An Ending and a Question

Each day that goes by brings something new these days with our little Nitt.any Lion and, just when we think we have it figured out, it changes.  :)   One thing that hasn't changed is A's sleeping through the night.  She sleeps about eight hours a night!

I headed to the doctor this week for a physical and to talk about cholesterol.  I've had a history of high cholesterol and had been on medication for it since I was 25.  It's genetic and, even when I was working out six days a week and eating no meat and almost no cholesterol, it was still super high.  Anyway, TTC ended the meds three years ago.  Now, I've learned that it's back up there.  No doubt that the gestational diabetes added to it, too.  Mr SC and I talked about it and decided I should go back on meds, now.  This means no more breastfeeding.  I've been breast and bottle-feeding because I never quite produced enough (even with trying a variety of different things) but I'm still pretty upset about it.  I had wanted to continue until she was five months old.  It's important for Baby A to have her mother alive and healthy though, so it's what I have to do.

Something else I've been kicking around is whether or not to make the blog private.  I didn't really want to go private but, for those of you who are interested, I did want to share pics of Baby A.   I decided not to go private for the time being and, for those of you who want to keep up with things, we could be friends on FB.  I know that's a worlds colliding thing and all that, but honestly, there are several of you who I think of often and would love to keep better connected.   You'll have to send me an email though because you can't find me on FB from an email search.

Finally, hubs and I were asked to be interviewed for an article about infertility in a central Pennsylvania parent's magazine.  I really want to do it but I'm hesitant to have my name attached to the article.  I'm a teacher and I'm always fearful of parents and kids knowing too much about my personal life.  I'm wondering though if an interview from someone who wishes to remain anonymous just reinforces the isolation and stigma of IF.  Thoughts?

I Never Thought...

That I'd be the Woman Who:

• would finally figure out what love was all about and what marriage was supposed to be at 33
• would want a child so desperately
• suffered through four miscarriages, with no apparent answers or reasons for any of them
• would be lucky enough to have a beautiful rainbow baby
• loves to live in the country, in a small town without a traffic signal
• stopped following the news religiously
• would develop a love for gardening (although you can't much tell this year)
• would lose friends because I had a baby (and not IRL friends but friends from the IF community)

What Good's Another?

For those of you who've been following my blog for a while, you know that MIL lives next door.  It's not right next door, as there's land between us, but nonetheless, it's still next door.  Up until recently, she's been the best MIL.  Love, love, love her.

Until Baby A was born.

Immediately after A's birth, she did some bizarre stuff that really, really stung.  She decided, the day after A was born, to keep her plans and go to the family camp for the long holiday weekend (4th of July).  Most of the family went, too (fine, fewer visitors at hospital), but MIL was always the one who was going to take care of our dogs after the baby was born while we were in the hospital.  That meant that Mr SC had to drive home in the morning and a night again to take care of the dogs (leaving us at the hospital) until we found a friend who could help.  The hospital was 50 minutes away...so it wasn't easy.  

When she comes over to the house, she just sits and stares at the baby.  Stares.  Doesn't offer to help.  Doesn't bring dinner.  Just stares.  I'm sorry, but we don't have time to sit around and chit chat/visit so you can just stare at the baby.  

The garden we have is supposed to be a collaborative effort.  Weeding, picking, etc. is shared by us.  She's stepped foot in the garden one time this year.  Once.  I've come to learn that many, many newborns must be held almost 24-7 or they cry.  Baby A is getting better (we can put her down when she's sleeping during the day now) but, especially in the beginning, it was tough to deal with the garden (58 tomato plants, green beans, snap peas, peppers) and keep up with it.  She's not interested at all in the garden this year.  It's been tough for Mr SC and I'm not much help because of the baby.

This post has turned into a bitch.y one, and that's not really what I intended.  I just am at a loss here.  She's been so incredibly bizarre and what I've posted is  just a bit of what's going on.  She recently shared that she was so sick with worry during the pregnancy and I'm wondering if that has something to do with it.  

Or, my ultimate fear?  This is her 11th grandchild.  I fear that, to her, Baby A is just a dime a dozen where grandbabies are concerned.  Then, there's my mother, who lives an hour and a half away and would kill for the chance to see her grandchild on a daily basis.  I'm the only child and this is her only grandchild.

Looking back, I'm not sure why I wrote this post.  Perhaps for insight?  To get it off my chest?  I'm not sure.  Anyway, if you've read the post this far, thanks.  :)

A New Chapter

Today is an odd day for me.  It's the first day of school and, for the first time in fourteen years, I'm not there.  I thought perhaps it would be difficult but I can honestly say it's not.  That just makes me more concerned for what it will be like to leave Baby A when I do return to work.

So, what's been going on these days?

Baby A is 8 1/2 weeks old.  She's turning more and more into an infant and not a newborn.  She's incredibly strong physically and extremely strong-willed mentally.  We have a running debate if she's stubborn like her daddy or mommy.  :)  She's smiling regularly and making tons of sounds, too.

We've had two overnights!   She spent the night with us at Grammy and Pop-Pop's (my parents) and also overnight at camp.  Both trips went very well!

She's sleeping longer.  The last four nights she's slept at least seven hours straight!

Mr SC has been home with us for a month now.  He hurt his elbow at work before the baby was born and reaggravated it when he returned.  I hate that he's in pain but him being home couldn't have happened at a better time.  We take turns being "on duty" with her and it's really been working out well.

The last few days, we've been able to put her down when she's napping.  Before that, you pretty much had to hold her all the time or she screamed.  I love holding my daughter more than anything, but it's tough to have to hold her 24 hours a day.  She loves her swing now, too.  

A friend of the family is going to watch her when I return to work in December.  She watches children from time to time for friends and Baby A will be the only one with her.  She lives about two minutes from our house and it's about 10 minutes from work for both of us. There is no way financially that we can afford for me to stay home longer but I know when the time comes, knowing Baby A will be with her will make it a little easier.

For those of you who are still reading, I thought I'd leave you with some of my favorite pics.  :)

Support...

My heart is breaking for a fellow blogger.   If you could, stop on by Jo's blog at
 http://jo-mojoworking.blogspot.com/.  She just found out that she had a chemical pregnancy after IVF.  It is her fourth loss.

She's been an incredible source of support to me and so many of us...I'm hoping that in some small way, this helps.

Finality

Today I started packing up my maternity clothes to take them to a consignment shop. As bizarre as this may sound, I liked my maternity wardrobe much better than my regular wardrobe.  How can that be?  I wasn't worried about being fat, I was simply concerned about looking the best that I could.  Guess I have some shopping to do in the near future.

Although Mr SC and I already decided on birth control (and he's likely having a vasectomy in the next few months), packing up the clothes makes me sad.  We are both so incredibly thankful for Baby A but yet it still makes us sad that the decision about not trying again has pretty much been made for us.  We can't go through TTC and the fear of miscarrying again.  We both know this deep in our hearts.  Still, it tore me apart to hear Mr SC admit that he wishes that we could have "a houseful of kids running around".  I hate that I can't give that to  him.

I know this decision is what's best for us and our family.  My head knows that.  My heart just can't help but be a little sad today.

Little Peanut

How about a list?  :)

1.  Every day is certainly a new adventure with Baby A.  Yesterday we had our first solo outing and went to see one of my friends.  That was our first official trip in the car (just the two of us), beyond going to the bank right down the street.  

2.  Last week at the doctor she was up to 7lbs 11oz.  She's sleeping better and now that we switched formula, she's having a better time with her stomach.

3.  Formula?  Yes, that's right.  I'm pumping and she's getting 2-3 bottles of breastmilk a day.  The rest is formula.  Perhaps I got too discouraged with bfing early on.  Baby A would get so upset and then I would get so upset and I hated the vicious cycle.  I was having problems with supply early on, too.  This has continued but I realize now that it's because I'm not doing it all the time.  

4.  Weight?  I haven't been on a scale but all my pre-pregnancy clothes fit me.  :)  I'm not happy with what I weighed before I got pregnant but it's nice that I've lost the weight from the past nine months.  I'll tackle the rest at some point.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Ok.  The first four things are pretty much blah, blah, blah baby stuff.  I have two more things and the first is pretty damn funny.

So yesterday I was changing a messy diaper only to have Baby A projectile poop all over the place.  It got all over the basket on the changing table (and everything in it), it got between her toes and ran down the wall in the nursery.  I couldn't stop laughing but I also stood there dumbfounded because I had no freaking clue where to even begin.   I decided to take a picture and share it with hubs for a good laugh.  Unfortunately, I hit the wrong button and posted the damn thing on Twi.tter!  Sorry to those of you who saw that! 

Also, my blog will be a bit different now that I've had Baby A.   Although I won't forget what got me to this place, I'm sure I'll be talking about her here quite a bit.  Another thing that's also different is that there won't be any more TTC for Mr SC and me.  For those who have been reading for a while, you may remember that last fall we had decided to stop trying before we found out we were pregnant.  TTC was too painful and the thought of another loss was just too much.  I follow many bloggers who have had their babies and who are now TTC #2.  Although we'd love to have more children, Baby A will be it for us.   It will be very strange to talk about birth control at my 6 week appointment.