About a week ago, I had asked for some advice/your thoughts about taking a leave of absence from work. I really appreciated each and every one of your comments. You gave me a great deal to think about.
I decided against it.
Why? Well, mainly because I don't want to let IF/RPL control my life. Also, I'm not sure how staying home would help me. It would just keep me from dealing with situations that I'd have to deal with in a few months anyway.
What have I decided to do?
A few things. First, I have an appointment with a new doctor this Thursday. I'm going to talk to her about not sleeping, anxiety, my Lexap.ro dose, etc.
Mainly though, I've decided that each week, I'm going to do something for me. Just me. Maybe Mr SC will be involved, maybe not. That's not the point. The point is, I'm going to do things for myself. I'm going to keep the list on my blog of things I'll be doing. This week's is going to the doctor, which I've been putting off for a very, very long time for fear of being perceived as a prescription meds junkie.
Next week I'm finally looking into a new yoga place.
Small steps, I know. They're very big steps for me.
Oh yeah. I'm 7DPO. What I'm feeling either means that AF is on her way OR that I got lucky again this cycle. LOL. That's always how it goes.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
What Do I Need?
My therapist sure did earn her money on Monday! I had an appointment already scheduled, which was fitting (that was the day I wrote my "Why" post).
I completely and absolutely lost it. I let everything out like I never did before. The good, the bad and the ugly. In between sobs, I was able to communicate just what was going on with me.
Her suggestion? That I take a leave of absence from school for the rest of the year.
Why? One of the hardest things for me is having those three girls in class who have babies. I'm also having a really tough time being around my non-friend, who talks about being pregnant incessantly (imagine her yelling about her "glow" down the hall before school starts) All I keep wondering is...is that how I would look?
I'm not sure what I want to do. We don't have disability at school although I could easily take the leave. However, because Mr SC was laid off for a year and went back to work making $4 less an hour, it would pretty much mean that we would only have enough money to pay our bills through the end of August (when I'd go back to school). I just keep thinking...what if I need fertility treatments and I need the money? Do I want the stress of having less money? I just don't have the answers.
But, for right now, I'm ok. I just don't know if this is the solution. I also feel like a failure and like doing this would make me seem like I've lost my mind.
I completely and absolutely lost it. I let everything out like I never did before. The good, the bad and the ugly. In between sobs, I was able to communicate just what was going on with me.
Her suggestion? That I take a leave of absence from school for the rest of the year.
Why? One of the hardest things for me is having those three girls in class who have babies. I'm also having a really tough time being around my non-friend, who talks about being pregnant incessantly (imagine her yelling about her "glow" down the hall before school starts) All I keep wondering is...is that how I would look?
I'm not sure what I want to do. We don't have disability at school although I could easily take the leave. However, because Mr SC was laid off for a year and went back to work making $4 less an hour, it would pretty much mean that we would only have enough money to pay our bills through the end of August (when I'd go back to school). I just keep thinking...what if I need fertility treatments and I need the money? Do I want the stress of having less money? I just don't have the answers.
But, for right now, I'm ok. I just don't know if this is the solution. I also feel like a failure and like doing this would make me seem like I've lost my mind.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
A Million Thank Yous...
I don't know what I would do without all of you. You just get it, you really do. I was at a pretty low point when I wrote my last post. Your words of encouragement and support meant so much to me and helped me so much. I know none of us have the magic baby dust for each other, but knowing that I'm not alone makes me feel like I'm winning half the battle.
I Oed yesterday so I'm officially in the 2WW. We shall see.
Giant hugs to all of you!
I Oed yesterday so I'm officially in the 2WW. We shall see.
Giant hugs to all of you!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Why?
Why can everyone else seem to get pregnant except me?
Why can everyone else seem to stay pregnant but me?
Why do people who never wanted children get pregnant...oops! You never wanted kids. Why in the HELL wouldn't you use protection?
Why can people procreate who can't even take care of themselves?
Why can people have "oops" pregnancies all the time but those of us who so desperately want to get pregnant, can't?
Why can't I keep it together? Shouldn't this be getting easier and not harder?
Why do I torture myself with trying to understand things, when clearly there is no explanation.
Why do I even bother getting out of bed in the morning? What the fuck is the point? To just endure the agony, over and over again?
Why can everyone else seem to stay pregnant but me?
Why do people who never wanted children get pregnant...oops! You never wanted kids. Why in the HELL wouldn't you use protection?
Why can people procreate who can't even take care of themselves?
Why can people have "oops" pregnancies all the time but those of us who so desperately want to get pregnant, can't?
Why can't I keep it together? Shouldn't this be getting easier and not harder?
Why do I torture myself with trying to understand things, when clearly there is no explanation.
Why do I even bother getting out of bed in the morning? What the fuck is the point? To just endure the agony, over and over again?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Why Do Women Lose Themselves?
This has always been something that has baffled me, well before any of this IF stuff of the past almost two years.
Why is it that when a woman gets married, she becomes husband's wife. Then, when she has children, she becomes child's mommy. What happens to the woman that was there all these years before? Why do some women almost cease to exist as they get older?
Last night I was at a dinner. I'll spare you the details of the who/what/why. It was with a group though of wives/husbands that I don't know very well. I was dreading the evening (you know, for fear of all those questions). Immediately, the host says, "why don't the men sit at this end and the women can sit at that end?" Um, I went somewhere with my husband. Why are we segregated? But, whatever. I ended up sitting next to Mr SC anyway.
And so it began.
All of the mommy talk. And all of the tricks of the trade how to remove stains from clothing talk. And then I got to hear about how two of the four other women had "oops" babies and I got to all those stories. Freaking wonderful. I grabbed Mr SC's leg so hard once, he jumped.
That's all these women talked about. Their children and their laundry strategies. Is that all you are?
The men? They were talking about sports, beer, grilling, hunting and after a few drinks, a bit about sex. I was much, much more comfortable with that conversation that the other one (well, besides the hunting). This is one reason why I hate to get together with other couples or even other women for that matter. Don't they have hobbies? Or lives?
Even if I am fortunate enough to be a mother one day, Kelly won't cease to exist. I do realize I will have less time to myself, but hey, I will still have hobbies and interests all of my own. Thank god that most of my female friends (that I have selected, not wives-of) either don't have children or still have a brain.
Thankfully the rest of the weekend was nice.
Why is it that when a woman gets married, she becomes husband's wife. Then, when she has children, she becomes child's mommy. What happens to the woman that was there all these years before? Why do some women almost cease to exist as they get older?
Last night I was at a dinner. I'll spare you the details of the who/what/why. It was with a group though of wives/husbands that I don't know very well. I was dreading the evening (you know, for fear of all those questions). Immediately, the host says, "why don't the men sit at this end and the women can sit at that end?" Um, I went somewhere with my husband. Why are we segregated? But, whatever. I ended up sitting next to Mr SC anyway.
And so it began.
All of the mommy talk. And all of the tricks of the trade how to remove stains from clothing talk. And then I got to hear about how two of the four other women had "oops" babies and I got to all those stories. Freaking wonderful. I grabbed Mr SC's leg so hard once, he jumped.
That's all these women talked about. Their children and their laundry strategies. Is that all you are?
The men? They were talking about sports, beer, grilling, hunting and after a few drinks, a bit about sex. I was much, much more comfortable with that conversation that the other one (well, besides the hunting). This is one reason why I hate to get together with other couples or even other women for that matter. Don't they have hobbies? Or lives?
Even if I am fortunate enough to be a mother one day, Kelly won't cease to exist. I do realize I will have less time to myself, but hey, I will still have hobbies and interests all of my own. Thank god that most of my female friends (that I have selected, not wives-of) either don't have children or still have a brain.
Thankfully the rest of the weekend was nice.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Something Really Nice Someone Did Today
I can't believe I get to post about this...it's not me whining about AF and it's not me talking about my anxiety about all things TTC. It's about someone who "got it" today. Someone who hasn't gone through IF and was thoughtful and caring and it really touched me.
One thing that has become increasingly difficult for me has been going out in public in non-controlled situations (ex: not knowing who will be there, if they "know", etc)or fear that I will break down, as has happened on more than one occasion. So yesterday I had signed up to be on a committee at school. I was somewhat reluctant (for the reasons I listed above) but went.
The conversation started because my friend, M, said, "oh X and X would be here but they're due any moment so they can't." Ok, fine. Well, this turned into a whole conversation about how the males there had vasectomies, how so many women are pregnant in the district (I think the phrase "everybody is pregnant") was used, blah blah blah. It ended up in everyone at the table saying, "oh, not me" or whatever. I just sat there, wanting the ground to swallow me once again. I was proud of myself though. As much as it hurt, I didn't break down. I just sat there, quiet. I left early, but I was so glad I didn't cry. I tried to think about my friend, M. She's single and in her mid 40's and I wondered, as everyone else yammered on about "shooting blanks" or whatever, if she wanted to be a mother but "missed" her chance and how this was making her feel.
This morning, M found me. Why? She wanted to apologize to me for bringing up the pregnant women and the whole conversation that followed. She felt so badly and she could only imagine how I must have felt and she was so, so sorry. This was the same friend who was there when the student before asked me if she could go get her breast pump, causing me to break down.
Even after I reassured her it was ok, she still kept saying how badly she felt. I then explained a little about how going out was tough for me sometimes but I wanted to be on the committee, etc. etc. I just can't believe she thought about me and actually apologized. She didn't pretend that it didn't happen and tried to offer me some comfort, even though she had nothing to be sorry for.
So maybe, just maybe, the next time some idiot makes some stupid comment, I'll remember M and how kind she was to me today.
One thing that has become increasingly difficult for me has been going out in public in non-controlled situations (ex: not knowing who will be there, if they "know", etc)or fear that I will break down, as has happened on more than one occasion. So yesterday I had signed up to be on a committee at school. I was somewhat reluctant (for the reasons I listed above) but went.
The conversation started because my friend, M, said, "oh X and X would be here but they're due any moment so they can't." Ok, fine. Well, this turned into a whole conversation about how the males there had vasectomies, how so many women are pregnant in the district (I think the phrase "everybody is pregnant") was used, blah blah blah. It ended up in everyone at the table saying, "oh, not me" or whatever. I just sat there, wanting the ground to swallow me once again. I was proud of myself though. As much as it hurt, I didn't break down. I just sat there, quiet. I left early, but I was so glad I didn't cry. I tried to think about my friend, M. She's single and in her mid 40's and I wondered, as everyone else yammered on about "shooting blanks" or whatever, if she wanted to be a mother but "missed" her chance and how this was making her feel.
This morning, M found me. Why? She wanted to apologize to me for bringing up the pregnant women and the whole conversation that followed. She felt so badly and she could only imagine how I must have felt and she was so, so sorry. This was the same friend who was there when the student before asked me if she could go get her breast pump, causing me to break down.
Even after I reassured her it was ok, she still kept saying how badly she felt. I then explained a little about how going out was tough for me sometimes but I wanted to be on the committee, etc. etc. I just can't believe she thought about me and actually apologized. She didn't pretend that it didn't happen and tried to offer me some comfort, even though she had nothing to be sorry for.
So maybe, just maybe, the next time some idiot makes some stupid comment, I'll remember M and how kind she was to me today.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Blah
I'm here. Not being the best blogger lately with commenting (or posting).
So I guess I'm supposed to be excited to be back in the swing of things. I'm not. I can't even think about it. When I do, I get overwhelmed with a gazillion thoughts/fears, so of which are perefectly rational and some, well, not so much. Like:
-I don't really want to "try" this cycle. I don't want to get pregnant again and deal with all of this like I did last year at this time and miscarry, yet again, during the school year.
-I know we really can't "wait" any longer, so I know the first thought isn't realistic. I turn 35.5 this month.
-What if, after all this, now we can't get pregnant, let alone carry a baby to term?
I believe I'm on CD9 and I O anywhere from CD15-20.
Since I've been blogging, I've been on a "break", so my bloggy friends don't really know anything about me or my cycles. The thing I realized that freaks me out the most?
I haven't had a 2WW and a BFN (when we were trying) since last January (as in 2009). Three cycles results in BFPs (and losses) and five cycles we were on a break. I'm not looking forward to the fears of the 2WW. I really want to kick my ass in gear and get to my regular doctor, for my lack of sleeping and for anxiety. I don't want to rely on pills though to keep me sane. It was tough enough for me to admit (and take) anti-depressants.
There's the nagging idea too about this summer. I have a great travel opportunity for school to attend a week long summer institute. I can't decide where to go. Why? The "what if". What if I'm pregnant. What if something happens. What if I get five hours away, by myself, and I'm pregnant and my TP inspection reveals spotting and Mr SC isn't there.
I just hate this roller coaster ride and I'm not even on the damn ride yet. I just keep getting in line. UGH.
So I guess I'm supposed to be excited to be back in the swing of things. I'm not. I can't even think about it. When I do, I get overwhelmed with a gazillion thoughts/fears, so of which are perefectly rational and some, well, not so much. Like:
-I don't really want to "try" this cycle. I don't want to get pregnant again and deal with all of this like I did last year at this time and miscarry, yet again, during the school year.
-I know we really can't "wait" any longer, so I know the first thought isn't realistic. I turn 35.5 this month.
-What if, after all this, now we can't get pregnant, let alone carry a baby to term?
I believe I'm on CD9 and I O anywhere from CD15-20.
Since I've been blogging, I've been on a "break", so my bloggy friends don't really know anything about me or my cycles. The thing I realized that freaks me out the most?
I haven't had a 2WW and a BFN (when we were trying) since last January (as in 2009). Three cycles results in BFPs (and losses) and five cycles we were on a break. I'm not looking forward to the fears of the 2WW. I really want to kick my ass in gear and get to my regular doctor, for my lack of sleeping and for anxiety. I don't want to rely on pills though to keep me sane. It was tough enough for me to admit (and take) anti-depressants.
There's the nagging idea too about this summer. I have a great travel opportunity for school to attend a week long summer institute. I can't decide where to go. Why? The "what if". What if I'm pregnant. What if something happens. What if I get five hours away, by myself, and I'm pregnant and my TP inspection reveals spotting and Mr SC isn't there.
I just hate this roller coaster ride and I'm not even on the damn ride yet. I just keep getting in line. UGH.
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