Update

Hi, everyone.

After my mini-meltdown (er, post) from a few days ago, I wanted to say thank you.  I felt really shitty blogging about that in the first place and I was scared that I would anger people.  I was genuinely touched by the outpouring of support and understanding that I received.

I talked to Mr SC.  He admitted he was an ass.

Baby A is doing better.  We saw her ped and we started her on reflux medicine.  We aren't sure if it was reflux or a growth spurt or the start of teething, but she's much, much better.

Finally, I felt a huge sense of relief getting all of that off my chest.  I'm not sure if I think I have PPD but I did start Lex.apro again.  Plus, my first postpartum AF arrived the next day, which I'm sure didn't help matters any.

Again, thank you all so much.

Something Just Isn't Right Here

Being a mom to a three month old baby has changed me, both physically and emotionally.

If I'm being honest though, dealing with IF/RPL has changed me more.   

That may seem strange to say but to me, it's perfectly logical.  I love my daughter.  It's tough, sure.  Mr SC and I can be a little more short with each other these days, true.  However, it's all so natural.   There are tough moments and days (see my pp) but you get through it and learn that tomorrow is another day.  There may be crying, and vomit and shitty diapers, but there are also smiles and giggles and cuddles.

IF/RPL is like being stuck in hell.   Or being falsely imprisoned.  You're there through no fault of your own and your sentence is completely unfair and downright cruel.  You protest.  You fight.  You kick and scream.  All to no avail.

Even though I'm a mom now, I still think of each of you and IF every day.  I'm still pissed off.  Last night, I found out that my drug addict cousin, who just is fresh out of rehab (and using again), got his current girlfriend pregnant.  That's oops baby number three.  Today, at the pediatrician, there was a mom with a newborn in her stroller.  As everyone else was ooohing and ahhing over the baby, I zeroed in on something else.

She had a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in the cupholder of the stroller.  And yes, she was alone.  They belonged to her.

I wanted to scream at that the woman.  I thought about "The Truth About Trying".  I thought about what so many of you are still going through.  I thought about what I went through the last three years.  I wanted her to get it.  To understand.  To realize how dumb she was.

Isn't it disgusting how people take the most precious things in life for granted?

The Post I'm Afraid to Write

"I Can't Handle It"

In our four and a half years together, I've never heard anything close to that come out of my husband's mouth.   We've been through flooding in our house, flooding in our garage, a fire, eight surgeries between the two of us and four miscarriages.  Today is the day I heard those words.

I didn't complain once when I was pregnant.  Not from the shots.  Or the insomnia that lasted throughout the entire pregnancy.  Or the intense back pain.  Or the gestational diabetes.

I gotta say though...I hate myself right now.

I feel like a failure.  As a wife.  As a mother.  As a person.  Pretty much in every aspect of my life.

Tensions are high in the house right now.  It's pretty much par for the course with an infant.  I get that.  What makes me a horrible mother though?   Other than the fact that I can't bfeed anymore (which I'm having a hard time with),  I can't take it when Baby A cries.

I know, I know...you're probably all rolling your eyes right now.

I'm her mother.  I should be able to soothe her.  Sometimes, lately, I can try all of the 75 different things that are in my bag of tricks and none of them work.  It's to the point over the last couple of weeks that I'm afraid to leave the house.  She's not a car baby and ends up screaming herself to sleep.  It's just awful.  So, why leave the house?  I can take her for walks in the neighborhood and that's pretty much all I've been doing.  I have plans this weekend with a friend and it's a 45 minute drive.  I am terrified that all she'll do is cry in the car and there's nothing I'll be able to do to help her.

Today we ventured to the nearest city (30 minutes and pretty much our only option) to go shopping for a few things.  She just kept crying and crying and crying.  I ended up in the back seat with her, trying to calm her.  Nothing was working.   Feeling so overwhelmed, I started sobbing myself.  That's when my husband said it.  When I asked him for clarification, he said that her crying and me crying just drives him over the edge and he can't handle it.  Insert reason #57 why I suck as a wife.

I feel like a shitty ass person even posting this here, but I'm not sure where else to turn.  Baby A is what we wanted for so long.  So incredibly long.  I feel so disgusted with myself that I get so upset about things but I do and I'm not sure what to do about it.

An Ending and a Question

Each day that goes by brings something new these days with our little Nitt.any Lion and, just when we think we have it figured out, it changes.  :)   One thing that hasn't changed is A's sleeping through the night.  She sleeps about eight hours a night!

I headed to the doctor this week for a physical and to talk about cholesterol.  I've had a history of high cholesterol and had been on medication for it since I was 25.  It's genetic and, even when I was working out six days a week and eating no meat and almost no cholesterol, it was still super high.  Anyway, TTC ended the meds three years ago.  Now, I've learned that it's back up there.  No doubt that the gestational diabetes added to it, too.  Mr SC and I talked about it and decided I should go back on meds, now.  This means no more breastfeeding.  I've been breast and bottle-feeding because I never quite produced enough (even with trying a variety of different things) but I'm still pretty upset about it.  I had wanted to continue until she was five months old.  It's important for Baby A to have her mother alive and healthy though, so it's what I have to do.

Something else I've been kicking around is whether or not to make the blog private.  I didn't really want to go private but, for those of you who are interested, I did want to share pics of Baby A.   I decided not to go private for the time being and, for those of you who want to keep up with things, we could be friends on FB.  I know that's a worlds colliding thing and all that, but honestly, there are several of you who I think of often and would love to keep better connected.   You'll have to send me an email though because you can't find me on FB from an email search.

Finally, hubs and I were asked to be interviewed for an article about infertility in a central Pennsylvania parent's magazine.  I really want to do it but I'm hesitant to have my name attached to the article.  I'm a teacher and I'm always fearful of parents and kids knowing too much about my personal life.  I'm wondering though if an interview from someone who wishes to remain anonymous just reinforces the isolation and stigma of IF.  Thoughts?

I Never Thought...

That I'd be the Woman Who:

• would finally figure out what love was all about and what marriage was supposed to be at 33
• would want a child so desperately
• suffered through four miscarriages, with no apparent answers or reasons for any of them
• would be lucky enough to have a beautiful rainbow baby
• loves to live in the country, in a small town without a traffic signal
• stopped following the news religiously
• would develop a love for gardening (although you can't much tell this year)
• would lose friends because I had a baby (and not IRL friends but friends from the IF community)

What Good's Another?

For those of you who've been following my blog for a while, you know that MIL lives next door.  It's not right next door, as there's land between us, but nonetheless, it's still next door.  Up until recently, she's been the best MIL.  Love, love, love her.

Until Baby A was born.

Immediately after A's birth, she did some bizarre stuff that really, really stung.  She decided, the day after A was born, to keep her plans and go to the family camp for the long holiday weekend (4th of July).  Most of the family went, too (fine, fewer visitors at hospital), but MIL was always the one who was going to take care of our dogs after the baby was born while we were in the hospital.  That meant that Mr SC had to drive home in the morning and a night again to take care of the dogs (leaving us at the hospital) until we found a friend who could help.  The hospital was 50 minutes away...so it wasn't easy.  

When she comes over to the house, she just sits and stares at the baby.  Stares.  Doesn't offer to help.  Doesn't bring dinner.  Just stares.  I'm sorry, but we don't have time to sit around and chit chat/visit so you can just stare at the baby.  

The garden we have is supposed to be a collaborative effort.  Weeding, picking, etc. is shared by us.  She's stepped foot in the garden one time this year.  Once.  I've come to learn that many, many newborns must be held almost 24-7 or they cry.  Baby A is getting better (we can put her down when she's sleeping during the day now) but, especially in the beginning, it was tough to deal with the garden (58 tomato plants, green beans, snap peas, peppers) and keep up with it.  She's not interested at all in the garden this year.  It's been tough for Mr SC and I'm not much help because of the baby.

This post has turned into a bitch.y one, and that's not really what I intended.  I just am at a loss here.  She's been so incredibly bizarre and what I've posted is  just a bit of what's going on.  She recently shared that she was so sick with worry during the pregnancy and I'm wondering if that has something to do with it.  

Or, my ultimate fear?  This is her 11th grandchild.  I fear that, to her, Baby A is just a dime a dozen where grandbabies are concerned.  Then, there's my mother, who lives an hour and a half away and would kill for the chance to see her grandchild on a daily basis.  I'm the only child and this is her only grandchild.

Looking back, I'm not sure why I wrote this post.  Perhaps for insight?  To get it off my chest?  I'm not sure.  Anyway, if you've read the post this far, thanks.  :)

A New Chapter

Today is an odd day for me.  It's the first day of school and, for the first time in fourteen years, I'm not there.  I thought perhaps it would be difficult but I can honestly say it's not.  That just makes me more concerned for what it will be like to leave Baby A when I do return to work.

So, what's been going on these days?

Baby A is 8 1/2 weeks old.  She's turning more and more into an infant and not a newborn.  She's incredibly strong physically and extremely strong-willed mentally.  We have a running debate if she's stubborn like her daddy or mommy.  :)  She's smiling regularly and making tons of sounds, too.

We've had two overnights!   She spent the night with us at Grammy and Pop-Pop's (my parents) and also overnight at camp.  Both trips went very well!

She's sleeping longer.  The last four nights she's slept at least seven hours straight!

Mr SC has been home with us for a month now.  He hurt his elbow at work before the baby was born and reaggravated it when he returned.  I hate that he's in pain but him being home couldn't have happened at a better time.  We take turns being "on duty" with her and it's really been working out well.

The last few days, we've been able to put her down when she's napping.  Before that, you pretty much had to hold her all the time or she screamed.  I love holding my daughter more than anything, but it's tough to have to hold her 24 hours a day.  She loves her swing now, too.  

A friend of the family is going to watch her when I return to work in December.  She watches children from time to time for friends and Baby A will be the only one with her.  She lives about two minutes from our house and it's about 10 minutes from work for both of us. There is no way financially that we can afford for me to stay home longer but I know when the time comes, knowing Baby A will be with her will make it a little easier.

For those of you who are still reading, I thought I'd leave you with some of my favorite pics.  :)