Hurt the Ones Your Love...Or Hurt Yourself?

By "hurt", I mean emotionally.

So often, people keep things inside. They are being hurt by the words of others and don't say anything to let them know. Whether it be because they don't want to hurt their feelings or they don't like confrontation, they keep how they're hurting bottled up. Sometimes, of course, speaking up won't matter or could make things worse, which is why someone may remain silent. Today, I decided to speak up and I've been feeling horribly ever since.

My mother and I are very close. I really don't think I could have asked for a better one and I know that I'm very fortunate in that regard.

I have a cousin, who is around 30. She and I were close when were were kids but aren't any more. She went one path in life and I went another. She (after having a miscarriage a few years ago) has a six year old little girl.

My mother adores this child. ADORES her. I'm glad that this little girl brings such joy to my life. Really, I am. But, it's become increasingly hard for me. My aunt and my mom always talk about how much Emily is just like me. She talks like I did when I was little. She acts like me. She thinks like me. It's like having a little Kelly all over again.

The talk always kind of rubbed me the wrong way, given our RPL history. It's been worse though since I saw my mom and Emily together about a year ago. All I kept thinking was that I was never going to be able to give my mother a grandchild and this is the best that she'll ever have. To be fair to my mother, she has never once made any kind of grandmother comments to me or made me feel badly. But, seeing her with Emily I just knew. I was always afraid that not having children would leave a void in my life but now it was going to leave a void in my mom's life too.

I can't hear about Emily anymore. Every time I do, whether it be on the phone or in emails, all I can think about is the babies I lost. What would they be like? Would they be like me? Would they look like me? How big would they be now? It makes it even worse that Emily is a girl. I know that I lost four babies, but one I know was a girl. I never, ever will be able to look at anything pink the same again.

So I told my mom this morning. She had written me a lengthy email about Emily and I replied. I replied that I know that she would never do anything to hurt me, but hearing about Emily does. I then explained to her everything that upset me that I wrote about above. Immediately after I hit send, I felt guilty. Why couldn't I suck it up? So, I took away something that makes my mom happy that she was simply trying to share with me. She replied immediately and said she never thought about it that way and she never meant to be so insensitive.

But she wasn't being insensitive. I am just overly sensitive.

So, when something bothers you, do you speak up? Or, do you keep it to yourself?

Calling All Teachers!

I know you're out there but I can't remember who all of you are!

What do you teach? How long have you been teaching? What do you love about it/hate about it?

I've been teaching HS social studies (currently 9th and 12th grade) for 13 years. 95% of the time, I love it. I love that it's something different every day and that I'm always learning something new. I also really enjoy (ok, well, most of the time) working with the kids. The only thing that's truly difficult are factors that are beyond my control that can interfere with my job (but that's true with anything).

OB Appointment

I just wanted to update everyone:

1. All is still going well. We got our doppler on Wednesday and we LOVE it! Every day that we've checked we've picked up the heartbeat at a different spot. I know that the little lion is moving around in there but I guess I didn't realize just how much.

2. Our OB appointment was uneventful yesterday, which is great. They didn't do an u/s and I didn't ask for one. I decided to just take deep breaths and try and relax. I haven't had any more spotting and the doctor checked out everything on the u/s that day so we just got to listen to the hb yesterday like any other "normal" pregnant woman. Weird, huh?

3. Our next OB appointment is in a month and then they'll schedule the 20 week scan. We're excited but one day at a time.

4. We're spilling the beans tomorrow. When we tell two of Mr SC's family members (which is tomorrow), the world is going to know. That will make things a bit easier and I can stop trying to hide things in clothing when I go to school. I haven't been doing such a great job of that, anyway.

We're both very excited but it's just so weird the emotions that I'm feeling. I feel like right now, this is our little secret to protect and keep safe from the world. I'm also nervous about dealing with people who don't have any idea about our history and will just expect me to be one of "those" pregnant women.

Blog Award!

I've been nominated for a blog award! Thanks to Adventures in Babymaking, Infertility Diaries and Invisible Mother! Hop on over and check out these fantastic ladies!

The rules for accepting this award are:
1. Thank and link back to the person who nominated you
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Award 15 other bloggers and let them know about their award!
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Seven things:
1. One of my dogs, Nitta.ny, is a Dock Do.g. She competes in about five events per season and her best jump is 19'11". I tried jumping her in a competition once (and for my first time, was only losing to Mr SC by an inch) but I'm so terrified of falling off the dock and into the pool that I just can't do it!

2. About a year ago, I became an e-reader believer! I love to read and had the same concerns as everyone else (not feeling like a book, not smelling like a book, etc) but I LOVE my noo.k!

3. I'm coming up on my four year anniversary of when I met Mr. SC. That's a lame ass nickname for Mr Sweet Cheeks. :)

4. I sing all the time. In the car, to my dogs, in the shower...you name it, I'm singing but I have yet to sing in from of Mr SC.

5. I'm an only child (although I have a few stepbrothers and a stepsister that I'm not close to at all...marriages occurred when I was an adult)

6. I collect antique globes.

7. My favorite flower is the hibiscus. I remember being in Tar.get in Florida a few years back and being so excited to see them all over the garden section. I brought one inside last summer in a pot and although I'm trying to keep it alive indoors, it's just not doing so hot.
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My nominees:
1. Jess at A Little Blog About the Big Infertility
2. Alex at Alex's Adventures
3. Marla at Marla's Chronicles
4. Manapan at Manapan's Space
5. Erika at Pollination Chronicles
6. Kristi at Our Miracle in the Making
7. Adele at Delinquent Eggs
8. Secret Sloper (how on earth don't I know your first name?)
9. Katie at From If to When
10. Michelle at No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat
11. Wifey at Semi-Fertile
12. Jenn at Got Love, Been Married...
13. B at Non Geordie Mum
14. Lady at Tales of My Follies
15. Mai at Salvageable

Relief!!!

Last night I was awake from nearly 3am on. I only sleep in two hour increments and am used to it but when I woke up, my mind started racing and it wouldn't stop. All the things that I put in my post yesterday were swimming in my head.

I decided to stay home from school and got in to my OB. They offer to have you come in and see a nurse and listen to the fetal heart beat, and so I did.

There it was...beating away. It was pretty cool because you could hear my heartbeat (slower and louder) and my little one's behind it, faster and softer. The nurse was so sweet and so kind I could have hugged her. So yes, this pregnancy isn't like the other ones. After spotting, a follow-up showed that all is ok!

So, I'm doing my best and focusing on now. Damn it, I'm going to enjoy this pregnancy! I'm can happily (and not reluctantly) say that I'm officially in the 2nd trimester!

We've also changed our minds and are getting a doppler. :)

Thank you for all of your support and also, thank you to Hope and Browniris for nominating me for a blog award! I'm going to post it tomorrow!

2nd Tri: And I Should Be Happy

But I'm not. I'm terrified. I'm terrified that even though my OB isn't concerned, that my spotting episode from Thursday (and nothing since then) is a sign that my baby died. After all, that's how my other miscarriages started. Spotting. Fine-sih u/s and then at the follow-up, nothing. I brought this up to the OB and she explained that then is much different from now, and how miscarriage is the lowest on the list of reasons I would have been spotting (as opposed to six weeks), but still.

I'm terrified to think that I even "made it" to the 2nd tri because if the baby did die since Thursday, hell, I didn't make it to anything.

I was ok until today. Then something snapped. It's like I think something happened to the baby because I wasn't worried about it. Mr SC keeps talking about things, like we had been before, and I keep saying...don't you want to wait to have this conversation until Friday after my OB appointment?

I feel like I was almost in the "clear" in to my second tri and a dark demon reached over me, cackling, saying...hahahaha...you didn't really think you'd get to take home a baby in July, did you??

Still Scared

Last night I had a dream that I was bleeding. It really shook me, but after I woke up I just kept telling myself that it was just that...a dream. The anxiety waned a bit and I went to school. After all, we just saw our little lion on Monday and everything looked great.

Then I went to the bathroom and there it was. Pink. You've got to be shitting me, I thought. So I inspected again. Yep. And it was a little darker. Not bleeding but spotting. I immediately left school.

I called Mr SC at work in a panic and he left right away. I calmed myself down enough that decided to call my OB in the off chance that they could see me today. The nurse was great but she told me that there was a chance the doctor would just tell me to take it easy and see what happens. No, I said. This is how my four miscarriages started before and if your office can't fit me in then I'm going to the ER. She called back and had an appointment for me at 1:30.

The doctor was wonderful. The ultrasound was wonderful. Our little lion was more active than on Monday, kicking her legs and waving her arms. Her heartbeat was good too.

So, there was no reason given why I was spotting. The doctor explained that I'm that far along that a miscarriage now most likely wouldn't start like my miscarriages of six weeks. She also said that she didn't see any reason to be concerned, especially since Monday's in depth scan looked great.

She didn't want me on bedrest because I would drive myself crazy. She wants me to try to keep as busy as possible so I don't drive myself crazy. She gets it, too. She lost twin babies at 20 weeks.

She didn't do an internal exam, which concerns me a bit. What's going on with my cervix? I do have my next regular OB appointment in a week though, so hopefully I don't have any more issues until then.

Thank you for all of your support earlier. It was nice to know that many of you had me in your thoughts. I felt so self-centered asking, but I didn't know what else to do.