By "hurt", I mean emotionally.
So often, people keep things inside. They are being hurt by the words of others and don't say anything to let them know. Whether it be because they don't want to hurt their feelings or they don't like confrontation, they keep how they're hurting bottled up. Sometimes, of course, speaking up won't matter or could make things worse, which is why someone may remain silent. Today, I decided to speak up and I've been feeling horribly ever since.
My mother and I are very close. I really don't think I could have asked for a better one and I know that I'm very fortunate in that regard.
I have a cousin, who is around 30. She and I were close when were were kids but aren't any more. She went one path in life and I went another. She (after having a miscarriage a few years ago) has a six year old little girl.
My mother adores this child. ADORES her. I'm glad that this little girl brings such joy to my life. Really, I am. But, it's become increasingly hard for me. My aunt and my mom always talk about how much Emily is just like me. She talks like I did when I was little. She acts like me. She thinks like me. It's like having a little Kelly all over again.
The talk always kind of rubbed me the wrong way, given our RPL history. It's been worse though since I saw my mom and Emily together about a year ago. All I kept thinking was that I was never going to be able to give my mother a grandchild and this is the best that she'll ever have. To be fair to my mother, she has never once made any kind of grandmother comments to me or made me feel badly. But, seeing her with Emily I just knew. I was always afraid that not having children would leave a void in my life but now it was going to leave a void in my mom's life too.
I can't hear about Emily anymore. Every time I do, whether it be on the phone or in emails, all I can think about is the babies I lost. What would they be like? Would they be like me? Would they look like me? How big would they be now? It makes it even worse that Emily is a girl. I know that I lost four babies, but one I know was a girl. I never, ever will be able to look at anything pink the same again.
So I told my mom this morning. She had written me a lengthy email about Emily and I replied. I replied that I know that she would never do anything to hurt me, but hearing about Emily does. I then explained to her everything that upset me that I wrote about above. Immediately after I hit send, I felt guilty. Why couldn't I suck it up? So, I took away something that makes my mom happy that she was simply trying to share with me. She replied immediately and said she never thought about it that way and she never meant to be so insensitive.
But she wasn't being insensitive. I am just overly sensitive.
So, when something bothers you, do you speak up? Or, do you keep it to yourself?
i think you were right to speak up.
ReplyDeleteand it doesn't really matter whether you're being overly sensitive or not. you have been bereaved *four times* by the loss of your babies. it's entirely understandable that hearing your mum talk like that would hurt you.
she can still talk to other people about your cousin's child. you didn't take it away from her. you are just protecting yourself from something that hurts you badly, and that's actually a good thing for you to do.
it sucks that this is the way it is. but you *have* to protect yourself.
sending hugs. things like this suck and are horribly unfair. xx
That was so brave of you, Kelly. You shouldn't feel guilty for standing up for yourself and speaking your mind. I wish I could do the same...
ReplyDeleteI have the same problem. It is so hard to figure out how to speak up for myself without hurting others, and I am often afraid of how they will judge me. On the other hand, if I hold my pain in, especially with people I am close to, I end up hurting myself, like you said.
ReplyDeleteI think you were right to speak up with your mom. Even if things are uncomfortable between the two of you right now, I hope that since you have such a good relationship, your honesty will help her to understand and support you in the way you need in the longer term. Don't judge yourself to harshly for being sensitive. It is normal to be sensitive after a loss.
P.S. Thanks for you support on my blog. It really helps to know I'm not alone.
I will eventually speak up. I try to let it go the first few times, but after a while, I have to make my feelings known.
ReplyDeleteCan I just say, though, that I think your mom's response is amazing? You did good, girl, by letting her know how this affects you. It sounds like she respects your feelings. I hope you speak with her soon (if you haven't already) and tell her how much you love her, that you didn't mean to hurt HER, but this is where you're at.
I'm very close with my mom as well, and what makes that work is the mutual knowledge and understanding that nothing can tear us apart. (((Hugs)))) Stop beating yourself up, okay?
I think it's a good thing that you spoke up and let your mom know, I don't think you're ruining the relationship for her, but hopefully she'll filter her stories a bit so they don't hurt you.
ReplyDeleteI try to speak up when I think it makes a difference, but it doesn't always go how I want it to.
You shouldn't feel guilty at all. I have a similar situation with my mother. She has two "substitute grandchildren" (and another on the way) that she talks about ALL the time. She has no idea how much it hurts me. How much I feel like she's just pointing out to me what I can't give her. I know she isn't, and she's never called them her substitute grandchildren, that's just my word. But, it makes me feel like crap hearing about them.
ReplyDeleteI can't make myself say anything to her about it but I really wish I could -- I greatly admire you for doing so. You're not taking away her joy, just reminding her to be more sensitive to your pain. You never said she couldn't enjoy the little girl, just not to remind you of her over and over again. I wish I could figure out how to say it to my mom. I'm afraid for the same reason you were -- but I can't take my own advice. Maybe this will help me do so.
I don't speak up, but I often wish I would. My mom talks a lot about my nephew, and on one hand, I like hearing about him, but on the other, it's a reminder of what I can't have. At the same time, though, since he's my nephew, I feel bad saying anything, so I guess I'm going to feel bad either way. I admire you for being honest and telling your mom how you feel...even though it can be complicated, I wish I could be more that way.
ReplyDeleteI try to speak up when I know it will make a difference or if I think the person is actually capable of understanding. My mother-in-law talks non-stop about her daughter's baby (which I accept since he's my nephew) and constantly oohs and ahs about any baby in the vicinity and last time we saw her she was complaining about how she wished someone would have a girl already because of all the cute stuff she sees at Target. Based on my other experiences with her, I know it will do no good to tell her how hurtful her comments are (like I don't also wish that I could have a girl), so I don't. However, I have started speaking up with certain co-workers. I know I could speak up more, but I guess I'm making progress. :)
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you said something to her. I have a similar issue with my parents and my niece. It is so hard to hear it all sometimes. Try to remember that you are not asking her to not have a relationship with Emily, but that you just not hear about it so much. Please go easy on yourself with the guilt. You are trying to take care of yourself in the best way you know how.
ReplyDeletethinking of you....
I think you were right to speak up- she would never know how it hurt you otherwise.
ReplyDeleteI speak up most of the time, but sometimes... with my in-laws especially, I don't. The big thing is when they talk obsessively about their grandchildren when we're over there. It stings, and they don't know it and wouldn't understand. We don't see them that often, otherwise I would definitely bring it up. As it is, I just try to let it slid as best I can.
It's impossible to know what to do, but I think you did the right thing speaking up. You weren't saying your mum's not allowed to enjoy Emily - you were just telling her not to do it in your face. I'm sure your mum understands.
ReplyDeleteRecently, my aunt tagged me in her version of her daughter's birthing story on FB. I wrote back thanking her for sharing but telling her how hard that was for me to read since I want so badly to experience that and don't know if I ever will. I didn't want to make her feel guilty--and what followed was a beautiful dialogue, where she opened up to me about her struggles in love (she's been married and divorced 3 times), and we discussed how that and IF can leave a similar sense if longing, envy, and pain. It made me feel closer to my aunt than ever before, and although I'd been nervous about sharing, I'm so glad I did. My hope is that this will be a similar moment for you and your mom, allowing her to understand more about what you're going through. I think it was right to share your feelings with her. Feeling we are failing our parents in giving them the grandchildren they crave is certainly one of the great losses of infertility.
ReplyDeleteI agree that you did the right thing and I think it's better to be honest, or you may just end up resenting Emily when it's not her fault at all. Doesn't make it easy to say, or to hear, but sometimes, we have to share those things are we will continue to be in pain over it! Sending you love!
ReplyDeleteI think you did the right thing. I'm sure your mom will make an effort to speak less often of her knowing how you feel. If I was inadvertently hurting someone's feelings, I'd definitely want to know.
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
It can be so hard for me to open up but lately I've kind of accepted that I need to, ya know? And it may be selfish but I have to stand up for me and let people know what I need for them. I too think you did the right thing, and I think your mom's response was awesome. ((hugs)) to you.
ReplyDeleteI think it's good that you got it out there. When we keep things locked inside, it causes damage anyway. Damage to our own hearts and damage to our relationships with the people we're trying to protect from our own pain.
ReplyDeleteMy Dad does similar stuff with my cousins' kids and it hurts me so much. But my family doesn't know about our IF, they don't even know we're trying so I don't feel like I can be honest about how all the kiddo talk makes me feel.
I think you'll be better off in the long run.
This is an interesting post because I think so many of us battle these types of situations on a daily basis. Bring something up or remain quiet??? Most of the time I just zip my lips and try to move on. But in doing that I just continue to build up resentment inside of me and feel like I want to explode at some people who are insensitive to our situation. My husband and I have actually been talking lately that we just need to start speaking up more. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here...just kind of more a case by case basis. I think you are very courageous for protecting your emotions and letting your mom know that e-mail updates about Emily are probably not the best idea. Today you may feel guilty but in the long run you may feel as though you can breathe easier. Sending you hugs. :)
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to also tell your mom that it hurts to hear about Emily right NOW. That does not mean it will hurt to hear about her forever. I know that some things that hurt me 2 months after I lost my son, don't hurt as much anymore. And things that hurt me now, 9 months later, I may feel less sensitive about in a year or two. So, no, I don't think it was callous to say something to your mom. But, also let your mom know that maybe, someday, you'll want to hear about Emily again. And, hopefully, someday you will.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you were being overly sensitive. I can see feeling precisely the same thing in your situation. Very probably, you will not always feel this way. But going easy on your feelings - and asking others to go easy on them - is completely fair in my book.
ReplyDeleteI've done the same...and felt guilty too though I knew I didn't need to...It's hard but I think being honest is best.
ReplyDeleteGood for you to talk about it openly. You need to help her to understand you. I am sure she will understand and I think this will move things to the right direction.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't tell your loved ones what hurts, they can't modify their behavior. I think it's great that you shared your feelings, and I am sure your mom is glad to know how to better support you.
ReplyDeleteI really understand this dilemma. It's not an easy choice, but in this case I think you made the right choice because it's something recurrent, which hurts you on a regular basis, because it's someone close who cares enough about you to dig deeper into any issues if she is offended or hurt, and won't just write you off forever.
ReplyDeleteThat's a tough question. With people who are very close to me--like my husband, or my mom or dad--I think I would usually tell them how I'm feeling while acknowledging that I'm probably being overly sensitive. They all know me well enough that they'd be able to help me figure out if I just need to get over it or not. But I'd want them to know what I'm struggling with so they can support me in the struggle, and perhaps be a little more sensitive themselves if necessary.
ReplyDeleteSuch a touchy thing, dealing with situations like that. I think it's important to be honest, without being mean. Which it sounds like you tried to do.
ReplyDeleteDo you think it will get easier if you make it to mommyhood? Which you are going to!!!
HUGS
I'm so proud of you for being honest with your mom. And I'm also proud of her for saying she didn't think of it that was and didn't mean to be insensitive. These are both very open and honest, and I think it's important for you two to maintain your relationship in that way. I hope this will get easier in time for you. But in the meantime, I think it's great to be honest - please don't feel guilty.
ReplyDeleteThis is really hard; I've done both. It depends on my relationship with the person, my mood that day, the situation and circumstances of the conversation....
ReplyDeleteah, it's all so complicated.
Kelly, you're in my thoughts and prayers so often.
love,
ebe
in that situation I would have spoken up too.
ReplyDeleteYou were simply sharing your feelings with your mum and I'm sure that she is grateful to know now, so she can avoid causing you pain. No parent wants to be the cause of their child being upset - so you did the right thing...by her too! She may miss out on telling you about Emily, but you didn't ask her to stop seeing her, or loving her! Just to mention her a little less. I am SURE your mother has no problem with it, and I bet she is grateful to know now.
xxx