The Weekend

I am so, so incredibly grateful that so many of you understood how I was feeling with my last post about my stepbrother's gf and the "oops" pregnancy. I got to talk to my mom a lot and I learned that my mom has known for a couple of weeks but my stepbrother, T, didn't want anyone to know until after her first u/s (freaking fantastic). So, my mom got the call from T that all was well (of course it is, because that's how it always seems to work for "oops" babies) and my mom immediately emailed me and said could we talk. I know that it was terrible timing on her part, but she wanted me to learn about it from her. I appreciated that. I can't imagine how betrayed I would have felt if she hadn't told me.

Anyway, no I am not planning on going to the wedding. For one, we were already planning on going away that weekend and it's also five days before the EDD from loss #1 (hell, I should have an almost one year old by now). No, thanks.

Mr SC and I went to Washin.gton, DC again this weekend. We got there on Sunday and enjoyed the gorgeous 75 degree weather, went shopping and checked out the Whi.te House (we both had never been there). And then we went to see the Col.ts kick some Redski.ns as*.


I proudly wore my Colt.s gear (although I was a bit nervous) and Mr SC was decked out in the burgundy and gold.

Mai, I took a bunch of other pics of Pey.ton Mannin.g if you want to see them. :)

And This Was Going to Be Such an Upbeat Post...

Yesterday was horrible. I don't know why this loss's anniversary is so devestating but it was. So, yesterday was horrible. I was so upset all day, I'm not sure how I went and taught kids all day. I did it though and came home and went to bed.

I had a some sort of epiphany last night though after laying in bed for a few hours. I started to make a list of all of the dates to be happy about on the calendar. Mr SC did it with me, too. It felt so good to lay with him and talk about all of our good times. I even thought I would make a list, to keep both at home and at school, to remind me of all the good things.

(Hopefully you're sensing an enormous BUT coming along)..

My mom yesterday asked when we could chat on the phone. I told her I wasn't up to it yesterday and I called her when I got home from school today. She starts to tell me how my stepbrother (former party animal who has now found "the love of his life" from Brazil) is not only moving in with his girlfriend, but they're getting married. November 20th. It's a small wedding, blah, blah, blah. I'm praying in my head I don't hear the words that I hear.

She's pregnant. She's due in mid-May, just when my EDD for this lost pregnancy will be (oh yeah, and when I miscarried #4).

I started sobbing hysterically and hung up on my mother.

I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired of all of the energy that I expend simply trying to exist. And I'm so tired of how much effort it takes to get up every time I get kicked down. I'm just tired of getting up.

Remembering

It's October 12, 2009. I'm laying in bed at night, my body physically exhausted, but I'm afraid to fall asleep. I'm afraid to fall asleep only to wake up, realizing that this isn't all just a horrific nightmare.

I'm still in such disbelief that this is actually happening, for a third time, all over again. After identifying the clotting disorder and taking Baby Aspir.in, DH and I really thought that this could be it.

If I'm being honest, I wish it would have all been over weeks ago instead of the way it happened today. If I ever carry to term, this day, this what-should-have-been milestone is gone. Why couldn't the spotting continue? Why did they have to put me on bedrest for that hematoma, only to tell me that it shrunk and that all was fine. Nope, that wasn't enough...the follow-up u/s is behind and my doctor presses us to discuss our options. In some sort of twisted denial, DH and I leave. Literally leave. We pack up and drive up north in our state. We're both so frozen and so paralyzed that we don't even know how to speak or how to act.

That night, in our hotel room, I almost collapsed in the shower. I remember the water falling down on me and I just wished it could wash me all away. I didn't want to have to deal with all of this all over again. DH comes and and just holds me as a cry. It was a horrible night.

The elation that we felt that next day when we found out the betas were still rising...damn us for falling for it. We're smarter than that! I still figured that something was just off with my body and then, then the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. Lying on the u/s table, I'm refusing to look at the screen. I don't want to see what could have been. I do though see your sweet, sweet face, strewn with tears. You shake my hand and make me look at that screen and see our baby's heartbeat. We finally, finally thought we had our miracle.

I never felt right about today. I was trying to listen to that stupid speaker at school today and all I could think about was our first OB appointment. I am nine weeks. We would finally get to see our baby again...the baby we thought we lost. Damn Dr. Goog.le and the images in my head of what the screen should look like.

Each second of today felt like a lifetime. I'm so sorry I called you so many times, I just needed you to talk me off the ledge and tell me that it would be fine. Why? Because in the pit of my stomach, I just felt like it wasn't going to be ok. Those last reassuring words this afternoon when you said how you'd pick me up in a few minutes and to stop...I'm not spotting or anything.

And then I went to the bathroom and saw the pink and I knew.

The poor nurse this afternoon who was trying to go through all the first OB visit stuff. It's all the stuff the anxious parents are waiting to hear. I still am so embarrassed by how rude I was, asking to skip all this and get to the u/s. After all, there may not be a reason to go through any of this talking if there's no baby.

And then I saw her face. I saw the expression try to stay in stone but showed concern. And then my doctor came in and I just knew.

I will never forget this pregnancy. I could see you and now it's just all over, again?

____________________________________________________________________
My sweet baby girl, not a day goes by that I don't think about what life would be like with you here. I imagine your eyes and hair and your smile. I imagine your tiny hand in mine and all of the things that should have been. I miss you every moment of every day.

A Sign?

I've been thinking a great deal about your comments on my last post about knowing when you've reached your limits. I carefully weighed very word (seriously) and thought I was better in my head about things.

And then it hit me.

First, with this NK cell diagnosis and my doc wanting me to do intralipid infusions. Well, I know several women who successfully carried to term after multiple losses after infusions. There are many, many doctors though who think this is a bunch of hogwash.

I knew that though, even though it's too "grey" for my liking.

I got up the courage to post on FB about October and remembering lost babies. I was proud of myself. One of my hs friends posts that she had two losses and I sent her a private message. In telling her a little about what had happened to us, I started to type "five", rather than four.

This is the second time I've done that. The second time I actually added a miscarriage. Who forgets how many losses they've had?? So, my newest fear is that it's a sign. That it's my body's way of knowing that hey, Kelly...this may not be the best idea.

This week is also tough because it's all about me remembering last year at this time, when I was still pregnant. Last year when I was approaching my 9 week 1st OB appointment, that after the roller coaster ride that was the beginning of my pregnancy I found out at that appointment that it was over. I had my D&E on October 14th. I'm really dreading that day.

Just my thoughts. I'm trying my best and I'm fairly ok. My emotions though have swung for complete despair to complete, full-throttle bitch. Poor Mr. SC. AF is on her way!

I Need Your Advice

So, I survived the big 3-6. Mr. SC is finally asleep after a grueling day of not eating at all and, um, let's just say prepping for his colonoscopy tomorrow morning at 8am. I got tons of work done today for school and outside, too. I'm feeling pretty good.

There's a few thoughts looming in my head though and I need help sorting them out. It's odd sitting down to blog when I'm feeling so, well, normal. Generally, when my fingers find the keyboard I'm super upset or enraged or lost.

I can't believe our most recent loss was only in May. It's been a little over four months. It feels like it was a lifetime ago. The anniversary of my third loss is coming up in a couple of weeks and then in late November, it's our 1st EDD. It's not a fun time of year.

Knowing all this though, I had told Mr SC that I wanted to give it until my cycle after a trip in October that we're taking. We're going to DC to see the Colt.s (my fav team) play the Redskin.s (Mr SC's team) and I didn't want to be worrying about TTC or anything for our trip.

Now that the trip is only a couple of weeks away, I feel no closer to being ready. I artifically looked at getting my first infusion over winter break from school. I wouldn't have to worry about school, taking off, how I'd be feeling, etc. It would just be a more relaxed time to do it.

Then the questions keep flooding in...what if I don't feel any more ready than I do now? Sure, it's around 2 1/2 months away and by my own words, it would be a semi-lifetime away. It would also be after all of the anniversaries that weigh heavily on us and the holidays so logically, it makes sense.

What if I don't feel any more ready, the closer the days get? Will I ever feel ready again? If I'm honest, I can't see myself going through all of that again...the meds, the injections, the infusions, the cost...all to take a massive chance. This next time we try, there's so much more invested in it if it doesn't work. We were fortunate to get pregnant naturally, so although in all those months that we were first unsuccessful, it was horrible when AF arrived, but I don't sense it would be the same type of horrible as a cycle with all of the interventions that we will be using every cycle.

And, even though I just said I can't see myself trying again, I don't know if I can truly see us making a decision to live childfree.

How did you know? For those of you who moved on and got past things, how did you do it?

I just don't know.

Kiss Off, Thirty Five

Yep, that's right. When this posts, I'll officially be 36 years old.

Thirty five was fan-fucking-tastic.

Forgive me that I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. It's just another reminder of the failure that my last year of life has been.

Mr SC has been having significant stomach problems. The specialist today said he doesn't think it's anything serious or anything that requires surgery, but he's not sure what it is. Mr SC has a colonoscopy scheduled for Monday morning. After his, um, thorough exam today, I came back in the room (before the doctor came back in). I asked him how he was. His response? "I feel so violated."

You know, I should have been sympathetic at this point. I wasn't. I faked it though. I rubbed his back and gave him a kiss and told him I understood.

I wanted to scream! I wanted to scream that I've had more wands shoved up my vagina that I would ever care to even try to count, all while my legs are suspended midair. I've twice been put under so I could have the remnants of what should have been our baby scraped from the inside of me. I then twice had more instruments shoved up there to remove the scarring from said scraping.

And you feel violated?

Reaching Out

Reaching out to others or forging ahead with new relationships can be an infertile's worst nightmare. You fear that subject of conversations and think about how to handle questions. Last spring, I handled one badly.

There is newer secretary in one of the offices at school. Her desk is by itself and right by the photocopy machine that many teachers use. I reacted to a seemingly innocent question that she asked me and it's weighed on me heavily since. We never have gotten beyond artificial chatting since, but today I tried to rectify that. This is a copy of an email that I sent her:

Dear colleague that I was shitty to:

You may or may not remember what I’m going to talk about, but I have and I wanted to talk to you about it. Forgive me that it’s in an email, but it’s just easier for me.

Last year, I was at the copy machine. You were trying to chat with me and asked me if I had kids. My response was, “why?" and you replied that you were just trying to get to know me. I know this came across horribly. I apologize for that. I have felt badly ever since didn't know how to talk about it or fix it.

I wanted to explain my reaction and as bad as it may have made you feel, there was a reason for my response. I was pregnant at the time (when you asked me) but I had just found out I was miscarrying for a second time. After time passed, it got harder and harder for me to explain my reaction to you since I've now had a total of four miscarriages since March ’09.

I know this email is of an extreme personal nature and it’s something people usually don’t talk about, but I’ve felt so badly about how I was to you that I didn’t know how else to apologize other than explaining, fully, my reaction.

I hope that you understand.

Writing this alone felt liberating. After she read it, she replied just how sorry she was and I ended up calling her. We talked a bit and things are better. She said twice that she hopes that we can be friends. I hope so, too.