It's Official

Today, this afternoon, at 4pm, I've officially made it farther than I have in any of my other four pregnancies. I'm 6w2d and haven't had any problems. I went to the bathroom today more times that I can count, each time faithfully performing my TP inspection. Each time still not believing it.

I know that it's still so early. I know that something still could go wrong. But, for now, I'm happy. Happy is an understatement. I'm blubbering like a crazy person. I can't help it. My dogs are looking at me like I'm nuts.

Thanks for understanding and being there.

Please

I've been so proud of myself. Mr SC commented yesterday also that never in a million years would he have expected me to be like this this time around.


Relaxed. Calm. Not freaking out.


For the record, I've only cried once. I think that's pretty damn good, considering the circumstances.


Today though, I'm six weeks pregnant.


In three of my four losses, I didn't make it to this point without any problems. In my most recent miscarriage in the spring, I started spotting at 6w2d. That's Tuesday. This Tuesday.


I had a dream last night. In all of my losses, I had dreams that I miscarried. The dream last night was very different.


I had a baby. I'm not sure if it was a baby girl or boy but the baby was only a few months old and the dream was me juggling the regular household things (cooking, work for school), baby it tow. The baby also had an ear infection and I was running around trying to find a pediatrician.

Please universe. Powers that be. God. Buddha. Someone. Please let there be a heart beating inside me, other than my own. Please let that little heart keep beating strong until my child dies at the age of ninety years old.


Please let me hold our baby in my arms in July.

Parenting?

I know that this title and the subject of this post may seem odd, coming from someone who is infertile and doesn't have a child. However, Mr SC and I encoutered a couple of things over the last few days that left us scratching our heads. I thought I'd throw it out there to see what others say. I know I'm being judgemental here, which makes me feel icky. I guess one of the reasons I'm putting this out there is to help me see the other side (is there one?)

As my disclaimer, I know that when I am a mom, I will make mistakes. Tons of them. I also know there are different viewpoints out there about how to best handle things. Again, this is why I'm posting here.

Situation #1: Mr SC and I are at a restaurant last Wednesday. There's a couple there with a young girl (I'd say about seven). At their dinner table (well, the restaurant table) is a DVD player, playing a movie, in front of the young girl. The couple is talking and not really interacting with child. She is then running around the table, not eating her food, etc. etc.

Situation #2: Mr SC and I are at the Pen.n State football game yesterday. For those of you who aren't familiar with the stadium, it seats 108,000 people. It gets loud and rowdy. Young girl (who is about seven) is playing a game the entire football game on an ipad looking device. She is oblivous to what's going on around her and is only content when someone else is playing game with her.

Thoughts?

Thankful

Yep, I'm getting on the "thankful" bandwagon, too. In all seriousness though, I'm the kind of person who tries to reflect regularly on what I'm thankful for. It's one of the main things that's helped me get through our RPL. I thought I'd post things here and I've decided to only post about things non-TTC related.

1. Flowers and my garden. This is going to sound incredibly lame, but every plant that I plant, every flower that blooms and every pumpkin that grows in our garden I'm thankful for. It amazes me that I have a knack for growing things and how beautiful nature is.

2. My dogs. Back in 2003, I rescued my black lab mix (or, according to the doggie DNA kit that I did...my westie and chow chow mix) the day I moved into my new apartment (that I selected because I liked but also because it allowed dogs). Lewie (short for King Louis XIX, which is the next one in line in France) has been there for me through all life's ups and downs. I love that dog. We also rescured our yellow lab, Nittany, together a couple of years ago. She's an amazing dog for all sorts of different reasons. It's amazing just how different doggie personalities can be.

3. Having a job that I love. I'm a high school social studies teacher. I teach 9th grade U.S. history and 12th grade AP U.S. Government. In this economy, I'm thankful to have a job, period. I'm also thankful though that every morning when I get up, I get to do something that I enjoy.

4. My ability to think. Now, this one can get me in trouble sometimes, but I love the way my mind works (when I'm not obsessing over TTC, that is). I'm not afraid to question. I'm always learning and seeking new information. And, although I hate to say this, but I'm thankful for being relatively intelligent.

5. The roof over our heads. We aren't wealthy. At. all. We don't have much. I have a half decent amount of credit card debt. Yet, every month we're still able to pay our bills, save and also are fairly able travel.

6. The internet. This is something that I think about almost every day. I remember distinctly when I was in college and it was first readily available (remember, I'm 36!). As a teacher, I can't imagine life without it.

7. My mom. My mom is my best friend and, if I'm being honest, she's one of the reasons that I want to have a child. Not to "give" her a grandchild, but because of the bond that she and I have.

8. Mr SC. :)

This is a pretty boring list...the standard, if you will. It felt good to write it all down, though.

Not a Label that I'm Comfortable With

Pregnant. It's not. With four losses under our belts, it's hard to even think of myself as pregnant. Is it because I'm in disbelief? Denial? Am I trying to detach myself because I think it will be less painful when it doesn't work out? I don't know.

So far, I'm fine. Makes sense if I'm in denial about being pregnant, doesn't it? The only time that's difficult is at night. That's when I use the progesterone gel (which, I don't know why it's called gel, but that's another thing) and Mr SC gives me my shot. I shiver. He thinks it's just because I'm cold from the ice on my stomach. Nope. It's in those few moments of the day that I allow myself to think about being pregnant. Getting through today will be a small milesetone for me. I'm 5w2d and I was this far with pregnancy #3 when I started spotting. That was our first yes it's fine-no it's not-yes it is-no it's not-oh, there's a hearbeat-you're miscarrying roller coaster.

Mr SC and I are leaving shortly to head to the Pocono.s. The EDD from our first miscarriage is on the 25th. We went away last year, to completely be by ourselves. We also decided to flee the scene because we wanted something to look forward to (the travel) rather than dwelling on the calendar. It was still difficult, but it made it easier. We rented a cabin on the lake this year and have reservations for dinner on Thanksgiving that we're both looking forward to.

Decision, Update and ICLW

I'd like to say welcome to anyone visiting my blog from ICLW! I'm Kelly and my husband (referred to here as Mr SC) and I have been trying for our first child since July 2008. The whole story is on the right, but the scorecard so far is pregnancies: 4 babies: TBD. Up until a few weeks ago, that would have been zero. But, I need to mention up front that we found out I was pregnant a week ago (I'm now five weeks), so this blog has a different focus now than my "three words" I gave when I signed up for ICLW.

I saw my RE this morning for my last HCG and progesterone check. We also talked about my 1st u/s that she was looking at for 12/2 (and I had talked about before). I told her that Mr SC and I would like to wait until 12/9. I'll be 7.5 weeks and it will be less ambiguous. She agreed. So, I won't be going back in until then.

My progesterone is lower. It's still within normal range and my RE thinks it's just fine, but I freaked out. She tried to explain that it can fluctuate, it is still normal, etc. etc. I feel badly, but I wasn't listening. She then said that she knew me and knew I would react this way so she would put me on progesteron.e. She stressed that she doesn't think I need it, but she knows with my RPL that it would help for me to have peace of mind and it can't hurt. I have gel (this should be fun) and thankfully, my insurance covers it.

Not an earth-shattering post, but I wanted to update.

I hope that everyone is having a good weekend.

Happenings

Before I even begin talking about anything else, I have to say thank you times a million for all of your support. I was really scared about blogging about being pregnant. There are just such amazing people in this community and that means so much to me.

Mr SC and I went to therapy together for the first time last night. I've been going myself for over a year and I thought it would be helpful for Mr SC to go, too. My therapist referred us to another therapist and I was a little hesitant. Mr SC doesn't talk much, so, well therapy??

When we started out and she asked us what brings us...I started and Mr SC asked if I minded if he explained. I almost fell over. It went really well and I'm glad. We're going to be going once a month. After that hour, I can honestly say I love Mr SC a little more than I did when we walked through those doors.

So far with #5, so good. My second set of betas just came back and my doubling time is 40 hours. I'm set to have one more check either Saturday or Monday.

I did talk to the doctor today to ask if there was anything else I could be doing. He's checking my progesterone again on Saturday/Monday and he reassured me that it's great for where I am. I asked him if there was anything else that I could be doing and he said no. I know some of you suggested things, but I really feel like at this point, I have to trust him. Of course, I'll ask the different doctor I see the next time I go in, just to be sure. :) They'd like me to have an ultrasound on 12/2. It's a little later than they usually do it but we know that it will best to hold off a bit for my own sanity. Problem with that date is, well, first...I'll only be 6.5 weeks. Second, it's the EDD from the baby we lost in May (#4).

I'm doing well, too. I can't obsess. I can't freak out. What's the point? It's just going to get me all worked up, which won't be helpful to anyone.

Well, This Should Be Interesting

IF and RPL throw different curve balls for us to deal with. The end is still the same...we both don't have babies that we so desperately want in our arms. What we're dealing with though is often so different. After multiple failed pregnancies, RPL takes the joy and elation of seeing a BFP away. The only real feeling that comes with it is that "oh, shit" feeling. The anxiety. The paralyzing fear. The feeling that every moment of every day is a lifetime.

Someone who is struggling to get pregnant and is pursuing fertility treatments would give anything to see that BFP. The treatments and the cycle after cycle of stark white spaces on pregnancy tests hurt a little more each time one is staring you in the face.

I've struggled with posting this for a few days, because of my last two posts about our decision to stop trying and my fears. I've also struggled with this post because I can't believe we're in this place. Yet, I don't know how to not post this.

So, here it is. I'm pregnant. Pregnancy number five. We are so scared shitless that we can't even allow ourselves to think about it. I got a positive at 12DPO (on Friday) and my first set of betas were yesterday and those were good. The only reason I tested at all was that I didn't have any signs at all that AF was arriving and I woke up that morning, looking forward to getting my hair highlighted that night. When I realized that AF didn't feel like she was coming, I thought that as much as I didn't think that I was pregnant, I should test to just be sure. I can honestly say though that taking that test, I thought the chances of me seeing a positive were about as high as me winning the lottery. Hell, I even was on my way out the door for school and decided to take the damn test with me to school for when I had to go again.

I'm already thinking that when I start spotting, I hope it's at week six, just like it was every other time, since I will be off of school. I'm already thinking that when I miscarry again, that I hope it's a missed miscarriage like before, so that I can deal with the physical aspect over winter break, so I don't have to miss any more school.

So, there it is.

Fears

Since Mr SC and I had our talk and reached our decision on Thursday, I've felt the most conflicting emotions.

Relief. Sadness. Fear.

Why relief? Although I have talked to my therapist about it extensively and blogged about it, I was fearful in the back of my mind that I would never be ready for trying again. Give it time, I heard. I was reassured that my feelings were normal. The weird part is that I never felt any closer to being ready. If anything, I felt more disconnected from it. I'm relieved that we reached this decision, that I was able to be honest with myself and help make this decision.

Sadness...this one is obvious, but it's a different kind of sadness. It's not a paralyzing, gut-wrenching sadness. It's more a kind of pain for what could have been, not with my losses that already happened, but what could have been had we tried again. I'm also sad about what the person that I was and am disgusted with myself that I wasn't able to cope with things better.

In the back of my mind, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm weak. Others have endured so much more than we have, yet we decided that this was the end of the road. I don't want to be perceived as a quitter. We also have a diagnosis with my elevated NK cells, which is more than many couples get to have. Although it's controversial, there is treatment. What's wrong with us that we aren't willing to try it? I'm afraid that I'll buy into society's stereotype that the only "family" is one with a couple and a child. I'm afraid that we'll be considered less of a couple because we don't have the "bond" of a child. I'm afraid that people who know what we've been through (many do, to varying degrees) will realize that we aren't having a child and will always look at us with pity. I'm afraid that Mr SC made this decision because he wants to make me happy and isn't thinking about himself and will resent me.

Writing it all down, most of what I'm afraid of involves how others will perceive us. This isn't even logical, since no one knows (aside from my bloggy friends, our parents and my dear friend, Kelly) about our NK cells and it's not like we're going to make our decision a topic of conversation over dinner. I told my mom and Mr SC will tell his mom and, well, Kelly will find out when if she reads my blog. Still, something that consumes so much of you, well, if it's all that's racing around in your head it's so strange to know that on the outside, people have no idea. I'm always fearful that people will look at me, know, and judge.

I guess I'm afraid that those fears will become how I feel and instead of struggling with them, they're take over in my head.

I've been thinking of a way to memorialize our losses and what could have been and I think I've decided on getting a pinky ring. It will be a symbol of the four lives that we lost, the end of that chapter of our lives and our commitment to each other for the future. I haven't picked it out yet, because I know that I'll know it when I see it.

Thanks so much everyone for your kindness and support and I hope when I do blog, that you'll keep stopping by.

The End...For Now

This may turn into a long post. My apologies if it does.

I've been at home the last few days, sick. Blech I've felt like crap. I kept the TV off and have been reading. Yesterday I finished a book and today I started The Rea.ding Group. It's a book about women who participate in a book club and about their lives. That makes it sound so bland but it's been great.

That is, until the author introduced the character, "Clare".

Clare and her husband both share their stories about their lives, their marriage, etc. They both are always sad and never feel like they're living. Clare's husband reveals that they've endured five miscarriages (or maybe more because he feels like he's lost count) and, it goes into great lengths about how their marriage and also, they themselves, have died a little bit more inside every time Clare lost a baby.

I still can't believe I kept reading the book. A month ago, I wouldn't have. I cry, but it's ok. Clare talks about how the calendar is filled with "unbirthdays" and riddled with other dates that are horrible reminders of what should have been.

God, her name should have just been Kelly. I can identify with her so much.

I just really allowed myself to think today, all warm and toasty with my two dogs in bed. Although I may blog when I'm upset, I'm feeling stronger and more like myself every day. Mr SC and I are getting back to our old selves, more and more, every day.

When I called the doc at SIRM last week for my consultation, I truly had a breakdown before I talked to the doctor. I could barely pull myself together. I just kept saying, "I don't want to do this again."

We will never, ever be over what happened and what we lost. Never. But, Mr SC and I ended up having a long talk that he initiated. Maybe he's practicing for therapy. :) I don't know. But I look at it like this. Mr SC has had several knee surgeries. His knee will never be the same and, well, it will always hurt a little bit. Some days, it's a dull ache. Other days it hurts more. It's not excruciating pain though like it was when he got injured or how it felt right after surgery.

We don't want to lose ourselves. We don't want to lose our marriage. Mr SC doesn't want to go skiing, because hell, his knee will get torn up again and why do something that he knows will only cause him incredible pain?

We're on an indefinite break. Now, you may think that that's what we're doing now. True, but we were looking at December, with daily shots of Loven.ox and the intralipid infusions. Now, it's indefinitely put off.

And we both feel like an incredible weight has been lifted from our shoulders.

If we were younger and had more time, perhaps things would be different. Perhaps after a few years, we could journey down that road again. The reality is though that Mr SC and I met when we were 33 and time isn't on our side.

But it is. We're choosing to take our lives back and live our lives. Life's too short. We're tired of being caught in the roller coaster of trying and, well, for now...we've decided to get out of line for the ride and walk, hand-in-hand around the park for a while.