I'm not really sure what made me decide to blog about this. I mean, it's an IF blog and I don't blog that often. I've been struggling with something though and here I find myself.
This summer has been amazing. I'm a teacher so I've been a pseudo-SAHM since June. I have about three weeks left and could cry when I think about going back. The day is pretty routine but I love it. I love teaching A things and watching her smile, laugh and grow.
Mr SC is home, too. I believe I talked about this before, but he did damage to two of his nerves in his arm last July, about two weeks after A was born. He's been off of work this entire time. Although he's been limited physically, he's been able to spend A's first year of her life with her. Priceless!
Yet Mr SC is miserable. He's grumpy and snappy and just yucky. I thought it was due to a health scare that was resolved this morning but apparently that's not it. He has mild pain almost constantly and is limited physically with what he can do but his wife and daughter are home with him. I just don't get what there is to be upset about. Today I said hey...it could be five hours of physical therapy a week (which he hates because he feels like it's a waste) or 40 hours a week of work. He chuckled a little but it didn't help.
So, I pretty much kicked him out of the house. I told him to take one of our change jars (which had a half decent amount of money) and go to the casino to play poker (it's been a long time and he loves to play). He left and I feel shitty.
Truth is, I don't want to do things without A. I've been out with "the girls" once since she's been born and the only other two times were when I couldn't take her with me. I just don't get it.
Now I'm here, with her, and it really hurts. This was all we ever wanted, wasn't it?
I'm sorry things have been rough. Maybe he's just got cabin fever, or he's worried about something else. I understand about you not getting out (I rarely leave the house without V) and DH doesn't want to go anywhere without him either, but he's also away from him all day when he's at work. I hope that he opens up or his time out does him some good. Hopefully he'll talk to you soon. If you're really concerned, maybe you could bring up counseling?
ReplyDeleteUgh, this blows. My husband only has one day off per week, and I always look SO forward to the three of us getting to spend the day together. Then we inevitably get into some stupid fight -mostly because he is exhausted which makes him cranky. So I know it overall doesn't have anything to do with me, it's just that I can only deflect the crankiness for so long before I snap back myself. Maybe A is just frustrated with not being able to work?
ReplyDeleteWhatever the cause, I'm sorry...
Could he be depressed? I know that if I couldn't work because of an injury, it might make me feel depressed, and I'm not a guy with all those macho egos and such. And to have mild pain constantly - that sounds awful. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he's dealing with depression.
ReplyDeleteBut I get the not understanding why Mr SC doesn't want to spend every moment with A. But he's been home with her all year, so he probably wants a break. And with you home this summer, he probably wants a break from both of you. It's hard for me to understand too, but I've recognized that my husband doesn't want to spend all his free time with my Alex. Or me. I don't get it - he goes out weekly with friends, and I rarely do. But my husband is better - he feels more balanced or something - if he has time with his friends, alone, without us. I don't think it's that he doesn't love Alex, or me. I think it's just that we're wired differently.
I hope you can talk to Mr. SC about this. Honestly, I think it's great that you kicked him out and told him to go have fun. I know it's not fun being by yourself, but try to view this as special time with you and A.
Oh, and I DEFINITELY don't think this is a Wife Fail. Just wanted to be very clear on this! You're doing a great job!
ReplyDeleteFirst, hugs that it's been a rough go.
ReplyDeleteIt seems I might be in the minority here but I have to have time out without Hubby or the baby. Its not a reflection on the amount of love or whether this life is what I always wanted (it is), its how I'm wired, as a pp said. My hubby is the same way, though, so we can relate to each other. I realize that makes it sound like nobody's with the baby, but that's not it at all. A couple hours out a couple times a month does wonders.
I would be the most miserable stay at home Mom. My personality is not cut out for it.
So, perhaps Mr SC is feeling a little claustrophobic and cooped up. The impprtant thing is that you two work together so both of your needs are being met. If he needs to get out a couple hours every once in a while and he comes back a happier, more helpful partner, wouldn't that be worth it? Jsut offering food for thought. It sucks when you and your partner are at a time of discord. No way around it.
First off, I'm sorry you guys are struggling with this. It is HARD, for sure.
ReplyDeleteHowever, since your husband has been home full time this past year, I think you need to give him a break on doing things without A. When I was home with Stella full time, I never left her for more than an hour, and at 8wks, it broke my heart to leave her to go back to work. That being said, if I was STILL a SAHM, I think I would be CRAAAAAVING some non-baby time, even though I love her with all my heart.
Let your hubby have some space and some grown up time, and then tell him to kick it into gear and quit being so mopey, b/c you and A deserve to have a happy, present daddy who isn't acting like he doesn't want to be around them.
(PS - I just read Alex's comment above, and I could have written her middle paragraph, except is it ME that loves to go out and get a break - and it does not mean I love my husband and daughter any less, but I love/need that social interaction. We truly are wired differently)
((HUGS)) hang in there!
It is only when I am at work that I and dear daughter are apart. Otherwise we are glued together 24x7. Even at home, my life has been completely taken over by the infant. I have no social life, very little leisure time, and I don't return calls till I am in the office the next day. DH has been able to maintain a better social life than me. He goes to the gym, goes to the office, and has a better chance of picking up his wallet and leaving to house to meet his friends, get grocery, or just get some work done. With me, there is always 'strings attached'. Point is, he would be miserable to give up all that there is in his life, with the baby included. Point is, I know that as a mum, my role would always be more hands-on involved with the girl. He does not love the baby any less. But, camping on each other's space will make everyone more uncomfortable. I crave for some free time - some time where I can go on doing what I want minus looking at the clock, doing something purely for entertainment, or just getting away. But that is not going to happen anytime soon.
ReplyDeleteLet him go. He is not abandoning you. But I think he is missing his guy time a lot. The onus of the baby raising would always be more on you, even if he is there all the time.
If he gets the space, he would be happier around you two too.
Hugs, Kelly. It's interesting...I think so many couples face this. Both partners' lives are profoundly changed by a child, but it does seem that it happens differently for men than for women. Maybe it's biological or evolutionary. I don't know. But that contentment to just be home with a baby...I think men feel it less. I also think that it's tough when you're not working because of a situation beyond your control vs. by choice. I once read that in Scandinavia, where men are required to take some paternity leave, most are jumping to get back to work when it's done (and, if given the option of more time, often decline). (Though, to be clear, I still think Scandinavia has the right idea of maternity/paternity leave:)
ReplyDeleteAnd, yeah, teaching is an incredibly good job to have with a small child. The summers. Ah. Enjoy these weeks.
Perhaps he's depressed? If he's gone from working 40 hours a week to being a stay at home dad with physical issues, it's hard. I know when I wound up with right sided numbness from a spinal fluid leak I was miserable and depressed. If he's used to doing work and getting out of the house, I'm sure that doesn't help him either. Have you guys talked about it? If there's anything he needs to get feeling more like normal?
ReplyDeleteGood earth! Mine isn't grumpy for the same reasons, but grumpy nonetheless. I wish I had words of wisdom, but just want to say that you are certainly not alone! The transition from no kids to having kids is much harder on a marriage than I ever realized. People talk about how IF women fantasize a child to perfection and can often be let down afterwards because it's hard, what they don't tell you is that your kid can be perfection (truth, the imperfections don't bother you much!), while your spouse is a complete nightmare! So sorry! Wish I could give you a big hug and have a glass of wine on a porch somewhere (preferably closer to you since it's 100+ here)!!
ReplyDeleteIt's my opinion that men are wired to believe that unless they go to work and earn a living to support their family, they are not "real" men. They believe that women are the care givers and they are the providers. It's very old fashioned but I think their brains are just built that way. Not all men feel that way but I would believe that a lot do. I think kicking him out of the house for a little while was probably a good thing, not a fail at all. You recognized a problem and took action to try and make things better. I say good for you. I might be in the minority but that's how I see it. Now, if this is something that he starts to do more regularly then you may need to revisit things. For now, enjoy your little angel and soak up all that you can while you are home. I'm jealous that I'm not a teacher. :-)
ReplyDeleteI can see his side of things. Hell, I'm on his side of things. I work full time, but it's mostly overnight shifts. Except for one evening a week, I'm home with Tatoe. Yes, he's all I ever wanted. Yes, I love my kid. But I need adult interaction. I need to be able to have time where I'm not pulling a kicking, screaming, biting toddler away from the stairs. And I bet Mr. SC needs that too. Plus I'd imagine that for him there's an aspect of "I'm not able to work so I need to stay at home with A and not spend money unnecessarily" that adds to his feelings of isolation. You did a good thing by sending him out to go play.
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