One Step Closer

Great appointment today...little lion is measuring right on target at 10w 5d! Our next appointment will be with a high-risk doctor (because of my history, Factor V/MTHFR and age), which will be a couple of weeks.

Whether you are excited to give 2010 a swift kick in the ass or are looking forward to 2011, Happy New Year!

One of Them

Today was my first OB appointment. The place where I'm going has you meet with a nurse practitioner first who goes over things very thoroughly (I was with her for over an hour) and then the next appt is with a doctor, who checks the HB, etc. In all honesty, I wasn't told anything that I didn't already know today, which was fine. Mr SC didn't have any time left to take off to go along, but decided at the last minute to take time without pay to go with me

When I stepped off the elevator, I instinctively turned and entered the RE's office. Mr SC says no, Kelly, this way...as he points me in the direction of the OB.

Turning the other direction felt so weird.

In the waiting room, there were no fewer than nine pregnant women, in all states of pregnancy. After a few had entered the room, I leaned over to Mr SC and said, "There's so many pregnant people." He looked at me like I was from another planet. So, I got out my phone and texted the same thing to a good friend. She said, "yes, and you're one of them!"

I don't feel like one of them. I feel like a sham.

After the nurse started going through my medical history, it got worse. Miscarriages. When. How far along was I. She hadn't ever heard of MTHFR. She just kept writing and writing. Then the question, "and what did you do differently this pregnancy that things are working?"

I wanted to say, "no fucki.ng clue", yet I realize that the f-bomb still hasn't become entirely socially acceptable. I smiled uneasily and replied, "got lucky". She smiled back and said that sometimes that's all it takes! Oh yeah, and did I get pregnant from relaxing, too?

I felt worse and worse.

I reached the point of no return when she was telling me about the classes they have and that they have one where they group women together with similar due dates to, "experience pregnancy together". She was explaining how you meet other women who are going through exactly what you are going through...

I wanted to scream. Yeah? These women are going to have had multiple miscarriages? They're all going to be paralyzed with fear instead of deliriously, obliviously happy? I don't think so.

She must have sensed that I wasn't ok and started talking to me. I feel badly, but I was beyond talking to. She said how she knew that many women who are released from the RE go through what I am and especially after losses, need the reassurance. She then said, "just you wait until after they're born! It only gets worse!"

She also then said about the wonderful things my body was doing, right now, to create a strong and healthy baby. In my head, I argued back....oh yeah? It didn't do what it was supposed to do the last four times! And, how do you know it's doing what it's supposed to do?

Doesn't she realize that having a baby is such a foreign concept that I can't even imagine having an actual child? I believe in my heart that this pregnancy is going to work out but I left so upset and shaken that it took me hours to be able to even talk about it. I also was reluctant to blog about it. I know that I'm lucky to be pregnant. Please don't take this post as me complaining. It's not. I just didn't realize simply going to the OB for the first time would be so hard and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

So Far, So Good

I've been trying to get caught up on reading posts, but for the most part, what I've read so far sounds like most of you were able to have at least a not-so-bad holiday and many of you are enjoying snow! I'm jealous. We were supposed to get 6-10 inches and ended up getting nothing. :(

My Christm.as Eve was odd. It was the first time I was around SIL's baby (the one I shared an EDD with) for any period of time. It was also odd because I was completely not under any sort of medication or adult beverage influence. I survived and didn't break down, thankfully.

This week I have two appointments (Thursday and Friday) with my new OB. Thursday is the NP and Friday is the doctor. They squeezed me in and moved things up a bit since I have off this week. Call me insane, but I'm really looking forward to it.

I also have a question, related to this pregnancy (so if you want to stop reading...)
I'm 10w 1d today and aside from my stomach feeling icky on and off and feeling tired, I'm doing well. Apparently my bbs are doing well also. My BIL asked us if I was pregnant. We ended up telling him and I asked why he thought I was. He said um, physical changes which he told Mr SC were my bbs being bigger. Some of you may be offended by this, but it's BIL and it's ok.

Anyway, my question is this...the only "food" that I'm having trouble with is water. I used to drink about seven cups a day. Now, water just makes my stomach feel even sloshier and gross. Any suggestions for how to make this more tolerable?

You're in My Thoughts

All of you, during the holidays. I'm hoping that somehow you are each able to carve out a little bit of happiness during the next few days.

What Is Wrong With People???

Mr SC and I often share a computer. So, this morning, I did some dishes, put in a load of wash, got a glass of juice and sat down to read blogs, check out FB (you know, the usual stuff). When I pull up FB, hubs is logged in. Ok, fine. This allows me to see his wall however and is the root of my frustration this morning.

Mr SC has a stepbrother. Stepbrother has been arrested for DUI several times and assault. He barely can hold a job, is recently divorced from his wife (they married when they were 20, when he was still using drugs regularly) and now is in an on-again, off-again relationship where he stars as the abuser in the relationship. (Seriously. The last time they were "off", the ex posted online about how glad she was to be free of all the violence and abuse.)

Of course, he has two children. They're great kids, in spite of everything. They're 14 and 12, I believe. Stepbrother is 35. He had just posted a new pic of his two kids with his sister's 1 year old (in case you don't remember, this is the stepSIL who shared my original due date with me from my first miscarriage).

There's this whole string of comments with his pics. It's an exchange of about four people. Some of the comments are:

"I'm so glad I started early! I'm almost free in my 30's!"
"Yes, no old parent bullshit for me! "
"Yes, child will be going to college next year. I'm 35 and free!" (for the record, I had this child in class and there is no hope of said child going to college)
"Why would you want to still have kids in your 50's?"

I am livid. First, why do people make statements like believing when their child is 18 they are "free"? Really, stepbrother? Your dad hasn't been bailing you out repeatedly with money, driving you to work when you lost your license, etc? Um, the last time I checked, this was still going on last year and you are in your 30's!

Also, it just seems so careless to me. Sure, you can have a child physically (and technically) at 17 (or earlier) but really...what can you offer that child? But hey, it's worth it because you can party in your 30's!

The kicker...stepbrother's status update is how his son starts junior high wrestling season today with an all day tournament. His words? "JH wrestling season with an all day tourney today and I'm going hungover. Should make for a long day"

WHO SAYS THAT??

Wow

Mr SC and I are just beside ourselves! Our little Nitt.any Lion is measuring 8w5d (right on target) and has a HB of 178!!!

We still can't believe this is actually happening.

We were released from the RE today, which was bittersweet. The nurse that always is with us and the RE both hugged us and the nurse started crying after hugging me after the u/s. I could not have asked for more compassionate and wonderful doctors.

For the first time, we were given a due date by the doctor! July 25th. :)

Thank you for all of the well wishes, prayers and thoughts!

I Feel Badly For My Dogs (Updated)

**Just wanted to let you know that my u/s is tomorrow morning (not today).

My black lab mix, Lewie, is eight. He can be active and crazy but he's also perfectly happy laying with me. Then, there's Nitt.any. She's the three year old yellow lab who runs, plays and fetches until she collapses. I usually make it my duty to come home from school, grab the Chuck.It and take the dogs outside. What's a Chuck.It? Well, it's a long grabber thing that lets you pick up a tennis ball and hurl it far in the air, all without touching the slobbery mess of the ball. All the while Nitt.any is fetching, Lewie waits for her to come back to me. What does he do? He jumps on Nittan.y's and humps her. Yep. It's hilarious. Sometimes he jumps on her back, sometimes it's her side...it really doesn't matter. He keeps going (a few seconds) until I throw the ball again and then he dismounts.

It's been so frigid outside I haven't been playing with them. I come home from school and take a nap because I'm so exhausted and the dogs get neglected. I call them up into bed with me though, which makes them happy.

In a little more than 36 hours, I'll know if I still have a strong little HB in there. The office opens at eight and people are on the schedule but they take you in the order you arrive. I can guarantee you I'll be there by 7:15am.

Significant Others and Better Now

Significant Others: I've been thinking quite some time about how the men in our lives handle all of this. 95% of dealing with infertility rests with the female. Even if there is a diagnosis of MFI, the treatments, procedures, screenings aren't nearly as extensive (or invasive, imho) as for females. Do you think that makes this all easier for them or more difficult for them (or just different)? Even if males have difficulty with things, where do they turn for support? If women don't talk about IF IRL, males talk about it even less. I think there are only two blogs that I follow where males are the authors. How on earth do they cope without a support system?
____________________________________________________________________
Better Now: I loved all the funny things that you posted and the things that you shared that you loved. :) I laughed hard for a while and the distraction certainly helped!

Things are better. I did also want to tell you that I could go in for a scan any day (weekends, too). They have time set aside each morning for patients that can just drop in. However, I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be able to be better in my head without having to see an u/s. For now, I just have to wait for more days.

Overall, too, I'm feeling good. I've only felt as if I were going to be sick a few times, but my stomach never feels good. It almost feels like I drank sour milk or something. The only time it feels better is when I eat. I'm having trouble with that, though. Food isn't particularly appealing, except for tomato sauce. I eat spaghetti of some form at least once a day.

Me and My Fu**ed Up Head

Yes, I do realize that the title isn't grammatically correct.

I need to get this out. I've been thinking about it and have been trying to work through it, but to no avail. So, here I am.

I am so nervous. I can't think of myself as pregnant. Even though in three of my other four losses I was "behind" on my first u/s, we were told (somehow, to some degree) that it could all be fine and to come back in a week for a follow-up.

I can't help but think that my little bean's heart has stopped beating. I have no reason to think this. I'm not having any problems...at all. Of course though, in my head, I figure that's because I'm on proges.terone and that's what stopping the inevitable spotting that would have occurred by now if I weren't on it.

It doesn't help that I stopped my Lex.apro after last week's good news. But, I then think that the fact that I'm allowing myself to have these bad thoughts is because something bad's happened and I just don't know it yet. After all, my ultra-calm state proved to be for a reason last week? Maybe I know this time, deep down.

One more week to go...

So, it remains to be seen if writing it out has actually helped. I don't know if there's any helping me. If you've read my ramblings to this point, post a comment about something you love. Or a funny story. Or something that no one knows about you. Or the soap op.era you watch.

The Most Beautiful Sound I've Ever Heard

was my baby's heartbeat this morning!!!!!!! I wasn't supposed to go in until next Thursday. We were concerned that at 6.5 weeks, it could cause too much concern. This morning though, I just had to go in. I've been fine. This morning though I just kept thinking about how could I make the choice to not know? I was already dressed for school, had mismatched socks on under my boots (lovely for my u/s) and haven't shaved my legs in forever. My RE laughed at me when she patted my leg and told me she had the heartbeat already and I apologized profusely for my fur.

My little nitta.ny lio.n is measuring right on target (a first at this stage for me) and has a heartbeat of 130BPM! :)

Dear Fertile Facebo.ok Idiot,

You have two kids already. You wanted another. Ta da! You got pregnant. You aren't having any problems. Goodie for you. Please though, don't be so ignorant as to post this for your status:

"Things I'd like for my bir.thday... surro.gate (I know its a little late for this), live in na.nny, ability to lose all my baby weight the day after labor! If you can send these gifts my way this year. ;0)"


Yours truly,

All of the infertile women out there who would give their right arm to be where you are right now

It's Official

Today, this afternoon, at 4pm, I've officially made it farther than I have in any of my other four pregnancies. I'm 6w2d and haven't had any problems. I went to the bathroom today more times that I can count, each time faithfully performing my TP inspection. Each time still not believing it.

I know that it's still so early. I know that something still could go wrong. But, for now, I'm happy. Happy is an understatement. I'm blubbering like a crazy person. I can't help it. My dogs are looking at me like I'm nuts.

Thanks for understanding and being there.

Please

I've been so proud of myself. Mr SC commented yesterday also that never in a million years would he have expected me to be like this this time around.


Relaxed. Calm. Not freaking out.


For the record, I've only cried once. I think that's pretty damn good, considering the circumstances.


Today though, I'm six weeks pregnant.


In three of my four losses, I didn't make it to this point without any problems. In my most recent miscarriage in the spring, I started spotting at 6w2d. That's Tuesday. This Tuesday.


I had a dream last night. In all of my losses, I had dreams that I miscarried. The dream last night was very different.


I had a baby. I'm not sure if it was a baby girl or boy but the baby was only a few months old and the dream was me juggling the regular household things (cooking, work for school), baby it tow. The baby also had an ear infection and I was running around trying to find a pediatrician.

Please universe. Powers that be. God. Buddha. Someone. Please let there be a heart beating inside me, other than my own. Please let that little heart keep beating strong until my child dies at the age of ninety years old.


Please let me hold our baby in my arms in July.

Parenting?

I know that this title and the subject of this post may seem odd, coming from someone who is infertile and doesn't have a child. However, Mr SC and I encoutered a couple of things over the last few days that left us scratching our heads. I thought I'd throw it out there to see what others say. I know I'm being judgemental here, which makes me feel icky. I guess one of the reasons I'm putting this out there is to help me see the other side (is there one?)

As my disclaimer, I know that when I am a mom, I will make mistakes. Tons of them. I also know there are different viewpoints out there about how to best handle things. Again, this is why I'm posting here.

Situation #1: Mr SC and I are at a restaurant last Wednesday. There's a couple there with a young girl (I'd say about seven). At their dinner table (well, the restaurant table) is a DVD player, playing a movie, in front of the young girl. The couple is talking and not really interacting with child. She is then running around the table, not eating her food, etc. etc.

Situation #2: Mr SC and I are at the Pen.n State football game yesterday. For those of you who aren't familiar with the stadium, it seats 108,000 people. It gets loud and rowdy. Young girl (who is about seven) is playing a game the entire football game on an ipad looking device. She is oblivous to what's going on around her and is only content when someone else is playing game with her.

Thoughts?

Thankful

Yep, I'm getting on the "thankful" bandwagon, too. In all seriousness though, I'm the kind of person who tries to reflect regularly on what I'm thankful for. It's one of the main things that's helped me get through our RPL. I thought I'd post things here and I've decided to only post about things non-TTC related.

1. Flowers and my garden. This is going to sound incredibly lame, but every plant that I plant, every flower that blooms and every pumpkin that grows in our garden I'm thankful for. It amazes me that I have a knack for growing things and how beautiful nature is.

2. My dogs. Back in 2003, I rescued my black lab mix (or, according to the doggie DNA kit that I did...my westie and chow chow mix) the day I moved into my new apartment (that I selected because I liked but also because it allowed dogs). Lewie (short for King Louis XIX, which is the next one in line in France) has been there for me through all life's ups and downs. I love that dog. We also rescured our yellow lab, Nittany, together a couple of years ago. She's an amazing dog for all sorts of different reasons. It's amazing just how different doggie personalities can be.

3. Having a job that I love. I'm a high school social studies teacher. I teach 9th grade U.S. history and 12th grade AP U.S. Government. In this economy, I'm thankful to have a job, period. I'm also thankful though that every morning when I get up, I get to do something that I enjoy.

4. My ability to think. Now, this one can get me in trouble sometimes, but I love the way my mind works (when I'm not obsessing over TTC, that is). I'm not afraid to question. I'm always learning and seeking new information. And, although I hate to say this, but I'm thankful for being relatively intelligent.

5. The roof over our heads. We aren't wealthy. At. all. We don't have much. I have a half decent amount of credit card debt. Yet, every month we're still able to pay our bills, save and also are fairly able travel.

6. The internet. This is something that I think about almost every day. I remember distinctly when I was in college and it was first readily available (remember, I'm 36!). As a teacher, I can't imagine life without it.

7. My mom. My mom is my best friend and, if I'm being honest, she's one of the reasons that I want to have a child. Not to "give" her a grandchild, but because of the bond that she and I have.

8. Mr SC. :)

This is a pretty boring list...the standard, if you will. It felt good to write it all down, though.

Not a Label that I'm Comfortable With

Pregnant. It's not. With four losses under our belts, it's hard to even think of myself as pregnant. Is it because I'm in disbelief? Denial? Am I trying to detach myself because I think it will be less painful when it doesn't work out? I don't know.

So far, I'm fine. Makes sense if I'm in denial about being pregnant, doesn't it? The only time that's difficult is at night. That's when I use the progesterone gel (which, I don't know why it's called gel, but that's another thing) and Mr SC gives me my shot. I shiver. He thinks it's just because I'm cold from the ice on my stomach. Nope. It's in those few moments of the day that I allow myself to think about being pregnant. Getting through today will be a small milesetone for me. I'm 5w2d and I was this far with pregnancy #3 when I started spotting. That was our first yes it's fine-no it's not-yes it is-no it's not-oh, there's a hearbeat-you're miscarrying roller coaster.

Mr SC and I are leaving shortly to head to the Pocono.s. The EDD from our first miscarriage is on the 25th. We went away last year, to completely be by ourselves. We also decided to flee the scene because we wanted something to look forward to (the travel) rather than dwelling on the calendar. It was still difficult, but it made it easier. We rented a cabin on the lake this year and have reservations for dinner on Thanksgiving that we're both looking forward to.

Decision, Update and ICLW

I'd like to say welcome to anyone visiting my blog from ICLW! I'm Kelly and my husband (referred to here as Mr SC) and I have been trying for our first child since July 2008. The whole story is on the right, but the scorecard so far is pregnancies: 4 babies: TBD. Up until a few weeks ago, that would have been zero. But, I need to mention up front that we found out I was pregnant a week ago (I'm now five weeks), so this blog has a different focus now than my "three words" I gave when I signed up for ICLW.

I saw my RE this morning for my last HCG and progesterone check. We also talked about my 1st u/s that she was looking at for 12/2 (and I had talked about before). I told her that Mr SC and I would like to wait until 12/9. I'll be 7.5 weeks and it will be less ambiguous. She agreed. So, I won't be going back in until then.

My progesterone is lower. It's still within normal range and my RE thinks it's just fine, but I freaked out. She tried to explain that it can fluctuate, it is still normal, etc. etc. I feel badly, but I wasn't listening. She then said that she knew me and knew I would react this way so she would put me on progesteron.e. She stressed that she doesn't think I need it, but she knows with my RPL that it would help for me to have peace of mind and it can't hurt. I have gel (this should be fun) and thankfully, my insurance covers it.

Not an earth-shattering post, but I wanted to update.

I hope that everyone is having a good weekend.

Happenings

Before I even begin talking about anything else, I have to say thank you times a million for all of your support. I was really scared about blogging about being pregnant. There are just such amazing people in this community and that means so much to me.

Mr SC and I went to therapy together for the first time last night. I've been going myself for over a year and I thought it would be helpful for Mr SC to go, too. My therapist referred us to another therapist and I was a little hesitant. Mr SC doesn't talk much, so, well therapy??

When we started out and she asked us what brings us...I started and Mr SC asked if I minded if he explained. I almost fell over. It went really well and I'm glad. We're going to be going once a month. After that hour, I can honestly say I love Mr SC a little more than I did when we walked through those doors.

So far with #5, so good. My second set of betas just came back and my doubling time is 40 hours. I'm set to have one more check either Saturday or Monday.

I did talk to the doctor today to ask if there was anything else I could be doing. He's checking my progesterone again on Saturday/Monday and he reassured me that it's great for where I am. I asked him if there was anything else that I could be doing and he said no. I know some of you suggested things, but I really feel like at this point, I have to trust him. Of course, I'll ask the different doctor I see the next time I go in, just to be sure. :) They'd like me to have an ultrasound on 12/2. It's a little later than they usually do it but we know that it will best to hold off a bit for my own sanity. Problem with that date is, well, first...I'll only be 6.5 weeks. Second, it's the EDD from the baby we lost in May (#4).

I'm doing well, too. I can't obsess. I can't freak out. What's the point? It's just going to get me all worked up, which won't be helpful to anyone.

Well, This Should Be Interesting

IF and RPL throw different curve balls for us to deal with. The end is still the same...we both don't have babies that we so desperately want in our arms. What we're dealing with though is often so different. After multiple failed pregnancies, RPL takes the joy and elation of seeing a BFP away. The only real feeling that comes with it is that "oh, shit" feeling. The anxiety. The paralyzing fear. The feeling that every moment of every day is a lifetime.

Someone who is struggling to get pregnant and is pursuing fertility treatments would give anything to see that BFP. The treatments and the cycle after cycle of stark white spaces on pregnancy tests hurt a little more each time one is staring you in the face.

I've struggled with posting this for a few days, because of my last two posts about our decision to stop trying and my fears. I've also struggled with this post because I can't believe we're in this place. Yet, I don't know how to not post this.

So, here it is. I'm pregnant. Pregnancy number five. We are so scared shitless that we can't even allow ourselves to think about it. I got a positive at 12DPO (on Friday) and my first set of betas were yesterday and those were good. The only reason I tested at all was that I didn't have any signs at all that AF was arriving and I woke up that morning, looking forward to getting my hair highlighted that night. When I realized that AF didn't feel like she was coming, I thought that as much as I didn't think that I was pregnant, I should test to just be sure. I can honestly say though that taking that test, I thought the chances of me seeing a positive were about as high as me winning the lottery. Hell, I even was on my way out the door for school and decided to take the damn test with me to school for when I had to go again.

I'm already thinking that when I start spotting, I hope it's at week six, just like it was every other time, since I will be off of school. I'm already thinking that when I miscarry again, that I hope it's a missed miscarriage like before, so that I can deal with the physical aspect over winter break, so I don't have to miss any more school.

So, there it is.

Fears

Since Mr SC and I had our talk and reached our decision on Thursday, I've felt the most conflicting emotions.

Relief. Sadness. Fear.

Why relief? Although I have talked to my therapist about it extensively and blogged about it, I was fearful in the back of my mind that I would never be ready for trying again. Give it time, I heard. I was reassured that my feelings were normal. The weird part is that I never felt any closer to being ready. If anything, I felt more disconnected from it. I'm relieved that we reached this decision, that I was able to be honest with myself and help make this decision.

Sadness...this one is obvious, but it's a different kind of sadness. It's not a paralyzing, gut-wrenching sadness. It's more a kind of pain for what could have been, not with my losses that already happened, but what could have been had we tried again. I'm also sad about what the person that I was and am disgusted with myself that I wasn't able to cope with things better.

In the back of my mind, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm weak. Others have endured so much more than we have, yet we decided that this was the end of the road. I don't want to be perceived as a quitter. We also have a diagnosis with my elevated NK cells, which is more than many couples get to have. Although it's controversial, there is treatment. What's wrong with us that we aren't willing to try it? I'm afraid that I'll buy into society's stereotype that the only "family" is one with a couple and a child. I'm afraid that we'll be considered less of a couple because we don't have the "bond" of a child. I'm afraid that people who know what we've been through (many do, to varying degrees) will realize that we aren't having a child and will always look at us with pity. I'm afraid that Mr SC made this decision because he wants to make me happy and isn't thinking about himself and will resent me.

Writing it all down, most of what I'm afraid of involves how others will perceive us. This isn't even logical, since no one knows (aside from my bloggy friends, our parents and my dear friend, Kelly) about our NK cells and it's not like we're going to make our decision a topic of conversation over dinner. I told my mom and Mr SC will tell his mom and, well, Kelly will find out when if she reads my blog. Still, something that consumes so much of you, well, if it's all that's racing around in your head it's so strange to know that on the outside, people have no idea. I'm always fearful that people will look at me, know, and judge.

I guess I'm afraid that those fears will become how I feel and instead of struggling with them, they're take over in my head.

I've been thinking of a way to memorialize our losses and what could have been and I think I've decided on getting a pinky ring. It will be a symbol of the four lives that we lost, the end of that chapter of our lives and our commitment to each other for the future. I haven't picked it out yet, because I know that I'll know it when I see it.

Thanks so much everyone for your kindness and support and I hope when I do blog, that you'll keep stopping by.

The End...For Now

This may turn into a long post. My apologies if it does.

I've been at home the last few days, sick. Blech I've felt like crap. I kept the TV off and have been reading. Yesterday I finished a book and today I started The Rea.ding Group. It's a book about women who participate in a book club and about their lives. That makes it sound so bland but it's been great.

That is, until the author introduced the character, "Clare".

Clare and her husband both share their stories about their lives, their marriage, etc. They both are always sad and never feel like they're living. Clare's husband reveals that they've endured five miscarriages (or maybe more because he feels like he's lost count) and, it goes into great lengths about how their marriage and also, they themselves, have died a little bit more inside every time Clare lost a baby.

I still can't believe I kept reading the book. A month ago, I wouldn't have. I cry, but it's ok. Clare talks about how the calendar is filled with "unbirthdays" and riddled with other dates that are horrible reminders of what should have been.

God, her name should have just been Kelly. I can identify with her so much.

I just really allowed myself to think today, all warm and toasty with my two dogs in bed. Although I may blog when I'm upset, I'm feeling stronger and more like myself every day. Mr SC and I are getting back to our old selves, more and more, every day.

When I called the doc at SIRM last week for my consultation, I truly had a breakdown before I talked to the doctor. I could barely pull myself together. I just kept saying, "I don't want to do this again."

We will never, ever be over what happened and what we lost. Never. But, Mr SC and I ended up having a long talk that he initiated. Maybe he's practicing for therapy. :) I don't know. But I look at it like this. Mr SC has had several knee surgeries. His knee will never be the same and, well, it will always hurt a little bit. Some days, it's a dull ache. Other days it hurts more. It's not excruciating pain though like it was when he got injured or how it felt right after surgery.

We don't want to lose ourselves. We don't want to lose our marriage. Mr SC doesn't want to go skiing, because hell, his knee will get torn up again and why do something that he knows will only cause him incredible pain?

We're on an indefinite break. Now, you may think that that's what we're doing now. True, but we were looking at December, with daily shots of Loven.ox and the intralipid infusions. Now, it's indefinitely put off.

And we both feel like an incredible weight has been lifted from our shoulders.

If we were younger and had more time, perhaps things would be different. Perhaps after a few years, we could journey down that road again. The reality is though that Mr SC and I met when we were 33 and time isn't on our side.

But it is. We're choosing to take our lives back and live our lives. Life's too short. We're tired of being caught in the roller coaster of trying and, well, for now...we've decided to get out of line for the ride and walk, hand-in-hand around the park for a while.

Life Goes On (Even Though it Doesn't Feel That Way)

I'm amazed at just how much living is going on, all while I feel like my life is at a standstill. I feel trapped and stalled.

Yet, I read blogs of women and think, wow! They're 36 weeks already?

Or I see FB profile pics being updated, which include adorable photos of an almost one year old. How has an entire year gone by already?

I would have been celebrating Halloween this year with an eleven month old, if it weren't for my first miscarriage.

It's just so strange. I'm not upset...it just is what it is. My life could be over tomorrow and I feel like the last year and a half have been defined solely by grief. Not how I want to remember my life at all.

Mixed Messages from Doc...Help!

I just had my phone consult with my doc from SIRM. I tell him my cycles are irregular and they always had been regular (spotting 7 or 8DPO through my period, blah blah and mid cycle spotting).

He says he wants to run CD3 b/w. I said oh, I just had that done in July and all was fine.

Oh, he says. Let's retest to compare.

Oh, I say. Ok. What about a LPD with spotting so early? Can we test progesterone?

He says yes, but progesterone can fluctuate (I know) and a low number may not mean anything.

Then he says if all hormones are regular, then he will do a scan to double check everything (even though I had one in August and this has been going on since then).

If all is normal, he says he'd like me to go on Clom.id and that Clom.id will regulate my cycles.

I said what? I already ovulate on my own.

He says no, Clomi.d, in effect "takes over" your cycle and will take care of the LPD.

WTF?????? Has anyone ever heard this? I immediately chatted with a good friend and she had the same thoughts I did, but I thought I'd see if anyone else did too. I get that Clomi.d can "regulate cycles" in getting ovulation to occur, but I already do O and this doesn't make sense to me at all.

Add this to the breakdown I had before the phone call and it's been a glorious Friday!

Steps

I wanted to share with you what's been going on with me, and, well, with us also.

First, even though I feel numb, we are looking at starting to try again in December. That will mean monthly infusions (out of pocket) until I get pregnant 7-10 days before I O, which would put us at the end of December, if it works.

By "if" it works, well, I've been having problems with my cycle. I mentioned it at She.r back in August and my doc told me it could take up to six cycles for things to get adjusted. I just finished cycle five and nothing has changed. I have a phone consultation with him tomorrow. I'm thinking it's just hormonal, but, until I have testing that covers all aspects of my cycle (and then subsequent testing after treatment), it may push us back to January. That's fine. Whatever.

The one thing that I told Mr SC was that I wanted us both to see a therapist, together, if we started trying again. He said ok. I still can't believe that he agreed, but he did. I've been putting off making the phone call and finally did. My therapist recommended someone and we're going to try to coordinate a time for us to go in the next couple of weeks. She sounds great on the phone and we chatted a bit about why we are going to therapy. When I told her about our miscarriages, I swear I heard her jaw drop. But anyway...

That's where we are. Just an update.

Life in a Blur

This is something that I've been so afraid of in dealing with everything...our losses, my diagnosis. taking a break, etc. I've talked about my concerns with Mr SC, my mom, my therapist and all of them, in a kind way, dismissed my concerns.

I should have listened to my gut.

I've been living in pretty two much states...either feeling like a whirling dervish with work, travel, etc or feeling so completely that I completely crash. If it makes sense though, unless I'm in one of my ultra-lows (which you so often get to share with me, lucky you!) I've been fearful that I haven't really been living at all.

Turns out I was right.

The story that I'm about to tell may seem insignificant to you, but to me, it struck a chord. My ultimate fear as a teacher is to look like an ass in front of my students, whether that means coming across as unintelligent, coming across as incompetent because I can't engage them in my lesson or, simply, making a fool of myself. It appears that I did make a complete fool of myself and I don't even remember.

My colleague/friend and I were chatting after school Friday. I don't know how it came up, but she "reminded" me of an incident last spring that I don't remember at all. When I asked her when this occurred she told me that it was at the end of last year. Translation: after I returned to work from my month off after our fourth loss.

Apparently I had on my favorite sandals (a cute pair of high, black wedge slingbacks). I lost my balance, twisted my ankle, fell and cracked my head on a student desk and fell to the ground. All of this while kids were in the room. Kids looked after me while my friend went to the nurse and got ice for me. I ended up going home early that day.

I was convinced that this didn't happen to me and that my friend had me confused with someone else. That is, until I told Mr SC. He looked at me like something was really, really wrong with me and asked, "how don't you remember that?"

I wasn't heavily medicated either. I was on Lex.apro (same dose as I am now) and take Ati.van when I need it.

I'm finished. I'm tired of being a bystander in life. It's too short. I have much to blog about on the TTC front, but I'm tired of not feeling and not truly living. It appears that I'm quite good at it.

The Weekend

I am so, so incredibly grateful that so many of you understood how I was feeling with my last post about my stepbrother's gf and the "oops" pregnancy. I got to talk to my mom a lot and I learned that my mom has known for a couple of weeks but my stepbrother, T, didn't want anyone to know until after her first u/s (freaking fantastic). So, my mom got the call from T that all was well (of course it is, because that's how it always seems to work for "oops" babies) and my mom immediately emailed me and said could we talk. I know that it was terrible timing on her part, but she wanted me to learn about it from her. I appreciated that. I can't imagine how betrayed I would have felt if she hadn't told me.

Anyway, no I am not planning on going to the wedding. For one, we were already planning on going away that weekend and it's also five days before the EDD from loss #1 (hell, I should have an almost one year old by now). No, thanks.

Mr SC and I went to Washin.gton, DC again this weekend. We got there on Sunday and enjoyed the gorgeous 75 degree weather, went shopping and checked out the Whi.te House (we both had never been there). And then we went to see the Col.ts kick some Redski.ns as*.


I proudly wore my Colt.s gear (although I was a bit nervous) and Mr SC was decked out in the burgundy and gold.

Mai, I took a bunch of other pics of Pey.ton Mannin.g if you want to see them. :)

And This Was Going to Be Such an Upbeat Post...

Yesterday was horrible. I don't know why this loss's anniversary is so devestating but it was. So, yesterday was horrible. I was so upset all day, I'm not sure how I went and taught kids all day. I did it though and came home and went to bed.

I had a some sort of epiphany last night though after laying in bed for a few hours. I started to make a list of all of the dates to be happy about on the calendar. Mr SC did it with me, too. It felt so good to lay with him and talk about all of our good times. I even thought I would make a list, to keep both at home and at school, to remind me of all the good things.

(Hopefully you're sensing an enormous BUT coming along)..

My mom yesterday asked when we could chat on the phone. I told her I wasn't up to it yesterday and I called her when I got home from school today. She starts to tell me how my stepbrother (former party animal who has now found "the love of his life" from Brazil) is not only moving in with his girlfriend, but they're getting married. November 20th. It's a small wedding, blah, blah, blah. I'm praying in my head I don't hear the words that I hear.

She's pregnant. She's due in mid-May, just when my EDD for this lost pregnancy will be (oh yeah, and when I miscarried #4).

I started sobbing hysterically and hung up on my mother.

I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired of all of the energy that I expend simply trying to exist. And I'm so tired of how much effort it takes to get up every time I get kicked down. I'm just tired of getting up.

Remembering

It's October 12, 2009. I'm laying in bed at night, my body physically exhausted, but I'm afraid to fall asleep. I'm afraid to fall asleep only to wake up, realizing that this isn't all just a horrific nightmare.

I'm still in such disbelief that this is actually happening, for a third time, all over again. After identifying the clotting disorder and taking Baby Aspir.in, DH and I really thought that this could be it.

If I'm being honest, I wish it would have all been over weeks ago instead of the way it happened today. If I ever carry to term, this day, this what-should-have-been milestone is gone. Why couldn't the spotting continue? Why did they have to put me on bedrest for that hematoma, only to tell me that it shrunk and that all was fine. Nope, that wasn't enough...the follow-up u/s is behind and my doctor presses us to discuss our options. In some sort of twisted denial, DH and I leave. Literally leave. We pack up and drive up north in our state. We're both so frozen and so paralyzed that we don't even know how to speak or how to act.

That night, in our hotel room, I almost collapsed in the shower. I remember the water falling down on me and I just wished it could wash me all away. I didn't want to have to deal with all of this all over again. DH comes and and just holds me as a cry. It was a horrible night.

The elation that we felt that next day when we found out the betas were still rising...damn us for falling for it. We're smarter than that! I still figured that something was just off with my body and then, then the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. Lying on the u/s table, I'm refusing to look at the screen. I don't want to see what could have been. I do though see your sweet, sweet face, strewn with tears. You shake my hand and make me look at that screen and see our baby's heartbeat. We finally, finally thought we had our miracle.

I never felt right about today. I was trying to listen to that stupid speaker at school today and all I could think about was our first OB appointment. I am nine weeks. We would finally get to see our baby again...the baby we thought we lost. Damn Dr. Goog.le and the images in my head of what the screen should look like.

Each second of today felt like a lifetime. I'm so sorry I called you so many times, I just needed you to talk me off the ledge and tell me that it would be fine. Why? Because in the pit of my stomach, I just felt like it wasn't going to be ok. Those last reassuring words this afternoon when you said how you'd pick me up in a few minutes and to stop...I'm not spotting or anything.

And then I went to the bathroom and saw the pink and I knew.

The poor nurse this afternoon who was trying to go through all the first OB visit stuff. It's all the stuff the anxious parents are waiting to hear. I still am so embarrassed by how rude I was, asking to skip all this and get to the u/s. After all, there may not be a reason to go through any of this talking if there's no baby.

And then I saw her face. I saw the expression try to stay in stone but showed concern. And then my doctor came in and I just knew.

I will never forget this pregnancy. I could see you and now it's just all over, again?

____________________________________________________________________
My sweet baby girl, not a day goes by that I don't think about what life would be like with you here. I imagine your eyes and hair and your smile. I imagine your tiny hand in mine and all of the things that should have been. I miss you every moment of every day.

A Sign?

I've been thinking a great deal about your comments on my last post about knowing when you've reached your limits. I carefully weighed very word (seriously) and thought I was better in my head about things.

And then it hit me.

First, with this NK cell diagnosis and my doc wanting me to do intralipid infusions. Well, I know several women who successfully carried to term after multiple losses after infusions. There are many, many doctors though who think this is a bunch of hogwash.

I knew that though, even though it's too "grey" for my liking.

I got up the courage to post on FB about October and remembering lost babies. I was proud of myself. One of my hs friends posts that she had two losses and I sent her a private message. In telling her a little about what had happened to us, I started to type "five", rather than four.

This is the second time I've done that. The second time I actually added a miscarriage. Who forgets how many losses they've had?? So, my newest fear is that it's a sign. That it's my body's way of knowing that hey, Kelly...this may not be the best idea.

This week is also tough because it's all about me remembering last year at this time, when I was still pregnant. Last year when I was approaching my 9 week 1st OB appointment, that after the roller coaster ride that was the beginning of my pregnancy I found out at that appointment that it was over. I had my D&E on October 14th. I'm really dreading that day.

Just my thoughts. I'm trying my best and I'm fairly ok. My emotions though have swung for complete despair to complete, full-throttle bitch. Poor Mr. SC. AF is on her way!

I Need Your Advice

So, I survived the big 3-6. Mr. SC is finally asleep after a grueling day of not eating at all and, um, let's just say prepping for his colonoscopy tomorrow morning at 8am. I got tons of work done today for school and outside, too. I'm feeling pretty good.

There's a few thoughts looming in my head though and I need help sorting them out. It's odd sitting down to blog when I'm feeling so, well, normal. Generally, when my fingers find the keyboard I'm super upset or enraged or lost.

I can't believe our most recent loss was only in May. It's been a little over four months. It feels like it was a lifetime ago. The anniversary of my third loss is coming up in a couple of weeks and then in late November, it's our 1st EDD. It's not a fun time of year.

Knowing all this though, I had told Mr SC that I wanted to give it until my cycle after a trip in October that we're taking. We're going to DC to see the Colt.s (my fav team) play the Redskin.s (Mr SC's team) and I didn't want to be worrying about TTC or anything for our trip.

Now that the trip is only a couple of weeks away, I feel no closer to being ready. I artifically looked at getting my first infusion over winter break from school. I wouldn't have to worry about school, taking off, how I'd be feeling, etc. It would just be a more relaxed time to do it.

Then the questions keep flooding in...what if I don't feel any more ready than I do now? Sure, it's around 2 1/2 months away and by my own words, it would be a semi-lifetime away. It would also be after all of the anniversaries that weigh heavily on us and the holidays so logically, it makes sense.

What if I don't feel any more ready, the closer the days get? Will I ever feel ready again? If I'm honest, I can't see myself going through all of that again...the meds, the injections, the infusions, the cost...all to take a massive chance. This next time we try, there's so much more invested in it if it doesn't work. We were fortunate to get pregnant naturally, so although in all those months that we were first unsuccessful, it was horrible when AF arrived, but I don't sense it would be the same type of horrible as a cycle with all of the interventions that we will be using every cycle.

And, even though I just said I can't see myself trying again, I don't know if I can truly see us making a decision to live childfree.

How did you know? For those of you who moved on and got past things, how did you do it?

I just don't know.

Kiss Off, Thirty Five

Yep, that's right. When this posts, I'll officially be 36 years old.

Thirty five was fan-fucking-tastic.

Forgive me that I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. It's just another reminder of the failure that my last year of life has been.

Mr SC has been having significant stomach problems. The specialist today said he doesn't think it's anything serious or anything that requires surgery, but he's not sure what it is. Mr SC has a colonoscopy scheduled for Monday morning. After his, um, thorough exam today, I came back in the room (before the doctor came back in). I asked him how he was. His response? "I feel so violated."

You know, I should have been sympathetic at this point. I wasn't. I faked it though. I rubbed his back and gave him a kiss and told him I understood.

I wanted to scream! I wanted to scream that I've had more wands shoved up my vagina that I would ever care to even try to count, all while my legs are suspended midair. I've twice been put under so I could have the remnants of what should have been our baby scraped from the inside of me. I then twice had more instruments shoved up there to remove the scarring from said scraping.

And you feel violated?

Reaching Out

Reaching out to others or forging ahead with new relationships can be an infertile's worst nightmare. You fear that subject of conversations and think about how to handle questions. Last spring, I handled one badly.

There is newer secretary in one of the offices at school. Her desk is by itself and right by the photocopy machine that many teachers use. I reacted to a seemingly innocent question that she asked me and it's weighed on me heavily since. We never have gotten beyond artificial chatting since, but today I tried to rectify that. This is a copy of an email that I sent her:

Dear colleague that I was shitty to:

You may or may not remember what I’m going to talk about, but I have and I wanted to talk to you about it. Forgive me that it’s in an email, but it’s just easier for me.

Last year, I was at the copy machine. You were trying to chat with me and asked me if I had kids. My response was, “why?" and you replied that you were just trying to get to know me. I know this came across horribly. I apologize for that. I have felt badly ever since didn't know how to talk about it or fix it.

I wanted to explain my reaction and as bad as it may have made you feel, there was a reason for my response. I was pregnant at the time (when you asked me) but I had just found out I was miscarrying for a second time. After time passed, it got harder and harder for me to explain my reaction to you since I've now had a total of four miscarriages since March ’09.

I know this email is of an extreme personal nature and it’s something people usually don’t talk about, but I’ve felt so badly about how I was to you that I didn’t know how else to apologize other than explaining, fully, my reaction.

I hope that you understand.

Writing this alone felt liberating. After she read it, she replied just how sorry she was and I ended up calling her. We talked a bit and things are better. She said twice that she hopes that we can be friends. I hope so, too.

Left Behind

This post isn't necessarily meant to have a sad tone, but I suppose the subject itself can only be sad. I don't feel sad, but just, well...I don't know how to describe it.

I know so many women who (whether they've suffered from IF or not) have gotten pregnant, carried to term and have healthy children, all since I've started TTC and had my four miscarriages.

There have been first birthday parties and second birthday parties and heck, some are even working on number two.

All while I'm still stuck in this horrible place. Stuck here. No matter how hard we tried, we can't move forward. It just hasn't happened. The thing that makes this the most difficult for me is that we can't get pregnant. I don't mean that we aren't physically able, I mean that becauase of my elevated nk cells, if I get pregnant again, the baby will die. Again.

Mr SC and I used to have an amazing "marital relationship", ahem, if you get what I mean. Now, I avoid it like the plague. I hope it's over as soon as it starts. Why? Because all I think about is how terrified I am about getting pregnant and how I'm having a difficult time enjoying something that has brought so much emotional pain.

So with the tentative "plan" in place for January and the intralipid infusions (to bring down my nk cells) every cycle until we get pregnant again, well, I hope these next few months go by very slowly. Why? If I'm terrified of having sex, I don't know how to turn that switch back on again. We've never felt like things have suffered in that department when TTC. I never really even needed to determine when I was ovulating because we covered the bases on our own anyway.

And now, here I am, feeling stuck and dealing with knowing that there can't be any "oops". We have to go back to avoiding pregnancy at all costs for now.

This is just a really, really shitty place to be. All the while, others are sharing their beautiful baby photos and marveling about how they can't believe how long it's been and how much their babies have grown. All evidence of how much life goes on while I'm just completely stuck here. How pathetic.

The Plan (Sort Of)

I love this time of year. I love when it's starting to get chilly at night and sometimes I can throw on my PSU hoodie. :)

Mr SC and I talked about a plan. Well, I told him how I was feeling and he said, "sounds good". Perhaps he's also forgetting that I said I wanted us to go to therapy before we start trying again but anyway...

We're looking at January to start with the itralipid infusions. For one, it's after the holidays and the anniversary of our first (and second) losses. The first EDD is the worst for me, even though it was the shortest pregnancy. Also, it will be easier financially. We'll be able to have more in our savings account and, well, I'm going to be stressed out enough that I don't want any hint of any potential small financial concern when I'm going to have to shell out so much money each month.

Plus, well, my body is behaving oddly. I spot for several days before my period, AF stays for eight days now and I also spot midcycle for no reason. My new RE told me it could be up to six cycles for a body to return to normal after a m/c but I'm not waiting that long to push for tests. Back in July I had a saline u/s and it didn't show anything, so I'm not thinking it's a cyst. How knows, though.

All Because of You

Everyone out there who reads my blog and who has commented on my last post and to all of you who have been following and to all of you who blog.

Thank you.

We share pieces of our soul and share intimate details of our life here. Words that I still have difficulty uttering out loud (like uterus) I can type here without hesitiation.

When I reach my lowest points, I turn here. I read blogs and I blog myself. I think of you in my darkest times and your stories and your words are what help me dig deep. I think I can't do it anymore and somehow, I do.

Because I know there are others out there who are fighting the same battle, every day.

There will never be enough words to thank you for your kind comments and your words of support. I will never be able to say what I truly feel when I comment on your blogs. How can words ever convey the spirit that you're able to breathe back in me when I need the wind back in my sails?

Thank you, so much, to all of you.

On a lighter note, I had to share this with all of you. I know, I've been told I'm a mood wrecker but I know there are some women out there who will appreciate this.

So I'm sick. I fairly bad allergies and they always kick in around back to school time. Sometimes, when I'm super lucky, it turns into a pounding of your head, tissue box using in six hours, nose running uncontrolably affair. You know, the kind of nose running that nothing remedies except for a piece of tissue up your nose to stop it.

I text Mr SC to ask if he can stop at the store for me on this way home from work so I can go to bed. The text back? Why? Not, are you ok, not I hope you feel better. Hmph.

So I ask him for full-fledged Pu.ffs, some Vick.s and some OJ. I make a joke about sexy I look and he gives the yeah-I-know-you-look-horrible laugh. I then tell him that after three and a half years, the sympathy is gone for when I'm sick. I'm a big freaking baby when I get sick and he always fusses over me. Today, the shithea* shares the stuff from the store and goes to his friend's house. I then went out a little bit ago to the living room to try to chat a bit and barely got a response. Why? Football's on. Freakin' men!

At the End of my Rope

I knew that the calm courtesy of my hot stone massage was short lived.

I've been feeling lots of things but haven't been willing to truly acknowledge them. It's just been too tough. I've blogged before about feeling like I was finished, as in, not wanting to move forward with having a child. Even with my diagnosis. Even with the new "hope" it offers.

My RE warned me I shouldn't wait too long because of my age. I'll be 36 at the end of this month. My numbers are still good, he just cautioned not to wait until that starts changing (which, inevitably will happen at some point). I had said back in the spring that I wanted to wait until at least the fall and I figured that would come mid-October.

I'm nowhere near that point.

I thought I'd be ready. I see all of the lovely signs of fall. Football and hoodies, pumpkins and mums. Then there are the other signs. My pregnancy at this time last year. My EDD from my first loss on 11/25. My SIL's baby's first bday party (she gave birth on the day of my 3rd loss/D&E).

The last couple of weeks when friends have asked how I am, I replied that I feel like a whirling dervish. School has been more challenging than ever and any small slowdown in my dervish whirling causes me to crash. Hard. I start sobbing uncontrollably. I end up not sleeping for nights (even when I take Ambi.en). I'm just not me. Last week, I was so out of it in my head (no medication here, it was just pure me), I forgot basic facts in class. Facts that I've known and been teaching for years. Thank god I'm good at covering.

Will I ever be me again? If I'm not feeling back to being me or even in control of my being, how in the hell am I supposed to jump on this bandwagon again?

Sometimes, I'm just flat out finished with work. The stress. The comments. The "harmless" questions. I wish I didn't have to go. I thought after taking my time off last spring and especially with the summer, I'd be better.

I'm fearful that this new "better" is the best I'm ever going to get. Nothing about trying again sounds appealing to me. Perhaps I really am stronger than I give myself credit for. After all, no one sees my tears except for Mr SC. The bad thing is that he doesn't even ask me what's wrong anymore. We were in the car today on the way home and I couldn't help but let a few tears escape from my eyes. He saw me and just grabbed my hand.

Truth is though? Nothing helps. I want to talk about it and feel better but I don't. I want the pill I take to help me feel better but be longer lasting and not wear off. I want to be able to have my period like a normal woman. The seven plus days it lasts now (fun, fun), with every drop of blood I see I flash back to that day last May when I walked through my front doors and had to rush to the bathroom when I lost my fourth baby.

Every day just feels like such a fight to make it through the day. Frankly, I'm tired of fighting but I don't have the courage to waive the white flag.

The Kicker

I've been kicking around this post in my head for quite some time. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is going to translate well in writing. I didn't come up with a stellar title either, yet I'm going to give it a try.

IF and RPL sucks (really, this is what this post is about??). It changes ourselves, it costs entirely too much money, it takes its toll physically and it can irreparably damage relationships.

There's one thing about it though that I think for many of us, makes it all the more difficult. The things that I've mentioned above are more than enough to have to balance. The message that society sends makes it even more unbearable and for many, this could the worst part.

"There's nothing like a grandmother's love."

"We didn't know what love was until we had a baby."

"We didn't know what it meant to be busy until we had a baby."

I hate these messages. They can be overtly stated or they can be subtle, but the messages are still there. To me, this makes it worse. It's like saying that a marriage isn't complete unless there are children. It's like saying a marriage without children is a second class marriage, not complete unless there's a baby. It's the major guilt trip placed on adult children that if they cannot provide a grandchild for their parents, that they are the ultimate failure in life.

Hell, even think about things you said when you're a child:

"Kelly and Jason. Sittin' in the tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes a baby in the baby carriage."

The message? It's not really finished...it's not really complete until you have a child.

I find myself yelling out loud sometimes at these messages (or fighting against them so loudly in my head I'm not sure how anyone doesn't hear me). It's not true, I protest. Couples choose not to have children and it doesn't make them any less of a couple. It doesn't detract for the love they have for one another or their relationship. It doesn't make them a 2nd class couple!

The same is true for couples who suffer from IF or RPL. Lack of a child doesn't make their love any less meaningful or their relationship any less important!

My problem, though? As much as I protest, I think that's my ultimate fear. That Mr SC and I will never be complete without a child. As much as I get upset about it, that's always there, in the back of my head.

Feeling a Little Less B*tchy :)

My rant/vent a few days ago made me feel so much better. What was the best though was reading all the comments and knowing how many of you "get it". I felt a little less like a freak. :)

The first week of school is over. I love my job and love teaching. We don't have air conditioning so it was ridiculously hot, but it's over now and although it's going to be warm next week, it will be nothing like this week, which is a good thing.

Today I met my friend and want to the spa in Her.shey. I mentioned where because of the chocolate part. Ahhh...it was fabulous. We had a great time.

I came to a realization which may sound obvious to you, but it wasn't to me.. As mad as I am at it, this body is the only one I have. I haven't been taking very good care of myself at all. I still look ok, but I've gained too much weight and hardly ever exercise and when I'm sad, I eat horrible food. My body never said, f*ck you, Kelly. We're killing your babies. Why have I been treating it like it did all this to me deliberately? I still have my life and I have to make the most of it. If I don't ever have a child, that's no reason to get stuck to the point where I wish I don't wake up in the morning just because it hurts. Ok, to be fair, "hurts" isn't even close to the right word, but still. I'm doing the best I can for my head but physically, well, it's just not enough.

I also talked to Mr SC on the way home today. I have a fabulous treadmill that I haven't been using. I really thought at first it was because there wasn't air conditioning in the room. Mr SC fixed that and put a window unit in for me. He wasn't trying to subtly say hey fattie, get a move on, he was trying to be sweet. Anyway, it's in our office which is a hellish mess. I can't bring myself to clean it out (the mess is my doing). It's supposed to be a nursery and that's why I should be cleaning it out. It felt good to tell him why I'm not in there.

This post isn't about me pledging to train for a triathlon or for me to pledge to clean out that room. It's just a small step for me. I hope it's the first of many steps but even if it isn't, that's ok.

B*itchfest

I'm so sick and tired of:

• skanky, immoral students getting pregnant. Two girls in the school where I teach, same father. The baby daddy is the biggest stoner on the planet. PLUS, the one baby mama already has a baby taken from her for neglect. From a different baby daddy.
• TV shows involving oops babies and pregnancy storylines
• commercials involved babies and "the proudest moments"
• freaking picture frames like, "Nothing like a Grandma's Love"
• Paternity tests. Are you KIDDING ME that you would sleep with enough men in that time frame that you don't know who the father is? I have always valued my lady parts and who sees them, thank you very much!
• IF weight gain. 'Nuf said.
• the heat in my classroom that doesn't have air conditioning
• "perfect" women on FB, with perfect 1st birthday parties and the most perfect, gorgeous children EVER
• stupid comments from pregnant women. One of my colleagues is pregnant with her third. She has two boys and just found out she is having a girl. She says, "yep, DH can make little girls!" Wow, what do I do? Kill my babies? Well actually, yes I do.
• Feeling this way
• Not having any motivation or desire to cook at all in this heat
• Mr SC not knowing how to do ANYTHING on the computer. I teach kids all day. I don't want to come home and teach you how to do something simple that you should be able to do yourself!

Hmmmm....perhaps this is all a good sign that AF is on her way? I'm really not a mean person but boy do I feel like one today!

Labels

The good (which mainly come from other people):
Funny
Cute
Caring
Sensitive
Smart
Energetic
Hard-working
wife
teacher
friend
daughter

the bad:
shy (well, I can be when I don't know people, which often leads people to think I'm "snobby", which I'm not)
short
neurotic

and the ugly:
too heavy
neurotic

What about the label of "mother"? At what point, is someone a mother? I've been pregnant four times and had two heartbeats, all to have them ripped away from me. It's left me scarred and forever changed, yet I don't consider myself a "mother". Why? I don't know. If I'm not a mother, then why does this hurt so badly (still, after all this time)? If I'm not a mother, why did Mr SC and I cry at the stroke of midnight last year, praying that 2010 would be different? If I'm not a mother, then why can I still see that heartbeat on the monitor screen (thankfully, I didn't look when we had our fourth loss)? If I'm not a mother, why is it that I can still envision the baby girl that I lost? Why can I still feel her, like a ghost in my arms?

Or, does the word hurt too much? If I acknowledged that I was a mother, that I am a mother, would that be too much for me to bear?

I'm Not Ready but I Have No Choice

School starts on Monday. We had two inservice days this week and the kids are back on Monday. I LOVE my job. I love learning, love the kids, love to share new things with them...I could go on and on. I know how lucky I am to have a relatively stable job in this economy and, although I know if I worked in a different field with my degree and experience I'd make much more, I'm not complaining about what I get paid, either. I make a half decent living.

I spent the summer trying to get better and I know how fortunate I am to get to do that. Many women who have struggled with what I'm dealing with don't have that luxury. It still doesn't mean that I'm not terrified.

My house is my safe place. I can go out as little or as much as I'd like. I can control my interaction with others.

Now I'm back to six classes, always bringing my A game with a smile on my face. It's tough when there's a colleague who's due in the beginning of December (when I should have been) and it's tough that there's a colleague in my department who's due in the beginning of January (when I should be celebrating a first birthday). I'm forced to hold it together around the five pregnant girls in my school of only 320.

This weekend is my last weekend of solitude and I'm a weepy mess. Plus, Mr SC is away for the weekend. He's going upstate to his brother's cabin with his brother, stepfather and a friend from work. It's a "guys weekend". I know I'm going to sound ridiculous here, but to me, that isn't about male bonding, it's about tossing aside significant others for the weekend. That's ok and I know this is my fault, but I rely on Mr SC too much for my happiness. We're always together and he does everything he can to make me laugh when I'm down. I'm just so preoccupied with all of this. I've been neglecting good friends and feel paralyzed. It's horrible.

Oh...and yesterday I found out that my infusions, whenever we start TTC again, are going to be $650 per infusion. My insurance won't cover them because they're considered "experimental".

Blah. I sound like such a downer. I'm sorry.

Dear Kelly,

To those of you out there in blogland (and hopefully who are also Sein.feld fans), I feel as though my worlds are about to collide. Of the friends I've made and of the blogs I follow, I've only ever met one of you IRL. The only person in my life that knew about my blog was my husband and, although I told him about it, I know he doesn't read it. He sees it as a privacy thing and doesn't go there.

This weekend though, I got to get together with one of my very best friends (whose name also happens to be Kelly). I'm always amazed at how much the two of us can talk when we get together. We're funny, we're serious, we're intellictual, we're bitchy (about other people, not to each other!) and when I was catching her up on all of my goings on, I told her about my blog and how good it's been to write about things and to meet others.

She asked to read it and I don't know how she couldn't hear me saying, "oh shit" in my head.

So, I'm giving her the URL. There's no one in my life who knows me (besides my husband) who really knows what I'm going through emotionally and it's safe to say that I keep some of it from Mr SC, too. This letter below is to her, as an intro of sorts.

Dear Kelly,

Well, if you're reading this, you've found my blog. I've already told you that I'm terrified that you'll think I'm a weirdo or that I've gone off the deep end. Sometimes those big, bad thoughts that lurk in my head end up here, as a way for me to work through them. And...all those years that you thought I was a hypochondriac (remember that "wheel" that you got me as a joke with the symptoms)? Maybe all along, deep down, I knew that something was wrong with me and TA-DA...here it is!

But seriously, I know that we don't see each other or talk as much as I'd like, but I cherish your friendship. We have been through some yucky stuff and I'm glad that at the end of the day, I know that you're always there for me if I need you. Your intelligence, drive and wit is inspiring (as is your fashion sense) and I can honestly say that you're the most beautiful woman I know. I'll never be able to thank you enough for being such a great friend.

Love,

Kelly

A Sign of Things to Come? (including an update about today)

Before I get this appointment stuff from today, I have to tell you what happened yesterday. So I blogged about how I was feeling (and immediately felt better hearing your words of support...thank you!). I was blah and sad and whatever and ended up taking a nap. I know when I write the rest of this, some of you are going to think I'm this bizarre, strange, weirdo. I get that. That doesn't change what's happened though.

Anyway...during three of my four losses, I had dreams that I got my BFP. I also had dreams that I miscarried during three of these four miscarriages.

Yesterday, while I took a nap, I had a dream that I had a baby. It was a newborn and I was being my normal self, being stressed out about how to hold the baby the right way and make sure I was supporting the baby's head. My mom was staying in our home for two weeks and I just kept running to my mom to make sure I was holding the baby ok. This is the first kind of dream I had like this and I found it odd. Take it however you want, but for me, I thought that it was some sort of sign for me that perhaps I should at least give this thing another shot.

What came out of today's appointment:

• Dr. knows I want to wait until I'm ready, but thinks I shouldn't wait to try again more than six months because of my age (even though my FSH is only 4.2)
• When we start trying again, I will have the intralipid infusion during each cycle that we are trying and then again when I get pregnant. He thinks that two will be enough, but said if I wanted to run testing to be sure and check my numbers for peace of mind, he was fine with that
• The infusions will most likely not be covered by my insurance and will be around $500 for each one
• He wants me to go on baby aspirin and on Lovenox injections, starting on CD 5 of each cycle we're trying. This is different from before, when I was only starting injections after I found out I was pregnant.

I know some of you are going to ask how do I feel? I know there are no guarantees but I'll be ready at some point to give this a shot again.

If any of you have questions or words of wisdom, please fire away! I'd like to know your thoughts about the protocol. Oh...and a recap for those of you who don't know about what we're dealing with here:

• Factor V (1 copy)
• MTHFR (1 copy)-extra folic acid (I forgot to add this above)
• Elevated Natural Killer (NK) cells
• Borderline high APA (antiphosopholipid antibodies)

Tomorrow Doesn't Have to Come

I got my wish. I had said after my most recent loss in May that I was hoping by the end of the summer I'd know what was going on and have a "plan" in place.

Now? Now I don't even know if I want to have a child anymore.

Tomorrow I'm going back to SIRM for the official report. Although my doc called me two weeks ago and told me the news, I didn't return his call. I listened to his message, in some sort of dumbfounded state. I was on vacation, so the message while I was away came as an ultimate invasion of denial phase.

It's difficult for me to tell if I've just been hurt too much so I'm not even entertaining the thought any longer or if my focus has shifted. I'm going to be 36 next month, so it's not like I have a ton of time to change my mind (or figure it out for that matter), either.

All I know is that I've been good at not thinking about this whole mess this summer and now, here I am, with it smacking me in the face.

My Safe Zone Has Been Forever Ruined.

One of the many reasons that I enjoy taking Nittany to Dock Do.gs competitions is because it's pretty much kid-free land. Some people have kids but if they do, they don't bring them and they definitely don't talk about them incessantly. It's been so nice.

So, back at a competition in the end of July, I thought one of the women who jumps her dog was pregnant. I immediately felt a pit in the bottom of my stomach. However, later in the day, I saw the woman smoking. I immediately felt relieved. After all, what kind of pregnant woman smokes, knowing all the dangers?

The pit in my stomach came back yesterday, because there she was, with her adorable baby bump.

It took everything I had not to say something to her. I wanted to impore her to be thankful for what she had.

In the end, I went and found a quiet place (no small feat at a dog event) and found myself praying. I haven't prayed since last October when we lost our little bean. I prayed for strength and for the ability to accept. I'll never understand, but I want the ability to live with what's happenend to us.

In the end, I got up on the dock for the first time and jumped Nittany myself at Mr. SC's urging. He's always thought it would be good for me. I guess I'm a half decent fur-mommy, since she jumped two inches shy of her personal best on her first try with me!

An IF Casualty?

How much do you lean on IRL friends when it comes to IF? Do you have expectations of your friends that you do decide to confide in? If so, what are they? Do you think it's to be expected that your friendships will change/may end because of what you're going through?

I've been doing too much thinking lately I suppose and I'm wondering how all of you see yourselves when it comes to IF and others (others meaning those outside of your significant other if you are pursuing a family with a significant other).

I'm curious about your thoughts and responses.

The Hope Award

Thanks, Miss Ruby, for thinking of this and for thinking of me! If you aren't already a follower, hop on over and check out her blog. She writes from the heart and is an example of someone who's looked IF and RPL in the face and vowed to not let it run her life.

Here what you need to do ! Put that picture up that one up there on your blog and blog about one thing you're happy about right now and one thing that you're hoping for in the future. You are acknowledging something that's making you smile right now and also putting out there that you have hope for thing one amazing thing to happen in the future, for you to bring you even more happiness! oh and then you have to pass this award onto anyone who you believe would benefit from looking at their surroundings, their life now and finding happiness in it !

One thing I'm happy about right now...my pumpkin patch. Ok, well, it's actually just our garden, which has been yielding odd things this year. We planted the same as last year and ended up with hundreds of cucumbers (compared to ten last year), no bell peppers at all (compared to about 100 last year) and a crazy amount of pumpkins, some of which are huge. I wanted to take pictures to chronicle their growth, but to me it's too similar to a baby bump photo montage. I'll get there though. Today Mr SC and I making sundried tomatoes and spaghetti sauce from our tomatoes, too.

One thing I'm hopeful about for the future... to be better able to recognize and embrace all that I do have and not dwell on what I've lost. That, and someone to invent chocolate with all the taste and no calories. :)

My nominees are...

JC at Steps to Baby

Erika at Pollination Chronicles

Katie at From if to When

Adele at Delinquent Eggs

Jess at A Little Blog About the Big Infertility

All My Thoughts, Jumbled Into Mush

It felt so good to go on vacation. Gosh, I wish we could go back. It was so wonderful to spend time with each other and our pooches and soak in the sand and the rays. Mr SC kept asking me why I had my eyes closed and if I was tired. Truth is, while I was sitting on that beach chair, I just kept trying to breath in every moment. I wanted to be able to sear everything into my senses so when I needed a "happy place", I could close my eyes and feel everything.

I'm not sure why I'm so sad now that I'm home. It's Mr SC's birthday and I feel like a lousy wife. We decided not to give each other "gifts" this year because our "gift" is going to the Colts/Redskins game in October. That's great and all, but I felt like I shoved cards at him and that was it...random any other day of the week. We can't have freaking sex because damn AF showed on Wednesday and is still here. Actually, I started spotting a half decent amount on the second day on our vacation. Yep. Blah. So, I asked Mr SC what kind of cake he wanted. His reply? Pineapple upside down cake. Sure, I can do that. Well, the recipe only made one nine inch cake. Mr SC said hmmm...that's going to be small. No problem! I made two. Too bad in the second one I forgot to put the eggs in. What a freaking flake I am.

So I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. Why? I can pretend that the phone call last week was good news but for me, I guess it wasn't. So many of your posts were so thoughtful and encouraging. Elevated NK cells and infusions (yes, IL infusions and not IVIG). Great! I'm fixed.

That's what we thought before our last loss. We thought I was fixed and so clearly I wasn't.

While we were away, I thought long and hard about not having a baby. I was pretty much resigned to the fact that TTC was over. It's taken too much from me and I want to survive intact. Another miscarriage and, well, I don't know if that would be so true anymore. Then, the phone call came. Perhaps that's supposed to be some sort of sign? I don't know.

After I listened to the message for a fourth time, I started sobbing. Mr SC just held me. He didn't understand why I was so upset. "It's good that there's something to fix!" he said. I replied, "but what's going to fix me?" I explained that I don't know if I'll ever be ready to try again and, if we do, it's not going to be for a while. In the back of my mind, I'd like to take a break until the spring. Why spring? Well, if I miscarry again, hopefully it will be over summer break from school. How twisted is that? I'm timing TTC around when I would be best able to mourn the loss of another baby. He's so understanding and told me that all he wants is me and for me to be ok. He wants a baby but my sanity and my emotional well-being is what matters the most to him. That made me feel better.

I did spell out one condition to Mr SC. I don't do this in our marriage, spell out conditions. However, I told him that before we move forward (whether that means to stop trying or to go ahead) that I wanted us to go to therapy together. He agreed. In the past, I've told him I thought it would be "a good idea" for him to try it out for himself, etc. This time, I flat out asked. We're not there yet though. My follow-up appointment is next week and we'll take it from there.

The results of the tests though are what I can't get out of my head. Four different times I was pregnant and four different times my body killed my baby. That's all I can think about. As a life was fighting to grow inside me, I killed it. Some mother I am.

I'm Home...With Much to Process

Hi everyone! I'm home. I'm semi-unpacked and the laundry is finished, but now I'm getting back to the important stuff...getting caught up on my reading/commenting!

I have so many thoughts swimming around in my head, especially in light of my test results. There were also several of you who gave me a great deal to think about while I was away (I was reading but I couldn't comment). But, instead of dealing with any of that important stuff...

We had a great time on vacation. Aside from the car battery dying (on the beach, without jumper cables and it was my fault), it was fabulous. Our days pretty much consisted of beach for about four hours (with pooches), go back to hotel and go to pool, relax, go back to beach for another few hours. It was wonderful.

I appreciated your suggestions about the Outer Banks, but we go south of Nags Hea.d, etc. Our two pooches were with us also, so we couldnt' stop to eat anywhere on the way home (the pooches enjoyed their Mc.Donald's hamburgers, though).

So, instead of dealing with anything of real substance, here are some pics from our vacation!

This is Lewie, digging to find a crab

This is one morning when Mr SC and I headed out to the beach at 6:15am so he could go fishing and I could look for shells. That's our SUV and him on the far right.

Here are the two of us on our last night. We had the beach to ourselves!

The pictures don't do these rainbows justice. They were the brightest I've ever seen!

The Results are In!

I'm coming out of vacation hibernation to tell you that the testing from SIRM has turned up something. When I get home and have more time to read, process and figure out how to spell things, I'm sure I'll have more to say.

For now, I wanted to let you know that I have elevated natural killer cells and borderline high antiphospholipid cells. Both are treated with IVIG infusions and heparin, repectively.

I'd really appreciate it if you'd let me know if you're in the same boat.

Ok, back to being a beach bum. I miss you all and am looking forward to getting caught up when I get home.

Hitting the Road

Thank you. Thank you to each and every one of you who commented on my blog and who emailed me. After the shitty day I had, I can't tell you how much better it made me feel. Knowing that people understand and that I'm not alone means the world to me.

I'm heading off to the Outer Banks bright and early at 3am tomorrow morning and we won't be back until Friday. Saying that I'm excited doesn't even do how I'm feeling justice (especially after the day I had yesterday!) I've decided not to take my laptop and therefore I won't be able to comment on any blogs (although I'll be reading on my phone). I'll leave you with a picture ofMr SC with Nittany in the water last year.

One last thing before I sign off. If you get a chance (and you aren't already a follower), stop on over at Michelle's blog. She endured years of pain and procedures before getting pregnant. Her baby girl Kaitlin is set to arrive on Tuesday and she's counting down the days! She's an incredible woman and I consider her a real friend, even though we've never met. Good luck, Michelle!