Little Peanut

How about a list?  :)

1.  Every day is certainly a new adventure with Baby A.  Yesterday we had our first solo outing and went to see one of my friends.  That was our first official trip in the car (just the two of us), beyond going to the bank right down the street.  

2.  Last week at the doctor she was up to 7lbs 11oz.  She's sleeping better and now that we switched formula, she's having a better time with her stomach.

3.  Formula?  Yes, that's right.  I'm pumping and she's getting 2-3 bottles of breastmilk a day.  The rest is formula.  Perhaps I got too discouraged with bfing early on.  Baby A would get so upset and then I would get so upset and I hated the vicious cycle.  I was having problems with supply early on, too.  This has continued but I realize now that it's because I'm not doing it all the time.  

4.  Weight?  I haven't been on a scale but all my pre-pregnancy clothes fit me.  :)  I'm not happy with what I weighed before I got pregnant but it's nice that I've lost the weight from the past nine months.  I'll tackle the rest at some point.

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Ok.  The first four things are pretty much blah, blah, blah baby stuff.  I have two more things and the first is pretty damn funny.

So yesterday I was changing a messy diaper only to have Baby A projectile poop all over the place.  It got all over the basket on the changing table (and everything in it), it got between her toes and ran down the wall in the nursery.  I couldn't stop laughing but I also stood there dumbfounded because I had no freaking clue where to even begin.   I decided to take a picture and share it with hubs for a good laugh.  Unfortunately, I hit the wrong button and posted the damn thing on Twi.tter!  Sorry to those of you who saw that! 

Also, my blog will be a bit different now that I've had Baby A.   Although I won't forget what got me to this place, I'm sure I'll be talking about her here quite a bit.  Another thing that's also different is that there won't be any more TTC for Mr SC and me.  For those who have been reading for a while, you may remember that last fall we had decided to stop trying before we found out we were pregnant.  TTC was too painful and the thought of another loss was just too much.  I follow many bloggers who have had their babies and who are now TTC #2.  Although we'd love to have more children, Baby A will be it for us.   It will be very strange to talk about birth control at my 6 week appointment.

When we were in the hospital before bringing Baby A home, Mr SC took my hand and said something to me.  I've been wanting to post about it but didn't want it to come across the wrong way.

Before I get to that, I have to say that I will never, ever forget how we got to have Baby A or what we had to endure to get there.   Mr SC though said something that I've really tried hard to remember.

When people had asked me, "is this your first?", I always hesitated.  To me, this was my 5th.  Even though the other four pregnancies didn't make it, there were, at four other points in time, lives growing inside me.  Not only is the calendar full of reminders, but so are all the places we go.  Today, when we were out with the baby, we passed the drug store where I bought the HPT for loss #4.

Today though, I just shook my head and then looked at my baby girl.

In the hospital, Mr SC said that although he knows that I will never forget, that I need to remember that we have a little girl now and that hopefully, holding her close to our hearts will make the pain of the past a little less raw.   I was so scared so much of my pregnancy and I was so rattled by reminders for the last several years that I still felt tears well up in my eyes all too often.  I think I felt like loving our baby meant that I wasn't remembering what happened and I've finally come to realize that just isn't true.

I had toyed with the idea of planting a memory garden last summer to honor our losses.  Instead, Mr SC bought four tree seedlings.  The trees are Aspens, which we saw in Colorado on our honeymoon.  If you aren't familiar with Aspens, the leaves are roundish and when the wind blows, the leaves flutter.  Those trees are my way of honoring our lost babies and, as they grow, can be something that our daughter can find beauty in, too.

It took me several attempts to write this post and I've been struggling with it so much.  I had two horrible, horrible dreams (which happens when I'm stressed about something) that left me thinking about things quite a bit.  

Perhaps it's because even though this chapter in our lives is over, the words and their meaning will forever be etched in my brain.

A New ICLW

Hi everyone...

It's been months since I've participated in ICLW.    Those three descriptors were what got me.  After dealing with IF/RPL for nearly three years, I just gave birth to a happy and healthy baby girl on July 1.  For months, I was terrified of using the word "pregnant", for fear I would somehow jinx the pregnancy.

Now that she's here, my husband (referred to here as Mr SC) and I couldn't be happier.  That doesn't mean that she can't be fussy, or that I don't beat myself up about the fact that I'm not exclusively breastfeeding.  We still find ourselves having a hard time believing that this is all real and are trying to figure it all out, one day at a time.

Baby A's Arrival (with pics)!

The day before Baby A was born, we had an ultrasound, an OB appointment and finished our last childbirth class.  All went well, looked great and the plan was an induction somewhere in the 39 week mark.

When I woke up on Friday (7/1) morning and got out of bed, I felt an obvious "pop", followed by a gush (9am) Holy shit, I thought...there's just no way!  It's 3 1/2 weeks early!  When I called my OB, the nurse laughed when I told her what I thought could have been my water breaking.  Hubs raced home from work and ran in the house to see if I was ok, where he found me sort of trying to pack a bag, freaking out and pacing around the house.  To say that I couldn't think clearly is a vast understatement.  Hubs went out to start throwing shit out of the back of his car into our front yard (which was pretty funny) and to get the carseat (which, I may add, was still in the box).

The three day holiday weekend was packed full of finishing-getting-ready-for-baby details.  We were planning on getting last minute things, finishing the nursery, staining a piece that Mr SC built, packing hospital bags, etc.  Alaina knew how much her mommy hates lateness though and loves being early, since she clearly had other plans.

On the way to the hospital, I didn't even think that this was "it".  I wasn't having contractions.  I even called my mom (who lives an hour and a half away) to tell her what was going on, yet we both decided that she should stay put until I knew what was going on.

And then the contractions started.  Wow.  They were about a minute long and three minutes apart.  Commence complete freaking out on my part.

After I got to L&D, I found out that I was already 7cm dilated.  Hubs called my mom and told her to get here, now.   The rest remains a blur.  I had to have an IV started immediately because of the +GBS and also was waiting for bloodwork results to be sure the Hep.arin was out of my system so I could get an epidural.   The target time was 3:30.   By the time I finally was able to have an epidural, I was already 9.5cm dilated and the pain was pretty damn bad.   They wanted to wait though for my body to do things naturally (as much as they could) for fear of my cervix tearing, so I tried to relax.  I pretty much got to lay in the bed for a couple of hours.  I was uncontrollably shaking because I was so scared.  I kept thinking of my losses.  I thought of so many of you and what you had been through.  I thought of a few of my friends who had tragedy strike in moments like this.   Mr SC was wonderful and tried to keep me calm, but it was really something I knew I had to do on my own.  I realized that what was meant to happen would happen and I knew that when the nurse came back in, that it would be go time.  After she checked me (after about two total hours) and said that my cervix was ready, I held Mr SC's hand and said I was ready to meet our daughter.

Labor was so strange because I could barely feel my contractions (yay, epidural!) but I ended up only needing to push for about forty minutes.  Mr SC and my mom were there and were both a tremendous help and Mr SC got to watch his daughter come into the world.  Baby A was so quiet after she was born I just kept frantically asking if she was ok.  After all, we're all used to those screaming newborns on TV right after they're born, right?  Start to finish (from when my water broke), the whole thing was only a little over eight hours!

After what seemed like an eternity, we were able to go home on Sunday evening.  As I was being wheeled down the long hospital corridor, it was just too much for me.  Mr SC and I had walked down that hallway so many times before.  For testing for our losses.  For my two surgeries.   With pregnancies hanging in limbo, only to find out they were no more.  Now, here I was, leaving the hospital with my rainbow baby.  It was just too much for me and I ended up bawling the entire way out of the hospital.

I still can't believe that she's here, happy and healthy.  We hold her entirely too much but for right now, we don't know what else to do other than to love her like there's no tomorrow.

  Ready to go home from the hospital!

I must be a glutton for punishment that I'm sharing this picture!  This is the last pic I have of me being pregnant   at 34 weeks.  I was sooo tired and sooo swollen!!  

SURPRISE!!

I wanted to quickly let everyone know that Baby A is here!!!  Alaina was born on Friday, July 1 (at 36w 5d) and she's healthy and perfect!   We just got home from the hospital last night and are getting settled in.

More info soon!!