So many of you have blogged or posted about your emotional state and how IF has changed you. I really thought that, in all, I had dealt with things fairly well when going through our losses. I knew that I went into self-preservation mode and retreated a bit. I knew that I grieved. I just didn't realize that the last several years of my life are pretty much absent from my memory.
There were a few instances where I thought this could have been the case but I brushed them off. A couple of weeks ago though I was at the last PSU football game of the season (the first one without Joe as coach, which was a strange, strange thing). My friend was commenting about games we had been to previously and was talking about a weekend trip we had made with her husband and Mr SC, too.
I remembered none of it. Absolutely none of it. In all, there were about five different things she had talked about that I easily should have remembered (several of which were significant) but I didn't. The only thing I did remember (quite vividly) happened in the fall, just after we started TTC. Before any of our losses.
The experience really got me thinking and talking to Mr SC about things when I got home. I'm so upset with myself for essentially losing several years of my life completely. What's worse is that I didn't even realize it.
I've spent time this morning reading back through my blog and the entries particularly from my pregnancy with Baby A. I don't want to forget any of it but wow, to read back through it hurts like hell.
I wish more than ever I didn't essentially throw those years of my life away. I should say also that I wasn't drinking or heavily medicated to the point that I shouldn't remember, either.
I had thought that all of this had taught me not to take life for granted. Turns out, by essentially not living through those last few years, that's all I was doing.
This morning, I woke up and thanked god for this miracle, as I do every morning. I'm also thankful that I was given this day, too. A day that, more than ever, I'm going to concentrate on embracing.
Don't beat yourself up for going into survival mode to get throurgh a terrible time in your life, or for blocking out the memories. When things are hard or painful, we block them. I've done the same thing (in different circumstances). I've always seen it as a necessary survival mechanism. But I agree with you, that once you're through something like that, it can be important to find a way to start to remember again. Even though it does really hurt to remember, those memories are important.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of (((Hugs))).
I also wanted to say that just because your survival mechanism was to block the memories doesn't mean you take life for granted. I think it's a sign that you feel things deeply, and in order not to go crazy, you had to not thingk about certain things for a while.
ReplyDeleteWe have one of those Christmas Memory books, and while unpacking decorations this year, I found it and began to flip through it. The sections designated for last three years were blank... I stopped living too.
ReplyDeleteEven my husband says now how happy he is to have "me back". And I hate that I let myself fall away from him. But at least we have the perspective now - and we can move forward and NEVER make the same mistake again.
Hugs.
Hey! I gave you an award on my blog today! :)
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this post a little bit, as I am not a mommy yet. But when I really started to let go the pain of infertility and loss, I mean really let go and embrace adoption... I started to realize how much infertility was messing up my life. I didn't remember things, I looked back at photos and was miserable, and I realized I was surviving and that's about it. Life is more full for me now and I realize I got myself back a lot (changed and scarred but back to me for the most part.) It's shocking at times to look back there. And I can imagine, this will only be even more so when I finally do get to become a mommy.
ReplyDeleteI think it's normal and you did the best you could at the time! But it's great that you are embracing today...
infertility strips you of so many things. if you're lucky enough to "cross over" then, to some degree, you can move forward and put this stuff behind you and essentially yes start living again.
ReplyDeleteinfertility and what it's taken from me will always be with me, it's not something, i think, that will ever not be a factor in my life. i feel less of a woman because of what i cannot do and what i've lost and that's affected my happiness beyond words and my ability to "live". i'm glad to read that you're moving forward and embracing today, for the moment and living it!
~x~
Don't beat yourself over it, I agree with the previous poster. When you're living in survival mode, you lose things. I know that the past few years have been a blur for me. I haven't taken them for granted, I was living them at the moment, but I can't tell you what happened when... it's lost on me, because time had stopped a long time ago. It doesn't mean you don't live in the moment, it just means that the moment is very long, and it's hard to remember such a stretch. At least that's my take on it ;)
ReplyDeleteI think all of us can relate to this in some way - losing ourselves, losing time. It's hard for me to remember anything that happen outside of infertility over these last 3.5 years. Do you know I actually have to refer to my blog sometimes when it comes to other milestones (like when we bought our house or when we moved back to Florida)? All I can spout off from memory is when I got cut open, when IUIs failed, when we decided to adopt, etc. Like others said, you can't beat yourself up over it. It's not that you didn't live these past few years. You just lived a nightmare. Baby A woke you up from it. :)
ReplyDeleteEvery so often, I look back over the last three years and I realize all the things I've missed -- family events, friends I've stopped interacting with, work opportunities that I've slacked on. It went by in a blur. I just remember the bitterness.
ReplyDeleteBut, if you asked me to, I could recount, in order, every single cycle, medicated or not, for 36 months. How many times we tried each month. Which months had short cycles, which were long. Every test, every result. I looked up, and I'm about to turn 37. I was 33 when we started and I feel like I've lost a huge chunk of my 30s. It makes me sad.
I went through this too. We were in survival mode. It's sad that I took zero pictures during our IF years, that we skipped out on vacations and didn't talk to so many friends because I wasn't up to it. It sucks that we skipped out on so much ~ but now we have our little ones and we can make up for lost time and live life to the fullest again. At least we can look back on our blogs for perspective and understanding of what happened.
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) Don't beat yourself up over it!
I also think you shouldn't beat yourself up for it. You dealt with it admirably, Kelly. I don't think it would be possible to deal WELL with it (whatever "well" means"). Maybe forgetting was your natural defense. The important thing is that now - and from here - you can live each day fully.
ReplyDeleteI think you are completely normal to feel this way. I still can't even imagine going through what you went through. And I'm sure it's not unheard of to kind of let those times slip into the dark places of your memory. I'm just so happy that you have A, and I wish you such a wonderful holiday season with her!!
ReplyDelete