Hitting the Road

Thank you. Thank you to each and every one of you who commented on my blog and who emailed me. After the shitty day I had, I can't tell you how much better it made me feel. Knowing that people understand and that I'm not alone means the world to me.

I'm heading off to the Outer Banks bright and early at 3am tomorrow morning and we won't be back until Friday. Saying that I'm excited doesn't even do how I'm feeling justice (especially after the day I had yesterday!) I've decided not to take my laptop and therefore I won't be able to comment on any blogs (although I'll be reading on my phone). I'll leave you with a picture ofMr SC with Nittany in the water last year.

One last thing before I sign off. If you get a chance (and you aren't already a follower), stop on over at Michelle's blog. She endured years of pain and procedures before getting pregnant. Her baby girl Kaitlin is set to arrive on Tuesday and she's counting down the days! She's an incredible woman and I consider her a real friend, even though we've never met. Good luck, Michelle!

The End of the Road?

I had my follow-up (finally) today with my RE from my miscarriage in May. It had been scheduled last month but I had to reschedule since I went to that week of training.

Because my doctors (regular and RE) are all part of the same medical system, my RE actually had my bloodwork results from last week from my regular doc. Remember that I had been concerned about my cholesterol (I was on meds for it since I was 25, genetically high, stopped meds when TTC)

The good news:

• Um...I really like my RE. She grows her hair for two years and then gets it cut for Locks of Lo.ve.

The bad news:

• She thinks that IVF with PGD is a waste, since studies have shown that the success rates aren't high enough for live births
• She also thinks it's a waste since we aren't sure what my problem is (and PGD would be leaning ot an egg quality issue)
• This IVF idea is different from the doc at SIRM (philosophy about the road to take, if all my tests from She.r come back fine)
• My cholesterol, in my RE's words is "terrible" (which I can't take medication for while TTC)
• She talked to me about my other "options": donor eggs (no), adoption (no), and a surrogate (no)
• She thinks if we're going to keep trying, we do so sooner rather than later due to my age and my cholesterol.

Yep, that's it. My day sucked.

I could have clobbered Mr SC. He went with me because I had an anxiety attack about even going to see her. The last time I was in that office I was miscarrying. However, he didn't go back in the room with me.

He kept getting on my shit to tell him what happened. I told him I'd rather talk to him about it in the car. Well, it's a good 10 minute walk from her office to the car. He was getting frustrated that he didn't know what was going on. I kept saying, I'd rather do this in private. Then, finally, after another question, I just started talking about it, right in the middle of the sidewalk. Donor eggs, blah blah blah. WTF? I let him have it in the car. I was crying and really upset. He kept saying, "what's the big deal...no one was around". I said the big deal is I'm crying, there was a dude in front of us on his phone and I asked to wait to talk about this.

Honestly, if the testing from SIRM doesn't turn up anything, that may be the end of the road for us. Why? Because I'm not comfortable shelling out all that money for IVF when it's questionable if it will even work. And, I'm not ready (or willing) to just try again blindly. Then I'd have no one to blame but myself if I miscarried again.

Maybe there's a reason that everything is working against us...the losses, the scar tissue, the Factor V and MTHFR diagnosis and now, my cholesterol.

I'm the first to admit that I could lose weight. I get that. However, we were at the store getting some things for the beach and Mr SC kept picking up things that he knew I would like and reading labels. He just kept saying, "this doesn't have cholesterol" and "that doesn't have cholesterol". Yes, I know. Finally he said, "what do you eat that has cholesterol?" I keep telling him it's a genetic thing but it's not getting through his head.

So that's that. Maybe there's a reason why I keep feeling like I'm swimming against the current. I'm tired. I'm worn out. I'm exhausted mentally and, just like swimming against the current, after all that work, it's gotten me nowhere.

Perhaps it's time to get out of the water and sit on the shore.

Taking it for Granted: The Ultimate

This month marks two years of TTC. It doesn't seem like two years, with all of the losses that I suffered, but nonetheless, it's been two years.

It seems as though we're surrounded by the assumption of children. If a couple is child free, the automatic reaction (on the part of most) is why? It seems as though it's entirely socially acceptable to ask a couple when they're having children, as if it's not a matter of "if" but "when". The messages are everywhere. One of my favorite shows is House Hun.ters and it always amazes me how couples talk about "when we have children" or "we'll be having children in a few years". One couple even said, "If we don't have children, well, we just have to have children! Otherwise, what's this all for?" (as he gestured to the newly purchased home).

Two years ago, I never thought that I'd be in the position I'd be in now. No, let me rephrase. I never thought I would have had four miscarriages and be no closer to finding the answer to the lingering question, "why"? However, I did go into TTC wondering how long it would take. I was 33 and although I had been on the pill for many years due to irregular periods, I never had a pregnancy scare. I was anticipating things taking a while. I don't know why...I just did. If I only knew. One thing I never talked about (or if I did, it was rarely) was the presumption that "when we have kids" etc, etc. However, I never really allowed myself to think about the possibility that it just would never happen biologically. I knew people here or there who "couldn't have kids" but I never realized just how common IF was.

It makes me want to shake people when I hear their assumptions. What an eye-opener this last two years have been. I've learned lessons about myself, my husband, my marriage and life that I never thought I would. I would certainly have rather never gone through what we've gone through, but I do think the last two years have made me a better person.

At A Standstill

Do you ever feel like the rest of the world keeps moving on and living life and there you are...not moving and stuck?

This has been a long stretch for me to be at home this summer and, well, I'm realizing that fleeing the scene and escaping isn't the most effective coping strategy. It takes much more work to stay at home and deal with things. (Well duh, right?) Since last summer and looking forward to this fall, I have gone (or will be going) on 16 trips. Granted, most of these are only for long weekends, but still. I've had a great time but our finances have taken a significant hit. I keep thinking "you only live one" or "life's too short" but now that I'm taking a step back, I'm not sure if I want to follow those adages. We don't know where we're headed TTC-wise and I feel almost like I'm rebelling against all of the planning and the holding pattern that so many of us encounter with TTC.

Nittany got 4th place this weekend, which was great! It was 100 degrees on Saturday and being outside from 7:30am to 5pm was a bit much. Sunday brought a two hour torrential downpour and a tornado warning. Ugh. I'm looking forward to an easy week before we had on vacation next week!

Our Weekend!

We have our next Dock Dog.s competition this weekend. Have you ever seen Dock Dog.s? Sometimes it's on ESP.N. Dogs compete to see how far they can jump into a pool or a lake after a toy. Here's a pic of Nittany from last year's event where she jumped 19ft 11 inches.

I'm not looking forward to baking outside tomorrow (and Sunday) all day but we're set with a canopy, fans and plenty of cold water. Nittany will be in and out of the water so she'll be ok.

Thank you for your kind words about my friend and also Mr. SC. And, things went well this week at She.r. The saline u/s was no big deal!

Whatever you do this weekend, try and keep cool!

Prayers for a Friend

I'm writing here because I don't know what else to do and I'm just so incredibly upset. I was part of a close group in college. There were about 14 of us who shared classes and often went out for drinks, etc. I recently reconnected with one on FB and we caught up, which was nice. It was interesting though, because the entire time we're talking about our jobs and getting married, I knew there was a gaping hole in my story. I didn't tell her about any of my angels.

She didn't tell me about hers either.

The last few days, her status updates have been about her leaving for a trip to Ireland (which she did yesterday). This morning her update said, "A year ago today I experienced the most powerful love and loss of my life. Our sleeping angel was born... I wish she was alive and healthy and with us."

I am so sad for her. I can't imagine her pain and her exciting trip to Ireland takes on another whole dimension now. She's doing something with her husband that she'll enjoy, as much as she can, without being at home with painful reminders of what happened a year ago.

I struggled for a long time and finally decided to send her a message. I'm not sure if she'll respond but if not, that's ok. I told her how sorry I was and told her that although I know it's not the same, that I've had four losses in just over a year. I offered my ear if she wanted to talk but also said that I respect her privacy.

Can you keep her in your thoughts today?

A Big Ol' Bite in the Ass

This post is about my husband, referred to here (and throughout this blog) affectionately as Mr SC. We have a great relationship, although truth be told, it's been tested quite a bit with our losses. Thankfully we've weathered the storms together and not separately and find ourselves closer than we have been before.

It's tough though for him. Although in my last post I talked about how differently we handle things and process things, that doesn't take away the fact that he's still mourning, too.

You see, my husband is a man's man. No metrosexual here. He looks big and tough (and acts that way often, too) but deep down, is a big softie. He's my teddy bear. I can see him struggle though with what he feels his role "should" be (the strong one, the rock, etc) and how he's feeling (trapped, out of control, helpless).

In addition to trying to help me keep myself together and dealing with our losses, Mr SC has also been dealing with being out of work. He had two separate surgeries from work injuries and also was laid off for over a year. Saying money was tight is an understatement. He was back at his old job for three weeks and got injured, again. Although he doesn't need surgery this time, it's tough for him to not be able to do things and feel like the provider. It's all a big chop to his manhood.

Mr SC has been having stomach problems that have been getting worse and worse. His stomach problems have also caused something else that, um, I'm not going to mention explicitly here since there is an outside chance that he reads this and I don't want him to be mortified. He's in excruciating pain and finally called the doctor. This was a huge step for him; he's been scared that he has cancer (which to Mr SC is always what's wrong with him and his ultimate fear, because it's what he father died from).

Last night Mr SC finally went to the doctor. He asked me to go with him and I'm glad that I did. I knew (well, suspected) what was wrong with him (in addition to the obvious, painful thing). He has IBS. His doctor only knew of his stress with his knee (recent work injury) and his past injuries. He knew nothing about him being out of work or any of our losses. His doctor sure kept saying that it's no wonder that you're under stress with your injury, blah, blah, blah. If his doctor only knew.

I say it bit Mr SC in the ass because I think maybe, just maybe, he will be able to realize that he's a strong man but that doesn't mean that he has to take on the weight of the world on those sexy, broad shoulders of his. That maybe, just maybe, all this keeping stuff in isn't doing him any favors. I knew through all of this that he really wasn't "ok" and that he was going through the motions. I hope that he realizes that now, too.