I've had to take a bit of a step back. I wish that I were able to stay a more active part of the blogging community. I'm having a tough time reading about other's losses and wondering why them and not me? I'm also having a tough time being pregnant and understanding why me and why not others?
Not much is new here, which is great. I'm having a tough time grasping that I'm 19 weeks pregnant. Time has been going so incredibly slowing and so incredibly quickly at the same time. Every time I buy a new batch of clothes I am afraid to even take them out of the bag and jinx things. I've been trying to cover up my bump at school for the last few weeks (but I learned tonight, not so well).
Today was tough. My mom works in the benefits department of a department store. She saw the crib that we want was not only on sale but that she has tons of other discounts to use which drops the price quite a bit. I'm really buying a crib? Really? I told her to go ahead and buy it but it needs to stay at her house (at least, for now). I tried to talk to Mr SC about why I am freaking out and he just doesn't understand. He keeps saying that we have every reason to think everything will work out and all I keep saying is that my body betrayed me four times before.
At my last OB visit (almost two weeks ago) I asked the doctor to check my cervix. She asked all of the cervical incompetence symptom questions and after I replied, "no", to all of them I said that yes, I know that there is no reason to think there is a problem but I'm having trouble because in most cases, there are no symptoms. She smiled, said I was right, and checked my cervix. All was fine. Closed, long and good. My quad screen bloodwork also came back great.
Next up? Our level 2 scan on Tuesday. This Tuesday.
In some moment of insanity, I asked my mother to come with us. Now I'm freaking out about getting bad news and having my mother there. We're very close but I can't stand the thought of finding out there's something terribly wrong with the baby and watching both her and Mr SC be crushed at the same time.
In the meantime, I keep listening to the little lion daily and have now gotten to the point where I regularly hear "thumps" while listening for my ten seconds a day. I also felt her move twice this past week, I think.
Deep breaths....I just hope we get great news in about 40 hours.
Good luck Kelly! It is great idea to have your mum there, I know you are scared but I am sure she will appreciate sharing the experience.
ReplyDeleteGreat to keep the crib at your mum's until you're ready. I know, this is hard. Just do whatever you need to do and update when you can.
Take care
Kelly, I just want to say how much I appreciate reading your story. It gives me hope to read about people who are pregnant after loss--hope that I will get to experience that someday, too. It also helps me to know about the kinds of issues I can expect to encounter when I am pregnant, and think in advance about what my options and choices will be.
ReplyDeleteSo thank you for continuing to share your story. I really hope you get good news on Tuesday!
Kelly,
ReplyDeleteI share all of your fears. Each time I make a purchase I cringe and fear that something will happen. I've also worried about my cervix and numerous other things. And at almost 31 weeks the fears don't get any lighter...I just do my best to take them in stride.
I'm so happy you've hit this milestone and will be following you to the finish line :)
As for survivors guilt, I feel it tremendously. Thus, I don't read as many blogs as I used to. I find that it only adds to my anxiety.
Take care of yourself
xxx
I think everything you are feeling is totally to be expected. You've had it rough, of course it's going to color the way you think about this pregnancy. I hope the ultrasound goes extremely well on Tuesday and you end up so pleased your mother was there to see your sweet little bub. Thinking of you. xx
ReplyDeleteI started feeling my baby girl at 19 weeks, so I bet it's her that you're feeling! I pray that you are able to cherish each little kick and each little thump...and each day of this pregnancy. After multiple losses, I struggled--initially--with believing I would really be able to bring her home. But I did start to believe with each day and week that passed, and I pray that you are able to as well.
ReplyDeleteI think that it's completely understandable (but I miss you even so!). I hate that RPL sucks such joy. I hate that part of it, but the reality is that you are pregnant. And healthy. And loved by many. And prayed for by many. (ok, so as a teacher, has it KILLED you yet that I started so many sentences with 'and'?) I hope as you continue on the path, that the fear and worry will be farther away, as a distant memory, and that it will be filled with joy for the little one that is on thier way!
ReplyDeleteSo happy that things are going great for you Kelly! Hang in there!
ReplyDeletePraying for you to receive only lovely news at your ultrasound xxx
ReplyDeleteI was wondering this morning how you were going - not in a you-must-blog way - just that it would be nice to know, but only when you have the energy or inclination. I know what it's like to feel like you do. I feel so guilty each time I post something and a bloggy friend who isn't pregnant/has a bub comments. I feel bad they've had to read my post - and I feel bad because they're all so supportive and wonderful. I haven't even started looking at cots, so you're doing extremely well to have one picked out and at your mum's place!! I hope you have a wonderful scan on Tuesday.
ReplyDeletei hope all goes well with your ultrasound.
ReplyDeletexxx
Dear Kelly,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all! Congratulations, once again. I know where that slow and fast time warp comes from. I also understand where that guilt comes from.
I want to wish you super good luck for your scan. Ask your mom to order the crib and let her keep it. It sounds like a good idea to me.
Why you and not me? Or why not me and you? Are they easy questions to answer?
In fact, I rather say, All of us! We must. We should.
So many children are born in this world and they are unwanted and labelled as accidents, or taken for granted by the parents. So, for everybody who puts so much thought, who gets the chance to introspect and say yes to wanting children, I just want to say - 'Amen'.
The sun is out for you lady!
I hope lots of good news for you!!!
ReplyDeletethis is the hard part of this community and the survivors guilt of getting out, while others can't seem to get there. I think we all just need to do the best that we can, write and comment when we can and let ourselves off the hook for the rest.
ReplyDeleteGood luck at you scan. So glad to hear that things are going so smoothly for you.
Good luck at the scan!
ReplyDeleteI'd bet anything you are feeling that adorable little lion move, and when you're sure that's what it is I think a lot of your anxiety will diminish. Maybe at the scan, you'll feel it while you watch it! I just feel deep down that you're going to get great news, and then you'll want that crib right next to you. (((hugs)))
Hang in there and remain positive that everything will go well. I know its scary being pregnant after all you have been through. Positive thoughts brought we far and I only hope it can help you through this time.
ReplyDeleteIt must be so hard to remain positive through it all - I wish this was easier for you. I've been thinking of you, and I completely understand why you've taken a step back from the blogging community - probably smart to step away a bit. Good luck at the scan tomorrow!!!
ReplyDeleteHope Tuesday goes well! I totally understand about stepping back from blogging...you have to do what is best for you!
ReplyDeleteWishing you TONS of luck tomorrow, Kelly!
ReplyDeleteIt's a minefield. And it's inevitable that walking through it is difficult. But you are doing great, and I am thinking all kinds of wonderful for Tuesday.
ReplyDeleteI remember SO well feeling exactly the same way you did at this point. Getting past the anatomy scan was so huge to me. I am thinking about you and hoping for fantastic news tomorrow and will be checking in to make sure everything is ok. Positive thoughts, Kelly... positive thoughts...
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your tests! I think it' s a great step you let your mom buy the crib. I can understand not wanting it in your home yet though...
ReplyDeletePraying that your ultrasound goes well, I have to wait another week for my 16 week growth scan( It is going to be a long week). RPL does take a lot of joy out of pregnancy but don't let it take it all. my fingers are crossed for you.
ReplyDeletetake care
I honestly felt everything you are feeling & it's so hard to be both happy & terrified at the same time. you are doing fantastic though! Thinking nothing but wonderful thoughts for your scan tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteI know this has to be hard and I'm sending so many positive thoughts your way for your u/s tomorrow. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteGood luck tomorrow! With everything having gone well so far, I think you have, like, 99% chance of a perfect scan tomorrow. And I'm sure your mom will love seeing her grandchild on the screen!
ReplyDeletePraying that all goes well tomorrow and that you can find peace of mind and heart. (I know it's a hard thing... hang in there)
ReplyDelete