Pay it Forward

To this day, I don't know how I would have survived my pregnancy without my doppler.  Starting at about 12 weeks, I started to listen to Baby A's heartbeat daily, until well into the 2nd trimester (when I felt her move daily).  Although there were a couple of times her hb was a little difficult to find, it was always there.  

I want to help someone feel better, the way I did, if possible.

So, I'm giving away my doppler, along with three large tubes of u/s gel to go with it.  Why I felt the need to buy three tubes?  I don't know.  Told ya I listened a lot.  :)

I believe it was about $90 total for everything when I bought it.

What would I like in return?

1.  For you to pay the shipping costs.

2.  For you to give it to someone else when you no longer feel the need to use it.

Please email me at pennstatekelly at gmail dot com

Living Life to Forget

So many of you have blogged or posted about your emotional state and how IF has changed you.  I really thought that, in all, I had dealt with things fairly well when going through our losses.  I knew that I went into self-preservation mode and retreated a bit.  I knew that I grieved.  I just didn't realize that the last several years of my life are pretty much absent from my memory.

There were a few instances where I thought this could have been the case but I brushed them off.  A couple of weeks ago though I was at the last PSU football game of the season (the first one without Joe as coach, which was a strange, strange thing).  My friend was commenting about games we had been to previously and was talking about a weekend trip we had made with her husband and Mr SC, too.

I remembered none of it.  Absolutely none of it.  In all, there were about five different things she had talked about that I easily should have remembered (several of which were significant) but I didn't.  The only thing I did remember (quite vividly) happened in the fall, just after we started TTC.  Before any of our losses.

The experience really got me thinking and talking to Mr SC about things when I got home.  I'm so upset with myself for essentially losing several years of my life completely.  What's worse is that I didn't even realize it.

I've spent time this morning reading back through my blog and the entries particularly from my pregnancy with Baby A.  I don't want to forget any of it but wow, to read back through it hurts like hell.

I wish more than ever I didn't essentially throw those years of  my life away.  I should say also that I wasn't drinking or heavily medicated to the point that I shouldn't remember, either.

I had thought that all of this had taught me not to take life for granted.  Turns out, by essentially not living through those last few years, that's all I was doing.

This morning, I woke up and thanked god for this miracle, as I do every morning.  I'm also thankful that I was given this day, too.  A day that, more than ever, I'm going to concentrate on embracing.

Angels and a Babe

This year, as we have done the last four years, Mr SC and I went to pick out our Christmas tree on Black Friday.  The last two years, we have spent Thanksgiving away, just the two of us.  The holiday falls on our EDD from our first loss and, well, we decided we wanted to devote that time to healing ourselves and our hearts.

This year, it was a truly emotional day.  Not only did we cook for my parents, but we got to spend our first Thanksgiving with our rainbow baby.  I got all choked up at dinner and was completely overcome with emotion.

As we decorated our tree, we hung our angel ornament that we bought two years ago, which was our way of including our lost babies in our holiday.  This year, we hung Alaina's first ornament, right next to the angel.

the ornament for our angels

Please ignore the bizarre things the sun/shadows did to my face!

                                      I don't have a fat lip! :)

My Little One

I wanted to share a couple of pics of Baby A from Halloween (which, here on the east coast, including a record snowstorm, complete with power losses for a week plus in some areas!)

Update

Hi, everyone.

After my mini-meltdown (er, post) from a few days ago, I wanted to say thank you.  I felt really shitty blogging about that in the first place and I was scared that I would anger people.  I was genuinely touched by the outpouring of support and understanding that I received.

I talked to Mr SC.  He admitted he was an ass.

Baby A is doing better.  We saw her ped and we started her on reflux medicine.  We aren't sure if it was reflux or a growth spurt or the start of teething, but she's much, much better.

Finally, I felt a huge sense of relief getting all of that off my chest.  I'm not sure if I think I have PPD but I did start Lex.apro again.  Plus, my first postpartum AF arrived the next day, which I'm sure didn't help matters any.

Again, thank you all so much.

Something Just Isn't Right Here

Being a mom to a three month old baby has changed me, both physically and emotionally.

If I'm being honest though, dealing with IF/RPL has changed me more.   

That may seem strange to say but to me, it's perfectly logical.  I love my daughter.  It's tough, sure.  Mr SC and I can be a little more short with each other these days, true.  However, it's all so natural.   There are tough moments and days (see my pp) but you get through it and learn that tomorrow is another day.  There may be crying, and vomit and shitty diapers, but there are also smiles and giggles and cuddles.

IF/RPL is like being stuck in hell.   Or being falsely imprisoned.  You're there through no fault of your own and your sentence is completely unfair and downright cruel.  You protest.  You fight.  You kick and scream.  All to no avail.

Even though I'm a mom now, I still think of each of you and IF every day.  I'm still pissed off.  Last night, I found out that my drug addict cousin, who just is fresh out of rehab (and using again), got his current girlfriend pregnant.  That's oops baby number three.  Today, at the pediatrician, there was a mom with a newborn in her stroller.  As everyone else was ooohing and ahhing over the baby, I zeroed in on something else.

She had a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in the cupholder of the stroller.  And yes, she was alone.  They belonged to her.

I wanted to scream at that the woman.  I thought about "The Truth About Trying".  I thought about what so many of you are still going through.  I thought about what I went through the last three years.  I wanted her to get it.  To understand.  To realize how dumb she was.

Isn't it disgusting how people take the most precious things in life for granted?

The Post I'm Afraid to Write

"I Can't Handle It"

In our four and a half years together, I've never heard anything close to that come out of my husband's mouth.   We've been through flooding in our house, flooding in our garage, a fire, eight surgeries between the two of us and four miscarriages.  Today is the day I heard those words.

I didn't complain once when I was pregnant.  Not from the shots.  Or the insomnia that lasted throughout the entire pregnancy.  Or the intense back pain.  Or the gestational diabetes.

I gotta say though...I hate myself right now.

I feel like a failure.  As a wife.  As a mother.  As a person.  Pretty much in every aspect of my life.

Tensions are high in the house right now.  It's pretty much par for the course with an infant.  I get that.  What makes me a horrible mother though?   Other than the fact that I can't bfeed anymore (which I'm having a hard time with),  I can't take it when Baby A cries.

I know, I know...you're probably all rolling your eyes right now.

I'm her mother.  I should be able to soothe her.  Sometimes, lately, I can try all of the 75 different things that are in my bag of tricks and none of them work.  It's to the point over the last couple of weeks that I'm afraid to leave the house.  She's not a car baby and ends up screaming herself to sleep.  It's just awful.  So, why leave the house?  I can take her for walks in the neighborhood and that's pretty much all I've been doing.  I have plans this weekend with a friend and it's a 45 minute drive.  I am terrified that all she'll do is cry in the car and there's nothing I'll be able to do to help her.

Today we ventured to the nearest city (30 minutes and pretty much our only option) to go shopping for a few things.  She just kept crying and crying and crying.  I ended up in the back seat with her, trying to calm her.  Nothing was working.   Feeling so overwhelmed, I started sobbing myself.  That's when my husband said it.  When I asked him for clarification, he said that her crying and me crying just drives him over the edge and he can't handle it.  Insert reason #57 why I suck as a wife.

I feel like a shitty ass person even posting this here, but I'm not sure where else to turn.  Baby A is what we wanted for so long.  So incredibly long.  I feel so disgusted with myself that I get so upset about things but I do and I'm not sure what to do about it.