I am pregnant. For the fifth time. And I'm scared shitless. That's why I blog about it. To be completely honest, every time I mention it in a post, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I know there are others who think that they would want to trade places with me in a heartbeat. I feel guilty because I don't want my words to upset anyone else. But, sometimes, the fear gets to me and I don't have anywhere else to turn, so I blog.
I'm convinced now that my post yesterday struck a nerve with someone and for that, I'm sorry. I also need that person to know this...
Dear Friend,
I'm sorry I upset you because that certainly wasn't my intention. I also am sorry that I removed you as a friend from FB. This was extremely difficult for me to do, because I have come to care about you a great deal. I did it though because I was concerned about my "worlds colliding" (hopefully you get the Seinfeld reference) on FB. It's not because I'm upset with you or angry or any of that. I just was upset about how this would all play out.
Honestly, with all your history, I totally understand the fear. And I absolutely cannot wait to hear how the scan goes. It really is a fix, isn't it??? Keep breathing, and enjoy the maternity pants :) They ROCK! HUGS
ReplyDeleteThis is the one of the hardest parts. It is really hard for infertiles to be "friends" b/c someone is always getting pregnant. I know this is common theme in this community and I have no good answers.
ReplyDeletehang in there.
Never ever feel guilty about it, your worries should be validated and deserve to be heard! Any one who thinks otherwise isn't thinking solely of you. They of all people should be sympathetic, because someday they'll be in your shoes as well.
ReplyDeleteYou have a right to worry and to not need to explain that to any one! I completely understand your fears. I've had three miscarriages and you bet I'll talk about my worries and fears and I know I'll do that for the longest time too.
I'm sorry that there's now collision between you and someone. I cannot imagine someone not being encouraging and supportive while you're going through this. When does going from infertility to pregnancy mean someone should treat you different?
Never feel guilty. You really do have a right to post here with your worries.
Pregnancy and infertility don't mix well, even when you're pregnant after IF or RPL. Having been on both sides, I know that it's hard on everyone. The guilt can be tremendous.
ReplyDeleteBut please don't let that stop you from using this space to sort out your feelings and emotions. You're scared and anxious and have every right to those feelings. This is your blog and no one is forced to read it. You deserve all of the support and love you get here. (((hugs)))
Pregnancy after multiple losses is very, very difficult. For me, I had to keep writing as honestly as possible to get those feelings and the anxiety out in the only I knew how. I hate that my words or anxiety hurt others that are still trying, but I had to be honest about what i was going through. I kept telling myself that someday someone who had been through what I did and was pregnant again would be able to relate to my words and I needed to put it out there for myself and for them.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel guilty, keep being honest, keep venting. there are so many people who relate to your words. There are those that can't, but I have no doubt that they want the best for you too.
hugs.
We all obviously have the same goals here....I don't understand why anyone would get upset.
ReplyDeleteI think I know who and what you are talking about. I don't consider this "complaining". That is just REDICULOUS.
I have been in many shoes and recurrent pregnancy loss is the WORST emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. Being scared during your pregnancy is totally UNDERSTANDABLE.
People need to get over it.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling guilty this way. This is your space and you have the right to say what you want and most definitely the right to feel what you're feeling. None of us know what others are really going through -- even if you have similar stories.
ReplyDeleteAnd, world's colliding freak me the heck out, too!!
Still sending those positive thugs... ;)
Do NOT feel guilty. Personally, anyone who has been through so much loss, I feel nothing nothing nothing but joy for you. And hope. And a little bit of tension, because after my history I fear loss too, and I don't want that to happen to the people I care about! I must say, sometimes I am not sure how to respond to pregnancy posts, but... I do want you to make them as this blog is for you. I can absolutely understand the fear after all you've been through...
ReplyDeleteI think you have every right to be scared. I hate how our history sucks the joy out of what should be joyous. Hugs friend. Thanks for the post about us, we appreciate it (and side note- you are my first comment that I've made in over a week!)
ReplyDeleteThe fear is completely understandable and this is to be your safe place where you are able to share whatever you're feeling. I also feel the fear...I wish we were able to get an ultrasound every week just to get reassurance that everything is still alright, it's so hard not to start worrying a few days out from each appointment. I completely understand your needing another fix...I'm the same way!
ReplyDeleteAllow yourself to feel what you feel. That is not a magical answer, but just something that is important for us to do. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteTwo things... First, I think it says so much about you that you care enough about this friend to try to reach out and fix what you can.
ReplyDeleteSecond, after my three losses, it was important for me to see other women who had survived RPL and were finally progressing with their pregnancies. They gave me hope that I so desperately needed. I admit that when I first joined this community after my first loss, I wasn't quite ready to be joyful for others. It took me a while to get there; and it was such a turning point when I could be genuinely happy for the women who were conceiving. It was an important part of my healing.
Hang in there!
I get the fear so well. If I ever get pregnant again, I will be waiting each day through on bated breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Blog it out, and hang in there.
ReplyDeleteKelly, we get it. We all get it regardless of which side of the fence we sit on... and of course this is your space to use exactly as you want to. I wish we didn't all know the guilt too but we do. Just because I am not pregnant doesn't mean for me I cant empathise with where you sit right now or feel for you. You are absolutely entitled to all of your feelings. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteYou need to keep blogging about your fear. It is so therapeutic. One of the things that I have really loved about this community is the mutual respect that people have for others. When my pregnancy went downhill, I had to stop following other pregnant people, and not one person was mean about it. Everyone was so kind. Some continued to comment on my posts and some didn't, but they were all so understanding. Then when I had Baby B, I went and started following them again, and I don't think that anyone is annoyed with me for doing that. I think that 99.9 percent of people understand. You do what you have to do. I have felt guilty blogging about Baby B, even though it has been a hard road, but I am still doing it and I really respect those bloggers who can't visit my blog right now.
ReplyDeleteSo, please do what you need to do for you, and if it hurts some of your followers to read your posts, I think that most of them will protect themselves and not read.
Im so happy to see the above peoples posts...I couldnt agree with them more...for everyone who has stood by and supported us through our losses and trying to conceive they should also celebrate with us and help us through the rough times while pregnant...Even when I was on the other side I always supported fellow IF'ers whether pregnant or not....Even though at times I wished I was them I always supported them but I know not everyone can do this and I respect that too...but never not express yourself in fear of hurting others because if they really know you then they will know thats not your intentions at all:) Im so happy you are getting along and making milestones each week:O
ReplyDeleteGuilty? Noooo, don't feel guilty! This is your blog, it is not required reading, if someone can't deal well, they don't have to!
ReplyDeleteCelebrate your pregnancy!! I have had one loss and I was so scared, but next time, I want to embrace every day. Yes, pg blogs can be difficult to read but on days when I am feeling vulnerable I don't read them!
I am thrilled for you! You and your story inspire me :) you are so strong and have such perseverance, thank you for sharing your story, every day of it!
I hear you on both fronts. Hang in there, be scared but be hopeful. Hope shouldn't be underrated. x
ReplyDeleteI draw so much hope from ladies like you! I hope you will keep blogging and feel free to express your feelings!
ReplyDeleteI hate, and I mean hate to admit that I was one of those people that used to say "well at least you [not literally you btw] can get pregnant." Your experiences have opened my eyes, and I see how horrible that statement really is now. I also hate that you have been through what you have been through, and you are always in my thoughts that you never have to go through that kind of pain ever again. I hope the scan goes well, and some of the nervousness can pass as you get to your 2nd trimester. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteAs much as it isn't easy for me to talk to anyone about their pregnancy, and as much as I'm struggling right now, I understand that this is how infertility is - and others should do the same. Those that move forward feel guilty. Those that are left behind feel lonely. The thing is, this is your space. If I'm having a bad day and can't read about pregnancy, I don't. Again, others should do the same.
ReplyDeleteBottom line: If someone doesn't want to be your friend because of what you wrote in your blog, then that person was never really a friend to begin with.
<3
Girl, we are so on the same page. As a matter of fact, I just touched on the same thing yesterday.
ReplyDeleteWishing you a great NT scan. (I just had mine this week, so I can certainly relate to the anxiety.)
As someone who has had recurrent loss, even though I'm not pregnant now I can really understand your fear. I don't think I'll be able to relax EVER when pregnant.
ReplyDeleteThat being said I have a pregnant ex-friend who removed me from her facebook and that HURT a lot :(
Wishing you all the best. I know it's impossible not to be scared, doubtful, skeptical, etc. You're doing everything you can and I'm praying for you!
ReplyDeletePlease don't turn this into a fake blog where you say anything other than what you feel.
ReplyDeleteI am a basketcase some days and I've had one loss. I can't imagine if I had had more.
Please come here and be honest with us for your own sake so you don't hold it all in and for our sake because we want to hear your true voice.
I agree with so many of the previous posters. This is your space. Of course you're having all kinds of emotions being pregnant - who wouldn't with your history? Please keep this blog as a place where you can be honest and share your honest feelings. It's so important - for you and for those of us that read.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very excited for you and this pregnancy. You're meeting all these wonderful milestones, and I have everything crossed that this one - this is it!