Significant Others and Better Now

Significant Others: I've been thinking quite some time about how the men in our lives handle all of this. 95% of dealing with infertility rests with the female. Even if there is a diagnosis of MFI, the treatments, procedures, screenings aren't nearly as extensive (or invasive, imho) as for females. Do you think that makes this all easier for them or more difficult for them (or just different)? Even if males have difficulty with things, where do they turn for support? If women don't talk about IF IRL, males talk about it even less. I think there are only two blogs that I follow where males are the authors. How on earth do they cope without a support system?
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Better Now: I loved all the funny things that you posted and the things that you shared that you loved. :) I laughed hard for a while and the distraction certainly helped!

Things are better. I did also want to tell you that I could go in for a scan any day (weekends, too). They have time set aside each morning for patients that can just drop in. However, I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be able to be better in my head without having to see an u/s. For now, I just have to wait for more days.

Overall, too, I'm feeling good. I've only felt as if I were going to be sick a few times, but my stomach never feels good. It almost feels like I drank sour milk or something. The only time it feels better is when I eat. I'm having trouble with that, though. Food isn't particularly appealing, except for tomato sauce. I eat spaghetti of some form at least once a day.

Me and My Fu**ed Up Head

Yes, I do realize that the title isn't grammatically correct.

I need to get this out. I've been thinking about it and have been trying to work through it, but to no avail. So, here I am.

I am so nervous. I can't think of myself as pregnant. Even though in three of my other four losses I was "behind" on my first u/s, we were told (somehow, to some degree) that it could all be fine and to come back in a week for a follow-up.

I can't help but think that my little bean's heart has stopped beating. I have no reason to think this. I'm not having any problems...at all. Of course though, in my head, I figure that's because I'm on proges.terone and that's what stopping the inevitable spotting that would have occurred by now if I weren't on it.

It doesn't help that I stopped my Lex.apro after last week's good news. But, I then think that the fact that I'm allowing myself to have these bad thoughts is because something bad's happened and I just don't know it yet. After all, my ultra-calm state proved to be for a reason last week? Maybe I know this time, deep down.

One more week to go...

So, it remains to be seen if writing it out has actually helped. I don't know if there's any helping me. If you've read my ramblings to this point, post a comment about something you love. Or a funny story. Or something that no one knows about you. Or the soap op.era you watch.

The Most Beautiful Sound I've Ever Heard

was my baby's heartbeat this morning!!!!!!! I wasn't supposed to go in until next Thursday. We were concerned that at 6.5 weeks, it could cause too much concern. This morning though, I just had to go in. I've been fine. This morning though I just kept thinking about how could I make the choice to not know? I was already dressed for school, had mismatched socks on under my boots (lovely for my u/s) and haven't shaved my legs in forever. My RE laughed at me when she patted my leg and told me she had the heartbeat already and I apologized profusely for my fur.

My little nitta.ny lio.n is measuring right on target (a first at this stage for me) and has a heartbeat of 130BPM! :)

Dear Fertile Facebo.ok Idiot,

You have two kids already. You wanted another. Ta da! You got pregnant. You aren't having any problems. Goodie for you. Please though, don't be so ignorant as to post this for your status:

"Things I'd like for my bir.thday... surro.gate (I know its a little late for this), live in na.nny, ability to lose all my baby weight the day after labor! If you can send these gifts my way this year. ;0)"


Yours truly,

All of the infertile women out there who would give their right arm to be where you are right now

It's Official

Today, this afternoon, at 4pm, I've officially made it farther than I have in any of my other four pregnancies. I'm 6w2d and haven't had any problems. I went to the bathroom today more times that I can count, each time faithfully performing my TP inspection. Each time still not believing it.

I know that it's still so early. I know that something still could go wrong. But, for now, I'm happy. Happy is an understatement. I'm blubbering like a crazy person. I can't help it. My dogs are looking at me like I'm nuts.

Thanks for understanding and being there.

Please

I've been so proud of myself. Mr SC commented yesterday also that never in a million years would he have expected me to be like this this time around.


Relaxed. Calm. Not freaking out.


For the record, I've only cried once. I think that's pretty damn good, considering the circumstances.


Today though, I'm six weeks pregnant.


In three of my four losses, I didn't make it to this point without any problems. In my most recent miscarriage in the spring, I started spotting at 6w2d. That's Tuesday. This Tuesday.


I had a dream last night. In all of my losses, I had dreams that I miscarried. The dream last night was very different.


I had a baby. I'm not sure if it was a baby girl or boy but the baby was only a few months old and the dream was me juggling the regular household things (cooking, work for school), baby it tow. The baby also had an ear infection and I was running around trying to find a pediatrician.

Please universe. Powers that be. God. Buddha. Someone. Please let there be a heart beating inside me, other than my own. Please let that little heart keep beating strong until my child dies at the age of ninety years old.


Please let me hold our baby in my arms in July.

Parenting?

I know that this title and the subject of this post may seem odd, coming from someone who is infertile and doesn't have a child. However, Mr SC and I encoutered a couple of things over the last few days that left us scratching our heads. I thought I'd throw it out there to see what others say. I know I'm being judgemental here, which makes me feel icky. I guess one of the reasons I'm putting this out there is to help me see the other side (is there one?)

As my disclaimer, I know that when I am a mom, I will make mistakes. Tons of them. I also know there are different viewpoints out there about how to best handle things. Again, this is why I'm posting here.

Situation #1: Mr SC and I are at a restaurant last Wednesday. There's a couple there with a young girl (I'd say about seven). At their dinner table (well, the restaurant table) is a DVD player, playing a movie, in front of the young girl. The couple is talking and not really interacting with child. She is then running around the table, not eating her food, etc. etc.

Situation #2: Mr SC and I are at the Pen.n State football game yesterday. For those of you who aren't familiar with the stadium, it seats 108,000 people. It gets loud and rowdy. Young girl (who is about seven) is playing a game the entire football game on an ipad looking device. She is oblivous to what's going on around her and is only content when someone else is playing game with her.

Thoughts?