What's Going On

I have never known a more supportive group of people, truly. I am touched by the outpouring of support that I've received during the nightmare that I've been living and I can't even begin to say thank you enough. (((HUGS)))

1. Yesterday after the u/s showed that nothing had grown since last Thursday (so I was lucky enough to time it right for Mr SC to see the hb? Gee, thanks), we talked about my options. My RE does not want me to have a D&E because of my scar tissue, but she says it's up to me. I opted no. I'm going to give my body until next Monday to see if anything happens naturally. If it doesn't, then I'll go into the office for cytot.ec to be administered. I was going to do that this coming Monday, but I don't want to put my body through more shit. I also was dreading going into the office two mornings in a row to have things taken care of.

2. In light of the above, I talked to my principal and have pushed back my return date to 5/17. I was planning on going back to school next week. When I told Mr SC that, he looked at me like I was losing my marbles. He said was I 100% sure I could handle it and what happened if something happened while I was in school? So, I'm staying home. That will give me a week after the cytote.c, if it's necessary. **I realize that this is a luxury that many people don't have...to have such an understanding boss, to have the days to take, etc. I haven't been "ok" in a long time and I'm trying to do everything I can to get there.

3. We're taking a break until at least the fall. We're planning on going to the Redsk.ins/Col.ts football game in October (Mr SC loves the 'Skins and I'm a huge Colt.s fan, so it's our joint birthday presents to each other) and I'm thinking after then, maybe we'll start. I want the time to feel ok again. That may seem like a random benchmark, but I want to time to have fun and not worry about any of this shit, if at all possible. That would mean I'll be 37 when we start TTC again.

4. I'm going to see a different type of doctor for a 2nd opinion. My RE yesterday said that she was going to review everything, but she was 99% sure she ran all tests possible. I'm going to schedule a follow-up with her, too. I don't think I had a biopsy of my endometrium and I want to ask about the immunology testing I had done. To me, there has to be a problem. Three of my four losses were pretty much the same. Last May, 5w6d. Last October, 6wd2, measuring behind, after a hb. This time? 6w5d, after a hb. That just seems odd. This time, the Loven.ox didn't make a hill of beans of a difference, either.

5. The new type of doc is a MFM specialist (maternal fetal medicine). They manage high risk pregnancies and many practices help women with multiple losses before trying again. I'd like to see what he has to say.

We're getting away this weekend. My husband's family has a cabin and we're taking the dogs. I'm really looking forward to enjoying the nice weather and hiking with the dogs.

Thanks again to all of you. I don't know what I'd do without you.

No More Roller Coaster

Thank god. I always hated those damn things, whether they be the actual amusement park ride or this shit I've been living with for the last few weeks.

No heartbeat. No growth. It's over.

I Guess I Have to Deal With It

No more "playing" the role of housewife. I looked at the clock a little while ago and realized at this time tomorrow, I'll have a better idea of what's going on.


Tomorrow.


I've been doing the best I can at blocking it out of my mind so I can function like a normal person. I go back and forth though when thoughts do enter my head. Sometimes, I really think who the hell am I kidding?? There's NO WAY this can work out. My dates can't work out.


Then there are other times I think that it can. I'm not spotting anymore at all and I'm feeling different than I have before in my abdomen. Of course, this could mean nothing.


I still haven't decided if I'm going to look at the screen or not.


My worst case scenario? That there will still be a heartbeat, but one that is much, much too slow for it to be viable. They won't treat me for a m/c if there's still a HB, even if it's not a viable pregnancy.


And if it's bad news? The next steps care the shit out of me.

Tonight, I Will Dance with my Husband.

This was the one thing I was looking forward to the most this weekend, as selfish as it may sound. I couldn't wait to dance with Mr SC. As odd as this will sound, there weren't any slow songs played at the wedding while we were there this weekend. I was beyond disappointed.

Mr SC and I have been together a little over three years. We got married in a small ceremony, had a dinner for our guests and left for our honeymoon. We had a party a month later but it wasn't with a DJ, dancing, etc. This was the first wedding we've been to since we've been together, so the opportunity never really presented itself.

I'll know if my little bean still has a strong heartbeat in 2 1/2 days. Until then, I'm doing everything I can do go about life as normal, as bizarre as that may sound. I went grocery shopping today and I'm making something new for dinner.

And then, as cheesy as this may sound, I'll put on music for us and at some point, I'll get to dance with my husband. We'll both be in sweats in our living room with one of our dogs barking (she always does when we hug each other) but we'll get to have that moment. Somehow, even in the middle of all this pain and what we've endured, his arms are still what make me feel safe. I'm so thankful to have him and our marriage. It's not perfect, but we're committed to not letting all this rip us apart. So, in the midst of all of this, I'm making a happy memory.

I'm Back

We got home a little while ago from my aunt's wedding. It's so good to see her so happy and everything went well. She's heading to the Outer Banks for her honeymoon and taking her pooch, too!

Some things from the weekend:

1. It was nice to feel normal again, even if it was only for a couple of days. I just kept thinking, I don't know what's going to happen with this pregnancy, but please let me get through this weekend without incident. I must have gone to the bathroom 100 times, because I was so afraid things would happen. Nothing did. No spotting, nothing. A HUGE sigh of relief.

2. It was great to see my mom and she felt better seeing me too, that I was really functional and wasn't curled up in a ball, sobbing.

3. DH and I had time to talk in the car. No escaping there, huh? If this time doesn't work out, we're taking a break. Not the two month break either but a half decent break break. Six months? Until the end of the year? I don't know, but for a while. For my own body and for my own sanity we need to do this.

4. We're going to look into a second opinion if things don't work out. My RE (and I know others, too) in my situation feel like all testing has been done and the only option is to try naturally. Others feel like IVF with PGD is the way to go. Either way, we're going to be saving money like crazy.

So that's that. Three and a half more days.

One Day at a Time

Yesterday I spent too much time with Dr. Goog.le and a calendar, trying to figure out if this is even possible. My RE told me if my dates are off, then it is. It would seem far-fetched and there are too many "ifs" for my liking, but I've come to the conclusion that it could be possible (a +OPK but I didn't O until later and a super, super early HPT). Not very likely at all (I think my odds are better to win the lottery), but still within the realm of possibilities.

So for now, I am pregnant. For now, I have hope.

As twisted as this may sound, I'm glad I didn't see the heartbeat. Seeing that flicker on the screen in October was too much for me. Knowing that I had a heart inside of me that stopped beating was all the more difficult to grasp with that image seared in my memory.

I've decided to still stay home from work. My principal has been so understanding and generous. There's a good sub in and I although I could have gone in Mon-Wed, my mind is such mush right now that I wouldn't want to call off if I was having problems. I'm also able to go into my RE any day if I start spotting again.

I'm trying to let it go, at least for this weekend. My aunt is getting married. This may not sound like anything extraordinary, but for her, it is. She and I used to be extremely close but after battling drug addiction for many years, she lost everything...her home, her pets and even her children. She has been sober for ten years now and is now working as a counselor for a rehab facility. I am so proud of her and am so happy for her. She's 54 years old and has said that she finally has her happy ending. I'm leaving all of my shit behind for the weekend and celebrating her.

I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up

Disclaimer: This post will contain profanities.

Never in a million years could I make this shit up.

We get to my RE's office today at 8am. She wants to do an ultrasound to confirm that things are over.

I take off my glasses and lay back. I am not interested in seeing anything on the screen. My doctor asks me if I want to know things as she goes or at the end. I tell her whatever is easier for her.

After a few minutes she says, "Joanie, did you see that?" Joanie is her nurse. She says yes and apparently my husband did too. I'm thinking, what the fuck?

Joanie starts rubbing my leg.

After a few seconds, my RE asks me if I can hold my breath for 30 seconds. Um, sure. After about 10 seconds, she tells me there is a heartbeat. She said though that she couldn't measure how fast it was but that it was a normal heartbeat. I had stopped holding my breath.

I get dressed and go back over to the room to talk to her.

She tells me that it could still go either way.

WHAT????!!!!

I am in shock. She says that looking at my scan from last Thursday to this Thursday, that she's seeing appropriate growth and that everything looked good, if you don't consider my dates. I ask her how it can be off when I use OPKs and got a positive. She said well, you had surgery the cycle before. Sometimes that causes strange things to happen.

WHAT?!?!?

All I know is this. I got a +HPT on March 22nd. I'm not sure how off things could be. Based on the fetal pole length, I'm 6w5d. Based on the +OPK, I'd be 8 weeks today.

So I get to wait until next Thursday. I love my RE. She apologized profusely and said that she wishes there were something that she could do for me. She explained she didn't want to give me false hope, but that this isn't over.

This is exactly what happened last October when I miscarried. Exactly.