Pay it Forward

To this day, I don't know how I would have survived my pregnancy without my doppler.  Starting at about 12 weeks, I started to listen to Baby A's heartbeat daily, until well into the 2nd trimester (when I felt her move daily).  Although there were a couple of times her hb was a little difficult to find, it was always there.  

I want to help someone feel better, the way I did, if possible.

So, I'm giving away my doppler, along with three large tubes of u/s gel to go with it.  Why I felt the need to buy three tubes?  I don't know.  Told ya I listened a lot.  :)

I believe it was about $90 total for everything when I bought it.

What would I like in return?

1.  For you to pay the shipping costs.

2.  For you to give it to someone else when you no longer feel the need to use it.

Please email me at pennstatekelly at gmail dot com

Living Life to Forget

So many of you have blogged or posted about your emotional state and how IF has changed you.  I really thought that, in all, I had dealt with things fairly well when going through our losses.  I knew that I went into self-preservation mode and retreated a bit.  I knew that I grieved.  I just didn't realize that the last several years of my life are pretty much absent from my memory.

There were a few instances where I thought this could have been the case but I brushed them off.  A couple of weeks ago though I was at the last PSU football game of the season (the first one without Joe as coach, which was a strange, strange thing).  My friend was commenting about games we had been to previously and was talking about a weekend trip we had made with her husband and Mr SC, too.

I remembered none of it.  Absolutely none of it.  In all, there were about five different things she had talked about that I easily should have remembered (several of which were significant) but I didn't.  The only thing I did remember (quite vividly) happened in the fall, just after we started TTC.  Before any of our losses.

The experience really got me thinking and talking to Mr SC about things when I got home.  I'm so upset with myself for essentially losing several years of my life completely.  What's worse is that I didn't even realize it.

I've spent time this morning reading back through my blog and the entries particularly from my pregnancy with Baby A.  I don't want to forget any of it but wow, to read back through it hurts like hell.

I wish more than ever I didn't essentially throw those years of  my life away.  I should say also that I wasn't drinking or heavily medicated to the point that I shouldn't remember, either.

I had thought that all of this had taught me not to take life for granted.  Turns out, by essentially not living through those last few years, that's all I was doing.

This morning, I woke up and thanked god for this miracle, as I do every morning.  I'm also thankful that I was given this day, too.  A day that, more than ever, I'm going to concentrate on embracing.

Angels and a Babe

This year, as we have done the last four years, Mr SC and I went to pick out our Christmas tree on Black Friday.  The last two years, we have spent Thanksgiving away, just the two of us.  The holiday falls on our EDD from our first loss and, well, we decided we wanted to devote that time to healing ourselves and our hearts.

This year, it was a truly emotional day.  Not only did we cook for my parents, but we got to spend our first Thanksgiving with our rainbow baby.  I got all choked up at dinner and was completely overcome with emotion.

As we decorated our tree, we hung our angel ornament that we bought two years ago, which was our way of including our lost babies in our holiday.  This year, we hung Alaina's first ornament, right next to the angel.

the ornament for our angels

Please ignore the bizarre things the sun/shadows did to my face!

                                      I don't have a fat lip! :)

My Little One

I wanted to share a couple of pics of Baby A from Halloween (which, here on the east coast, including a record snowstorm, complete with power losses for a week plus in some areas!)

Update

Hi, everyone.

After my mini-meltdown (er, post) from a few days ago, I wanted to say thank you.  I felt really shitty blogging about that in the first place and I was scared that I would anger people.  I was genuinely touched by the outpouring of support and understanding that I received.

I talked to Mr SC.  He admitted he was an ass.

Baby A is doing better.  We saw her ped and we started her on reflux medicine.  We aren't sure if it was reflux or a growth spurt or the start of teething, but she's much, much better.

Finally, I felt a huge sense of relief getting all of that off my chest.  I'm not sure if I think I have PPD but I did start Lex.apro again.  Plus, my first postpartum AF arrived the next day, which I'm sure didn't help matters any.

Again, thank you all so much.

Something Just Isn't Right Here

Being a mom to a three month old baby has changed me, both physically and emotionally.

If I'm being honest though, dealing with IF/RPL has changed me more.   

That may seem strange to say but to me, it's perfectly logical.  I love my daughter.  It's tough, sure.  Mr SC and I can be a little more short with each other these days, true.  However, it's all so natural.   There are tough moments and days (see my pp) but you get through it and learn that tomorrow is another day.  There may be crying, and vomit and shitty diapers, but there are also smiles and giggles and cuddles.

IF/RPL is like being stuck in hell.   Or being falsely imprisoned.  You're there through no fault of your own and your sentence is completely unfair and downright cruel.  You protest.  You fight.  You kick and scream.  All to no avail.

Even though I'm a mom now, I still think of each of you and IF every day.  I'm still pissed off.  Last night, I found out that my drug addict cousin, who just is fresh out of rehab (and using again), got his current girlfriend pregnant.  That's oops baby number three.  Today, at the pediatrician, there was a mom with a newborn in her stroller.  As everyone else was ooohing and ahhing over the baby, I zeroed in on something else.

She had a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in the cupholder of the stroller.  And yes, she was alone.  They belonged to her.

I wanted to scream at that the woman.  I thought about "The Truth About Trying".  I thought about what so many of you are still going through.  I thought about what I went through the last three years.  I wanted her to get it.  To understand.  To realize how dumb she was.

Isn't it disgusting how people take the most precious things in life for granted?

The Post I'm Afraid to Write

"I Can't Handle It"

In our four and a half years together, I've never heard anything close to that come out of my husband's mouth.   We've been through flooding in our house, flooding in our garage, a fire, eight surgeries between the two of us and four miscarriages.  Today is the day I heard those words.

I didn't complain once when I was pregnant.  Not from the shots.  Or the insomnia that lasted throughout the entire pregnancy.  Or the intense back pain.  Or the gestational diabetes.

I gotta say though...I hate myself right now.

I feel like a failure.  As a wife.  As a mother.  As a person.  Pretty much in every aspect of my life.

Tensions are high in the house right now.  It's pretty much par for the course with an infant.  I get that.  What makes me a horrible mother though?   Other than the fact that I can't bfeed anymore (which I'm having a hard time with),  I can't take it when Baby A cries.

I know, I know...you're probably all rolling your eyes right now.

I'm her mother.  I should be able to soothe her.  Sometimes, lately, I can try all of the 75 different things that are in my bag of tricks and none of them work.  It's to the point over the last couple of weeks that I'm afraid to leave the house.  She's not a car baby and ends up screaming herself to sleep.  It's just awful.  So, why leave the house?  I can take her for walks in the neighborhood and that's pretty much all I've been doing.  I have plans this weekend with a friend and it's a 45 minute drive.  I am terrified that all she'll do is cry in the car and there's nothing I'll be able to do to help her.

Today we ventured to the nearest city (30 minutes and pretty much our only option) to go shopping for a few things.  She just kept crying and crying and crying.  I ended up in the back seat with her, trying to calm her.  Nothing was working.   Feeling so overwhelmed, I started sobbing myself.  That's when my husband said it.  When I asked him for clarification, he said that her crying and me crying just drives him over the edge and he can't handle it.  Insert reason #57 why I suck as a wife.

I feel like a shitty ass person even posting this here, but I'm not sure where else to turn.  Baby A is what we wanted for so long.  So incredibly long.  I feel so disgusted with myself that I get so upset about things but I do and I'm not sure what to do about it.

An Ending and a Question

Each day that goes by brings something new these days with our little Nitt.any Lion and, just when we think we have it figured out, it changes.  :)   One thing that hasn't changed is A's sleeping through the night.  She sleeps about eight hours a night!

I headed to the doctor this week for a physical and to talk about cholesterol.  I've had a history of high cholesterol and had been on medication for it since I was 25.  It's genetic and, even when I was working out six days a week and eating no meat and almost no cholesterol, it was still super high.  Anyway, TTC ended the meds three years ago.  Now, I've learned that it's back up there.  No doubt that the gestational diabetes added to it, too.  Mr SC and I talked about it and decided I should go back on meds, now.  This means no more breastfeeding.  I've been breast and bottle-feeding because I never quite produced enough (even with trying a variety of different things) but I'm still pretty upset about it.  I had wanted to continue until she was five months old.  It's important for Baby A to have her mother alive and healthy though, so it's what I have to do.

Something else I've been kicking around is whether or not to make the blog private.  I didn't really want to go private but, for those of you who are interested, I did want to share pics of Baby A.   I decided not to go private for the time being and, for those of you who want to keep up with things, we could be friends on FB.  I know that's a worlds colliding thing and all that, but honestly, there are several of you who I think of often and would love to keep better connected.   You'll have to send me an email though because you can't find me on FB from an email search.

Finally, hubs and I were asked to be interviewed for an article about infertility in a central Pennsylvania parent's magazine.  I really want to do it but I'm hesitant to have my name attached to the article.  I'm a teacher and I'm always fearful of parents and kids knowing too much about my personal life.  I'm wondering though if an interview from someone who wishes to remain anonymous just reinforces the isolation and stigma of IF.  Thoughts?

I Never Thought...

That I'd be the Woman Who:

• would finally figure out what love was all about and what marriage was supposed to be at 33
• would want a child so desperately
• suffered through four miscarriages, with no apparent answers or reasons for any of them
• would be lucky enough to have a beautiful rainbow baby
• loves to live in the country, in a small town without a traffic signal
• stopped following the news religiously
• would develop a love for gardening (although you can't much tell this year)
• would lose friends because I had a baby (and not IRL friends but friends from the IF community)

What Good's Another?

For those of you who've been following my blog for a while, you know that MIL lives next door.  It's not right next door, as there's land between us, but nonetheless, it's still next door.  Up until recently, she's been the best MIL.  Love, love, love her.

Until Baby A was born.

Immediately after A's birth, she did some bizarre stuff that really, really stung.  She decided, the day after A was born, to keep her plans and go to the family camp for the long holiday weekend (4th of July).  Most of the family went, too (fine, fewer visitors at hospital), but MIL was always the one who was going to take care of our dogs after the baby was born while we were in the hospital.  That meant that Mr SC had to drive home in the morning and a night again to take care of the dogs (leaving us at the hospital) until we found a friend who could help.  The hospital was 50 minutes away...so it wasn't easy.  

When she comes over to the house, she just sits and stares at the baby.  Stares.  Doesn't offer to help.  Doesn't bring dinner.  Just stares.  I'm sorry, but we don't have time to sit around and chit chat/visit so you can just stare at the baby.  

The garden we have is supposed to be a collaborative effort.  Weeding, picking, etc. is shared by us.  She's stepped foot in the garden one time this year.  Once.  I've come to learn that many, many newborns must be held almost 24-7 or they cry.  Baby A is getting better (we can put her down when she's sleeping during the day now) but, especially in the beginning, it was tough to deal with the garden (58 tomato plants, green beans, snap peas, peppers) and keep up with it.  She's not interested at all in the garden this year.  It's been tough for Mr SC and I'm not much help because of the baby.

This post has turned into a bitch.y one, and that's not really what I intended.  I just am at a loss here.  She's been so incredibly bizarre and what I've posted is  just a bit of what's going on.  She recently shared that she was so sick with worry during the pregnancy and I'm wondering if that has something to do with it.  

Or, my ultimate fear?  This is her 11th grandchild.  I fear that, to her, Baby A is just a dime a dozen where grandbabies are concerned.  Then, there's my mother, who lives an hour and a half away and would kill for the chance to see her grandchild on a daily basis.  I'm the only child and this is her only grandchild.

Looking back, I'm not sure why I wrote this post.  Perhaps for insight?  To get it off my chest?  I'm not sure.  Anyway, if you've read the post this far, thanks.  :)

A New Chapter

Today is an odd day for me.  It's the first day of school and, for the first time in fourteen years, I'm not there.  I thought perhaps it would be difficult but I can honestly say it's not.  That just makes me more concerned for what it will be like to leave Baby A when I do return to work.

So, what's been going on these days?

Baby A is 8 1/2 weeks old.  She's turning more and more into an infant and not a newborn.  She's incredibly strong physically and extremely strong-willed mentally.  We have a running debate if she's stubborn like her daddy or mommy.  :)  She's smiling regularly and making tons of sounds, too.

We've had two overnights!   She spent the night with us at Grammy and Pop-Pop's (my parents) and also overnight at camp.  Both trips went very well!

She's sleeping longer.  The last four nights she's slept at least seven hours straight!

Mr SC has been home with us for a month now.  He hurt his elbow at work before the baby was born and reaggravated it when he returned.  I hate that he's in pain but him being home couldn't have happened at a better time.  We take turns being "on duty" with her and it's really been working out well.

The last few days, we've been able to put her down when she's napping.  Before that, you pretty much had to hold her all the time or she screamed.  I love holding my daughter more than anything, but it's tough to have to hold her 24 hours a day.  She loves her swing now, too.  

A friend of the family is going to watch her when I return to work in December.  She watches children from time to time for friends and Baby A will be the only one with her.  She lives about two minutes from our house and it's about 10 minutes from work for both of us. There is no way financially that we can afford for me to stay home longer but I know when the time comes, knowing Baby A will be with her will make it a little easier.

For those of you who are still reading, I thought I'd leave you with some of my favorite pics.  :)

Support...

My heart is breaking for a fellow blogger.   If you could, stop on by Jo's blog at
 http://jo-mojoworking.blogspot.com/.  She just found out that she had a chemical pregnancy after IVF.  It is her fourth loss.

She's been an incredible source of support to me and so many of us...I'm hoping that in some small way, this helps.

Finality

Today I started packing up my maternity clothes to take them to a consignment shop. As bizarre as this may sound, I liked my maternity wardrobe much better than my regular wardrobe.  How can that be?  I wasn't worried about being fat, I was simply concerned about looking the best that I could.  Guess I have some shopping to do in the near future.

Although Mr SC and I already decided on birth control (and he's likely having a vasectomy in the next few months), packing up the clothes makes me sad.  We are both so incredibly thankful for Baby A but yet it still makes us sad that the decision about not trying again has pretty much been made for us.  We can't go through TTC and the fear of miscarrying again.  We both know this deep in our hearts.  Still, it tore me apart to hear Mr SC admit that he wishes that we could have "a houseful of kids running around".  I hate that I can't give that to  him.

I know this decision is what's best for us and our family.  My head knows that.  My heart just can't help but be a little sad today.

Little Peanut

How about a list?  :)

1.  Every day is certainly a new adventure with Baby A.  Yesterday we had our first solo outing and went to see one of my friends.  That was our first official trip in the car (just the two of us), beyond going to the bank right down the street.  

2.  Last week at the doctor she was up to 7lbs 11oz.  She's sleeping better and now that we switched formula, she's having a better time with her stomach.

3.  Formula?  Yes, that's right.  I'm pumping and she's getting 2-3 bottles of breastmilk a day.  The rest is formula.  Perhaps I got too discouraged with bfing early on.  Baby A would get so upset and then I would get so upset and I hated the vicious cycle.  I was having problems with supply early on, too.  This has continued but I realize now that it's because I'm not doing it all the time.  

4.  Weight?  I haven't been on a scale but all my pre-pregnancy clothes fit me.  :)  I'm not happy with what I weighed before I got pregnant but it's nice that I've lost the weight from the past nine months.  I'll tackle the rest at some point.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Ok.  The first four things are pretty much blah, blah, blah baby stuff.  I have two more things and the first is pretty damn funny.

So yesterday I was changing a messy diaper only to have Baby A projectile poop all over the place.  It got all over the basket on the changing table (and everything in it), it got between her toes and ran down the wall in the nursery.  I couldn't stop laughing but I also stood there dumbfounded because I had no freaking clue where to even begin.   I decided to take a picture and share it with hubs for a good laugh.  Unfortunately, I hit the wrong button and posted the damn thing on Twi.tter!  Sorry to those of you who saw that! 

Also, my blog will be a bit different now that I've had Baby A.   Although I won't forget what got me to this place, I'm sure I'll be talking about her here quite a bit.  Another thing that's also different is that there won't be any more TTC for Mr SC and me.  For those who have been reading for a while, you may remember that last fall we had decided to stop trying before we found out we were pregnant.  TTC was too painful and the thought of another loss was just too much.  I follow many bloggers who have had their babies and who are now TTC #2.  Although we'd love to have more children, Baby A will be it for us.   It will be very strange to talk about birth control at my 6 week appointment.

When we were in the hospital before bringing Baby A home, Mr SC took my hand and said something to me.  I've been wanting to post about it but didn't want it to come across the wrong way.

Before I get to that, I have to say that I will never, ever forget how we got to have Baby A or what we had to endure to get there.   Mr SC though said something that I've really tried hard to remember.

When people had asked me, "is this your first?", I always hesitated.  To me, this was my 5th.  Even though the other four pregnancies didn't make it, there were, at four other points in time, lives growing inside me.  Not only is the calendar full of reminders, but so are all the places we go.  Today, when we were out with the baby, we passed the drug store where I bought the HPT for loss #4.

Today though, I just shook my head and then looked at my baby girl.

In the hospital, Mr SC said that although he knows that I will never forget, that I need to remember that we have a little girl now and that hopefully, holding her close to our hearts will make the pain of the past a little less raw.   I was so scared so much of my pregnancy and I was so rattled by reminders for the last several years that I still felt tears well up in my eyes all too often.  I think I felt like loving our baby meant that I wasn't remembering what happened and I've finally come to realize that just isn't true.

I had toyed with the idea of planting a memory garden last summer to honor our losses.  Instead, Mr SC bought four tree seedlings.  The trees are Aspens, which we saw in Colorado on our honeymoon.  If you aren't familiar with Aspens, the leaves are roundish and when the wind blows, the leaves flutter.  Those trees are my way of honoring our lost babies and, as they grow, can be something that our daughter can find beauty in, too.

It took me several attempts to write this post and I've been struggling with it so much.  I had two horrible, horrible dreams (which happens when I'm stressed about something) that left me thinking about things quite a bit.  

Perhaps it's because even though this chapter in our lives is over, the words and their meaning will forever be etched in my brain.

A New ICLW

Hi everyone...

It's been months since I've participated in ICLW.    Those three descriptors were what got me.  After dealing with IF/RPL for nearly three years, I just gave birth to a happy and healthy baby girl on July 1.  For months, I was terrified of using the word "pregnant", for fear I would somehow jinx the pregnancy.

Now that she's here, my husband (referred to here as Mr SC) and I couldn't be happier.  That doesn't mean that she can't be fussy, or that I don't beat myself up about the fact that I'm not exclusively breastfeeding.  We still find ourselves having a hard time believing that this is all real and are trying to figure it all out, one day at a time.

Baby A's Arrival (with pics)!

The day before Baby A was born, we had an ultrasound, an OB appointment and finished our last childbirth class.  All went well, looked great and the plan was an induction somewhere in the 39 week mark.

When I woke up on Friday (7/1) morning and got out of bed, I felt an obvious "pop", followed by a gush (9am) Holy shit, I thought...there's just no way!  It's 3 1/2 weeks early!  When I called my OB, the nurse laughed when I told her what I thought could have been my water breaking.  Hubs raced home from work and ran in the house to see if I was ok, where he found me sort of trying to pack a bag, freaking out and pacing around the house.  To say that I couldn't think clearly is a vast understatement.  Hubs went out to start throwing shit out of the back of his car into our front yard (which was pretty funny) and to get the carseat (which, I may add, was still in the box).

The three day holiday weekend was packed full of finishing-getting-ready-for-baby details.  We were planning on getting last minute things, finishing the nursery, staining a piece that Mr SC built, packing hospital bags, etc.  Alaina knew how much her mommy hates lateness though and loves being early, since she clearly had other plans.

On the way to the hospital, I didn't even think that this was "it".  I wasn't having contractions.  I even called my mom (who lives an hour and a half away) to tell her what was going on, yet we both decided that she should stay put until I knew what was going on.

And then the contractions started.  Wow.  They were about a minute long and three minutes apart.  Commence complete freaking out on my part.

After I got to L&D, I found out that I was already 7cm dilated.  Hubs called my mom and told her to get here, now.   The rest remains a blur.  I had to have an IV started immediately because of the +GBS and also was waiting for bloodwork results to be sure the Hep.arin was out of my system so I could get an epidural.   The target time was 3:30.   By the time I finally was able to have an epidural, I was already 9.5cm dilated and the pain was pretty damn bad.   They wanted to wait though for my body to do things naturally (as much as they could) for fear of my cervix tearing, so I tried to relax.  I pretty much got to lay in the bed for a couple of hours.  I was uncontrollably shaking because I was so scared.  I kept thinking of my losses.  I thought of so many of you and what you had been through.  I thought of a few of my friends who had tragedy strike in moments like this.   Mr SC was wonderful and tried to keep me calm, but it was really something I knew I had to do on my own.  I realized that what was meant to happen would happen and I knew that when the nurse came back in, that it would be go time.  After she checked me (after about two total hours) and said that my cervix was ready, I held Mr SC's hand and said I was ready to meet our daughter.

Labor was so strange because I could barely feel my contractions (yay, epidural!) but I ended up only needing to push for about forty minutes.  Mr SC and my mom were there and were both a tremendous help and Mr SC got to watch his daughter come into the world.  Baby A was so quiet after she was born I just kept frantically asking if she was ok.  After all, we're all used to those screaming newborns on TV right after they're born, right?  Start to finish (from when my water broke), the whole thing was only a little over eight hours!

After what seemed like an eternity, we were able to go home on Sunday evening.  As I was being wheeled down the long hospital corridor, it was just too much for me.  Mr SC and I had walked down that hallway so many times before.  For testing for our losses.  For my two surgeries.   With pregnancies hanging in limbo, only to find out they were no more.  Now, here I was, leaving the hospital with my rainbow baby.  It was just too much for me and I ended up bawling the entire way out of the hospital.

I still can't believe that she's here, happy and healthy.  We hold her entirely too much but for right now, we don't know what else to do other than to love her like there's no tomorrow.

  Ready to go home from the hospital!

I must be a glutton for punishment that I'm sharing this picture!  This is the last pic I have of me being pregnant   at 34 weeks.  I was sooo tired and sooo swollen!!  

SURPRISE!!

I wanted to quickly let everyone know that Baby A is here!!!  Alaina was born on Friday, July 1 (at 36w 5d) and she's healthy and perfect!   We just got home from the hospital last night and are getting settled in.

More info soon!!

Making Sense of it All (When it Doesn't)

My morning started like most.  I woke up, sat down to eat breakfast and began to check blogg.er/FB/email/Twi.tter.  I quickly learned how one of my dear friends was distraught over a close friend's pregnancy announcement (after being married only a short period of time).  

When does it ever get any easier?

I hate this about IF.  The message is all over the place.  The "norm" is to get married and then start having children.  Hell, some people don't even consider a married couple a "family" until they have a child.   Mix those underlying beliefs in with the fact that IF makes couples feel flawed or broken and there's no escaping it, is there?  After all, if you can't get pregnant, there's medication that can help.  If that doesn't work, there are always procedures that will work.  Each of these steps becomes increasingly difficult (emotionally and financially), yet most dealing with IF still hold onto the hope that the end point will result in a biological child.  

Not only are all of these things painful but the relationships it damages (many irreparably so) only increase the pain.  Some people will never "get" it (even though maybe you've been able to lean on them all of your life) and the relationship falters.  There are insensitive comments from all over, leading many to feel as though they have to don their battle armor even to leave the house and get through the day. 

I hate that this hurts so many.  I hate that there's nothing that anyone can ever do to truly fix it.  Does it ever really get any easier?  Does the pain ever go away?

You might scoff at me asking that question, since I'm sitting here nine months pregnant.  I get that.  The truth is though that I still have wounds that won't heal, too, even though I'm one of "them" now who's so close to being on the "other side".

I just wish that there were a way to have some answers.  Perhaps at least knowing "why" would help.  For most though, that answer will never come (and that only makes the pain worse).

SCREECH!

The title was referring to screech to a grinding halt, not Screec.h from Saved by the Be.ll.

So, Factor V, MTHFR, hypothyroidism, GD...ok, fine.  Rolling with the punches in this pregnancy.  Accepting that I'll never know what led to my four losses, dealing with the cards I've been dealt as best I can, while realizing that in terms of "complications", these could be much, much, much worse.  (And, if I do say so myself, been doing a pretty good job dealing with things).

OB appointment yesterday.  Chatted it up about possible induction, etc.  Praised for GD numbers, all was well.

Then I remembered the test I had done the week before and I saw the results on my chart.  GBS+

I tested positive from Group B Strep.  Commence panic with doctor.  She reassures me...antibiotics during delivery, not a big deal and just because I tested positive doesn't mean I have it and doesn't mean the baby will have it, especially with treatment.

After a couple of hours, I calmed down.  I'm allergic to penicillin but talked to a nurse about the alternatives (many of which I"m allergic to when penicillin is prescribed for an illness) and I felt better.

Yep.  Until this morning.  Of course, enter Dr. Goog.le.  Damn you, Dr. Googl.e.   Group B Strep can infect the baby even if you have antibiotics and can cause meningitis, pneumonia and lead to death.  And, GBS, in rare cases, can cause an infection of the placenta which will cause the baby to be stillborn.  I get that all of this is rare and worst-case scenario stuff.  For once though, I would like to fall on the "normal" side of statistics.  I don't want to be in the 25% of women who test positive, I want to be in the 75% of women who don't.

Today, I'm 9 months pregnant.  Something tells me that this is going to be the longest month of my life.

What's Up?

I'm falling more and more behind with blogs and so I finally installed Chro.me and now commenting works.  I hope this isn't a new trend with Googl.e vs. IE.  We've battled it in school this year and it drove the kids crazy!

I've also finally joined Twi.tter.  Well, I had an account that I used for school before but now I have a personal one, too.  Two of my close friends apparently chat it up often and I felt so left out :)   It's such an easy and quick way to keep up with people.  I don't know why I was so resistant.

There are a few things going on...I'll start with the non-pg stuff.

1.  Monday was our wedding anniversary.  We didn't take an overnight trip this year (as we did the last two years).  Instead, we went to State Coll.ege for the day.  We love going there and buying Penn St.ate stuff.  I woke up early to sign his card (and wake him up to give it to him).  Stupid ass me picked out a "Happy Birthday" card, rather than an anniversary card.  How in the hell does someone do that??

2. My cousin, who is 21, just became a baby daddy for the 2nd time.  Nice to get lapped by someone who can't hold a job, sleeps with anything that, well, you know...  This baby mama is 22 and already has three kids (two different dads).  So, now she has four kids (three different dads) They are "engaged" but aren't getting married because she'll lose her benefits.  Ugh.

3.  We now have two pools in our yard.  Before you go and think that we're independently wealthy, we aren't.  I'm talking about an above-ground one from Wmart that Mr SC just had to have and a small, plastic kiddie pool for our dogs.  Our Doc.k Dog, Nitta.ny, won't get in the thing and just stands there and barks at it.  Lewie, our other dog, (who is afraid of water) enjoys getting in and splashing around.  Go figure.

4.  I don't live in the Midwest, so I realize that this will sound silly to those of you who do (and who have endured much more serious and deadly ones), but we've had four confirmed tornadoes within thirty miles of where I live this year (one specifically was two miles away and another was ten).  Now, when we have a severe thunderstorm warnings, it seriously freaks me out.  We don't have a basement, so the warnings usually lead us to go next door to MIL's with our two dogs.
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pg stuff...

1.  The GD is still being managed solely by diet and I've been able to "relax" a bit what I eat and still get readings within normal range.  It's been helpful, too, that Mr SC is eating the same as I am.  He's lost ten pounds, too!

2.  I'm slowly trying to get things ready for the baby.  I get started and then often get sick to my stomach, for fear that this is all going to be for nothing.

3.  Sunday starts our three shots a day of Hep.arin, rather than Lovenox.

And finally...
4.  I'm 35 1/2 weeks pregnant now, which still seems very surreal.   The "big" news from my last OB appt (last Thursday) is that I definitely won't be going past my due date (because of my injections) and the doctor seemed to think that they would have me "go" at 39 weeks.  Yikes!   Baby A's growth is now falling within normal range and I'm thinking that means an induction.

So, that's what's new here.

We Are Not the Same

There have been several occasions over the last few weeks where people have made comments that have made me want to scream.

To the woman who made the remark, "yeah, look at what our husbands did to us!"   

To the endless people who expect me to break down on the spot when dealing with over 100 degree temperatures in our non-airconditioned school this week, while listening to their comments about how horrible it was for them to be pregnant in the heat.  Blah, blah, blah.

To the former student who graduated last year who I had the pleasure of running into in the store, with my obvious bump, drone on and on about how she just had her second baby (first was last year) from a second guy and how hard it is...blah, blah, blah.  Then, she thought it would be appropriate to ask me if I was planning on breast feeding and launch into how painful it is blah, blah, blah.

To the current student who was the product of her mother getting pregnant at 16.  Student broke up with her boyfriend and a week later, met random guy at mall and got pregnant.  She is due in the end of July.  She enjoys trying to chat it up with me daily about being pregnant (most of her comments are complaints).

To the endless women who seem to enjoy telling me their childbirth horror stories or make stupid comments like "get all the rest now you can!"  Or, to those women who gasp in horror about gestational diabetes and that means I will HAVE to have a c-section and do go on and on about how awful it is.  Guess what?  I don't care.  I'm not going to argue with the doc in the midst of labor about it (as one did) or cry and mourn the loss of bikini days.   I just want my baby to be healthy.  If that means a c-section, so be it!

We are not the same.  This does not mean that I feel as though my baby should be wearing only the color gold and placed high atop a pedestal.    It just means that outside of this community, where women (and men) struggle to attain something they want so badly (which occurs just randomly for what seems like the rest of the world), no one gets it. 

I wonder if I will ever feel as though I fit in anywhere but here.    You know what?   Thing is, I'm fine with that (provided I can vent about these annoyances from time to time).  :)

Is it because woman have obviously visible breasts and other obvious physical features that make other women feel as though any conversation or comment is fair game?
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Little Nitta.ny Lion is doing well.  At our ultrasound last week it showed that she's growing appropriately (and hasn't continued to make extreme gains because of the GD).   Another week without insulin, too!  We also got to see on the ultrasound that she has hair all over her head!  :)

T Minus 55 Days

This waiting is what it felt like near the end of the 1T.  I so wanted to get to that 14 week mark and cross that magic threshold.  Now, though, I'm counting down the days until our little girl is here.

Good news...so far, on the gestational diabetes front, I've been managing ok without the need for insulin.  I have to say that it's difficult to be so limited in what I can eat (just not feeling like I have very few options), yet it hasn't bothered me.  It's like a personal little mission every time I eat to conquer my blood sugar.  Although there's been ups and downs, for the most part, so far so good.

Alaina's nursery is almost finished.  It's so surreal to stop in and say good morning and good night to that room.  Sounds cheesy, I know, but it's what I do.  I can't believe we're here at 32w1d.

We had an ultrasound on Friday to check on her growth.  She's still about 2 1/2 weeks ahead and that's where she was about a month ago.  So, her growth has slowed down (more to normal speed) and I couldn't be happier.

Yet, with all this happiness is the anxiety again.  I feel (and see her) move all the time, but I'm still terrified.  Seemingly healthy pregnancies end all the time and I don't know what I've done to deserve to be here.  I just can't fully trust yet that this is all going to work out.

I know my posts probably seem like a broken record, yet I'm not sure where else to turn.  No one else gets it, at all.  Even Mr SC, who has endured all of this with me...the thought never even crosses his mind that something could go wrong.  My therapist tells me that comparing the four miscarriages and this pregnancy is like comparing apples and oranges.

For now, I'm going to keep rubbing my belly, loving my baby girl and praying that we make it through another day together.

Blogger Commenting... WTH?

Is anyone else having difficulty with commenting?  I can't.  I'm logged in, it says I'm logged in but when I go to leave a comment, it takes me to the "blogger" screen to log on.  Ok, so I do that.  Kicks me back to my comment (which says anonymous) and I type in the mystery "word" and it still takes me to the log in screen.

This has been going on for several days!  Can anyone help?

The Nursery

Feels odd to call it that, but it's coming along well. Mr SC is in the process of completely redoing the room.  Here are two pictures that give you an idea of colors, the rug and the dresser/chaning table.

The dolls on the chair were mine from when I was a little girl that my mom sewed for me. I thought that Alaina would like Elmer and Emmy Lou to play with, too.

And here's my bump at 29w5d

Why I Don't Want a Shower

pg post...

I have absolutely, positively no interest in having a baby shower.  I've tried (and I'm hoping I was successful) at making this clear to my mother and my MIL and talking about it to my husband (although, when I brought it up today he acted like he forgot the conversation until I pretty much gave him the play by play).  Why, you say?  But you get gifts!  And cool stuff!  And all things baby can be celebrated!

First, I've never liked baby showers.  No one really ever looks like they're having fun (sorry!) and I hate being the center of attention like that. I can also do without the "just wait!" comments and also the, "when Suzy was a baby" remarks, all while the women without children feel like they've landed in some type of alternate universe. Second, I live an hour and a half away from my close friends and family.  One friend that decided to not have children hasn't talked to me since I got pregnant (and I think she's avoiding me because it's painful that her older spouse made the decision about not having kids and that was that ), two close friends live too far away to attend and, if it were here, my SIL would be invited (who I haven't spoken to in a year) and well, I just don't want bullshit drama.

Finally though (and probably the biggest reason) is that I don't want to celebrate her pending arrival as if it's a done deal.  Anything could go wrong.  I'd rather celebrate her arrival when she's here, healthy, and in my arms.

So, tonight I brought up the subject with Mr SC again.  I had an idea a couple of days ago and wanted to run it by him.

I should explain to you though that I'm not a "this is how you're supposed to do it" kind of person.  I skipped my senior prom (had the dress, shoes and everything) because I decided to dump my boyfriend two weeks before because he was an ass, Mr SC and I had a small (8 people) wedding and had a party/reception a month after. 

My idea?  I want to have a "She's Here!  Come Celebrate With Us!" party.  Nothing fancy, just a picnic at our house in September (much cooler temps) so that people can meet her and, well, celebrate with us.  They can bring gifts if they want (or not).   Much to my complete surprise, Mr SC loved the idea. 

Am I nuts?

My Mother is Not Understanding

I'm partially looking for advice here/partially trying to vent.

My (step) brother-in-law's wife (of a month) just had a baby two days ago.  This was the oops baby announcement back in October that sent me pretty much over the edge and was a layer of icing on the cake when Mr SC and I had originally decided that trying was just too much anymore.  They postponed their wedding two times, there are questions of paternity but somehow, my brother is happy (and that's just great).

Several months ago, I had to tell my mom to stop talking to me about this baby.  I didn't want to hear about it.  It didn't matter that I was pregnant...it's like she thought that being pregnant would erase what we've endured (hello...four miscarriages doesn't just "go away").   I don't know if she ever truly "got it", but she respected my feelings.   This is something that generally my mom is very good at, so this was all very weird.

Anyway, as I got further along (and SIL got closer and closer to her due date), my mom would give me more information (mainly because I asked).  About a month ago, again though, I had to tell her that I didn't need to hear a play by play and that just keeping me informed of the basics was good.  Mom kept pushing me to call/email SIL and I didn't want to.  I get it.  We're both pregnant at the same time but that doesn't make our pregnancies the same.

Now that baby is here (she was born Friday).  Mom sent me pictures which were difficult to see.  There was my mom, holding her stepson's child.  My mom should have had that experience at four different points in time with me and there she is, beaming with oops baby.

Anyway, my point is this.  Mr SC and I are supposed to go see my mom in two weeks (she's about two hours away).  She sent me an email today about...please let her know for sure about times because she wants B, SIL and baby to be here so we can meet her.

I don't want to meet this baby.  I don't want to sit around with idle chatter about babies (and just you wait talk), all while everyone is oohing and ahing.  I just don't.  I don't want to meet her until we have our baby.  That may sound horribly selfish, but frankly, until she's alive and healthy and in my arms, there will always be a part of me that thinks this is just some cruel joke.   So, yet again, I've had to explain to her all of this.

Why isn't she getting it?  Why is this so difficult for her to grasp? 

Sour and Sweet

This post is a post about this weekend.  You all know what I'm talking about...the annoying FB reposts (already?  seriously?), the commercials, the movies being advertised on TV networks tomorrow....  YUCK.  BARF.

So, Mr SC and I went out to eat last night.  I checked out their menu online in advance and was surprised at what I could eat.  Our server was a sweet woman, who was great while we were there (you know...not too in your face but there just enough).  After she came back to bring our change when we were finished, she looked at me and said words out loud to me that no one else has ever uttered.

"Happy Mother's Day", she said with a kind smile.

Almost instantly (but somehow after she turned around), I lost it at the table.  I know she was being kind because of my growing belly, but my tears were more from so many other things.  I was crying for all of you.  I was crying for the Mother's Day two years ago (seriously?  two years?) when I was pregnant (with what became our second m/c) after our first loss.  I thought that one was a fluke and was so happy.  I was crying for the four lives that at one point were growing inside me but never made it.   Although I'm so thankful to be pregnant now, I don't know if I will ever be able to see Mother's Day as a day without pain.

So, although I'm not saying it out loud, I'm still saying it to all of you:  Happy Mother's Day.   Happy Mother's Day to all of you who hold the dreams of a baby in your heart or a baby in your arms, to those of you who have someone who looks to you as a mom and to those of you who are furmoms.

Thinking of all of you this weekend.

The Post Where I'm Upset

pg post

So far, I think I've been handling things quite well in this pregnancy.  I'm in the 3rd trimester.  I've been watching my weight gain and, although it's in the average range, it's on the low side (yay, me!).  I haven't once even thought about complaining about the daily shots of Loveno.x or the pain that I'm in daily (and have been since around 20 weeks) that my doctor offered me a "safe" narcotic for (HA...seriously???)  Because, guess what?  After all that I've been through, I know how lucky I am to actually have made it this far.  For some reason, I have a baby growing inside me and complaining just seems to take away from that.

But now?  Now I'm just a big, awful mess.

You can think that I'm being overly dramatic.  That's fine.  I just still have these thoughts looming...no one knows why I lost any of my other pregnancies.  Was my thyroid out of whack?  Was it the clotting disorder (that doctors still disagree on how to treat)?   How do I know something isn't going to happen now?  As we take those small steps to getting the nursery together, I feel like fate is just waiting to laugh in my face.

Now I find out that my baby is big and it's my fault.  Why?  Because of my diet and because I have gestational diabetes. 

I know this isn't the end of the world.  I know it's manageable.  I just can't help but think though of all the other things that I have that are supposed to be manageable that aren't or haven't been in the past for me.

So that "healthy" baby girl I have inside me got the way she is because I can't even take care of her when she's inside me.   Some freaking mother I am.

I want her to here.  I want her to be alive and healthy.  I just can't help but think that something horrible is going to come of this pregnancy because all of the lovely "risk factors" I can check off.

Oh My!

Pg post...

I was going to wait to post until I had the full results from my 3 hour glucose test, but I'm not sure when that will be. 

First, the u/s went well on Thursday.  Our little girl is still a girl :)   Everything looks good internally, the placenta and my cervix are still great.  All looked good.

She's certainly a big baby, though!  I was 27.5 weeks at the u/s.  Every inch of her (bones, head, organs, etc) was measuring just over 30 weeks.  She's also almost 3 1/2 pounds already!!  I talked to the MFM doc who said that all looked great and that no, this doesn't necessarily mean I have GD.  I'll talk about more specifics with my OB next week.

Off to the glucose test...

Fasting was difficult.   The first part of the test is that they draw your blood, after fasting, right away (and after eating a half decent amount of carbs in the days leading up to the test).  I passed that (which made me feel better).  Then the sugary stuff and more blood.  That's the part I'm waiting for.  I was all set with my iPod and No.ok, but DH sat with me and waited.  This was all ok until about the last half and hour.  I was so damn hungry and he was trying to talk to me.  It was the day that all that horrible weather made its way through the NE after ripping through the south.  Anyway, I looked at him and said..."Honey, I love you.  But please, please just shut up.  I really need you to just stop talking."  

Tomorrow, I'm Going to Hurt Someone's Feelings

We have our u/s tomorrow morning to check on our little girl since I'm measuring a bit ahead.  I'm trying not to worry about it and am looking forward to the chance to see our baby again.  Then, I have my glucose testing.  I'm all set with a new book and my iPod (hey, hey...I'm trying to be positive)

The waiting room for the MFM doctor at the hospital shares a waiting room with my old RE's office.  My appointment is at 8am, which is when the waiting room will be packed with the first come, first served patients for my RE before they officially open at 9.

I remember being in that waiting room, countless times.  To see if my baby was still growing, to confirm miscarriages, to wait for the administration of the cytotec when the miscarriages were confirmed.  There are hopeful couples in that waiting room, too.  For follie checks and other ART procedures.

And there I will sit with my 7 months pregnant belly.

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for those couples who will be in that waiting room and will be hurt by seeing me. 

Bumps? and a Reveal

pg post...

I wanted to update a bit about what's going on with me.  Hopefully someone out there can shed some insight, too.

• I'm 27 1/2 weeks.  
• I had my first "scare" and visit to L&D.  Ok, scare is being used loosely here.  You're supposed to call about a decrease in fetal movement.  So, I did.  Go to L&D now, the nurse says.  Thankfully, baby is just fine. 
• We/I continue to measure "big".  This is odd to me, especially since I'm right on target (or a little on the low side) for weight gain.   Because of this, I have to have an u/s on Thursday morning to make sure all is ok.
• I miserably and horribly failed my 1hr glucose test.  I can't help but hope it's because I had lunch shortly before.  Anyway, three hour version is this Thursday.
• My thyroid is being a little wonky.  A month ago, it was fine.  I continued the same med dose.  Yesterday, my TSH is now on the hyperthyroidism side (although mild) yet me T4 is fine.  Doc wants my dose to stay the same because he says T4 is the most important for baby.  Anyone have this?
• I've been officially moved to the intermediate risk "clinic" and I have to say, seeing the same two docs every two weeks is way better than a crapshoot of who I'll see every four.

I am just hoping that these are regular ol' things that aren't that big of a deal.  I liked it so much better when there wasn't anything like this going on.

Whatever it takes for Alaina Grace to be ok.  For those who asked, that's what we've decided to name her.  We couldn't decide between one name and Alaina, so I decided for us and ordered the letters for above her crib.  After all, the one giving birth gets the final say, right?  :)

Do You Get Lost in Labels?

Generally speaking, I don't enjoy getting together with a group of women.  There's a coaches' dinner coming up (my husband coaches wrestling), where the wives and husbands get together for dinner.  It was just awful last year.  The men were talking about all kinds of cool things...sports, beer, etc.

The women?  They were talking about how best to clean their homes, how to get stains our of clothing and their kids.

I've never been in a relationship like the one my husband and I have before.  I now live in his hometown (I relocated here before I even knew him for a teaching job) and am about an hour and a half from home.  I truly hope that, although my husband and I love to do pretty much everything together that I haven't lost my identity as "Kelly" and have let the label of "Mr SC's wife" take over. 

Most of the women in my life have lost themselves...to the identity of wife and mother.  It's almost as if they no longer exist as individuals.

I would like to think that I'm still Kelly first and Mr SC's wife and the role of teacher both take turns being second.  That's not to say that I put my marriage after my job but I truly feel as though being a teacher is an all-consuming profession. 

I wonder how men would identify themselves.  Or, do they even think about things like this at all?  :)

What are your labels?

Taking a Step Forward

This post is a bunch of things...updates and ICLW to sum things up a bit.

It's been a long, long time since I've participated in ICLW.  Welcome and thanks for stopping by if you're here!  I had decided to sign up once or twice but was so afraid of the three descriptor words. 

So, today I took the plunge.  I officially typed, "pregnant after RPL".

To make a long story short, Mr SC (hubs) and I have been TTC since 7/08.  We never really had difficulty getting pregnant, it was the staying pregnant that was our problem.  No one was really able to shed any answers, either.  So, we decided back in October we were on an indefinite break and were most likely going to live child free. We were supposed to start trying again that month after our fourth miscarriage back in May of 2010.   A week later, we found out I was pregnant.

Diving up the 40 weeks of pregnancy by threes, I'll be into the 3T this weekend.  Absolutely, positively crazy.  I still, still cannot believe it.

I'm doing fairly well.  I have an OB appointment this Monday to make sure that I'm still not measuring ahead.  If I am, I'll have another u/s just to double check that everything is ok. 

The coolest thing started happening a few days ago.  We can now see our little girl kick.  It's so strange to just be sitting in a chair and watch your stomach move!  I love every moment of it.

Now that we've picked a name I can use it instead of "baby girl" all the time.  The nursery is coming together slowly. 

Knock on wood that all continues to go well.

Spread the Word and Take Action!

Ok...I know we've seen and heard about this.  PLEASE, everyone...sign the petition.  Write an email.  SOMETHING.  ANYTHING.

Some of the responses are disgusting.  Read here and here (and be sure to click on "read more"...it gets worse!").  If you don't want to write a letter/email, please consider signing the petition here.

The Dreaded April...

I love spring. I love the buds on the trees and watching in amazement as the flowers I planted several years ago still bloom (I'm still relatively new to this gardening thing).

But... this marks the third April that I've been pregnant. The last two Aprils, my babies were already dead or dying inside me and I didn't know it. I hit the huge 24 week milestone tomorrow and I can't help but be more terrified than ever.

For Mother's Day two years ago, DH bought me lilies. I remember so vividly thinking how the next year's Mother's Day would be the best ever because I'd have a baby in my arms. Instead, I was recovering for my 4th missed miscarriage and the cytotec I took a week before.

 I'm not a religious person by any means, but for the last several months, I've found myself thanking God every morning for getting us through the night and thanking him again every night for getting us through the day.

Please God, let us get through April.

Life Through the Eyes of IF/Blogger No Paragraphs???

Is so different in more ways than just dealing with the pain of struggling to have a baby or losing a baby. I ended up catching the last two episodes of Se.x and the Ci.ty tonight. You know, the ones where Carrie moves to Paris, Samantha is confronting treatment for breast cancer and Miranda and Steve are facing Steve's mother's dementia. And Charlotte and Harry wanting to adopt a child. I didn't get it as I watched this show faithfully seven years ago. Charlotte was married to Trey and they struggled with fertility treatments (the shots, the testing, everything) and finally got to the point where Trey said he was done and Charlotte accepted. And then they got divorced. These last two episodes of the series show Charlotte and Harry meeting with birth parents and learning that they change their minds. Ultimately, they end up adopting a baby girl from China. I was so completely oblivious to the pain in these episodes. I had no idea what it would feel like to deal with RPL. I had no idea how many couples struggle with IF. Why would I? I wasn't at that point in my life (and didn't think I ever would be). As I watched these episodes and didn't even try to hold back the tears, I also cried for the first real time for the IF that they included in the storyline. How many women are in their exact shoes? Over the last two years, I've met many. I realized just how completely different of a woman I am from when those last episodes first aired seven years ago. And, although the pain I've endured was hell, I can honestly say that I'm a better person from all of it. My eyes have been opened. I'm so much more sensitive to others and what they could be going through. After all, how many of us dealing with IF/RPL choose to do so silently? At the end of the day, some good did come out of all of this pain. ***edited to add*** Please don't feel as though this is a "I've found Zen" post now that I'm pg. (I actually think I wrote a post similar to this some time ago). Bitterness, anger and sadness are still emotions that I have come to know rather intimately. However, for me, that's my own stuff to work out. The losses opened my eyes more to others and in that way, I feel it's made me a better person.

Something Sweet That Made Me Sad

So, I guess that means it was bittersweet? :)

Today, a friend at work passed me in the hallway and told me she left something on my desk. Ok, I said. I didn't think much of it.

There was a small gift bag (yay...a present for no reason!) and in it were two Pen.n St.ate baby pacifiers. That by itself almost made me cry because it was so kind and so thoughtful. I went and found her in the hall to thank her and give her a hug.

As I'm hugging my friend, she's saying to me that she bought those for me such a long time ago and she was never able to give them to me. As students are walking past us, it took every ounce of my being not to completely lose it in the hallway.

So now I have a gift for my baby girl and every time I look at those pacifiers, instead of being sad for her brothers and sisters that I lost, I'm going to try and focus on how she has a small part of them with her.

Kicking My...

(pg post)

Everything! This little girl is going nuts. I started to feel her move almost two weeks ago and I feel her every day, fairly often now (standing up, sitting down, etc). Two nights ago when I was in bed with ice on my belly (for my shot), I could really feel her (it made me jump). Mr SC pinched my stomach to give me my shot and our little girl kicked his thumb!

I'm seeing my therapist a bit more regularly, which has helped with my anxiety. It's also been reassuring to feel her move daily. I'm slowly starting to try and let the fear go and enjoy the pregnancy.

Now that wrestling season is over (Mr SC coaches), we've gradually started to work on things in the house. I've also started keeping my eye out for deals for things for the nursery. We bought bedding and used a coupon yesterday (that expires today) to buy a carseat. All things are staying in the boxes though for quite some time and, of course, I'm saving the receipts.

Today marks 21 weeks (which starts month six, according to my doctor). Our follow-up scan this last week also went very well and confirmed again, that our little one is a she. We have two names picked and we'll decide after she's born. We are going to use Grace for her middle name. Grace is my grandmother's middle name who I didn't see from the age of four until I was 27. I thankfully got to spend a great deal of time with her before she passed away. One of the names for her first name I also found out was that same grandmother's mother's name. I think that's what we will end up naming our little girl.

Thanks for all of your support. I don't post much right now because I don't want to post about the anxiety. I sort of feel that gives it too much power. I've been reading and commenting though.

Helping Out

Christa over at Fearlessly Infertile posted this today about the Lost Stork Foundation. Think about what we could do if we could all pull together to support this organizion as it tries to get off the ground!

Please take a minute to check it out. Become a follower of her blog or on Twi.tter. Offer support on FB or buy a cookbook if you can.

Thanks, Christa!

Today :)

I just got home from our scan. Although our little Nittan.y Lio.n was being a bit uncooperative (covering her face with her hands and making it difficult to get good pictures of her heart), one thing was clear...our little one is officially a she! :) Her legs were bent underneath her and there was no mistaking those three lines!

Everything looks great but I have to go back next week so they can get better pictures of her face (she was sort of laying on it) and her heart. Please tell me to stop freaking out about this...they wouldn't be keeping a potential problem from me, right?

Maybe, just maybe I'll be able to talk about names tonight. :)

I Wish

I've had to take a bit of a step back. I wish that I were able to stay a more active part of the blogging community. I'm having a tough time reading about other's losses and wondering why them and not me? I'm also having a tough time being pregnant and understanding why me and why not others?

Not much is new here, which is great. I'm having a tough time grasping that I'm 19 weeks pregnant. Time has been going so incredibly slowing and so incredibly quickly at the same time. Every time I buy a new batch of clothes I am afraid to even take them out of the bag and jinx things. I've been trying to cover up my bump at school for the last few weeks (but I learned tonight, not so well).

Today was tough. My mom works in the benefits department of a department store. She saw the crib that we want was not only on sale but that she has tons of other discounts to use which drops the price quite a bit. I'm really buying a crib? Really? I told her to go ahead and buy it but it needs to stay at her house (at least, for now). I tried to talk to Mr SC about why I am freaking out and he just doesn't understand. He keeps saying that we have every reason to think everything will work out and all I keep saying is that my body betrayed me four times before.

At my last OB visit (almost two weeks ago) I asked the doctor to check my cervix. She asked all of the cervical incompetence symptom questions and after I replied, "no", to all of them I said that yes, I know that there is no reason to think there is a problem but I'm having trouble because in most cases, there are no symptoms. She smiled, said I was right, and checked my cervix. All was fine. Closed, long and good. My quad screen bloodwork also came back great.

Next up? Our level 2 scan on Tuesday. This Tuesday.

In some moment of insanity, I asked my mother to come with us. Now I'm freaking out about getting bad news and having my mother there. We're very close but I can't stand the thought of finding out there's something terribly wrong with the baby and watching both her and Mr SC be crushed at the same time.

In the meantime, I keep listening to the little lion daily and have now gotten to the point where I regularly hear "thumps" while listening for my ten seconds a day. I also felt her move twice this past week, I think.

Deep breaths....I just hope we get great news in about 40 hours.

Sick...and a Pic

I've been battling yuckiness since Friday. Each day got progressively worse and peaked yesterday. I tried to go to a conference yesterday and ended up having to leave early. (It's a three day technology conference that I really, really wanted to go to). I'm not feeling good now but I'm feeling better. I resisted taking Sud.afed (even though my OB said it was ok) and truly believe I am solely responsible for the increase in Puf.fs stock prices this past week.

This morning, as I was trying to get ready, I grabbed our camera and took a pic. The coloring is way off and it's not a great pic but it's my first officially belly pic (at 17w 2d)!

Suvivor's Guilt and This Shit Only Happens to Me, Right?

First, I was shaken yesterday. I went to the bathroom and, upon inspection, there appeared to be a tiny, tiny sliver of red. I started panicking. Actually, I started saying out loud, "you've got to be fuc*ing kidding me". Upon much, much closer inspection, I was able to remove the red from my mini-pad. It was a freaking THREAD from my sweater. Seriously. WTF??

Today, one of my friends was all about trying to talk to me about being pregnant. I had to gently tell her no, no. Not yet. She didn't understand why not. "But you're pregnant! Look at you!" she said. Although I gave her a shortened version of what I'm feeling, here's why:

I don't understand why this is happening to me. Instead of thinking about nurseries and lullabies all day, these are the questions that swirl around my brain:

Why do I get to be pregnant when so many women aren't who desperately want to be?

How can I even think about wearing maternity shirts (which I need to start wearing) with my history? Who do I think I'm kidding? Wearing those shirts is just like wearing a big, red, flashing sign that says, "HAHA!! She actually thinks she's have a baby!"

Why is this time any different from any of the others?

How can someone tell me to rest easy about those "rare" complications? Um, statistics weren't in my favor with four miscarriages. Why would they start now?

I read loss stories. Second and third trimester loss stories. All I can think about is, "why them"? Why should they experience such hell and why would I get so lucky to have a take-home baby?

What I realized yesterday is that this is it. Mr SC and I decided to stop trying in October. We decided all the loss was just too painful. A week later we found out I was pregnant. If we lose this baby, this is it. No more hope. And, the pain of yet another loss, so much further along? I can't even wrap my head around that pain.

So my state of mind is pretty much either a: denial or b: anxiety. I'll be in the middle of teaching and all of a sudden stop and think, "holy shit...I'm pregnant". I promptly push that out of my head.

I just can't shake the feel that fate is somewhere above me, watching over me, cackling that horrible sound and just waiting for when he's going to let the other shoe drop.

The Post With No Creative Title

I can't think of one that's witty, funny or anything else. I guess I'm more tired than I thought. Anyone else with me that Monday nights and Tuesday mornings are waaay worse than Monday mornings?

First, I wanted to tell everyone that I've decided to start a separate blog in a few weeks. Everyone has been such a great source of support and I don't want to hurt anyone by posting about pregnancy.

A follow-up to my post from yesterday: I called my current OB's office and left a question for the nurse. Then, I called the new OB and had to leave a message. My current OB's nurse called me back in about 45 minutes and I have an appointment tomorrow to talk about things. I'm going to see how things go tomorrow before I decide to switch. I guess they redeemed themselves with this call a bit. I appreciate so much that so many of you were understanding and made me feel much less crazy.

Finally, this question is for PAL women. Feel free to email me if you'd like (if that's easier). What do you do when you obsess and how do you calm yourself down? I'm seeing a therapist (well, I haven't in about two months) but the problem with that is that she never catches me in one of those spells. It's almost like I'm having some sort of survivor's guilt. I need some more tricks up my sleeve here.

Invasion of the Crazies

**Pg related post

I'm not sure what it is or what triggered it but I feel like I'm officially going bonkers. My head feels like it's all over the place but I'll do my best to keep this post coherent. I think I have some legitimate concerns wrapped up in my invented ones.

Perhaps this is all triggered by the fact that I'm 16 weeks today and have never felt less pregnant. The doppler has been great; I know the baby is fine. But:

1. I'm concerned about my risk for an incompetent cervix. I know the condition is relatively rare but so are four miscarriages (statistically speaking), so that isn't any comfort. Apparently one of the causes is trauma from a D&E or weakening of the cervix from forced dilation. My two D&Es and two hysteroscopies both fit this bill (at least partially) I'm not sure why my OB didn't check to be sure that all was ok at my last OB appointment at 14w5d OR want to follow-up with me before my next four week appointment, where treatment wouldn't really work. Anyone have any thoughts on this? At my last regular OB appointment (14w5d) they didn't do an u/s or an internal exam. My last u/s was at 13w5d due to spotting (which is often too early to see this problem) and I won't have another u/s for another four weeks or so (which to me could be too late to fix the problem).

2. Referring to #1, yes, I know I should call my OB. However, I'm thinking that I should switch. It's been a nagging feeling that I've had in the back of my head for a couple of weeks now. Why? Well, in their defense, they were great when I was spotting and fit me right in. They checked me out (via u/s) and said all was fine. But...

• I called over a month ago for my thyroid levels to be checked. I was due and left a message for a lab slip. They literally NEVER CALLED ME BACK. This may not seem like a big deal, by my thyroid always goes wonky when I'm pregnant. I saw a different doctor for my 1st trimester u/s and asked him for a lab slip (after waiting a week for them to call) and it was taken care of, but still.
• When I had my genetic counseling for the 1st trimester screen, the nurse asked if I had been on antibiotics because I had a slightly elevated level of bacteria from my urine test. Um, no. I didn't even know this. She then said oh, it must have been low enough that they weren't concerned.
• My last OB visit was awful. It was with a resident and she was horrible. She pushed me to have the 2nd tri bloodwork. Literally, she said that it's "just a blood test" and "what's the big deal about having it?" Then, she called me back bright and early Monday morning to tell me to set up an appointment with my hematologist (I saw him already...read my chart) and to PUSH, again, for this bloodwork.

So, I feel like if I call and express my concerns and say that I'd like to be checked internally to see that all is ok, I'm not even comfortable that they'll call me back. That's not really a good feeling to have.

If any of you have had similar conversations about this concern with your doctor, I'd love to hear about it. Also, feel free to tell me that I'm half-crazy, too.

Hurt the Ones Your Love...Or Hurt Yourself?

By "hurt", I mean emotionally.

So often, people keep things inside. They are being hurt by the words of others and don't say anything to let them know. Whether it be because they don't want to hurt their feelings or they don't like confrontation, they keep how they're hurting bottled up. Sometimes, of course, speaking up won't matter or could make things worse, which is why someone may remain silent. Today, I decided to speak up and I've been feeling horribly ever since.

My mother and I are very close. I really don't think I could have asked for a better one and I know that I'm very fortunate in that regard.

I have a cousin, who is around 30. She and I were close when were were kids but aren't any more. She went one path in life and I went another. She (after having a miscarriage a few years ago) has a six year old little girl.

My mother adores this child. ADORES her. I'm glad that this little girl brings such joy to my life. Really, I am. But, it's become increasingly hard for me. My aunt and my mom always talk about how much Emily is just like me. She talks like I did when I was little. She acts like me. She thinks like me. It's like having a little Kelly all over again.

The talk always kind of rubbed me the wrong way, given our RPL history. It's been worse though since I saw my mom and Emily together about a year ago. All I kept thinking was that I was never going to be able to give my mother a grandchild and this is the best that she'll ever have. To be fair to my mother, she has never once made any kind of grandmother comments to me or made me feel badly. But, seeing her with Emily I just knew. I was always afraid that not having children would leave a void in my life but now it was going to leave a void in my mom's life too.

I can't hear about Emily anymore. Every time I do, whether it be on the phone or in emails, all I can think about is the babies I lost. What would they be like? Would they be like me? Would they look like me? How big would they be now? It makes it even worse that Emily is a girl. I know that I lost four babies, but one I know was a girl. I never, ever will be able to look at anything pink the same again.

So I told my mom this morning. She had written me a lengthy email about Emily and I replied. I replied that I know that she would never do anything to hurt me, but hearing about Emily does. I then explained to her everything that upset me that I wrote about above. Immediately after I hit send, I felt guilty. Why couldn't I suck it up? So, I took away something that makes my mom happy that she was simply trying to share with me. She replied immediately and said she never thought about it that way and she never meant to be so insensitive.

But she wasn't being insensitive. I am just overly sensitive.

So, when something bothers you, do you speak up? Or, do you keep it to yourself?

Calling All Teachers!

I know you're out there but I can't remember who all of you are!

What do you teach? How long have you been teaching? What do you love about it/hate about it?

I've been teaching HS social studies (currently 9th and 12th grade) for 13 years. 95% of the time, I love it. I love that it's something different every day and that I'm always learning something new. I also really enjoy (ok, well, most of the time) working with the kids. The only thing that's truly difficult are factors that are beyond my control that can interfere with my job (but that's true with anything).

OB Appointment

I just wanted to update everyone:

1. All is still going well. We got our doppler on Wednesday and we LOVE it! Every day that we've checked we've picked up the heartbeat at a different spot. I know that the little lion is moving around in there but I guess I didn't realize just how much.

2. Our OB appointment was uneventful yesterday, which is great. They didn't do an u/s and I didn't ask for one. I decided to just take deep breaths and try and relax. I haven't had any more spotting and the doctor checked out everything on the u/s that day so we just got to listen to the hb yesterday like any other "normal" pregnant woman. Weird, huh?

3. Our next OB appointment is in a month and then they'll schedule the 20 week scan. We're excited but one day at a time.

4. We're spilling the beans tomorrow. When we tell two of Mr SC's family members (which is tomorrow), the world is going to know. That will make things a bit easier and I can stop trying to hide things in clothing when I go to school. I haven't been doing such a great job of that, anyway.

We're both very excited but it's just so weird the emotions that I'm feeling. I feel like right now, this is our little secret to protect and keep safe from the world. I'm also nervous about dealing with people who don't have any idea about our history and will just expect me to be one of "those" pregnant women.

Blog Award!

I've been nominated for a blog award! Thanks to Adventures in Babymaking, Infertility Diaries and Invisible Mother! Hop on over and check out these fantastic ladies!

The rules for accepting this award are:
1. Thank and link back to the person who nominated you
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Award 15 other bloggers and let them know about their award!
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Seven things:
1. One of my dogs, Nitta.ny, is a Dock Do.g. She competes in about five events per season and her best jump is 19'11". I tried jumping her in a competition once (and for my first time, was only losing to Mr SC by an inch) but I'm so terrified of falling off the dock and into the pool that I just can't do it!

2. About a year ago, I became an e-reader believer! I love to read and had the same concerns as everyone else (not feeling like a book, not smelling like a book, etc) but I LOVE my noo.k!

3. I'm coming up on my four year anniversary of when I met Mr. SC. That's a lame ass nickname for Mr Sweet Cheeks. :)

4. I sing all the time. In the car, to my dogs, in the shower...you name it, I'm singing but I have yet to sing in from of Mr SC.

5. I'm an only child (although I have a few stepbrothers and a stepsister that I'm not close to at all...marriages occurred when I was an adult)

6. I collect antique globes.

7. My favorite flower is the hibiscus. I remember being in Tar.get in Florida a few years back and being so excited to see them all over the garden section. I brought one inside last summer in a pot and although I'm trying to keep it alive indoors, it's just not doing so hot.
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My nominees:
1. Jess at A Little Blog About the Big Infertility
2. Alex at Alex's Adventures
3. Marla at Marla's Chronicles
4. Manapan at Manapan's Space
5. Erika at Pollination Chronicles
6. Kristi at Our Miracle in the Making
7. Adele at Delinquent Eggs
8. Secret Sloper (how on earth don't I know your first name?)
9. Katie at From If to When
10. Michelle at No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat
11. Wifey at Semi-Fertile
12. Jenn at Got Love, Been Married...
13. B at Non Geordie Mum
14. Lady at Tales of My Follies
15. Mai at Salvageable

Relief!!!

Last night I was awake from nearly 3am on. I only sleep in two hour increments and am used to it but when I woke up, my mind started racing and it wouldn't stop. All the things that I put in my post yesterday were swimming in my head.

I decided to stay home from school and got in to my OB. They offer to have you come in and see a nurse and listen to the fetal heart beat, and so I did.

There it was...beating away. It was pretty cool because you could hear my heartbeat (slower and louder) and my little one's behind it, faster and softer. The nurse was so sweet and so kind I could have hugged her. So yes, this pregnancy isn't like the other ones. After spotting, a follow-up showed that all is ok!

So, I'm doing my best and focusing on now. Damn it, I'm going to enjoy this pregnancy! I'm can happily (and not reluctantly) say that I'm officially in the 2nd trimester!

We've also changed our minds and are getting a doppler. :)

Thank you for all of your support and also, thank you to Hope and Browniris for nominating me for a blog award! I'm going to post it tomorrow!

2nd Tri: And I Should Be Happy

But I'm not. I'm terrified. I'm terrified that even though my OB isn't concerned, that my spotting episode from Thursday (and nothing since then) is a sign that my baby died. After all, that's how my other miscarriages started. Spotting. Fine-sih u/s and then at the follow-up, nothing. I brought this up to the OB and she explained that then is much different from now, and how miscarriage is the lowest on the list of reasons I would have been spotting (as opposed to six weeks), but still.

I'm terrified to think that I even "made it" to the 2nd tri because if the baby did die since Thursday, hell, I didn't make it to anything.

I was ok until today. Then something snapped. It's like I think something happened to the baby because I wasn't worried about it. Mr SC keeps talking about things, like we had been before, and I keep saying...don't you want to wait to have this conversation until Friday after my OB appointment?

I feel like I was almost in the "clear" in to my second tri and a dark demon reached over me, cackling, saying...hahahaha...you didn't really think you'd get to take home a baby in July, did you??