But I'm not. I'm terrified. I'm terrified that even though my OB isn't concerned, that my spotting episode from Thursday (and nothing since then) is a sign that my baby died. After all, that's how my other miscarriages started. Spotting. Fine-sih u/s and then at the follow-up, nothing. I brought this up to the OB and she explained that then is much different from now, and how miscarriage is the lowest on the list of reasons I would have been spotting (as opposed to six weeks), but still.
I'm terrified to think that I even "made it" to the 2nd tri because if the baby did die since Thursday, hell, I didn't make it to anything.
I was ok until today. Then something snapped. It's like I think something happened to the baby because I wasn't worried about it. Mr SC keeps talking about things, like we had been before, and I keep saying...don't you want to wait to have this conversation until Friday after my OB appointment?
I feel like I was almost in the "clear" in to my second tri and a dark demon reached over me, cackling, saying...hahahaha...you didn't really think you'd get to take home a baby in July, did you??
This really blows. We have good reason to be afraid because of our experiences, and it will take us a very long time into any pregnancy, if ever, for us to fully relax.
ReplyDeleteIts not fair...nobody should have to go through this and yet, here we are. Just know that there are a lot of people virtually holding your hand through this process. I hope this is IT, that this is your magic, easy, wonderfully uncomplicated pregnancy you deserved from the getgo.
Are you getting a doppler?
I'm sorry you're so scared. I've never "made it" to the 2d trimester so I don't know how I'll feel if I ever do... but I do understand being scared. The difference is that at 12 weeks if you have a doppler you can reassure yourself!
ReplyDeleteHave you considered getting one? I know I definitely will if I ever make it far along enough to hear a heartbeat with one.
OH, my heart just aches for you. Wish I could take the fear away, hoping peace creeps back in sooner versus later.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve a non-stressful pregnancy with all it took to get here!
(Delurking- I've followed along for quite a while but I am terrible at commenting, trying to be better.)
(((hugs)))
ReplyDeletehang in there Kelly!
Sweet baby Jesus, second tri already?! I swear, other people's pregnancies and IVF cycles just fly right on by.Totally different when you're in it, though, I know.
ReplyDeleteSpotting is stressful. It's scary and stressful no matter when it happens, and "we" will never be able to really, truly believe our doctors when they say everything is fine. ((hugs)) I certainly hope the spotting was nothing, and that you have another u/s or at least doppler appt soon.
Just wanted to say hi. After so much loss I can understand where your fear is coming from. I wish that were was some comfort that I can offer, maybe just knowing that we are here cheering you on will give you strength.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be in my thoughts.
-foxy
Sending you hugs, and hoping to continue to read really good reports about your little one.
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way. Heck, I STILL feel that way. I don't think it will go away and I've been told it gets worse after they're born. I hope not. For the longest time I went for an ultrasound every 2 weeks. It's somewhat better now that she's kicking, but that doesn't really cure it. I just try to keep myself distraced, tell myself we've made it this far and that's a great sign and I count down the days until the bday. If you really can't stand it, call the Dr and insist on an ultrasound.
ReplyDeleteI wish it was easier & that we could just plain enjoy things! I wish you didn't have so many bad experiences so that you cannot even conceive of a positive one! Keep telling yourself that this time is way different than the rest, & if it will help you relax, see if you can get in earlier for an ultrasound to calm your nerves. Thinking of you & sending lots of (((HUGS))) your way!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean i'm 10 weeks now and my weeks go from feeling good right after a scan to being a nervous wreck the day before the next scan. Hang in there i'm praying for you and bub.
ReplyDeleteTake care
Didn't they check the hb last week when you had a spotting episode? I would hedge my bet on everything being okay. I would suggest getting a doppler but it might still be too early for that yet. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteMany, many (((hugs))) sweetie. Thinking of you and your little one. I wish there was something that could make this easier.
ReplyDeleteContinuing to pray for you Kelly. I understand your anxiety...I'm 25 weeks and there is not a day that goes by that I don't worry. I'll be this way until he/she is in my arms.
ReplyDeletexxx
it's hard. last time i thought we were well into the second trimester, but the baby had died at 12+1, so we weren't. this time, even though the baby has been fine at scans at 13 and 17 weeks, i still don't really believe that we're 'safely' into the second trimester. it just doesn't seem like something that could really happen, or something to believe in.
ReplyDelete'It's like I think something happened to the baby because I wasn't worried about it.'
Oh god. me too. me too.
No helpful words but keeping you in my thoughts.
ReplyDelete~x~
I wish you didn't have this incident last week - I wish I could take your fear away from you! Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI nominated you for a blog award!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you have not been able to just enjoy this pregnancy. I'm hoping that your appointment goes great. Thinking of you.
ReplyDelete((((((hugs))))))) I'm thinking of you. I believe in your baby. I believe you've just hit a totally scary/sucky bump in the road. Sending you vibes to help you stay as strong and zen as you possibly can. xo
ReplyDeleteI know nothing I can say or anyone to ease your mind. Just because Ive been there & no matter what anyone says {besides dr & that ultrasound}
ReplyDeleteBut, to get you maybe a little comfort; like I said the SAME thing happened to me, & I have a happy healthy almost 10 week old! Hang in there MOMMA! :)
I'm 3 days away from the second tri and keeping faith is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I don't have any advice but I would like to say that i work with OB's all the time, they tend to be more alarmist then anything else so if she thinks everything is fine then everything probably is. I know its easier for me to say that, then for you to feel it, but I think if there was anything to be concerned about she would have absolutely said it.
ReplyDelete(((((((Hugs))))))))) I wish there was a magic wand I could wave to take away your anxiety... but all I have are prayers.
ReplyDeleteIf the stress continues to be so great, maybe call your doc and see about getting in before Friday? Hang in there, sweets.
(((Hugs))) Fingers and toes crossed for a strong heartbeat at your next appointment.
ReplyDeleteI can relate. Once I saw the heartbeat, the hardest part of my pregnancy was between weeks 16-19 when I kept reading "you could feel the baby move at this point"...but I wasn't sure I was feeling her. I finally knew that I felt her the night before the anatomy scan. She made me worry for those full three weeks, then gave me the most glorious kick the night before the scan. It's tough, I know. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteKelly - I so hope you are able to relax and enjoy your pregnanct milestones, but I get why that might be tough. Hugs to you girl, and live in the moment!
ReplyDeleteOh, I know this fear all too well! What helps me calm down is admitting to myself that no, I really don't know for sure if the baby is okay right now, but since the last checkup was fine and I'm not currently bleeding, all signs point to things being okay. Reminding myself that for now, s/he needs me to calm down and enjoy another day with her. Somehow it's easier not to freak out when I frame it as being what Tatoe needs. I hope you can find something to help you calm down too! ((hugs))
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) I am keeping you in my prayers!!
ReplyDeleteI totally know how you feel, and you should know that it's completely normal for those of us who have experienced losses to feel this way. It sucks, but it's just what happens. There hasn't been a day in this pregnancy that I haven't worried about my baby. At almost 38 weeks I still wake up in the middle of the night wondering if my baby is still alive. It's so hard, but just keep trying to trust your body, trust your baby, and trust your doctor. When that negativity creeps in, try your best to overcome it with positive thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHang in there! *hugs*
Oh, honey, I know you won't really relax until that sweet baby is in your arms. It must be impossibly hard, but try to have faith. Hang in there...Friday WILL get here and you know, call them and beg to get it in early if you want!
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
I think it's completely understandable after all you've been through, but I hope you get good news on Friday and are able to hang on to that for a little while. **hugs!**
ReplyDeleteThinking of you! I hope Friday gets here FAST for you, or you can get an earlier appointment!
ReplyDeleteI nominated you for a blog award!
ReplyDeleteHoping that everything is ok. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeletethinking of you hon and wishing these days along for you.
ReplyDeleteKelly, I am thinking of you. I don't know what to tell you about those dark thoughts. That they're a response to repeated trauma? And that they're an absolutely normal response to everything you've been through, and against the fear of getting your hopes up only to have them dashed?
ReplyDeleteBut your doc is right. You are in a VASTLY different place than with your losses. Night and day. But I realize that Friday cannot get here soon enough. Hugs to you.