S.ATC Question

For those of you who are fans, I'm sure I don't have to tell you about the sequel coming up. I loved the show much more than the film, but was still excited about the new movie.

Until I saw the commercial last night.

Carrie said that she and Big were somewhere between sex and a baby and was talking about how the relationship lost its spark.

Does anyone know...does this mean that a major part of the storyline will be her trying to have a child? I don't know if I'm going to see it if that's the case.

I also read that Chris Daugh.try (who I LOVE) and his wife are expecting twins via IVF and a gestational surrogate. I always am so happy to hear when people are willing to share things like this. It makes IF and all that it involves a little less taboo of a subject.

When Was the Last Time Your Body Felt "Normal"?

This question hit me yesterday like a ton of bricks. I keep saying to Mr SC that all I want to feel is "normal" again. That extends to my body, too.

I tried to think back to a time when I wasn't recovering from surgery, or recovering from miscarriage (or pregnant, even for a short time, for that matter), or taking hormones, or injections, or whatever.

My answer? February of 2009. There were two weeks in August of 2009 when I can say the same, but since I was dealing with scar tissue (which I didn't know about at the time, and the symptoms it presents), I'm not sure if that counts. I was bloated and was bleeding on and off oddly, but I didn't know why.

Since February of 2009, I've gained 15ish pounds (which I really didn't need) and have pretty much forced my body to surrender to my mental state (meaning frustration, depression, anxiety, etc.).

I know it's going to take a long time and I know it's going to take a ton of work. I also know I'm going to have bad days (yesterday I had a freakout) but I want to get back to myself physically. I'm still dealing with recovering physically from the miscarriage and I still have hcg in me, but I want to remember what my body felt like before it got all fucked up.

I can't be alone in feeling this way, which is why I posted it. I can talk to hubs but he doesn't really understand. He's never had to deal with this physical stuff. So, I'm talking the talk...let's see if I can walk the walk.

Remind me of this when my due date from my third loss comes up on Thursday (5/20), ok?

The weather here this weekend has been beautiful. I'm going to get back outside and enjoy it (after I enjoy my coffee).

Moving Forward

So I'm 5dpm/c (that made me chuckle a little...perhaps an indicator that's something's wrong with me) and I'm feeling better. I'm still crampy and stuff, but it's getting better. Mr SC and I went out to eat last night and then came home and planted a new tree and flowers in our yard. I stopped into school today to get a massive pile of papers to grade and I'm set to return on Monday.

Finally, I have a bit of a direction. My good friend, Katie, had suggested I get in touch with someone she knows who had gotten to the bottom of her 18 miscarriages through the She.r Institute, to see if she could offer any insight. When I looked into their locations, I soon discovered that there is an office about two and a half hours from me. The chief RE there did a fellowship specifically dealing with RPL. I mustered up the courage and called.

My last day of school is 6/11/10. I have four trips scheduled and am looking forward to our break (although I knew I'd use the summer to try to investigate what's going on).

My jaw nearly dropped on the floor when I got an appointment on Tuesday, June 15th!

The woman that I spoke to was very nice and offered a phone consultation, due to the distance we would be driving. Mr SC and I agreed though that we wanted to go and meet with the doctor in person.

So that's that.

A Relief

I had my follow-up this morning with the RE. The cytot.ec worked (in fact, he was very pleased with how quickly and how well it worked). I have a follow-up with my regular RE on 6/22.

Not to get into that much detail, but yesterday things started happening an hour and a half after it was administered. And by "things", I mean significant things. Most of it was over in two hours. The severe cramping didn't come until later and lasted into the night (which was hell and required a double dose of my prescription paid medication) but is over now.

I'm sad but I'm relieved. I'm just glad it's over. I'm taking the rest of the week off from school and I'll head back on Monday, 5/17.

Thanks to everyone for your support and thanks to everyone who helped with information/answered my questions. It made the hell a little easier.

What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, right?

Update

I thought with everything that's been going on, I should bring everyone up to speed about things.

Tomorrow I am heading into my RE in the morning for her to administer the Cytote.c. I'll be 10w6d tomorrow and still nothing. I know some of you commented on a previous post of mine that I should try to see that as a good thing, that my body is trying desperately to hold on to a pregnancy. Somehow though, I can't see it that way. I can't have a D&E (unless the Cytote.c doesn't work) because of my scar tissue (otherwise, I would have had one a week and a half ago).

Anyway, I'm just hoping that it works. Apparently it doesn't in about 15-20% of the women who take it (and we all know how I generally fall in the statistics department).

I was also proud of myself today. This is my FB status:
Happy Mother's Day to everyone who is missing their mom today, every woman who yearns to be a mother and those women who are mothers to angels in heaven.

The Pity Party's Over

I'm struggling with things (for obvious reasons) but I feel like all my posts are all "woe is me". Frankly, I'm tired of feeling this way. Life isn't fair. Often, it downright sucks. However, I'm tired of wallowing in self-pity. So this is it. I'm going to do my best to be more positive and hold myself up, even when I don't feel like it.

I'm not sure how much of this is me having an epiphany or how much of it is me being numb to all of this. I hope that my way of coping isn't just to turn it all off, but only time will tell.

I have one last thing to share and then I'm officially packing up all the balloons for the party.

I remember last year at this time so vividly. Last year on Mother's Day, I was pregnant. I was just six weeks, but I was still pregnant. Ironic that I'm now pregnant again with another non-viable pregnancy, but I digress. I had gone shopping and came home to two beautiful lilies on my front porch. When I asked DH what they were for, he told me that he got them for me for Mother's Day. I still haven't decided if I'm going to keep them or not. I planted them and they keep growing in my garden, much unlike the little bean that stopped growing inside me weeks ago.

Last year, one of my very dear friends had just found out she was pregnant. I'm not sure if she even remembers this or not. She said to me that this was the best Mother's Day ever. My reply? No, I think that next year will be the best ever. If I only knew the heartbreak that was in store for me.

Nothing's Happening

Absolutely nothing.

I'm 10w1d today and my body still hasn't recognized that this pregnancy isn't viable. I am still holding out hope that I don't have to take the cytot.ec, but only time will tell.

This waiting is absolutely horrible. As if miscarriage isn't bad enough. I'm still at home, because all my plans for school are taken care of and because I'm scared shitless of going back, only to start miscarrying and having to leave abruptly. It's difficult for me to function and carry on as if I'm some sort of normal person, when I feel anything but.

Bottom line? My body can't even miscarry right.