Saturday, March 26, 2011
Life Through the Eyes of IF/Blogger No Paragraphs???
Is so different in more ways than just dealing with the pain of struggling to have a baby or losing a baby. I ended up catching the last two episodes of Se.x and the Ci.ty tonight. You know, the ones where Carrie moves to Paris, Samantha is confronting treatment for breast cancer and Miranda and Steve are facing Steve's mother's dementia. And Charlotte and Harry wanting to adopt a child. I didn't get it as I watched this show faithfully seven years ago. Charlotte was married to Trey and they struggled with fertility treatments (the shots, the testing, everything) and finally got to the point where Trey said he was done and Charlotte accepted. And then they got divorced. These last two episodes of the series show Charlotte and Harry meeting with birth parents and learning that they change their minds. Ultimately, they end up adopting a baby girl from China. I was so completely oblivious to the pain in these episodes. I had no idea what it would feel like to deal with RPL. I had no idea how many couples struggle with IF. Why would I? I wasn't at that point in my life (and didn't think I ever would be). As I watched these episodes and didn't even try to hold back the tears, I also cried for the first real time for the IF that they included in the storyline. How many women are in their exact shoes? Over the last two years, I've met many. I realized just how completely different of a woman I am from when those last episodes first aired seven years ago. And, although the pain I've endured was hell, I can honestly say that I'm a better person from all of it. My eyes have been opened. I'm so much more sensitive to others and what they could be going through. After all, how many of us dealing with IF/RPL choose to do so silently? At the end of the day, some good did come out of all of this pain. ***edited to add*** Please don't feel as though this is a "I've found Zen" post now that I'm pg. (I actually think I wrote a post similar to this some time ago). Bitterness, anger and sadness are still emotions that I have come to know rather intimately. However, for me, that's my own stuff to work out. The losses opened my eyes more to others and in that way, I feel it's made me a better person.
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It's so eye opening to re-watch shows with IF storylines. I'm the same as you - never really thought about it or had even a faint concept of what those people were feeling. I watched the movie Up the month before we started TTC... then I rewatched it after a year or TTC, and WOW did I bawl watching that opening montage where they realize that they can't have children. Powerful. It definitely didn't hit me like that the first time.
ReplyDeleteCoincidentally, I'm watching Holly's World right now (yes I know, trash tv) and Josh is looking for his birth Mom. His Adoptive Mom did fertility treatments for 4yrs with no success. I didn't really realize that ART has been around for that long!
I love your new look on your blog!
ReplyDeleteAnd I had a similar experience to Josey with the movie UP. I saw it several months before we began TTC, and just rewatched the opening montage. I can't believe I entirely missed or forgot that part of the movie, until someone brought it to my attention later. It made me bawl, too.
I just watched the whole series and I felt the same way. I couldn't relate when I watched when it first came out. This time it brought me to tears. I feel terrible for all the times I probably was not sensitive to someone going through this. I was probably one of those rude people who said "just relax" or "adopt". I could kick myself for my insensitivity.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more. We have such a different lense on now. Although RPL has been incredibly difficult and challenging, it has, like you said, allowed me to be more sensitive, listen more, and appreciate that there is always more to someone's story.
ReplyDelete"And, although the pain I've endured was hell, I can honestly say that I'm a better person from all of it."
ReplyDeletei'm happy for you, happy that you can type this and mean it. i only wish i could but i can't, i'm not a better person for what i've been through in fact i'm a much more horrible person, jaded, bitter, sad - oh so sad - if i could i'd take myself back to when i was 21 and decide to never try for a family, maybe then, today i'd be living a life with happiness in it.
i have never been able to watch UP without crying, no sobbing. i was pissed @ satc that they went the old clichéd route of knocking charlotte up once her and harry were no longer "focussed on trying" - so so clichéd.
i'm glad you're in the place you are..
~x~
Great post. I've often struck by that when I re-watch things these days, I catch little things I might not have ever caught before... and I cry. Because before I might not have even taken notice of it, and now I can understand it so painfully well. It's so eye opening.
ReplyDeleteVery well said. I don't know how you were before this experience, but the Kelly that I see in your posts is a strong, caring, compassionate, beautiful woman. I pray that I changed for the better through my experiences.
ReplyDeleteI actually forgot all about those episodes and I was a faithful viewer too! It kinda makes me want to go back and rewatch them because I certainly did not get it then. I think, like all bad times in life, we get to learn a little more about ourselves and our strengths!
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I agree with you! Seven years ago I had just met my husband and wasn't thinking kids at all, but I remember crying at her pain and never thinking that could be me!! I agree with stink-bomb that it infuriates me when shows take the easy closing route, I think things should be approached realistically.
ReplyDeleteI do know that this road has made me better person, way more considerate and caring and curious as to the roads that others walk down!!
Love the new blog look, very happy and upbeat!!! :)
I definatley agree with you, I recently re read liane Moriarty's book 'What Alice Forgot' the first time i read it i mainly followed the main characters story, but this time it was the sisters story through RPL that resonated deeply with me and that book now has many tear stained pages. please don't go read it if you are fragile, its a fiction and like all good fiction works has a happy ending, but a very bumpy ride.
ReplyDeletethis RPL jourmey has definatly made me a more understanding person and i am thankful for this,( although i'd still give anything to turn back time and have my angel's here)
take care and love the new look :)
I recently watched SATC again and when they got to the IF storyline I remembered thinking OMG, how did I miss this all those years ago. Funny how experience colors perspective.
ReplyDeleteI just caught these episodes again recently and bawled too. I agree with you - the first time I saw those episodes I had no idea. They look totally different through this lens. Same upon re-reading A Thousand Splendid Suns. I actually *forgot* her (spoiler alert) multiple miscarriages after the first time I read the book, just remembered that she wasn't able to have kids. Now, I'd never in a million years forget that, and I cried each time. And I'm not a crier.
ReplyDeleteAlso, just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you can't still relate to all the IF shit, and it doesn't mean you can't post blog posts about it still. It's refreshing, really. I kind of hate it when some of the IF/loss blogs I follow resort to nothing but those weekly surveys as their sole blog content during pregnancy. Bo-ring.
Flipped on the TV this morning and guess what was on? SATC, the episode where Charlotte has the miscarriage. In my memory I liked that this episode showed just how totally devastating this was to her, and overall in retrospect really appreciated the show addressing IF, even if I didn't originally.
ReplyDeleteBut a couple things bothered me when re-watching - one, when she announces the pregnancy to the girls at brunch she says it's early, only 3 weeks - huh? i used to test crazy early and 3w seems to push reality a bit. And then when Carrie comes over, Harry answers the door with "It just went away" and shrugs his shoulders. Wha? Like a houdini act or something. Poof! I guess I just think Harry is kind of douche-y now anyway after seeing that actor in Californication where he plays a total pig.
And I agree with stink-bomb when they caved to the cliche of pregnant after adopting - only adds fuel to the "just relax, dummy, and it will happen for YOU!"
Okay, sorry, didn't mean to hog your page :) I'm glad to still have you batting for the IF team, even if from the other side. thank you :)
What a lovely post. Experience makes us into the people we are, and all the hell that we've been through changes us, hopefully for the better. I like hearing how you can identify loss as something that caused you to grow in a good way!
ReplyDeleteIt was totally the movie UP that did it to me. Just broke me heart all over again!
ReplyDeleteLove your new blog background!
It's amazing what perspective can do. Things I might not particularly have noticed before now jump out at me with cymbals clanging. I also agree with the previous poster. "Up" completely did me in.
ReplyDelete