When we were in the hospital before bringing Baby A home, Mr SC took my hand and said something to me. I've been wanting to post about it but didn't want it to come across the wrong way.
Before I get to that, I have to say that I will never, ever forget how we got to have Baby A or what we had to endure to get there. Mr SC though said something that I've really tried hard to remember.
When people had asked me, "is this your first?", I always hesitated. To me, this was my 5th. Even though the other four pregnancies didn't make it, there were, at four other points in time, lives growing inside me. Not only is the calendar full of reminders, but so are all the places we go. Today, when we were out with the baby, we passed the drug store where I bought the HPT for loss #4.
Today though, I just shook my head and then looked at my baby girl.
In the hospital, Mr SC said that although he knows that I will never forget, that I need to remember that we have a little girl now and that hopefully, holding her close to our hearts will make the pain of the past a little less raw. I was so scared so much of my pregnancy and I was so rattled by reminders for the last several years that I still felt tears well up in my eyes all too often. I think I felt like loving our baby meant that I wasn't remembering what happened and I've finally come to realize that just isn't true.
I had toyed with the idea of planting a memory garden last summer to honor our losses. Instead, Mr SC bought four tree seedlings. The trees are Aspens, which we saw in Colorado on our honeymoon. If you aren't familiar with Aspens, the leaves are roundish and when the wind blows, the leaves flutter. Those trees are my way of honoring our lost babies and, as they grow, can be something that our daughter can find beauty in, too.
It took me several attempts to write this post and I've been struggling with it so much. I had two horrible, horrible dreams (which happens when I'm stressed about something) that left me thinking about things quite a bit.
Perhaps it's because even though this chapter in our lives is over, the words and their meaning will forever be etched in my brain.
I think that planting four Aspens is a wonderful idea! And your husband is correct- while you will never forget, you do have to focus on your new little girl! :-)
ReplyDeleteNothing can erase the past, your husband is right in that regard. You just have a much happier, brighter future to focus on now. I think the trees are a wonderful idea. I'm so hoping that you can find peace in your heart. It's amazing that you are so strong after everything you have been through. Kiss and snuggle that little girl to pieces. You deserve every bit of happiness (and more) that she is going to bring you.
ReplyDeleteI think the Aspens were a wonderful idea. I planted something for each of mine, and seeing them in the yard is sometimes comforting, sometimes bittersweet, but I'm always glad I did it. (*hugs*)
ReplyDeleteMay they bring you some peace.
stopping by from ICLW
ReplyDeletecongratulations on you baby girl - and what a beautiful idea with aspens
best of luck to you!
My husband wants to start trying for another right away (I don't, so we won't). I'm so afraid that I would feel like I was replacing my lost child. It's reassuring to know that you can always still remember your angel babies, and still unconditionally love your baby that you get to take home. Thanks for your thoughtful comments on my blog. I can't even imagine 4 losses and how you have made it through. But you did, and I'm sure I will too.
ReplyDeleteLoss is funny that way. But I am glad you have discovered you can remember the past without staying in it. Having experienced death many times at an early age, it's something I've had to learn and re-learn. Looking at my mom is a good example. My father died when they were both in their 50's and had been married 25+ years. Eventually my mom started to date again and is now in a long term relationship. Does this mean my mom doesn't miss my dad or love him? Of course not. And the losses of your babies are no different. But somehow when it comes to marriage it seems easier to see and accept, even though it is the same thing.
ReplyDeleteI love the aspens idea, what a beautiful way to remind yourself that those lives were with us and are never completely gone.
I think that this is such a great post, and I love the idea of having the aspen trees as a memorial to your losses. That is such a beautiful idea. One thing I love about aspens is that their roots tend to network out and grow into more trees. Perhaps that can provide you with even more symbolism of the joy (your sweet daughter) that can come from pain.
ReplyDeleteSuch a sweet, and tender post. I love that you are moving forward, allowing your love for your baby girl to overwhelm your emotions. And the aspen idea is great. I love those trees, they remind me of where I grew up in Colorado. But be aware - sometimes they multiply... :)
ReplyDeleteYou will never forget how you got here, but your little girl is a sweet reminder of how wonderful things can be. I think it is a wonderful way to be.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy for you guys! :) I swear, every time I read something from you that says "we were out with the baby" or anything like that I just smile from ear to ear!!!
I think thats a beautiful idea with the trees. I dont think you will ever forget.. I dont think I will either even though my pain is still raw i am starting to look on the positive side and hopefully soon try again! x
ReplyDeleteas horrible as this may sound - without your losses, you wouldn't have your beautiful daughter. you may have a different child instead but you wouldn't have your beautiful daughter. your losses brought you to the point in your life where you conceived her. your losses will forever be entwined with her - some may say that sounds morbid but i think it's beautiful.
ReplyDeletewhat better way to remember your angel babies than to see your earth baby growing up - every time you look at her you are looking at traits that your angel babies would have had - every time she smiles or laughs, it too could be them laughing.
no matter how hard the past, it's an important part of who we are today.
~x~
It's true, you won't (can't) ever forget your losses, but I know that I never would appreciate my current pregnancy without those losses. I wouldn't have understood just how fragile this process is and just how lucky I am to have this beautiful gift growing inside me now. I'm sure you've felt the same way often.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
ICLW#104
What beautiful post. I'm so glad you found a way to honor the babies you lost. They are all a part of you.
ReplyDeleteThey will always be a part of you, and your story. But I do hope that holding on to her will slowly mend the pain. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThis post brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine what you've gone through. I went through one miscarriage and it has changed me completely. There are still places and images that take me back to those moments in my life so completely. It's something that I can't forget and the baby that I was pregnant with will always be part of me. And I hope this doesn't sound like I'm making light of that, but now that I have Bean and she's been in my life for some time, I think a little differently about it. I still love that baby, whoever he or she was or would have been. But I cannot imagine my life without Bean and somehow I know that she was meant to be here with us. This is the life I was meant to have. And while it doesn't make the past any easier, it does make it look quite different to me. I'm so glad that you've found a way to remember the past and celebrate the present at the same time. Enjoy your little girl. She is beautiful!
ReplyDeleteICLW #20
It is sometimes hard to find the words, loss is very real and though you love your little girl it never goes away, I think that's normal.
ReplyDeleteICLW #69
What a beautiful idea with the trees. I hope they all grow fast, tall, and strong. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteAfter just going through my 5th loss, your story gives me such hope. I have been looking for a more permanent way to honor my losses as right now we have porcelain angels in my china cabinet with the date of each loss on the angels. I love the tree idea. It is a great way to make sure that your angel babies are never forgotten.
ReplyDeleteAlso, thanks for your kind words on my blog. I look forward to following your blog as well.
You can never, and will never forget your 4 little lost loves. Enjoy your beautiful daughter, as she is a precious gift and a beautiful reminder of all your children. I have often wanted to plant trees to memorialise my lost ones, but alas, we move too often for that!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your beautiful daughter. And you're right - you never will forget your 4 angel babies. I think planting the Aspens is a great idea.
ReplyDeleteThose of us who have been there know that there is no way you will ever forget. Enjoy A. now, and Mr. SC, and relish in the happiness that you so richly deserve.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your beautiful daughter ia so sorry for the loss of your three babies. Having lost two embies and our son's twin, I can tell you that just because we have a take home baby, it doesn't make me forget the pain of our lost babies. But, amazingly, there is so much joy at the same time. It is tougher on some days than others....but overall, I started to learn to breathe again.
ReplyDeleteHappy iclw! #101
Kelly, hugs. Became very emotional reading this post. I think the idea of a memory garden/the seedlings is beautiful. And I think you're right - the past stays with us. It just does. But the present is very bright.
ReplyDeletehey kelly!
ReplyDeletethats my bad; you have to sign up for the email! sorry!
Planting the four trees is a wonderful way to remember and honour. I hope when you look at the trees, your heart fills with love, and that the painful memories fade away as you remember the past and look forward to your future with baby A
ReplyDelete