"I Can't Handle It"
In our four and a half years together, I've never heard anything close to that come out of my husband's mouth. We've been through flooding in our house, flooding in our garage, a fire, eight surgeries between the two of us and four miscarriages. Today is the day I heard those words.
I didn't complain once when I was pregnant. Not from the shots. Or the insomnia that lasted throughout the entire pregnancy. Or the intense back pain. Or the gestational diabetes.
I gotta say though...I hate myself right now.
I feel like a failure. As a wife. As a mother. As a person. Pretty much in every aspect of my life.
Tensions are high in the house right now. It's pretty much par for the course with an infant. I get that. What makes me a horrible mother though? Other than the fact that I can't bfeed anymore (which I'm having a hard time with), I can't take it when Baby A cries.
I know, I know...you're probably all rolling your eyes right now.
I'm her mother. I should be able to soothe her. Sometimes, lately, I can try all of the 75 different things that are in my bag of tricks and none of them work. It's to the point over the last couple of weeks that I'm afraid to leave the house. She's not a car baby and ends up screaming herself to sleep. It's just awful. So, why leave the house? I can take her for walks in the neighborhood and that's pretty much all I've been doing. I have plans this weekend with a friend and it's a 45 minute drive. I am terrified that all she'll do is cry in the car and there's nothing I'll be able to do to help her.
Today we ventured to the nearest city (30 minutes and pretty much our only option) to go shopping for a few things. She just kept crying and crying and crying. I ended up in the back seat with her, trying to calm her. Nothing was working. Feeling so overwhelmed, I started sobbing myself. That's when my husband said it. When I asked him for clarification, he said that her crying and me crying just drives him over the edge and he can't handle it. Insert reason #57 why I suck as a wife.
I feel like a shitty ass person even posting this here, but I'm not sure where else to turn. Baby A is what we wanted for so long. So incredibly long. I feel so disgusted with myself that I get so upset about things but I do and I'm not sure what to do about it.
Kelly don't feel disgusted, ashamed or embarrassed for feeling this way. Remember that even though you just had her in July it hasn't been that long and it's all new. Plus don't forget your hormone levels are still off and not helping how you're feeling.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine it's frustrating to feel helpless when she's crying. Sounds like both you and your husband are frustrated and just know that it's okay and you're going through a transition period. Chin up, things will get better!
You're not a failure. Having a new baby puts a lot of stress on a marriage. It can't be easy for either of you to hear your baby cry inconsolably, and I think most husbands have a hard time with seeing their wives cry.
ReplyDeleteProbably hard to keep in mind while you're dealing with it day by day, but your daughter will pass through this stage. It won't always be so difficult to take her anywhere in the care. Hang in there.
You are NOT a failure. I'm sorry for all the stress, and I wish you're husband would have more understanding. I know he got frustrated, but you were too, and so was the baby- it wasn't pleasant for anyone. But no, you are not a failure. It's not going to be smooth sailing, and that's not your fault in anyway- that's life. Do not blame yourself. Right now things are hard, but hopefully with time they will get easier. (*hugs*) until then.
ReplyDeleteIt is NOT easy. At all. The crying will send the toughest over the edge. Start with the pediatrician. And your doctor. Have you considered PPD? And if she has colic, that is a volatile combination. Go. Talk to the doctors. And know that we are here and love you. HUGS.
ReplyDeletexoxo me too
ReplyDeleteBabies' cries are *designed* to make adults uncomfortable, so that we respond to them.
ReplyDelete... Unfortunately, when our babies are inconsolable this makes us turn from relatively normal human beings to ripping our hair out from the stress remarkably fast.
You are *not* a failure. I promise.
Leave the bf-ing thing aside. If you could have done longer you would have. But you being alive and well to take care of Baby A is BY FAR the most important thing. And bf-ing her at all has done her the world of good.
Please leave the house. Isolation is the worst thing in the world for you right now. When J has been fussy and crying and grumping a lot talking to other people with young babies has made *THE WORLD* of difference.
And please don't feel bad about your husband. Yes it must be really hard for him - but don't forget that it's hard for you too. Hormones and sleep deprivation and the fact that you know how shitty it is losing a baby and feeling that you shouldn't be complaining - I can understand that he can't cope - but you are the LAST person he should say that to when you're upset. He needs to find a support system so he can support you more effectively.
This is a british charity but they do support by email... I'm sure if you use a non-specific email they won't ask where you are.... http://www.cry-sis.org.uk/info.html
PLEASE ask for support. From your hubby, from family and friends. And don't forget that if you're at the end of your tether it's OK to leave her with someone (or even in her cot (obviously checking that she will be safe)) while you go and sit down and have a drink and breathe deeply and wash your face. She won't come to any harm, and you'll feel more able to cope with the crying if you have five or even ten minutes off.
Sometimes when J is bad I pretty much throw him at my hubby and go and hide my head under the pillow so I can't hear him crying. Amazing how much better I feel after a short break (only 2-5 minutes usually but it makes all the difference).
Oh - and we thought at first J wasn't a car baby. Turned out that he needs to wear less layers when in his car seat. He was far too hot and hated it. Once we worked that out he is 1000000000x happier in the car and often falls asleep there now. We felt like such shitty parents when we realised we'd been overheating him but we meant well. Could that be it? Or is there something sticking out of her car seat that could hurt her?
If you were a bad mum you wouldn't be bothered by all this.
Sending love and strength. xxxx
Don't be ashamed! I just wish I had more to offer in the way of comfort.
ReplyDeleteYou are not a failure. You have EVERY right to feel frustrated. We don't lose that right, just because we what we went through to get here. I think your hubby was a little in the wrong- you had every right to cry. This isn't something you are doing wrong I am sure of it, I agree follow up with the docs and if all is okay- than try and ride it out/ take shifts/ breaks. Take a deep breath and know you can take 2 minutes to gather yourself!
ReplyDeleteHaving a little one is hard. As much as everyone wants one, no one can deny it's life changing and hard. I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. I hope it gets better soon. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteOhhh, Sweetie!:( don't beat yourself up! You have a stressful period of your life trying to adjust to having a new little person around. The constant-crying issue is a hard one! you have tried so many things to try to soothe her, how is that to show you are a GREAT mother! you are a beautiful, caring mother. It is just the fact that sometimes it's challenging to figure out what an infant wants. I hope the stress levels will drop asap, your hubby will be more patient and your baby girl will calm down a bit. Did you try talking to a nurse? they may give you an idea on what to try, what to do!
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))) and lot's of love your ways!
I've never commented before but reading this post brought back so many memories for me. It sounds like you are battling ppd. I had it after my son was born (2008) and so many of the things you are experiencing I can totally relate to. It took us over 3 years to have him and I also had a difficult pregnancy (gest diabetes among several other issues.) When we brought him home all I could think was "what have I done?" We had prayed so hard and been through so many doctor visits over the 3 years and I felt guilty that I wasn't in complete bliss at finally being a mother. I loved him with every fiber of my being but I was terrified of being the one responsible for him. I felt like I was unworthy of being a mother and that I couldn't handle it. My husband was so patient with me but it made me feel worse that he was so good with our son while I was nearly crippled with fear at the thought of him going back to work. I can also relate to the feeling of being a bad mother when the baby cries but guess what? Babies cry. Some of them (my son included) cry a lot. And it's not your fault. I can recognize this fact now but while I was battling the ppd I felt it was somehow my fault every time he cried and I couldn't soothe him. I was lucky that our pastor's wife recognized my struggle and reached out to me. A friend of hers had committed suicide because of ppd so she knew exactly what I was dealing with even though I didn't yet. She checked on me regularly and talked me through some very dark moments and I will be forever grateful to her. It's not being dramatic to say that she saved my life. If I can pay it forward, what a blessing that would be.
ReplyDeleteNot that you asked, but here is my advice:
see your doctor and let him/her know what you are struggling with. Be brutally honest and don't worry, it's nothing they haven't heard before. I was terrified that my doctor would say I was an unfit mother and take my child away but he assured me that I was neither unfit nor crazy, which I feared I was. He gave me medication to help and he promised me it would get better. I only needed the medication for a few months and it DID get better. SO much better.
Reach out to your friends and family. Don't let yourself become isolated. Keep writing on your blog as well; how I wish I'd had my blog back then. If you would like to talk, I would be happy to give you my email address or phone number. Please know that you don't have to do this alone.
If someone offers to help with the baby, let them. If no one offers, ask. I didn't do this because I felt like I had wanted him so badly and now he was my responsibility. But people love babies and most are happy to help.
I hope that the comments on this post help you; it seems like you have a lot of people that love you and are concerned. It might not seem like it right now, but it will get better.
*Hugs*
Angela
I'm so sorry, Kelly. It sucks to feel this way. The 'I can't handle it' for me is when HM was up every 45 min-1 hour every night for weeks and weeks. I felt like a terrible mom. I would have given my right eye for a full night of sleep. And then when I thought that and felt that so fiercely, the guilt would come. But we're human, Kelly. We are struggling with some hard things. Having desired a living child for SO long and suffering through losses doesn't make having a living child easier. It is still hard. There are so many hard things to raising a baby. You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteCan you call some friends and take a walk or go out for coffee or lunch. It will help immensely. It always does for me.
Love and many prayers.
ebe
I'm so sorry that you're feeling frustrated. I remember having a similar experience when my baby girl was just a few weeks old and having this "ah ha" moment that all of the patience I had been praying for leading up to and during my pregnancy was really just practice for when she actually arrived. We've also had our screaming drives--with my husband and with a friend. Hang in there and know you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good mom! Please do talk to your doc and baby's doc. Maybe it's PPD, maybe it's colic, maybe both--but there is help out there. Have you looked into local moms' groups? MOMS Club and Mothers & More are both great and have lots of chapters nationwide (there are plenty of other groups too but I'm most familiar with those). It's been so helpful to have other moms to talk to who are going thru the same things, and since they're nearby, we can have fun outings without having to go far with baby, which can certainly be a big production! It's so important to have a support network. Also, I do think your husband was wrong to say that. It's stressful for both of you, and with hormones still raging, of course you have the occasional crying jag. I think it's normal to cry sometimes when the baby's crying uncontrollably. And it is harder when you've wanted a baby for as long as you and I have, because it seems like you're only allowed to be grateful, never stressed. But it's still hard, no matter how much you wanted and cherish this baby. It will get easier, though I know it doesn't feel that way when you're in the thick of it. I hope you get the support you need & deserve, and please know that you are doing a good job.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie! You do NOT suck as a mother or wife. E is about the same age as A and I often feel like the world's fussiest baby lives at my house. I totally know how you are feeling. Totally. I'm in the thick of it right now too. It is so awful to have a screaming baby that cannot be soothed. My husband is a pilot and until a couple weeks ago I could not handle overnights alone. And even now and can only handle two nights alone and I'm left counting down the hours until gets home. He was supposed to be gone for 4 days this week and i told him I couldn't do it, so he ended up having to switch up his schedule.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to feel like this. It really is hard. But it WILL get better. She'll be able to soothe herself eventually. And it will get easier. Sleep deprivation makes things so much harder too.
And you are NOT a bad mom for not being able to BF. You did the best you could. Sending you a virtual hug. Hang in there.
This is exactly the place to post this. You need to get this off your chest. You're not a bad wife or a bad mom. It sounds like A is an extremely high-maintenance baby, and what you've described sounds it would be completely overwhelming for anyone. I hope things improve for all of you soon.
ReplyDeleteNo advice. Just (((Hugs))). That must have been really, really hard to hear.
ReplyDeleteI just started reading. I have a one year old, and I can understand how you feel. No one tells you how hard those first few months can be. It is really hard!!! The sleep deprivation alone is miserable. Breastfeeding is really really really hard. All of it can be really hard on your marriage. I will tell you a year later it is so much easier. I hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself!!!!
ReplyDeletehang on, so just because you wanted a baby for so long, went through hell to have one - it now means that you can't admit to struggling a bit with motherhood? i say pffffffft to that young lady!
ReplyDeletemotherhood is HARD. i'm not a mum and yet i know that. you're raising another human for godsake, that is NEVER going to be easy and what makes it worse is that when that human cries because it can only cry, it cannot tell you what's wrong, so you have to make educated guesses and yes sometimes they just cry for the hell of it - cruel i know but don't worry you can repay them on their 21st when you pull out the nudie photo's of them.
when DH told you that he couldn't handle it, did you politely point out that you too, are struggling to handle it but that it's just something you have to put up with? work through? together - as in as a TEAM?
before you let these feelings spiral out of control you need to do two things
1. sit down and tell DH how hard you are finding it, how it's a struggle for you too. that you've wanted this baby for so long and to think that you're now struggling with motherhood [which btw EVERY woman does at some point, whether she admits it or not!] is bothering you and you feel like you shouldn't admit it or talk about it.
2. go and talk to someone other than your husband, it can be a family member, friend or doctor but i would actually suggest someone who you don't know such as a counsellor, someone who can look at your situation through NEW eyes and reassure you that despite your struggle and need to become a mumma, what you're feeling and experiencing is PERFECTLY NORMAL.
lastly - you need to give yourself time out. even as B said it's only 5 minutes - it's 5 minutes that you can take a step back and away from the situation, breath and just be.
don't be so hard on yourself kelly, wanting something and then getting it doesn't mean you don't have the right to complain when it's hard.
sending love
xxx
Sending you lots and lots of hugs. You are not a failure in anyway. Being a mom is HARD! I know how it is when they are crying and you can't make it stop. I went through that with LM before he got reflux meds. Each feeding would just be screaming every three hours. Has she always been like this? Is there something the matter that you can fix like her formula, reflux, or something else? If not all you can do is your best and you are doing your best. Hang in there, get some support from those close to you, maybe someone could watch her for a bit while you get a break, and keep the faith. I believe in you.
ReplyDeleteDlurking to say that you are NOT a bad mother! And to tell you that this too shall pass. All the other ladies before me said it well, go see the ped, your doc, be honest with yourself and trust that this is JUST A PHASE. Honest to God it is. And it WILL pass. I promise. Most mothers have been there, and it is like the labour pains: horrible, very strong, but once they pass, you only remember the good parts. The fussiness, the crying, all of it, will go away. Just give yourself some slack, will you? You need to find some time for yourself as well, it is important for everyone.
ReplyDeleteHugs and thinking of you.
Darling, I wish I could just give you a hug. This is all too much at once. I echo your bright commenters here and say that you are doing your best, which is all that anyone could do right now. Hang in there. This was just a low spot and I know things will get better.
ReplyDeleteKelly, he loves you.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately parenthood is not as rosy as it seems to appear on advertisements.
I am myself scared about what would I do if I can't handle the baby.
You just had a meltdown, and hubby had NO CLUE as to what to do to set it right.
Have you spoken to A's pediatrician? Is it colic? Babies tend to enjoy car rides, and so it appears a little unusual.
I am a bad help in motherhood section, because nothing I have to say is firsthand.
Please give yourself and hubby and A time to adjust with each other.
These days will pass.
I'm proably repeating advice you have already gotten but I really think it's important to 1) get support, ask at the hospital you gave birth at about a new moms group-- you don't have to go through this alone! 2) to remember that babies cry ALOT even when there's nothing wrong and not being able to comfort your child does not mean you are a bad parent! Crying does not cause brain damage and sometime all you can do is just be there with them. Lastly earplugs (I'm not kidding) many many hugs to you and your DH babies are hard work but they are worth it.
ReplyDeleteOh my... this hits so close to home. So I'm gonna tell you what everyone's telling me - you are NOT a bad mom or wife. This shit is hard, and having an inconsolable baby multiplies it by 1,000.
ReplyDeleteI second (or third, or fourth) the sentiment of trying to find help or support. I know it's not easy - firsthand, I know. But we've gotta figure this stuff out.
Talk to your DH and work through this together.
And, I hear you. I am terrified that my boy will scream when we're in public. TERRIFIED. It's so hard; no matter how bad you wanted this little one, it's still hard work. Hang in there, chica. ((Hugs))
You are not a bad mother and I am in no way rolling my eyes. I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place right now and both of you are having such a tough time.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can find someone who can help. I wish I had some advice. But all I have is lots of love and support and repeated comments of "you are not a bad mother, or wife or person or anything else.". (((hugs)))
Oh no! I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I don't think bad of you and definitely won't roll my eyes! I know a lot of new moms feel like you're feeling. I don't have any advice, but sending hugs and love your way. Please vent to us anytime!
ReplyDeleteHang in there. This week I heard "It's just too much" from my DH. Being parents is HARD, and being parents after dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss is HARD! Sometimes just saying it outloud makes it easier to "handle" Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI know someone else has probably commented this... But maybe she has colic or reflux? I'm not that experienced, but I've had friends whose experience sounds similar to yours. Hang in there. I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time. Hugs to you!!
ReplyDeleteMunchkin screamed a lot when she was a baby her record was 8 hrs non stop. Hubby youst to wonder why i couldn't settle her as well. In hindsight i think she had reflux and was in pain a lot. take your bub to the doctor and get her checked out. otherwise try some baby paracetamol and see if it helps. hope things improve soon
ReplyDeletetake care
Kelly, I appreciate this honest post. I know there are lots of comments already, but I just want you to know that it has taken me the better part of an entire year after my baby was born to feel even remotely "normal" again. Even for those of us who have waited for years to be parents and love our babies more than anything, it's hard adjusting with a little one, and being tired and stressed makes everything feel so much worse. It's hard not to feel like it's a personal failure when your baby is upset. I really struggled with that, and in addition I felt like I put my marriage on the back burner for far too long. I just want to encourage you that it gets better and I guarantee that a lot of moms will read this post and know exactly how you feel. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as you struggle during this time. Thank you so much for being honest with this post - I'm so proud of you for admitting that everything isn't fabulous. There are so many women out there that have gone through similar experiences - you are not alone. I hope you take some of this advice and get help. Will continue thinking of you!!! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteYou are not failure as a wife or a mother! you love your baby and your husband so, so much. SOmetimes babies are inconsolable, it's not *your* fault. They're gassy or overtired, or just upset. It's difficult, but do not take it as a sign that you're not a good mom. You are!!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there in those tough times. this will pass! xo
So sorry you are going through this. You are NOT a failure. Sending hugs your way.
ReplyDelete