Generally speaking, I don't enjoy getting together with a group of women. There's a coaches' dinner coming up (my husband coaches wrestling), where the wives and husbands get together for dinner. It was just awful last year. The men were talking about all kinds of cool things...sports, beer, etc.
The women? They were talking about how best to clean their homes, how to get stains our of clothing and their kids.
I've never been in a relationship like the one my husband and I have before. I now live in his hometown (I relocated here before I even knew him for a teaching job) and am about an hour and a half from home. I truly hope that, although my husband and I love to do pretty much everything together that I haven't lost my identity as "Kelly" and have let the label of "Mr SC's wife" take over.
Most of the women in my life have lost themselves...to the identity of wife and mother. It's almost as if they no longer exist as individuals.
I would like to think that I'm still Kelly first and Mr SC's wife and the role of teacher both take turns being second. That's not to say that I put my marriage after my job but I truly feel as though being a teacher is an all-consuming profession.
I wonder how men would identify themselves. Or, do they even think about things like this at all? :)
What are your labels?
Dang! Blogger wouldn't post my comment! Let's try again, shall we?
ReplyDeleteSometimes I get seriously bored with my friends and their conversations. Either they talk about their kids A LOT or they constantly bitch about their husbands. I often deflect and go hang out with my husband and the guys.
When I got pregnant I had a serious identity crisis. I didn't want to lose myself in mommyhood and become known only as "Ruby's mom" there is so much more to me than that! Things I've worked hard on! Thankfully I think I've done a good job balancing the two and was recently complimented on it by a friend on Facebook. I am of course proud as heck to be Ruby's mom but I want to be me too!
Congratulations on your little girl. I am so exited for you! Having a little girl is seriously cool. If you want a little tutu outfit like Ruby has you can get them at Target for only $9! There are several designs but be aware that they run small. Ruby is in 3 mo. clothes and I had to buy her a 9 mo. Thanks for stopping by my blog, I look forward to following you on your journey :)
Laurie
I worry about this as well. I have always gravitated towards my husband and his buddies b/c they don't spend their time bitching about things or talking non-stop about kids. I am beyond excited to finally be pregnant, but I really dont' want to lose myself. What a conundrum.
ReplyDeleteSo few of my friends have kids, it's hard to know how things will change when I do. Most of the ones who do have kids still work full-time at demanding jobs (corporate, doctor). My one friend who was a SAHM for over a year just went back to work. If all works out with this pregnancy, I'll be working on my dissertation during baby's first few years.
ReplyDeleteI do notice, though, that now that I'm pregnant it's the only thing certain family members want to talk to me about. But I don't bring it up all that much. I'd like to talk about other things, I promise! (Though I did pick my BFF's brain when I saw her the other day, asking her lots of questions about the experience).
Very interesting thoughts. I honestly fall on the other side of the fence. I always identified my dream "career" as a wife and SAHM. So I don't know if identifying primarily as a wife really means I'm loosing myself or that I'm finally finding the person I always knew I would be.
ReplyDeleteI love being a wife, it's one of the thing's I'm proudest of in my life. And if/when I do have kids, they will probably be my main focus. But I've always loved talking about kids. Before I started dealing with RPL, I used to hang out with moms and talk to them about their kids. I'm weird like that. :-)
Oh, dude, that sounds like a big snooze fest. For many years when we first got married, I didn't have much of an identity. Then, I joined a community theater group. I found me. I discovered who I am beyond "his wife." And now there's no going back. LOL
ReplyDeleteNow, if I'm bored with one conversation, I find something else. I'd go hang out with the guys (I do this at the in-laws A LOT b/c they're very old-school.... women cook and clean and play boring games. Men tell jokes and play more interesting games.)
I definitely prefer hanging with the guys more than most women. The guys talk about work and politics and current events - so much more interesting than cleaning and decorating and such. But I've noticed that since trying to get pregnant, and especially now that I am pregnant, I don't care much about my career anymore. The only thing that my job brings me is a good distraction, and a good paycheck. Very weird for someone like me! I've been thinking a lot about this, but I'm sure it will all work out somehow! I don't think you'll have a hard time maintaining your Kelly-ness. You're one seriously strong woman!
ReplyDeleteI tend to hang out with morer women than men, but the women I hang out with end to identify themselves not as wives first. Which is good because it certainly isn't how I identify myself. I absolutely love my husband and love being his wife. But, my identity "order" is similar to yours, I think.
ReplyDeleteI've seen it happen to several of my friends and it annoys the hell out of me! I believe I can be more for others in my life if I'm still myself first. Not in a selfish way but you can't truly feed others if you are starving yourself. I blame facebook. I'm kind of kidding but that is all some people are like on there.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I think it's really hard. In my adult life I've always had a really strong sense of self and confidence in who I am, but once I became a mama, I really struggled. I lost a lot of myself in the infertility battle and I'm still figuring out who I am now that I'm an infertile mama. What I do feel confident about is who I am as a mama though. I'm sure it could be perceived by others that I've lost myself because of that, but there's a much bigger internal battle there then most people know. I think there's probably more going on under the surface for a lot of people then we can really see, but I certainly hope at the end of it all, that I come out strong in myself again so that I can stand side by side as me, hubby's wife, and bean's mama. Time will tell I suppose :)
ReplyDeleteHeh. I just went to a friend's party where one of her "mom friends" make such a big stinkin' deal all night about the group of "mom friends" and the group of "work friends" and it was sooooooo obnoxious. Like, seriously, biatch, conversing with me about non-child related topics has never made any of my friends who are moms burst into flames for fuck's sake.
ReplyDeleteI like to think I have a lot of labels, and I perish the thought of ever distilling myself down to one. I've only truly lost one friendship over IF, a friend who couldn't get over her survivor's guilt to keep hanging out with me; but I wasn't that sad about that friendship anyway, because I knew long ahead of that that she'd become one of those women who identified herself solely as "mommy/wife" once she had kids, and I knew I had no interest in maintaining a friendship with someone with such blinders on. My labels are linguist, athlete, dog-lover (maybe dog snob just a little bit too), reader, joker, happy hour lover, and listener. And you know what? Without even realizing it, I made my (admittedly not all-inclusive) list without even listing "wife" on there, but I think all of my labels are a little part of what makes me a good wife, and a little part of what would make me a good mom.
I've always enjoyed talkin' with the men and the women both, whatever the topic. I totally understand where you are coming from, and it's good to keep a sense of yourself! It'll be important for you to carve out time to recharge yourself!
ReplyDeleteFor me, the older I've gotten, the more I've begun to revel in my role as a wife. Less of me, more of "us," is a good thing for me. It's made me less caught up in my own drama, to a small degree (not that you can tell that from my blog!). I LOVE my newest role as "mother." I still feel like an imposter, but I love every minute of it. It's like everything has a new perspective, a different level of urgency and intensity. Nothing is as important as taking care of her, and that's a good thing. I don't think I'm explaining it very well, though.
I was just thinking about this now that I do have a kiddo and am a SAHM. I adore my son, but I don't think of myself primarily as his mom, Hopefully I can keep it that way!
ReplyDeleteMy number one fear about having a child is losing my identity. I stay pretty true to myself and independent from my husband and for the first time in my life I'm worried about getting sucked into someone else. It's such a selfish thought because I want to be more excited about having a child, but this nagging thought of "who will I become" is lingering. I'm fighting back, though. My office in my house would be PERFECT for a nursery, but I put my foot down and said, "NO WAY. It's my office." Good Lord, my child is going to hate me!
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW and thanks for this post.
AP
http://mydustyuterus.blogspot.com
I worry about losing my identity too and I second what someone else above said too, that now that I'm pregnant that seems to be all that anyone wants to talk about, and seriously, there are other things. Don't get me wrong this is the most exciting thing to me ever, but I'm still Deni too, and have other interests as well. I can't stand a group of women that only talks kids or complains about hubbies. I love my hubby and need to vent now and then, but bashing him constantly does nothing good for a marriage, plus there's just not that much bad to say about him! :)
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to see your girl though and discuss how we can keep 'us' while loving and spoiling 'them'!!! Getting closer and closer--can you believe it?!?!
I think it can be hard for SAHM moms to be recognized as more than "so-and-so's mom" unless they have something else in their life that defines them. I think it's easier for mothers who have a job to keep their former self more or less in tact.
ReplyDeleteI'm not actually married to my partner (a decision we made consciously before starting TTC) and maybe that has made it easier for me to not lose myself in the label of his "wife" (even though for all intents and purposes I am his wife). And now that I do have a child, I've been careful to maintain my identity outside of my daughter. I write my blog, I see my friends without my daughter and talk about things besides her, and I still work (though I wish I could stay at home). All those things help me keep my identity, or I feel like they do.
Thanks for such a thought provoking post. I'll be thinking more about this!
Happy ICLW! (#s 66 & 67)
Oh yeah!
ReplyDeleteWell, for one, I think that maintaining identity is easier for those who continue to work post-marriage.
I empathize with you when you talked of the awesome things the women were discussing. I hate it when an entire lunch session gets roated on a recipe of something someone brought. Ingredients, Versions, Variations and what not!
I don't rank how I am seen, but yes, I would hate it to only be known as Mrs. Elsewhere.
I also hate it when I do shopping for family, give them gifts and then when referring to who got them, they say Mr. Elsewhere....it happens on his side of the family a lot.
*rooted*
ReplyDeleteI totally agree that it seems that so many women no longer have an identity apart from "Mrs" and "Mom." I think it's sad, really.
ReplyDeleteOf all possible labels, I probably identify myself least as "Mr. M's wife." I am S first, a lawyer second. . . and I don't usually think of myself beyond those two labels. Maybe this is due to having married relatively late in life (age 37); I'm not sure.
This is not to say that I put my job/career above my marriage. I love my husband very much, and he knows he is #1 with me.
Hmm. Interesting post.