds, especially since you may already be on them, but this post really resonated with me. I've struggled all of my life with depression, and there are times when I just have to "give in" and get help. I think I recall it was Lex.a.pro you were on?
I think when you are able to get the depression under control, you will be able to take on ttc again. And you will be better able to take on your pregnancy. Because let's face it...you will get pregnant again. I stayed on my Zo.loft throughout the pregnancy. (It wasn't the reason for my horrific pregnancy, but I realize that one might not want to do anything that could cause them to have a pregnancy like mine!). I researched and researched and in my case, the benefits outweighed the risk. Also, you can breastfeed on it.
I wasn't able to get pregnant again until my depression was under control. It was the oddest thing...my body just wouldn't do it.
I do think that you need to listen to your heart and keep doing what you are doing. You will be ready again, and you just need to wait for that time when your heart tells you that it is okay to proceed. I can't imagine the devastation of RPL and what it does to your mind and your being. You sound like you are really in tune with yourself and know what you need.
Big hugs to you.
I've had plenty of those drives home with a few escaping tears, and just the hand holding. After what we've been through, sometimes our men just don't have the right words. And who can blame them? Sometimes a hand squeeze is just what I need. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteOh Kel, I've been where you are now. Teetering on the edge of wanting to give up but at the same time not wanting to give up, not wanting to walk away from that dream of having a child.
ReplyDeleteWaving that white flag is a hard thing to do, bloody hard and honestly if you're scared of doing it, that probably means that you're not ready TO do it. You may never be ready but at some point you might feel like it's the right thing to do - it did for me.
Like you, I was just tired of fighting, battling to get my dream only to keep getting knocked down and eventually I just had to say enough and walk away.
I still get those days like you did today, tears appearing out of nowhere - tonight it was while watching a new show where the main character is a midwife and she'd delivered a baby and it was breathing and they furiously working on him and then he started crying and the parents looked so happy and that started the tears flowing out of my eyes - I'll never hear my own child cry...
Like Mr SC, Guvnor doesn't ask anymore either and now I don't even bother telling him, it's easier than receiving no support from him.
I wish I had some miracle cure, a simple answer for you Kel but I don't but what I do have is a sympathetic ear and a willing to listen.
xxxx
*the baby wasn't breathing I mean duh
ReplyDeleteI wish I had the *right* words for you.. I just want you to know that I send my love to you and a few other select bloggers every night I close my eyes. What you have endured makes me question all that is supposed to be right in this world.
ReplyDeleteIf you were to give in nobody would blame you. I certainly wouldn't. But would you be okay with it? I like what Miss Ruby says above.
xoxoxoxoxo
PS - sorry about the loss last night. Tough break for your team :(
I have not words as I feel the exact same way. I am back at school (work) too and I just can't get a handle on anything. Work, home, waiting to be matched again...everything is a mess. My depression is terrible some days then my anxiety. The meds don't seem to work anymore. I am beyond distracted. I considered taking some time off work, but I don't have any that many days and besides I think that might be worse? All I would do is stay home and cry. Feel free to contact me if you want to talk. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are having such a hard time of it. I am sure that being back at school brings with it lots of memories that you rather not have. I know your RE does not want you to wait too long, but I cannot imagine that another few months would make much of a difference (I think). Perhaps you will feel differently after a few months. The long road of IF beats many of us and sucks away our energy and optimism. Here to support you along the way.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, infertility is such an impossible struggles sometimes. Wish I had some wonderful inspiring words...all I can say is I'm sorry and thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, Kelly. I completely understand. The only advice that I can offer is that you will know if and when it's time to wave the white flag. It won't be an easy decision, but you'll just know in the depths of your heart. The fact that you aren't sure about it now probably means you aren't quite ready.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you always and sending you love.
I am so sorry!!! I wish there was something I could say or do to make this easier for you. Please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best....
ReplyDelete*hugs*. There is nothing much anyone can say to make you feel better... just know, that through the screen, we are all holding your hand too.
ReplyDeleteOh, Kelly. I so wish this were the sort of pain that a pill or a hot stone massage could remedy. I'm so sorry that you are in this place right now. It seems as if we are all in our own purgatory/hell. I was thinking about it the other day and I am starting to wonder if it's the not knowing that's the worst - the putting ourselves out there time and time again and not knowing whether it will work or whether it will hurt. I am sitting here at my laptop with tears in my eyes wishing I could do something to help - please know I am thinking of you and sending lots of love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
WOw - THis is an incredible post, and really incredible comments. I wish I had a magic wand. I wish. Instead I am desperately clinging to the hope that a recent adjustment to my meds will kick in soon. Wishing you the best of support systems that will rally around you and help you in all the right ways. hang in there my friend,
ReplyDelete"Every day just feels like such a fight to make it through the day. Frankly, I'm tired of fighting but I don't have the courage to waive the white flag."
ReplyDeleteYou took the words right out of my mouth.
I've been having a hard time myself, and as long as I keep moving I'm fine... it's those lulls in between I've been crashing, rambling, moaning, sobbing, begging for reason. I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I realize that it doesn't help much, but if I could do more I would. I can't figure out how to deal with things myself anymore- so instead, I just focus on getting through each new day, and then the day after that... Hang in there, and many (*hugs*) your way.
I can hardly even imagine the hurt and the tragedy of your losses. It's just incredibly hard to walk through a path you had to walk through. I am trying to imagine how would I cope with that, and I am not sure if I ever could. I fell on my knees from less, already and could never stand up without some serious help kicking me back up. I greatly respect you for standing the way you are standing now. In a way, you are very strong! it is just way too much on you. I remember how much I hated to hear when people said time would heal my wounds, but that might really be the only thing helping. My wounds did not heal, time just gave me a chance to process things a bit better and more, and look at it with a different eye. It's an everyday battle.
ReplyDeleteI have much faith in you! in a way you will come of out of this and win it! I just know!
I wish, I wish I could cheer you up a bit.
Much, much love your ways.
I understand where you are, and it's a scary place to be. I don't have any easy words to make it better, and I don't have any truly sage advice, as I'm sure you have heard most of it. What I do know, is that when you are ready to move forward you will. Whatever the choice may be. You'll just make the decision one day. HUGS. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some great words of advice that would make your heart feel better. Infertility is a bitch.
ReplyDeleteWe will always be here to listen.
*hugs*
I lost my 4th baby in May too. I also have renewed "hope" because my septum was just discovered and removed last month. I'm SO thankful that we aren't even supposed to be trying right now. The doctor said to wait at least 2 months. It's not been quite one yet. I really need this break!! I am still at the point where I don't even know if I want to ever try again. I believe I will. But I was just telling my husband that I think I'd like to at least be able to enjoy the holidays first. You see, I associate pregnancy with terrible sickness, fear, nervousness, pain, surgery, bleeding & death. I'm not ready yet. But I do have this feeling deep down that I know that I will try again. "Ready or not, here I come!" I guess that's how it'll be. :) In the meantime, we are also moving forward with fostering to adopt in the state foster system. I have 3 beautiful adopted nieces & nephew whom I LOVE LOVE LOVE!! Two were adopted through the foster care system. I'm excited to see what the future holds. That has helped me a lot. Something else that has helped me tremendously is doing things that I enjoy....canning this summer, making jelly & jam with my mom and sister, reading books, and I'm getting ready to repaint and decorate my house. I'm also a Christian, which has brought me more strength & hope than anything else. I know I don't know you personally, but my heart still aches for you. Even though I'd say that I'm doing well considering all the loss & pain, I still hurt & cry & struggle sometimes. Just last night, a friend emailed that she is now expecting her 2nd baby. She is several years younger than me. It was hard. I promise to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteOh, sweetie. How painful it all is. I think that if you need to wait longer before trying, you should absolutely do that. I was doing a bunch of background checks for my job the other day, which meant I got to learn how old a lot of people are. Since I know how old their kids are, too, I was able to calculate how old they were when they had their first. And so, so many were over 35 and have 2-4 kids! I was actually quite surprised. But the biological clock is no hard and fast rule, or really anything to risk your psychological/emotional health over.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are in such a hard place, Kelly. My thoughts are with you. Sending you many hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh Girlie....I hate that you are going through this crap:( So very frustrating and hard but I think you should do what you want to do and if waiting is what you want then go for it....because I believe state of mind does play a role in success...Someday this to shall pass...its just sticking it out and fighting the fight until that time comes....I to felt alot like you along the way and after my fourth loss I thought how could I possibly keep doing this but I did and now I wouldnt change things for the world....for all that fighting I feel for once true inner peace:) Take care and Hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteI have times like that too. Frequently actually. (and the 7 day bleeds...yeah there with you on that too. If it makes you feel any better I've been bleeding without a break since the 3rd of August. Yep, seriously)
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong for fighting hard - that's all we can do really. I want to surrender SO OFTEN but we just have to keep going because the only other option is defeat. And we both are stronger than that :)
xxxx