First, I was shaken yesterday. I went to the bathroom and, upon inspection, there appeared to be a tiny, tiny sliver of red. I started panicking. Actually, I started saying out loud, "you've got to be fuc*ing kidding me". Upon much, much closer inspection, I was able to remove the red from my mini-pad. It was a freaking THREAD from my sweater. Seriously. WTF??
Today, one of my friends was all about trying to talk to me about being pregnant. I had to gently tell her no, no. Not yet. She didn't understand why not. "But you're pregnant! Look at you!" she said. Although I gave her a shortened version of what I'm feeling, here's why:
I don't understand why this is happening to me. Instead of thinking about nurseries and lullabies all day, these are the questions that swirl around my brain:
Why do I get to be pregnant when so many women aren't who desperately want to be?
How can I even think about wearing maternity shirts (which I need to start wearing) with my history? Who do I think I'm kidding? Wearing those shirts is just like wearing a big, red, flashing sign that says, "HAHA!! She actually thinks she's have a baby!"
Why is this time any different from any of the others?
How can someone tell me to rest easy about those "rare" complications? Um, statistics weren't in my favor with four miscarriages. Why would they start now?
I read loss stories. Second and third trimester loss stories. All I can think about is, "why them"? Why should they experience such hell and why would I get so lucky to have a take-home baby?
What I realized yesterday is that this is it. Mr SC and I decided to stop trying in October. We decided all the loss was just too painful. A week later we found out I was pregnant. If we lose this baby, this is it. No more hope. And, the pain of yet another loss, so much further along? I can't even wrap my head around that pain.
So my state of mind is pretty much either a: denial or b: anxiety. I'll be in the middle of teaching and all of a sudden stop and think, "holy shit...I'm pregnant". I promptly push that out of my head.
I just can't shake the feel that fate is somewhere above me, watching over me, cackling that horrible sound and just waiting for when he's going to let the other shoe drop.
Ummm, Kelly, you've had, what, 4 miscarriages, I think? So, you put your time in, girl! Feel free to be happy. Stop feeling bad. You deserve this! K? :)
ReplyDeleteEnough with the survivor's guilt! But don't feel guilty for having it. HUGS. Just so you know, I'm still in miscarriage-land and TTCAL and I'm not angry that you're doing ok, that you're still pregnant and that you are likely to have a baby.
ReplyDeleteIf you must stop reading about later losses and resume your compassion and caring once you're holding your baby in your arms.
Oh Kelly, I am so sorry you have to have so much anxiety. I don't have a baby yet and I am TTC and DON'T feel bad for me. I am happy for you, it's not like your having a baby is preventing me from having mine. Your baby is SO deserved. SO wanted.
ReplyDeleteBut, I can't tel you not to feel how you are feeling. You need to do what you need to do to survive right now. I say, try and take it one day at a time, one week at a time. And I will keep sending you warm thoughts.
stop reading. its like a scab that you keep picking over and over again and its never going to heal.
ReplyDeleteeverytime you read, you get yourself worked up, your mind goes into overdrive and you think "this could happen to me" - and yeah sure it could but the chances are it wont.
i wont use the "d" word because i hate it, no one "deserves" it more than anyone else, happiness should be something we're all granted in our lives but i will say that perhaps just perhaps, this is it - allow yourself to believe, that this is your baby, the one you will hold in your arms.
~x~
All I can say is stop reading the loss stories! I read a few a while back and they really got in my head. They would be completely devastating to read if you weren't pregnant. And then hang in there, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
ReplyDeleteI know saying not to feel guilty won't help, so I won't.
ReplyDeleteAnd, you deserve to feel however you do.
And, honey, I am sending every thought i have to make this a "no dropping shoe" zone.
Well considering my TTC history surrounding RPL is non-existent, I can only tell you that I had these intense feelings you are describing and I didn't even have a reason to worry. I let the guilt and fear become all-consuming during my pregnancy. I wish I had done a better job of enjoying and letting it go (like everyone and their momma told me to do) because now I feel guilty for feeling guilty. How's that for stupid,twisted rationale? Plus, NOW I think that my guilt has compounded into some funky form of depression post baby and I know it's all interrelated. Yeah. So I'm no help here. Just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone. I hope you can find a way to corral your feelings so that you can enjoy your pregnancy and baby.
ReplyDeleteAnother post I could have written. I struggle with similar feelings everyday too. I wish it was different...that I could let the past go, but this is my reality. I'm working on it, but it's a process.
ReplyDeleteYou are in good company my friend. Hang in there.
Oh I could have written so much of this post! I too have been filled with anxiety lately and worried about sharing the pregnancy with others, as if by saying anything at work and actually being happy about it will jinx me into something going wrong. As you said definitely waiting for the other show to drop. I'm so sorry...I too wish things were different, but it's so hard to not worry after loss.
ReplyDeleteTotally, totally, completely, totally understand. I'm here too. Why this time. . .why me. . .and this is IT.
ReplyDeleteBut I think you can't force your feelings to change; I think all you can do is trust that they will in time. We know too much to be naive. I've promised my husband that if I make it to 37 weeks I'll try to stop worrying about miscarriage.
What you are feeling are normal feelings. I agree with the other comentors you gotta stop reading the loss stories--- I drove myself nuts with those. I hope you will find that as your pregnancy progresses you are able to at times enjoy it. I'd like to tell you the anxiety will go away but it proably won't. As some point you will come to the realization that not talking about or acknowledging the pregnancy won't protect you from falling in love with the baby growing inside of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're feeling this way, Kelly. I've never made it past 10w, so I really don't know, but I have a pretty strong suspicion that this feeling never goes away. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteOoooh Kelly - STOP reading the loss stories. It's good to support others, but not to the detriment of your peace of mind while you're pregnant. Step away from the loss... and the survivor's guilt. We are ALL so excited for you - and all of us that are still TTC GET IT - that you have endured more than your fair share of hell - and you give us hope that this can/will happen for us as well!! Hang in there...
ReplyDeletetough stuff you're going through, Kelly. That's true survivors guilt. It's also that you are in completely uncharted territory. Your past experiences would all point to the fears you are having. How to live as if you hadn't been so hurt before? I don't know how, but I think it's worth trying to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteI think you're completely normal, but I did have to quit reading loss stories, seriously like right after I found out I was pg, and I rarely even read the pregnancy books because I've read a couple of times and they mentioned loss, and it freaked me out! Now, I'm trying really hard to stay away from anything like that! It's hard to navigate this road, but i know that I've found that I don't want to regret not celebrating this baby every step of the way.
ReplyDeleteWhen people bring up the subject of me being pregnant I get all twitchy, and try to answer the questions as quickly and concisely as possible. I do wear maternity clothes, but it's still very weird. That survivors guilt is difficult because like it was said above, no one deserves it more than another, so we feel bad that we don't all just get pregnant and have healthy babies at the same time. Wish we could (in a perfect world)!
You deserve for this pregnancy to work!
ReplyDeleteEvery. Single. Pregnancy. I have felt this way. And each one could have gone either way. I could have lost them or they could have been live children. I don't have answers on how not to feel this way, but I can tell you as someone with many losses who is not currently pregnant and hopes to be one day (and keep it!) I feel no jealousy, or bitterness or anger at your pregnancy that is looking pretty darn good, I feel HOPE!
ReplyDeleteI feel hope that "if Kelly can get all the way there then dammit so can I!" I wish only good things for you with this pregnancy and by gosh I WANT it all to turn out right for you.
So that's all I have to offer, but I hope it helps you to remove that sliver of guilt and anxiety of your journey and I hope someone else has something else to offer you for the rest, so you get to enjoy this journey that is your own personal miracle! x
Totally get everything your saying, the guilt, the anxiety. Its all there and it all totally makes sense. Sometimes though, things do work out, it only takes one time....and this is your time, it is possible that this IS YOUR TIME! We have all been through a lot, and sometimes some of us get to cross the bridge to the other side. No one knows who/when/or how, but it happens. You need to start reading stories of woman who have been were you are and have a baby in arms.
ReplyDeleteKelly, I've also had 4 miscarriages. Hubby & I are currently TTC. Your story gives me HOPE!!! It makes me think, "If she can do it then so can I !!" :)
ReplyDeleteGirlie....I know it is hard not to feel bad for others that are still trying to conceive/going through horrible RPL....and Im not sure why now is suddenly our time...Only God knows that....I will say that I know when I started blogging all of my girls were under my Adventures in Baby Making section...now I a ton under Adventures in Pregnancy section...and a handful in Aventures in Motherhood....So believe me Miracles are happening for other people in the IF/RPL world...And for those still treking along I offer support,comments, and truly believe I/we give them hope:) Hope that it is possible and helps them to push on! At least when I was in that position when I would see other fellow IF/RPL get pregnant it restored my hope and I was happy for them...So trust me you are an inspiration to many woman and they are happy for you so you def need to be happy too...
ReplyDeleteBeing that I am full term now...and no I never though I would make it this far with all my bad odds like you said and always fallen in that percentage of people with bad luck...I have beaten all the odds...and its possible for you to:)
I expressed anxiety over birth/complications to my OB over this past month and he kinda put it into words well...Kristi this is normal honestly getting pregnant was a struggle...being pregnant has been a struggle...and until you have this Baby and see a positive outcome and know good things are possible for you...you will feel this way...Maybe some days more than others
And it is true until we have a positive outcome it is hard to put all the fears in the past when thats all we have known for a LONG time in our lives...But I have said it before it is a process step by step day by day...and one day you will just feel good I promise...its just a matter of when your turning point will be:) Hang in there and know I am here to support you...HUGS!!!
I know how you feel! I managed to buy a crib only because I found one I liked on clearance that came with a free mattress. But looking at other things I just feel all, "Why bother? Do you REALLY think you're lucky enough to get this baby?" I don't even own any real maternity clothes (yet?). Instead, I wear a long tank top tucked into my pants so my belly doesn't show.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that helped me was to stop reading late loss stories. Every time I catch myself looking one up, I instead click over to http://www.immunize.org/reports/ to read stories about the toll of disease on the unvaccinated. It gives me something parenthood-related instead of loss-related to freak out about. And I drink a lot of apple juice because it makes Tatoe dance, and that reassures me every time.
I know it's easier to say it to another person than it is to think it for yourself. But I really believe that this is your Real Live Take-Home Baby. (((hugs)))
*hugs* I can't read second and third trimester loss stories. They get to me and make me freak out and worry. So I avoid reading them for now.
ReplyDeleteIn the first trimester I was wearing a red tracksuit sorta thing. The red fibers from my pants got on my underwear somehow and I freaked the heck out. Luckily I realized it was just from my outfit. Hang in there.
Oh punkin.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like survivor's guilt and, perhaps, a little bit of "if I allow myself to feel happiness, this will surely be taken away from me."
Hon, what will be will be, whether you're happy or anxious the whole time. Your worry and negative thoughts are not keeping your baby in you. Likewise, happy thoughts will not kill your baby. The superstitious side of you is probably saying "well, I've made it so far, and I've had mostly negative thoughts, so I mustn't change!" It's a hard habit to break.
Lord only knows why things happen when they happen, but sweetie, that's not for us to decide or know or even make sense of.
For the love of all that is holy, I implore you to stop reading the loss stories. They say ignorance is bliss for a reason. ;)
((((((HUGE HUGS))))))) Your little lion is growing strong. There's lots of thoughts and prayers out in the universe for you and for Lion. One day a time; hang in there, hon.
There are so many hard things about being pregnant after loss and one of those things (a BIG thing) is the crazy mind games that play in your head.
ReplyDeleteKelly, you are going through so many normal pregnancy emotions because of hormones and what not, and THEN you also have the thoughts of 'what if' and 'why me' because of your history.
If it would help for your own heart for me to stop commenting and reminding you of what could happen, then I will stop commenting (but continue to be here for you in my heart).
Just think of Hannah Mae, Kelly. She's napping in her room right now. She's alive and well and the worst that I feared DID NOT happen.
Love you friend.
ebe
I agree that there is some survivors guilt, but wearing your maternity clothing, and thinking that this baby is going to be your take home baby is not going to tempt fate. Stop reading about all the bad things and read those stories about babies who where born healthy even though the mom never knew that she was pregnant, because if those woman can have a healthy baby, we total can
ReplyDeleteIt must be completely normal for you to feel that way! Sending hugs your way! I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteDitto everything Mic said above. TRY to enjoy as hard as that may be. You are SO very deserving of being happy.
ReplyDeleteOddly enough, I had the string thing happen to me too!
I know what you mean, I still feel that way ~ why do I get to experience this, when so, so many very deserving women are out there waiting? For me, it's still in the back of my mind, but I also am (finally) in a place of starting to enjoy and really get excited about this baby. You'll get there.
ReplyDeleteSo glad it was just a red string!
i understand. all of it. more than i can say. i'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop too. it's no fun.
ReplyDeletei believe you should stop reading blogs that scare you. i had to do it. it's necessary to protect your head and your heart. i know it feels like you're waiting for things to go wrong, but honestly - reading about second and third trimester losses is stressful and upsetting and when you're pregnant, you don't need to invite that in. just remember, there is a chance that this really is your take-home baby. for now, you have to look after yourself as though that is so. and i know sometimes that's all it is, acting-as-though. but whatever gets you through.
and it's taken me a long, long time to accept that. but it's true.
sending hugs xxx
I agree with other girls. Try to not read bad stories. If you really want to read, there are plenty of PAL success stories out there, I try to get my inspiration and some strength from those myself!
ReplyDeleteThe feelings you are having are sooo hard to deal with. Just try to focus on yourself, and your LO. This is YOUR TIME, yours and the LO's. Nothing else matters than just trying to make it as happy as it is possible. For you and for her/him. If it gets harder, here is the place to bring those fears, so these wonderful ladies could hold your hand and help you through! we are all here for you. To support you!
Much, much love coming your way!
This is the part of infertility that really gets me going. Not only do we have to deal with alllll of the crap just to TRY to get pregnant, then once we are (well not me, but you and "they") are still imprisoned by yet another "silent agreement" by not being able to enjoy a MUCH deserved pregnancy... for this, I am so sad. You deserve to be a mom and don't let your mind think otherwise! I hope and pray that you can find a moment or two, several would be great, where you can enjoy being pregnant and I mean REALLY enjoy this pregnancy. You rock mama!!
ReplyDeleteOh, Kelly, I'm sorry:( I so wish you didn't have this anxiety and could relax into this pregnancy. But even as I type that I realize that - in your shoes - I would likely feel much the same. There's something about being smacked down so many times. Well, it just makes you accept it. It's been the status quo all along, and so a healthy pregnancy...why, it's like a visitation by Martians:(
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, you DESERVE to be here. You really do. I know that it's sill to talk about "deserve". We certainly didn't deserve our losses. But why NOT you?!? I have such big hopes.
I can relate with so much of what you posted. People don't understand how hard it is to let your guard down and allow yourself to feel hopeful. I am not sure when/if that happens. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else said, you deserve to be where you are. Easier said than done, but please try your hardest to enjoy your little one completely, even if it's just for a few minutes each day. Pregnancy goes by so fast and before you know it, you'll have your baby and you'll wish you could go back in time and savor every second (at least that's what I wish). And please stop reading late-term loss stories!
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
I'm right there with you. I'm four weeks away from my due date and I still can't believe it's real. It just seems like too being a dream to come true. There are so many more deserving women. I read the blogs of loss, too. I don't know how to get out of denial. I wish I could. It's not that I haven't enjoyed being pregnant, I just can't believe I'm going to bring a baby home, so I haven't in any way "connected" with the baby like I read other preggos doing.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I still feel like a fraud when I wear maternity clothes. I kept waiting for the "maternity police" to arrest me for impersonating a pregnant woman. I wouldn't let mom buy ANYTHING or go anywhere near a maternity or baby store or department until I got to 6 months. And even t hen, I felt like I was going to jinx it.
I feel the exact same way.
ReplyDeleteI felt that way pretty much my entire pregnancy. I wish I had some profound words of wisdom, but I just had to keep telling myself, one day at a time. I tried to only think about the present, and be thankful that each day that went by was a day longer I was pregnant. And that just as the miscarriages were for some reason, "meant to be;" so was my pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteVery new to blogging, but I just wanted to say how happy I am for your pregnancy. Take the time to be happy! It is wonderful!
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to say that I love your blog! For what it's worth, you were on my list for those blog awards that float around, specifically The Versatile Blogger & I Love This Blog. Your words have definitely helped me through my journey already. Thanks for that!
Good luck enjoying your little bean!
I wish you didn't have all this anxiety and guilt, but I certaintly understand it. I have no idea how I am going to make it through another pregnancy, without feeling like that... One day at a time, I guess. Hang in there! And a red thread? Seriously? Unbelievable!
ReplyDeleteI understand the Survivor's Guilt. I really do. After our relatively easy journey...really, I get to do this? But also knowing THIS IS IT. People say, oh, you don't know that. Umm, yeah, I do.
ReplyDeleteAnd the fear you have has to be so much more than what I had. And I was TERRIFIED. Still am. You have every right to be in denial, to be scared, to worry.
And we will all be here to support you through it! HUGS. Remember to breathe now and then.
Hi
ReplyDeleteMy psychiatrist has been helping me a lot with the idea of 'acceptance', which is shorthand for saying "accept the way you are feeling and the worries you have." They are natural. Denial may be a blunt tool for coping but for some of us it's all we have. So accept you have every reason to feel the way you are and you may never "embrace" this pregnancy the way someone who hasn't lost a baby would. That in itself is a loss. Rather than embracing the idea of this pregnancy you may have to tiptoe up to it and slowly take its hand
Kelly, I'm praying for you today.
ReplyDeleteAnd I was just thinking- if you haven't already, I think you should take a picture of your beautiful growing belly.
I can imagine this must be so hard to just be happy. You've been through so much, it would be impossible to not think the worst.
ReplyDeleteBut please try and enjoy some of this if you can.. even if only for a few moments every day.
You deserve this.
(And no more red sweaters.) (I've banned myself from all red items until further notice.
*hugs*