How Will You Survive the Holidays?

I'm really trying to take some time to think about this. I absolutely love Christmas. My favorite part is all of the decorations/lights. I just love it. As much as I'm hurting right now, I've pledged to not let TTC rob me of enjoying it.


Mr SC and I started TTC in July 2008 but last year, the holidays weren't bad. I never really caught myself thinking oh, I should be pregnant by now or anything like that. This year though, I should be doing all of the "Baby's First Christmas" stuff, or at least be ready to pop or be well into my 2nd trimester.


The following is what I've come up with so far about how I'm going to try to cope. Any thoughts/advice/comments are welcome. I guess that's obvious, since I'm blogging about it.



1. Do what I can and only what I can. If I'm having a bad day, screw it. I'm not going to go through the motions.



2. I'm not doing anything I don't feel I can do. Thankfully, even though Mr SC has a very large family, they don't have many set traditions for Christmas. The only one is at his mother's house on Christmas Eve. It's huge. Mr SC will be hurt if I don't go. I'm going to try. Perhaps medication will help me with this. I don't know. When I need to leave though, I'm going home. I should be able to slip away easily, as about 20 people attend the chaotic, but fun, festivities. The length of my stay will depend in large part on if my SIL is there with newborn. (I'm not meaning to be repetitive, but for those who don't know the background, it's the SIL who had the same EDD as me from my first loss and gave birth on the day of my D&E from my 3rd loss).

3. No stockings this year from "Santa". It just reminds me that there should be one extra there that isn't.

Not much of a list yet, I know. It's a work in progress. That's where you come in.

What do you do to help yourself cope with the holidays?

Thank You

everyone for all of your kind words over the last few days. They meant a great deal to me.

Mr SC and I got through these last few days. I'm really glad we got away for a few days. It's still tough and it still absolutely sucks, but we're getting through it.

We got our tree today. It's all decorated with lights, balls and ribbon. The rest of the house though looks like a Christmas decoration store threw up all over the place. We'll get to the rest at some point.

The only really horrible part today was when I found our stockings. We always hang them up empty (including two for each pooch) until "Santa" comes. We decided not to hang them this year. It was too tough thinking that there is one that is missing.

I hope that everyone who celebrates enjoyed Thanksgiving.

I Miss You

November 25 will never be the same for me. It's the date that's haunted me for months, the date that I wish I could just sleep away and skip. It's my first EDD.

I know with certainty that nothing in my life will ever compare to the emotions I felt the day I saw that first BFP. It was such a mix of pure joy and excitement. I can still remember pacing throughout the house as I was shaking, waiting for Mr SC to come home so I could share with him the amazing news. We were both ecstatic and immediately started dreaming about what our life would be like. I started looking at all things baby online and got myself a cutie little ticker on thebu.mp.com. We drove to my mom's house, stopping at Targ.et along the way to get our baby "supplies" tell her. That night was almost magical for us.

All too soon, it was over. We shortly found out that my SIL was pregnant too, with the same EDD as me. She ended up delivering prematurely last month, the same day as my D&E for my 3rd loss.

This day will never be the same for me, just as my life has been forever changed.

I never got to know my little angel. I don't know if our little one was a boy or a girl or if she would have had green eyes like her mommy or amazing blue eyes like his daddy.

What I do know is I never thought I would experience such pain again in my life as I did when I miscarried in March. I was wrong. Our next two losses over the next few months have damaged me so deeply. The grief is, at times, competely unbearable. It turns me into a woman I don't like very much.

So my little angel, on this day that was supposed to be your birthday, I just need to tell you that I miss you so much. I never said those words out loud to you before because I knew I didn't need to. You've seen my tears too many times and my pain is evident to anyone who knows me. Today though, I felt I had to. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you or dream about what it would have been like to hold you in my arms. I hope, one day, I'll get to do just that. Until then, know that your mommy and daddy miss you so very much.

It's Almost Time

to get away! This is exactly why I wanted to go away somewhere with Mr SC. I have something to look forward to.

This weekend was tough. I stayed on Saturday and on Sunday I went to see my parents. My mom gets it. So does my stepfather. My aunt came also, who I used to be very, very close with. I felt badly that I wasn't much fun. It was so difficult though to watch my mom with my niece (who my aunt brought). She's five and all I kep thinking of was if my mom would ever get to play with her granddaughter, or if that chance died when we lost my little girl.

Thanks to all of your kind words from my earlier post. It made me feel so much better. I'm going to be a bad ICLWer this week. We're heading away tomorrow and 10:30 and won't be home until Thursday night. I'm NOT taking my laptop. :) I have a post that I'm working on for 11/25, but that's easy to post from my phone.

This Is Going to Be Harder Than I Thought

I certainly hope that today isn't a preview of coming attractions, but I think that's probably going to be the case. Gosh I can't wait to escape from reality on Tuesday and get away.

My friend, Katie, described it best. I feel like I've turned into "Emo Kelly". Seriously, Katie. You should get a patent on that or something.

I knew these next few days would be tough. This morning I decided to get my ass out of bed and go to Wegm.ans and Targ.et. Seriously, what could be bad at either of those places?? Well, I saw countless (literally, I stopped counting) pregnant women in all shapes and sizes. There were also several infants. Usually I'm good at not allowing these things to bother me. Today they did.

The worst of it though came in the car on the way down. Effing radio. There's this song by an artist that I don't particularly like, that evokes a great deal of emotion in me. It was playing a few years ago when I got the call that one of my very dear friends was in a serious car accident. She's fine, but even without the emotions I'm experiencing now, it's tough for me to listen to. I don't know why I just didn't turn the damn station.

~Tears stream, down your face, as you lose something you cannot replace.~

Yep. That was it for me. I was on the interstate and had to get off at the closest exit and uncontrollably sob. I tried to call Mr SC but he's running a tournament today. I didn't expect him to pick up. So, there I sat until I was finished sobbing. It didn't matter how satisfied I may have been with my appearance when I left my house (You know what I mean. I'm not saying I think I'm a hottie. I'm not. But, when the "primping" is done, it's that feeling you get when you glance that one last time and think, ok, that's what it's going to be today). I was a puffy, red. blotchy mess. The only saving grace was that I didn't see anyone I knew.

I'm not going out in public for several days.

Welcome, ICLW!

Hi everyone! Thanks for stopping by! You can read a bit more about our TTC journey on the right and a little more about "me" in general (what? there's more to me than TTC for 14 cycles and my 3 losses??) here.

Although TTC hasn't been necessarily "fun" (ok, well, other than the DTD part!), there are two wonderful things that have come of it. First, I truly think that it's brought DH (who I refer to as Mr SC) and I closer. It also has led me to *meet* and develop an amazing support system of women who truly understand what I'm going through. That, to me, is a tremendous comfort.

Um...

I have to post this and get this out. I can't talk about it or share it with anyone, so here I am.

My freaking mind is a mess right now. I am trying desperately not to think about the date, because then I automatically think...oh, it's 11/20. I was due in five days. I actually went out tonight with a group of friends for dinner/drinks. I haven't gone out much. It's the fear of leaving my controlled environment. I just moved out here two and a half years ago, so the chances of running in to someone I know are small. I'm sure you're sensing a but...

The office woman from my OBGYN was there. The one who frantically tried to get me an u/s appointment after my first prenatal visit and the u/s that was supposed to be joyous that wasn't. The one the next day that saw Mr SC at the doctor's office and told him how sorry she was (heck, she knew me by first name I'd been in and out so much since March with my pgs and losses), that she thought about us all night. With her was the only woman in the office who can successfully draw my blood. The one that cheered me on when I would get my HCG checked. The one who watched me break down on more than one occasion because I was so scared. They didn't say anything to me, which I was thankful for. What would they say? Hey, how are you? After I got over that, it was an ok night.

I'm so glad that Mr SC and I were careful this month. Even though the hematologist was great, I still have the RE visit and the more complete testing that I want. Oh yeah, there was that one time that we weren't...3 or 4 days before I Oed. I truly didn't think I was anywhere close to Oing so I hadn't been concerned. I hadn't been concerned. That is, until today. I hope this is just my effed up mind playing games with me.