"Oversharing" Pregnancy Loss and Adding Insult to Injury

Yep. As cliched as this sounds, I've been injured and now I'm insulted.  Honestly, insulted isn't strong enough of a word.  Disgusted and outraged are more appropriate.

If you haven't already read it, there's an article in Macleans about couples "oversharing" pregnancy losses.

Dear Anne Kingston (author of the article),

I'm writing as the author one of the "myriad of miscarriage blogs" that you refer to.  And guess what?  I'm proud of it.    Clearly you have never experienced a loss yourself or your insensitivity and lack of empathy wouldn't have been so obvious in your article.

My husband and I tried to have a child for three years.  While trying to have a child, we experienced four miscarriages in a one and a half year time period.  We sought several medical opinions and I underwent numerous procedures, yet I continued to miscarry.  We found out that we were pregnant again in November 2010 and I gave birth to a healthy baby girl in July of 2011.

We will never know why.  We will never have answers.  Although we are eternally thankful for our baby girl, the never knowing will always haunt us.

I tried therapy.  I tried medication.  I eventually retreated emotionally and pretty much suffered in silence.  People didn't understand.  Sometimes I felt like my husband didn't understand.  What got me through those three years were the "myriad of miscarriage blogs and stillbirth tribute pages" that you referred to.


Why?  The infertility and loss community is like no other.   Online, I was able to connect with people who understood and who didn't minimize my pain.  Sites like www.facesofloss.org allowed women to attach a story and name to their face and connect with others.   Though blogging, I "met" countless other people who shared my experience and "got it".  I finally, finally felt understood.  Had I experienced that type of understanding in real life, coping with the grief would have been much more bearable.


Those who reach out to others when they are grieving aren't going "from stigma and silence to over-sharing as boundaries are tested and even blurred", as you stated in your article.   They are trying to cope and reach out to others for support.   What could the possible harm be in reaching out to others?  

Because of the stigma attached to miscarriage, here I am at the end of my letter to you and I don't know how to sign it.  There's a large part of me that feels it should be anonymous.  Why?  Why should there be  a stigma associated with miscarriage?  Why should I feel ashamed or embarrassed for suffering such painful losses?  I shouldn't, yet I do.  Why?  Because people like you judge those of us who reach out to others for comfort.