When does it ever get any easier?
I hate this about IF. The message is all over the place. The "norm" is to get married and then start having children. Hell, some people don't even consider a married couple a "family" until they have a child. Mix those underlying beliefs in with the fact that IF makes couples feel flawed or broken and there's no escaping it, is there? After all, if you can't get pregnant, there's medication that can help. If that doesn't work, there are always procedures that will work. Each of these steps becomes increasingly difficult (emotionally and financially), yet most dealing with IF still hold onto the hope that the end point will result in a biological child.
Not only are all of these things painful but the relationships it damages (many irreparably so) only increase the pain. Some people will never "get" it (even though maybe you've been able to lean on them all of your life) and the relationship falters. There are insensitive comments from all over, leading many to feel as though they have to don their battle armor even to leave the house and get through the day.
I hate that this hurts so many. I hate that there's nothing that anyone can ever do to truly fix it. Does it ever really get any easier? Does the pain ever go away?
You might scoff at me asking that question, since I'm sitting here nine months pregnant. I get that. The truth is though that I still have wounds that won't heal, too, even though I'm one of "them" now who's so close to being on the "other side".
I just wish that there were a way to have some answers. Perhaps at least knowing "why" would help. For most though, that answer will never come (and that only makes the pain worse).
I so agree with you. i have an 8 month onld, but it doesn't really get easier. i want another desperately, and am terrified of going through the whole process again, the IF part, then the waiting for a healthy baby. most people will never get it!
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't make sense, none of it does. Even with pregnancy, and I imagine, even with a child, it doesn't go away. We are different women now, having gone through infertility, and most people don't understand that. My mother and I had a conversation recently when she suggested that we could try naturally to have baby #2. I kept telling her that I didn't want to try, and instead we would use the frozen embryos we thankfully have, and she was giggling and being silly, thinking I was talking about sex. I tried to explain to her that I wasn't talking about sex, but emotionally it was very difficult what we went through, but she never got it! She ended the conversation with something like, "you just don't want to have sex with your husband!" Seriously???
ReplyDeleteI wish the pain went away for all of us, but it just doesn't. And nobody who hasn't gone through it will ever understand...
I feel it too. Being one of "them" does not take away that pain and heartache. I struggle with it everyday.
ReplyDeleteI can only hope to one day be of "them". After nearly 3 1/2 yrs of trying, of being told that I'm young and have plenty of time, of watching friends have their first, then second, some even their third while we struggle to conceive just once...I don't think the pain will ever disappear. These emotional scars are just as real as the 7-inch open heart surgery scar down the center of my chest. I hope time will eventually ease the pain, but I fear that they are with me for life. Thank you for your poignant words - they really struck a chord with me today, especially since I just got home from having my day 21 blood draw to check for ovulation. www.infertilemyrtleme.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteSuch a thoughtful post. I wonder that too. Heck, hearing someone talk about how easy it was for them, or trying to relate their situation to my current one, hurts me so bad... and they really can't even begin to understand why that might be. It's hard. And it's so hard to see others hurting too, when you know what that's like, and having been there soooo many times (and even still feeling that way too).
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking about this today. We had some "new" friends that we were just starting to get close to a few years ago. We were excited to be friends with them and talked about raising children together as friends, etc. They're younger than we are but were married before we were and the thing I feared the most happened -- they got pregnant about a year into our TTC journey. Since then, I haven't even seen or spoken to the wife. I've avoided situations where she would be. I've avoided the husband (who works across campus from me). It's entirely my fault -- I just can't figure out how to handle it. This morning my DH and I sat with the husband at a campus meeting and it made me spend the entire time feeling sad, regretful and very hurt. Even though we didn't even talk about their son (and of course, I was convinced they were pregnant again (their son is 1 1/2, now)) which made me more upset. I hate the person IF has made me sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being there for me this morning, Kelly.
ReplyDeleteI don't know that this ever gets better. Or easier. Or fairer. I don't think it does. It certainly doesn't seem that way. Which makes me wonder if I'm going to feel like this until the day I die, or the day I hit menopause and no one around me is popping out children anymore.
Only time will tell, I guess.
It doesn't go away. And having a baby doesn't cure it. We want another, and don't know if we can afford it, much less if it will work. So much pain, so much uncertainty. I got a pg announcement yesterday, and even tho I sort of expected it, I was stupid jealous. It all sucks.
ReplyDeleteI think of this often too. I have a hard time relating to fertile pregnant women. It's like I'm on a different plant. I often wonder if it will get easier. At this point I'm not so sure.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree and honestly I hope my scars never fully heal for I'd never want to inflict the pain on others that I've had inflicted on me. I hope to always use what I've been through to offer comfort to others. I agree with Heather too, I have a hard time relating to fertile pregnant women and all the ones who keep asking me if I'm miserable and "don't I just want her out already?" Nope, I've waited 4.5 years to carry a baby to term, I'm not in a rush to end this miracle! Thank you very much! Thank you for posting this.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I updated my blog for you today with pics :)
Hugs, Kelly. Scars are scars. We can't shed them.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's horribly unfair.
I am dropping by for the first time. I am so sorry for your losses. I am glad you are finding some answers and hope that you will soon be pregnant with your very own RLB.
ReplyDelete*Real Live Baby
There's nothing fair about infertility. There's nothing fair about the lasting effects it leaves on you, even if you come out "on the other side" with a baby whether through treatments, adoption or just dumb luck. It still hurts.
ReplyDeleteIt's still hard to listen to my SIL plan her next babies and be completely carefree and blase about it--as if it isn't a big deal. When, to me, it's the biggest deal in the world. I can't just say, "Oh, we'll have another next summer and if it's not a girl, we'll have one more the following fall." (And, yes, that's her plan now). Pregnancy announcements still hurt. Seeing pregnant women makes me jealous. I wish I could make these feelings go away, but I can't. It sucks.
It really doesn't ever go away and that truly sucks. It sucks that the few people in real life that were sympathetic to me during my IF journey won't be supportive and understanding of me post - baby. Because, I've got my baby don't I? It's time to "get over" it.
ReplyDeleteThey don't get that it changes you. You will never be the same person you were before IF.
I don't know. I guess I kind of always hoped the pain would go away if I ever got pregnant. But you are right the relationships lost will always hurt. I feel bad that as we prepare to adopt I'm still angry that I will probably never be pregnant. I am almost annoyed at anyone being happy for me because it is not for the reason I really want them to be. I guess after IF nothing is ever the same again.
ReplyDeleteThat was always one of the hardest parts of IF for me, too - that feeling that we weren't really a family until we had kids. It was subtle, but it was always part of how other family members related to us. It's painful to think back on.
ReplyDelete