Still Scared

Last night I had a dream that I was bleeding. It really shook me, but after I woke up I just kept telling myself that it was just that...a dream. The anxiety waned a bit and I went to school. After all, we just saw our little lion on Monday and everything looked great.

Then I went to the bathroom and there it was. Pink. You've got to be shitting me, I thought. So I inspected again. Yep. And it was a little darker. Not bleeding but spotting. I immediately left school.

I called Mr SC at work in a panic and he left right away. I calmed myself down enough that decided to call my OB in the off chance that they could see me today. The nurse was great but she told me that there was a chance the doctor would just tell me to take it easy and see what happens. No, I said. This is how my four miscarriages started before and if your office can't fit me in then I'm going to the ER. She called back and had an appointment for me at 1:30.

The doctor was wonderful. The ultrasound was wonderful. Our little lion was more active than on Monday, kicking her legs and waving her arms. Her heartbeat was good too.

So, there was no reason given why I was spotting. The doctor explained that I'm that far along that a miscarriage now most likely wouldn't start like my miscarriages of six weeks. She also said that she didn't see any reason to be concerned, especially since Monday's in depth scan looked great.

She didn't want me on bedrest because I would drive myself crazy. She wants me to try to keep as busy as possible so I don't drive myself crazy. She gets it, too. She lost twin babies at 20 weeks.

She didn't do an internal exam, which concerns me a bit. What's going on with my cervix? I do have my next regular OB appointment in a week though, so hopefully I don't have any more issues until then.

Thank you for all of your support earlier. It was nice to know that many of you had me in your thoughts. I felt so self-centered asking, but I didn't know what else to do.

If You Pray

please pray for me and my little one. I'm heading to the doctor because I started spotting this morning. I truly don't know how I'll do this if I'm miscarrying again.

The Big Reveal?

This is about pg...

I've been going back and forth with Mr SC about the big reveal since Monday. He wants to tell everyone. I said let's wait until at least the end of this week. Today we talked about waiting until our next OB appointment at 14w5d. I'm not going to "announce" it to my classes, but after Mr SC tells his brother, evil SIL (who I teach with) will know and she'll tell everyone (including students, she's like that).

Anyway...

I'm out in the hall in between classes with a colleague. I'm in the hall every period between classes with this person. I wouldn't necessarily call him a friend but we talk quite a bit. He knows my RPL history.

Today after I made a comment, he gave me this look and said hey, what's up with you?

What do you mean, I asked, as panic sets in.

He then says what's going on?

I said, with what? (As red is creeping up my cheeks and my face gets hot).

And then he asked, "are you pregnant?"

I tried to laugh it off, but my face, ears and neck were so red that it gave it away and he just started laughing at me. When I asked him what gave it away, he said there have been "a bunch of things" over the last couple of weeks. Yikes!

So, am I nuts? I guess Mr SC will be telling everyone in our families this weekend.

What an Amazing Day

The NT Scan went very well. All is measuring great and, although we won't have our specific risk numbers until the b/w comes back (later this week), the doctor didn't see any reason to be concerned.

Our little Nittan.y Lion is measuring 13w 5d (I'm 13w1d) and had a beautiful heartbeat. She kept wiggling and flipping around, which was amazing.

The ultrasound tech then asked if we were going to find out the gender. I blurted out yes. She then asked if we wanted to know what she thought our little one was. She said she's correct 90% of the time.

We said yes.

Then she said mommy, meet your beautiful daughter.

And then I officially lost it.

Why, Hello There

TWELVE WEEKS!!! How are you?

Yep. Twelve weeks pregnant. I still can't believe it. I'm still feeling pretty good. My queasiness returned yesterday. I'm still taking two hour naps daily (after sleeping 8-9 hours at night), I need to do something about my bras which are now all tight and I started wearing maternity pants last week. A little early, but I didn't want to mess with the band.

I'm also starting to think that people have to be looking at me and asking the question...is she just gaining weight or is she pregnant? I just feel like it's so obvious. My stomach just looks, well, fuller. And no, I'm not posting belly pics (at least not yet). I've never had a flat stomach (even when I was a size 2) and starting out as I did, well, I want to give it a bit more time until my bump is evident.

My RE (before she released me) said I could stop my progesterone at 12 weeks, which is today. She said I could stop it sooner but knew it would make me feel better to continue. I'm having major issues with stopping it. I only have eight days left before I need a refill...should I just go every other day until I run out? That will be another almost two weeks.

On Monday, 1/17, we have our NT scan. I'm freaking out a bit about it but I know that's natural. I just hope that all is still going well in there!

Every night when I go to bed and every morning when I wake up, I say thank you. Thank you to whatever made this all possible.

The Need to Say Something

I am pregnant. For the fifth time. And I'm scared shitless. That's why I blog about it. To be completely honest, every time I mention it in a post, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I know there are others who think that they would want to trade places with me in a heartbeat. I feel guilty because I don't want my words to upset anyone else. But, sometimes, the fear gets to me and I don't have anywhere else to turn, so I blog.

I'm convinced now that my post yesterday struck a nerve with someone and for that, I'm sorry. I also need that person to know this...

Dear Friend,

I'm sorry I upset you because that certainly wasn't my intention. I also am sorry that I removed you as a friend from FB. This was extremely difficult for me to do, because I have come to care about you a great deal. I did it though because I was concerned about my "worlds colliding" (hopefully you get the Seinfeld reference) on FB. It's not because I'm upset with you or angry or any of that. I just was upset about how this would all play out.

My Next Fix

I don't know when it's going to be and it's driving me crazy.

My last scan was last Friday when I was 10w5d. My next one will be my NT scan, which I'm still waiting on the doc to call to tell me when it is. (And yes, I did call and ask yesterday but they said they didn't have the paperwork yet).

I've been doing way too much research...chances of pregnancy still being good at this point, potential problems for my 36 year old self, etc. Then I start thinking about my miscarriages...was it really NK cells? They were almost identical... Then I start thinking about if they were caused by poor egg quality. What's to say that this pg the egg wasn't just a little better but still not good (leading to horrible results at my next scan)? My answer is in my head is that with our third loss, the tissue revealed no chromosomal abnormalities and if it were bad eggs, something would have showed up.

The answer? We'll never know.

Seriously. I'm a crazy lady.

To add to things a bit, Sunday MIL brought over a pair of yoga pants that she hemmed for me that I bought over a month ago. When I tried them on, they fit, well...differently. I immediately went to my work pants.

No dice. Now yes, I could have worn them, but I would have been very, very uncomfortable. The rubber band trick didn't help either, since some of my issue was with the zipper, too.

So, off I went to buy maternity pants. I've been wearing them all week and it's been so nice to actually be comfortable at school.

Mr SC has also been on me to know when we're going to tell people. He keeps saying that he feels like it's a secret and that it's a good thing and that it shouldn't be kept quiet. This causes me to panic, too. So, I've told him after the NT scan. Then we can tell everyone.

I guess these next two weeks will really tell us a great deal.