Today, this afternoon, at 4pm, I've officially made it farther than I have in any of my other four pregnancies. I'm 6w2d and haven't had any problems. I went to the bathroom today more times that I can count, each time faithfully performing my TP inspection. Each time still not believing it.
I know that it's still so early. I know that something still could go wrong. But, for now, I'm happy. Happy is an understatement. I'm blubbering like a crazy person. I can't help it. My dogs are looking at me like I'm nuts.
Thanks for understanding and being there.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Please
I've been so proud of myself. Mr SC commented yesterday also that never in a million years would he have expected me to be like this this time around.
Relaxed. Calm. Not freaking out.
For the record, I've only cried once. I think that's pretty damn good, considering the circumstances.
Today though, I'm six weeks pregnant.
In three of my four losses, I didn't make it to this point without any problems. In my most recent miscarriage in the spring, I started spotting at 6w2d. That's Tuesday. This Tuesday.
I had a dream last night. In all of my losses, I had dreams that I miscarried. The dream last night was very different.
I had a baby. I'm not sure if it was a baby girl or boy but the baby was only a few months old and the dream was me juggling the regular household things (cooking, work for school), baby it tow. The baby also had an ear infection and I was running around trying to find a pediatrician.
Please universe. Powers that be. God. Buddha. Someone. Please let there be a heart beating inside me, other than my own. Please let that little heart keep beating strong until my child dies at the age of ninety years old.
Please let me hold our baby in my arms in July.
Relaxed. Calm. Not freaking out.
For the record, I've only cried once. I think that's pretty damn good, considering the circumstances.
Today though, I'm six weeks pregnant.
In three of my four losses, I didn't make it to this point without any problems. In my most recent miscarriage in the spring, I started spotting at 6w2d. That's Tuesday. This Tuesday.
I had a dream last night. In all of my losses, I had dreams that I miscarried. The dream last night was very different.
I had a baby. I'm not sure if it was a baby girl or boy but the baby was only a few months old and the dream was me juggling the regular household things (cooking, work for school), baby it tow. The baby also had an ear infection and I was running around trying to find a pediatrician.
Please universe. Powers that be. God. Buddha. Someone. Please let there be a heart beating inside me, other than my own. Please let that little heart keep beating strong until my child dies at the age of ninety years old.
Please let me hold our baby in my arms in July.
Parenting?
I know that this title and the subject of this post may seem odd, coming from someone who is infertile and doesn't have a child. However, Mr SC and I encoutered a couple of things over the last few days that left us scratching our heads. I thought I'd throw it out there to see what others say. I know I'm being judgemental here, which makes me feel icky. I guess one of the reasons I'm putting this out there is to help me see the other side (is there one?)
As my disclaimer, I know that when I am a mom, I will make mistakes. Tons of them. I also know there are different viewpoints out there about how to best handle things. Again, this is why I'm posting here.
Situation #1: Mr SC and I are at a restaurant last Wednesday. There's a couple there with a young girl (I'd say about seven). At their dinner table (well, the restaurant table) is a DVD player, playing a movie, in front of the young girl. The couple is talking and not really interacting with child. She is then running around the table, not eating her food, etc. etc.
Situation #2: Mr SC and I are at the Pen.n State football game yesterday. For those of you who aren't familiar with the stadium, it seats 108,000 people. It gets loud and rowdy. Young girl (who is about seven) is playing a game the entire football game on an ipad looking device. She is oblivous to what's going on around her and is only content when someone else is playing game with her.
Thoughts?
As my disclaimer, I know that when I am a mom, I will make mistakes. Tons of them. I also know there are different viewpoints out there about how to best handle things. Again, this is why I'm posting here.
Situation #1: Mr SC and I are at a restaurant last Wednesday. There's a couple there with a young girl (I'd say about seven). At their dinner table (well, the restaurant table) is a DVD player, playing a movie, in front of the young girl. The couple is talking and not really interacting with child. She is then running around the table, not eating her food, etc. etc.
Situation #2: Mr SC and I are at the Pen.n State football game yesterday. For those of you who aren't familiar with the stadium, it seats 108,000 people. It gets loud and rowdy. Young girl (who is about seven) is playing a game the entire football game on an ipad looking device. She is oblivous to what's going on around her and is only content when someone else is playing game with her.
Thoughts?
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thankful
Yep, I'm getting on the "thankful" bandwagon, too. In all seriousness though, I'm the kind of person who tries to reflect regularly on what I'm thankful for. It's one of the main things that's helped me get through our RPL. I thought I'd post things here and I've decided to only post about things non-TTC related.
1. Flowers and my garden. This is going to sound incredibly lame, but every plant that I plant, every flower that blooms and every pumpkin that grows in our garden I'm thankful for. It amazes me that I have a knack for growing things and how beautiful nature is.
2. My dogs. Back in 2003, I rescued my black lab mix (or, according to the doggie DNA kit that I did...my westie and chow chow mix) the day I moved into my new apartment (that I selected because I liked but also because it allowed dogs). Lewie (short for King Louis XIX, which is the next one in line in France) has been there for me through all life's ups and downs. I love that dog. We also rescured our yellow lab, Nittany, together a couple of years ago. She's an amazing dog for all sorts of different reasons. It's amazing just how different doggie personalities can be.
3. Having a job that I love. I'm a high school social studies teacher. I teach 9th grade U.S. history and 12th grade AP U.S. Government. In this economy, I'm thankful to have a job, period. I'm also thankful though that every morning when I get up, I get to do something that I enjoy.
4. My ability to think. Now, this one can get me in trouble sometimes, but I love the way my mind works (when I'm not obsessing over TTC, that is). I'm not afraid to question. I'm always learning and seeking new information. And, although I hate to say this, but I'm thankful for being relatively intelligent.
5. The roof over our heads. We aren't wealthy. At. all. We don't have much. I have a half decent amount of credit card debt. Yet, every month we're still able to pay our bills, save and also are fairly able travel.
6. The internet. This is something that I think about almost every day. I remember distinctly when I was in college and it was first readily available (remember, I'm 36!). As a teacher, I can't imagine life without it.
7. My mom. My mom is my best friend and, if I'm being honest, she's one of the reasons that I want to have a child. Not to "give" her a grandchild, but because of the bond that she and I have.
8. Mr SC. :)
This is a pretty boring list...the standard, if you will. It felt good to write it all down, though.
1. Flowers and my garden. This is going to sound incredibly lame, but every plant that I plant, every flower that blooms and every pumpkin that grows in our garden I'm thankful for. It amazes me that I have a knack for growing things and how beautiful nature is.
2. My dogs. Back in 2003, I rescued my black lab mix (or, according to the doggie DNA kit that I did...my westie and chow chow mix) the day I moved into my new apartment (that I selected because I liked but also because it allowed dogs). Lewie (short for King Louis XIX, which is the next one in line in France) has been there for me through all life's ups and downs. I love that dog. We also rescured our yellow lab, Nittany, together a couple of years ago. She's an amazing dog for all sorts of different reasons. It's amazing just how different doggie personalities can be.
3. Having a job that I love. I'm a high school social studies teacher. I teach 9th grade U.S. history and 12th grade AP U.S. Government. In this economy, I'm thankful to have a job, period. I'm also thankful though that every morning when I get up, I get to do something that I enjoy.
4. My ability to think. Now, this one can get me in trouble sometimes, but I love the way my mind works (when I'm not obsessing over TTC, that is). I'm not afraid to question. I'm always learning and seeking new information. And, although I hate to say this, but I'm thankful for being relatively intelligent.
5. The roof over our heads. We aren't wealthy. At. all. We don't have much. I have a half decent amount of credit card debt. Yet, every month we're still able to pay our bills, save and also are fairly able travel.
6. The internet. This is something that I think about almost every day. I remember distinctly when I was in college and it was first readily available (remember, I'm 36!). As a teacher, I can't imagine life without it.
7. My mom. My mom is my best friend and, if I'm being honest, she's one of the reasons that I want to have a child. Not to "give" her a grandchild, but because of the bond that she and I have.
8. Mr SC. :)
This is a pretty boring list...the standard, if you will. It felt good to write it all down, though.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Not a Label that I'm Comfortable With
Pregnant. It's not. With four losses under our belts, it's hard to even think of myself as pregnant. Is it because I'm in disbelief? Denial? Am I trying to detach myself because I think it will be less painful when it doesn't work out? I don't know.
So far, I'm fine. Makes sense if I'm in denial about being pregnant, doesn't it? The only time that's difficult is at night. That's when I use the progesterone gel (which, I don't know why it's called gel, but that's another thing) and Mr SC gives me my shot. I shiver. He thinks it's just because I'm cold from the ice on my stomach. Nope. It's in those few moments of the day that I allow myself to think about being pregnant. Getting through today will be a small milesetone for me. I'm 5w2d and I was this far with pregnancy #3 when I started spotting. That was our first yes it's fine-no it's not-yes it is-no it's not-oh, there's a hearbeat-you're miscarrying roller coaster.
Mr SC and I are leaving shortly to head to the Pocono.s. The EDD from our first miscarriage is on the 25th. We went away last year, to completely be by ourselves. We also decided to flee the scene because we wanted something to look forward to (the travel) rather than dwelling on the calendar. It was still difficult, but it made it easier. We rented a cabin on the lake this year and have reservations for dinner on Thanksgiving that we're both looking forward to.
So far, I'm fine. Makes sense if I'm in denial about being pregnant, doesn't it? The only time that's difficult is at night. That's when I use the progesterone gel (which, I don't know why it's called gel, but that's another thing) and Mr SC gives me my shot. I shiver. He thinks it's just because I'm cold from the ice on my stomach. Nope. It's in those few moments of the day that I allow myself to think about being pregnant. Getting through today will be a small milesetone for me. I'm 5w2d and I was this far with pregnancy #3 when I started spotting. That was our first yes it's fine-no it's not-yes it is-no it's not-oh, there's a hearbeat-you're miscarrying roller coaster.
Mr SC and I are leaving shortly to head to the Pocono.s. The EDD from our first miscarriage is on the 25th. We went away last year, to completely be by ourselves. We also decided to flee the scene because we wanted something to look forward to (the travel) rather than dwelling on the calendar. It was still difficult, but it made it easier. We rented a cabin on the lake this year and have reservations for dinner on Thanksgiving that we're both looking forward to.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Decision, Update and ICLW
I'd like to say welcome to anyone visiting my blog from ICLW! I'm Kelly and my husband (referred to here as Mr SC) and I have been trying for our first child since July 2008. The whole story is on the right, but the scorecard so far is pregnancies: 4 babies: TBD. Up until a few weeks ago, that would have been zero. But, I need to mention up front that we found out I was pregnant a week ago (I'm now five weeks), so this blog has a different focus now than my "three words" I gave when I signed up for ICLW.
I saw my RE this morning for my last HCG and progesterone check. We also talked about my 1st u/s that she was looking at for 12/2 (and I had talked about before). I told her that Mr SC and I would like to wait until 12/9. I'll be 7.5 weeks and it will be less ambiguous. She agreed. So, I won't be going back in until then.
My progesterone is lower. It's still within normal range and my RE thinks it's just fine, but I freaked out. She tried to explain that it can fluctuate, it is still normal, etc. etc. I feel badly, but I wasn't listening. She then said that she knew me and knew I would react this way so she would put me on progesteron.e. She stressed that she doesn't think I need it, but she knows with my RPL that it would help for me to have peace of mind and it can't hurt. I have gel (this should be fun) and thankfully, my insurance covers it.
Not an earth-shattering post, but I wanted to update.
I hope that everyone is having a good weekend.
I saw my RE this morning for my last HCG and progesterone check. We also talked about my 1st u/s that she was looking at for 12/2 (and I had talked about before). I told her that Mr SC and I would like to wait until 12/9. I'll be 7.5 weeks and it will be less ambiguous. She agreed. So, I won't be going back in until then.
My progesterone is lower. It's still within normal range and my RE thinks it's just fine, but I freaked out. She tried to explain that it can fluctuate, it is still normal, etc. etc. I feel badly, but I wasn't listening. She then said that she knew me and knew I would react this way so she would put me on progesteron.e. She stressed that she doesn't think I need it, but she knows with my RPL that it would help for me to have peace of mind and it can't hurt. I have gel (this should be fun) and thankfully, my insurance covers it.
Not an earth-shattering post, but I wanted to update.
I hope that everyone is having a good weekend.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Happenings
Before I even begin talking about anything else, I have to say thank you times a million for all of your support. I was really scared about blogging about being pregnant. There are just such amazing people in this community and that means so much to me.
Mr SC and I went to therapy together for the first time last night. I've been going myself for over a year and I thought it would be helpful for Mr SC to go, too. My therapist referred us to another therapist and I was a little hesitant. Mr SC doesn't talk much, so, well therapy??
When we started out and she asked us what brings us...I started and Mr SC asked if I minded if he explained. I almost fell over. It went really well and I'm glad. We're going to be going once a month. After that hour, I can honestly say I love Mr SC a little more than I did when we walked through those doors.
So far with #5, so good. My second set of betas just came back and my doubling time is 40 hours. I'm set to have one more check either Saturday or Monday.
I did talk to the doctor today to ask if there was anything else I could be doing. He's checking my progesterone again on Saturday/Monday and he reassured me that it's great for where I am. I asked him if there was anything else that I could be doing and he said no. I know some of you suggested things, but I really feel like at this point, I have to trust him. Of course, I'll ask the different doctor I see the next time I go in, just to be sure. :) They'd like me to have an ultrasound on 12/2. It's a little later than they usually do it but we know that it will best to hold off a bit for my own sanity. Problem with that date is, well, first...I'll only be 6.5 weeks. Second, it's the EDD from the baby we lost in May (#4).
I'm doing well, too. I can't obsess. I can't freak out. What's the point? It's just going to get me all worked up, which won't be helpful to anyone.
Mr SC and I went to therapy together for the first time last night. I've been going myself for over a year and I thought it would be helpful for Mr SC to go, too. My therapist referred us to another therapist and I was a little hesitant. Mr SC doesn't talk much, so, well therapy??
When we started out and she asked us what brings us...I started and Mr SC asked if I minded if he explained. I almost fell over. It went really well and I'm glad. We're going to be going once a month. After that hour, I can honestly say I love Mr SC a little more than I did when we walked through those doors.
So far with #5, so good. My second set of betas just came back and my doubling time is 40 hours. I'm set to have one more check either Saturday or Monday.
I did talk to the doctor today to ask if there was anything else I could be doing. He's checking my progesterone again on Saturday/Monday and he reassured me that it's great for where I am. I asked him if there was anything else that I could be doing and he said no. I know some of you suggested things, but I really feel like at this point, I have to trust him. Of course, I'll ask the different doctor I see the next time I go in, just to be sure. :) They'd like me to have an ultrasound on 12/2. It's a little later than they usually do it but we know that it will best to hold off a bit for my own sanity. Problem with that date is, well, first...I'll only be 6.5 weeks. Second, it's the EDD from the baby we lost in May (#4).
I'm doing well, too. I can't obsess. I can't freak out. What's the point? It's just going to get me all worked up, which won't be helpful to anyone.
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