IF and RPL throw different curve balls for us to deal with. The end is still the same...we both don't have babies that we so desperately want in our arms. What we're dealing with though is often so different. After multiple failed pregnancies, RPL takes the joy and elation of seeing a BFP away. The only real feeling that comes with it is that "oh, shit" feeling. The anxiety. The paralyzing fear. The feeling that every moment of every day is a lifetime.
Someone who is struggling to get pregnant and is pursuing fertility treatments would give anything to see that BFP. The treatments and the cycle after cycle of stark white spaces on pregnancy tests hurt a little more each time one is staring you in the face.
I've struggled with posting this for a few days, because of my last two posts about our decision to stop trying and my fears. I've also struggled with this post because I can't believe we're in this place. Yet, I don't know how to not post this.
So, here it is. I'm pregnant. Pregnancy number five. We are so scared shitless that we can't even allow ourselves to think about it. I got a positive at 12DPO (on Friday) and my first set of betas were yesterday and those were good. The only reason I tested at all was that I didn't have any signs at all that AF was arriving and I woke up that morning, looking forward to getting my hair highlighted that night. When I realized that AF didn't feel like she was coming, I thought that as much as I didn't think that I was pregnant, I should test to just be sure. I can honestly say though that taking that test, I thought the chances of me seeing a positive were about as high as me winning the lottery. Hell, I even was on my way out the door for school and decided to take the damn test with me to school for when I had to go again.
I'm already thinking that when I start spotting, I hope it's at week six, just like it was every other time, since I will be off of school. I'm already thinking that when I miscarry again, that I hope it's a missed miscarriage like before, so that I can deal with the physical aspect over winter break, so I don't have to miss any more school.
So, there it is.
kelly,
ReplyDeleteI cannot really imagine what you are feeling. You are correct in highlighting the way we are the same and different as we deal with IF and RPL. For me, my pregnancy loss was the hardest part, but I do not know if that is b/c it followed 3 yrs of IF and countless treatments and BFN's.
I am hoping that this is it for you and that you find yourself with a baby in your arms in 9 months. Hang in there, we are for you.
Wow! I had no idea what you were going to say but I certainly didn't expect that either. As soon as I got to that paragrpah, I put my hand to my mouth in disbelief. Wow, Kelly. I've been following your journey now for almost a year and my heart has been breaking for you. I'm so, so hoping this will continue to go well for you. I know you must be nervous given your history, but we are so pulling for you!!!!
ReplyDeleteFunny thing is this should be my post too... I've been posting how hopeless I've been feeling and how I took a home test this week and it was negative but my period still hasn't come and my tests are now showing a faint positive line. And I don't know how to write my next post... and I'm scared that it will all be for naught in a few days anyway.
Well, I'm here for you and will be keeping the most positive thoughts for you!!
I am flabbergasted..and yet, at the same time..Oh my God. There aren't words. I want to be be excited for you..But we've been there..and I know. And I love your face and I'm on this ride w/you, no matter what. Keep us updated and check your email.
ReplyDeleteOh, honey. I don't know what to say, really. I'm sending so much hope that your body surprises you. Many, many ((hugs)). I'm here for you no matter what happens.
ReplyDeleteI hope that this is it for you- I can't believe it though! Can SRIM see you and do intralipid treatments? This is such a shocker- but I am hoping maybe it happened this way for a reason. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteoh wow Kelly. Your first paragraph could have been written by me. I know that feeling all too well.
ReplyDeleteMy fingers and toes and everything else are crossed for you. ((hugs))
WOW...I am excited and scared for you. I am crossing my fingers that things FINALLY work out for you!
ReplyDeleteWow, I definitely didn't expect to read that! I can't imagine going through so many losses and I imagine the fear would be awful, always waiting for things to go wrong. I truly, truly hope that this is not the case this time. That somehow this time things go right for you. You so deserve it my friend and I can't help but hope that this is it for you.
ReplyDeleteFingers crossed for you - because while I definitely understand the terror, I'm going to be hoping (so much!) that this one sticks and flourishes and is the one you get to keep. Even though it's scary - congratulations!
ReplyDeleteDear Kelly! I agree with you totally, IF and RPL are very different experiences. They both hurt incredibly, but they hurt differently. We had both IF and losses. I can totally relate, and I am not surprised the way you feel about this BFP. I would react similarly. Protecting yourself emotionally is the right thing to do. However, we are all here for you and holding on hope for you, that this one will bring you that long-deserved joy! Lot's of love your ways!
ReplyDeleteI hope this one is the one! It's got to be terrifying, but there's no way to avoid this part -- a successful outcome starts at the same place as an unsuccessful one. If I get a BFP this week, I'll be feeling some of the same things.
ReplyDeleteSending good thoughts your way. *hugs*
Just wanted to send some hugs. I hear you on not being ready to be excited and imagining the next miscarriage and how/when to deal with it. I'm hoping that this pregnancy goes well, but I'm here if it doesn't. You are in my heart and my prayers right now.
ReplyDeleteMore (((hugs))).
Oh, wow, Kelly...thinking of you and sending lots of positive energy and love and hope that this one is the one. You may have already thought of this, but how about getting in touch with your RE to get some progesterone support or, as Glass Case mentioned, intralipid treatments? I know it's scary, and what you say is so true about IF vs RPL...just take it moment by moment and remember to breathe - we're all here supporting you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
Maddy and Jess...to answer your questions.
ReplyDeleteI called SIRM right away on Friday. It's too late for infusions because they need to be started before implantation takes place. That freaked me out, but then I had to remember that my docs at Hershey don't agree with their use anyway, so, to them, this is a pregnancy that has just a good of chance as any to hold on. I have to buy into that thought (to keep my sanity).
Also, they checked my progesterone yesterday and it was good. They'll check it again on Wednesday. I've thought about asking for medication if the number hasn't risen though.
Thanks so much for your support!
Keeping hope alive for you. Fx.
ReplyDeleteI love ya girl and I hope more than anything in the entire world (and I really do mean that!) that this is the stickest bean.
ReplyDeleteYou are most definitely on my mind.
Oh WOW Kelly. First off, congrats. Secondly, I'll be praying you have a sticky baby for the next 9 months. Hang in there...
ReplyDeleteI know I haven't commented in a long while, but I just wanted to let you know I've been following and reading since last winter.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying. Now more than ever.
Being a RPL'er too, I anxiously hold joy for you. I wish you only the best, and that this one will be different. Hugs friend.
ReplyDeleteKelly,
ReplyDeleteI have a very dear friend that is going to SIRM in Dallas and she began her intralipid infusions after she got a positive (if I'm remembering correctly) and her betas were rising. Now, she did IVF and I don't know if that makes a difference? Could possibly be that one Dr's philosophy differs from another. Or, I could be terribly mistaken. I'm going to send her over here to your blog.
I'm so sorry that you are once again facing these fears and I am going to be praying like mad for you and your Hubby. This road has been so difficult for you and my heart aches for all that you have endured.
Much Love
xxx
I know you're scared and I'm praying that things are different this time. Stacey over at Stacey's Thoughts on Infertility, had 6 miscarriages over 9 years and infertility, and just gave birth to a healthy precious baby in September. Good things can happen!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you Kelly. Hoping for the best. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteCongrats! I am sorry this process has robbed you of your happiness. hopefully this will be the one.
ReplyDeleteWow, very cautiously optimistic for you! Thinking of you and sending you loads of healthy, strong energy!! Good luck :)
ReplyDeletePraying for you!!
ReplyDeleteOh wow Kelly. I am so happy and nervous for you all at the same time. My fingers are crossed and I sending you good luck sticky bean vibes!
ReplyDeletewow - that was the last thing i expected you to say! i'm wishing you good luck and holding onto hope for you (like other people are doing for me).
ReplyDeletexxx
(((Kelly))) I completely understand the nervous yet excited feeling. I'll be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteWell. Yay, but shit. That's great and that sucks. I hope this is it for you, but I know it might not be.
ReplyDeleteFuck RPL. Fuck it in its fucking face. (Can I cuss on your blog? Oh well, you know I cuss like a sailor on mine) I know exactly how you feel right now, so I'm not going to try and blow sunshine up your ass. Because I hate when people do that to me. I'll simply say this: I hope that you're wrong, and that this is the one that makes it. Because that's at least true.
I think this ties in so perfectly to your last post. It really, really sucks, it's like a 9 on the Suchter Scale, to not be able to be excited about getting pregnant. RPL robs us of not only (potentially) the ability or the perseverance to have a child, but it also robs pregnancy of any joy or excitement. It's so unfair. Grrr. Rarrrr. I'm so mad for you right now that this has to be your reaction to pregnancy.
Wow..wow..ok first of all many congratulations. This is insane and but be terrifying for you.
ReplyDeleteI hope that this one is different. I want this so badly for you.
Sending tons of support your way! We're all rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the RPL thing, that first paragraph could be the advertising campaign for RPL - describes it perfectly.
ReplyDeleteI dont know what to say, life sure throws curve balls doesn't it? I go with odds, for instance with RPL all I ever hear is that if I "keep trying" one will "stick". Well, here you are, you've had losses and so maybe this is the one that will stick. Good luck, Im with you on this journey as I await my 10 week scan to see if I've killed yet another one with the elusive Missed Miscarriage. Happy Holidays huh? x
Good luck to you. I really hope that this is the lucky one, but understand your thoughts. I'm hoping for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you - pregnancy number 5, too realistic to have much hope, wishing that it would end easily and quickly if it's going to end badly. Thinking of you, wishing some hope and a happy ending for both of us. Will be praying for you, praying that this time is different. (hugs)
ReplyDeleteHoly hell. I did not see this coming! What a wonderful unexpected surprise. As an RPL girl myself, I get how you are feeling right now. A BFP means little more to me than the start of a long process. I pray with all I have in me that this is the one for you.
ReplyDeleteAll my love
xxxx
Whoa, somehow I missed your post through my reader and found you via lfca instead... First things first- big hugs. I know this must be incredibly difficult for you. I honestly don't know what else to say, just know that I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteWhat wonderful news....
ReplyDeleteI remember each pregnancy after my 3rd loss and how I always hoped that "this one" would be the one to stick, 8 losses later I'm yet to come across one that "will" stick BUT I'm hoping and praying SO hard that "this one" is the one that does for you - it just HAS to.
xx
First, since I know it's nearly impossible for you to think this right now: Congratulations.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I'm so sorry you're having to go through the RPL mindf**k yet again. I truly hope that you get to bring this baby home. Sending hugs!
Congratulations, and hang in there. I, too, am a RPL girl (5 losses and I was done...). The terror involved with a pos. pg test is something no one should have to experience. But guess what? Sometimes they stick. I sit here at 36 weeks pg, proof that sometimes, when you least expect it, something good happens. Not that every day hasn't bee filled with panic. I feel almost grateful that I have a random complication (b/c it couldn't just be normal, could it universe?) and can deliver a month early. Get this baby out of me before my body does something to hurt it!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'll be thinking of you. Hang in there...
What a post. I hope this is it for you.
ReplyDeleteI've been there, too ... and am now 29 weeks pregnant. I won't lie; it's been a long, very anxious ride the entire time,and I know it's not over yet. I will hope for a sticky little one for you, this time ... and I'll hope that you can try to breathe and think positive thoughts, too.
ReplyDeleteHoly shit...I don't know what to say...
ReplyDeleteI am so hoping that there are some meds that can help keep this kid growing inside you. I cannot imagine how terrified you must be. I want to say congrats, but am afraid to. We are all going to be on pins and needles these next few weeks hoping that this is a hearty little bean.
HUGS
Oh Kelly! I am hopeful for you. I understand the fear (boy, do I). And the strangeness of this happening now when you have decided to step back from things. But life has a funny way of deciding things for us sometimes. And I am hoping hoping hoping that this is it.
ReplyDeletewholly shit, kelly!! i am so hoping that this is the one for you. i know that i felt the exact same way that you do now when i found out that my ivf worked. getting past the milestone dates in the pregnancy were so hard for me. i just woke up everyday and tried to make a consious decision to just "be pregnant" that day. i know how hard that is and i failed more times than not ... but somedays it worked.
ReplyDeletei am crossing everything for you and hoping like hell this is the one. you so deserve it, kelly...
Oh wow - I have everything crossed for you. I really hope this will work. Sending you thoughts and prayers and everything I have. As you can see by all these comments, we are all behind you and holding your hand during this process - every day.
ReplyDeleteOh man I hope and pray this is the one. Double check about those intralipids, different docs say different things. Mine says intralipids after a positive beta. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI am praying that this is your sticky baby. RPL sucks and i truly hope that you get to take this baby home with you.
ReplyDeleteKelly, what craziness! Of course I'm sure you've heard many RPL stories where one little bean just decided to stick after many didn't--I'm praying so hard that this is yours! Are you going to your RE to see if there's anything you should do to help it along?
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, I can only imagine how hard it must be to even hope this right now, but...I am hoping for you that this time is IT!
ReplyDeleteWow! I will be following... and praying. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteOh, I completely understand your fear. I know that it is such a scary time and is so hard to believe that things could possibly go right. But I hope that this time is different, and that everything goes your way, and that this is the start of something wonderful. It just has to be! Hang in there, and I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI really hope this time is different for you.
ReplyDeleteWowzers! It really is a roller coaster ride, isn't it?! Hang in there. Your perspective on the difference between RPL and IF is interesting. I don't have RPL, but I am so terrified right now that something bad is going to happen that I am not really enjoying things, so I can relate to your feelings.
ReplyDeleteI'll be keeping you in my thoughts that everything continues to go well.
You are in my thoughts. I REALLY hope that this time is different and that you have your miracle in the end. Big hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI am over the moon, completely and utterly excited and FULL OF JOY for you!!! I can also still remember and taste the fear and worry from my pregnancy...
ReplyDeleteit will be hard, but you can do it. One day, one hour at a time.
Praying... and praying some more.
love,
ebe
wow!!!! I'm praying so incredibly hard for you that this is it!!! I completely understand you being a nervous wreck. I'm thinking every positive thought I can for you & sending lots of hugs!!!!
ReplyDeleteCONGRATULATIONS!!!! I've been lurking for awhile, so this seems like a good time to speak up! I'm also a recurrent miscarriage 'gal, so I understand the fear. Completely.
ReplyDeleteAll my fingers and toes are crossed for you!
Steph
Community Manager/Consultant, Attain Fertility