Pay it Forward

To this day, I don't know how I would have survived my pregnancy without my doppler.  Starting at about 12 weeks, I started to listen to Baby A's heartbeat daily, until well into the 2nd trimester (when I felt her move daily).  Although there were a couple of times her hb was a little difficult to find, it was always there.  

I want to help someone feel better, the way I did, if possible.

So, I'm giving away my doppler, along with three large tubes of u/s gel to go with it.  Why I felt the need to buy three tubes?  I don't know.  Told ya I listened a lot.  :)

I believe it was about $90 total for everything when I bought it.

What would I like in return?

1.  For you to pay the shipping costs.

2.  For you to give it to someone else when you no longer feel the need to use it.

Please email me at pennstatekelly at gmail dot com

Living Life to Forget

So many of you have blogged or posted about your emotional state and how IF has changed you.  I really thought that, in all, I had dealt with things fairly well when going through our losses.  I knew that I went into self-preservation mode and retreated a bit.  I knew that I grieved.  I just didn't realize that the last several years of my life are pretty much absent from my memory.

There were a few instances where I thought this could have been the case but I brushed them off.  A couple of weeks ago though I was at the last PSU football game of the season (the first one without Joe as coach, which was a strange, strange thing).  My friend was commenting about games we had been to previously and was talking about a weekend trip we had made with her husband and Mr SC, too.

I remembered none of it.  Absolutely none of it.  In all, there were about five different things she had talked about that I easily should have remembered (several of which were significant) but I didn't.  The only thing I did remember (quite vividly) happened in the fall, just after we started TTC.  Before any of our losses.

The experience really got me thinking and talking to Mr SC about things when I got home.  I'm so upset with myself for essentially losing several years of my life completely.  What's worse is that I didn't even realize it.

I've spent time this morning reading back through my blog and the entries particularly from my pregnancy with Baby A.  I don't want to forget any of it but wow, to read back through it hurts like hell.

I wish more than ever I didn't essentially throw those years of  my life away.  I should say also that I wasn't drinking or heavily medicated to the point that I shouldn't remember, either.

I had thought that all of this had taught me not to take life for granted.  Turns out, by essentially not living through those last few years, that's all I was doing.

This morning, I woke up and thanked god for this miracle, as I do every morning.  I'm also thankful that I was given this day, too.  A day that, more than ever, I'm going to concentrate on embracing.

Angels and a Babe

This year, as we have done the last four years, Mr SC and I went to pick out our Christmas tree on Black Friday.  The last two years, we have spent Thanksgiving away, just the two of us.  The holiday falls on our EDD from our first loss and, well, we decided we wanted to devote that time to healing ourselves and our hearts.

This year, it was a truly emotional day.  Not only did we cook for my parents, but we got to spend our first Thanksgiving with our rainbow baby.  I got all choked up at dinner and was completely overcome with emotion.

As we decorated our tree, we hung our angel ornament that we bought two years ago, which was our way of including our lost babies in our holiday.  This year, we hung Alaina's first ornament, right next to the angel.

the ornament for our angels

Please ignore the bizarre things the sun/shadows did to my face!

                                      I don't have a fat lip! :)