Making Sense of it All (When it Doesn't)

My morning started like most.  I woke up, sat down to eat breakfast and began to check blogg.er/FB/email/Twi.tter.  I quickly learned how one of my dear friends was distraught over a close friend's pregnancy announcement (after being married only a short period of time).  

When does it ever get any easier?

I hate this about IF.  The message is all over the place.  The "norm" is to get married and then start having children.  Hell, some people don't even consider a married couple a "family" until they have a child.   Mix those underlying beliefs in with the fact that IF makes couples feel flawed or broken and there's no escaping it, is there?  After all, if you can't get pregnant, there's medication that can help.  If that doesn't work, there are always procedures that will work.  Each of these steps becomes increasingly difficult (emotionally and financially), yet most dealing with IF still hold onto the hope that the end point will result in a biological child.  

Not only are all of these things painful but the relationships it damages (many irreparably so) only increase the pain.  Some people will never "get" it (even though maybe you've been able to lean on them all of your life) and the relationship falters.  There are insensitive comments from all over, leading many to feel as though they have to don their battle armor even to leave the house and get through the day. 

I hate that this hurts so many.  I hate that there's nothing that anyone can ever do to truly fix it.  Does it ever really get any easier?  Does the pain ever go away?

You might scoff at me asking that question, since I'm sitting here nine months pregnant.  I get that.  The truth is though that I still have wounds that won't heal, too, even though I'm one of "them" now who's so close to being on the "other side".

I just wish that there were a way to have some answers.  Perhaps at least knowing "why" would help.  For most though, that answer will never come (and that only makes the pain worse).

SCREECH!

The title was referring to screech to a grinding halt, not Screec.h from Saved by the Be.ll.

So, Factor V, MTHFR, hypothyroidism, GD...ok, fine.  Rolling with the punches in this pregnancy.  Accepting that I'll never know what led to my four losses, dealing with the cards I've been dealt as best I can, while realizing that in terms of "complications", these could be much, much, much worse.  (And, if I do say so myself, been doing a pretty good job dealing with things).

OB appointment yesterday.  Chatted it up about possible induction, etc.  Praised for GD numbers, all was well.

Then I remembered the test I had done the week before and I saw the results on my chart.  GBS+

I tested positive from Group B Strep.  Commence panic with doctor.  She reassures me...antibiotics during delivery, not a big deal and just because I tested positive doesn't mean I have it and doesn't mean the baby will have it, especially with treatment.

After a couple of hours, I calmed down.  I'm allergic to penicillin but talked to a nurse about the alternatives (many of which I"m allergic to when penicillin is prescribed for an illness) and I felt better.

Yep.  Until this morning.  Of course, enter Dr. Goog.le.  Damn you, Dr. Googl.e.   Group B Strep can infect the baby even if you have antibiotics and can cause meningitis, pneumonia and lead to death.  And, GBS, in rare cases, can cause an infection of the placenta which will cause the baby to be stillborn.  I get that all of this is rare and worst-case scenario stuff.  For once though, I would like to fall on the "normal" side of statistics.  I don't want to be in the 25% of women who test positive, I want to be in the 75% of women who don't.

Today, I'm 9 months pregnant.  Something tells me that this is going to be the longest month of my life.

What's Up?

I'm falling more and more behind with blogs and so I finally installed Chro.me and now commenting works.  I hope this isn't a new trend with Googl.e vs. IE.  We've battled it in school this year and it drove the kids crazy!

I've also finally joined Twi.tter.  Well, I had an account that I used for school before but now I have a personal one, too.  Two of my close friends apparently chat it up often and I felt so left out :)   It's such an easy and quick way to keep up with people.  I don't know why I was so resistant.

There are a few things going on...I'll start with the non-pg stuff.

1.  Monday was our wedding anniversary.  We didn't take an overnight trip this year (as we did the last two years).  Instead, we went to State Coll.ege for the day.  We love going there and buying Penn St.ate stuff.  I woke up early to sign his card (and wake him up to give it to him).  Stupid ass me picked out a "Happy Birthday" card, rather than an anniversary card.  How in the hell does someone do that??

2. My cousin, who is 21, just became a baby daddy for the 2nd time.  Nice to get lapped by someone who can't hold a job, sleeps with anything that, well, you know...  This baby mama is 22 and already has three kids (two different dads).  So, now she has four kids (three different dads) They are "engaged" but aren't getting married because she'll lose her benefits.  Ugh.

3.  We now have two pools in our yard.  Before you go and think that we're independently wealthy, we aren't.  I'm talking about an above-ground one from Wmart that Mr SC just had to have and a small, plastic kiddie pool for our dogs.  Our Doc.k Dog, Nitta.ny, won't get in the thing and just stands there and barks at it.  Lewie, our other dog, (who is afraid of water) enjoys getting in and splashing around.  Go figure.

4.  I don't live in the Midwest, so I realize that this will sound silly to those of you who do (and who have endured much more serious and deadly ones), but we've had four confirmed tornadoes within thirty miles of where I live this year (one specifically was two miles away and another was ten).  Now, when we have a severe thunderstorm warnings, it seriously freaks me out.  We don't have a basement, so the warnings usually lead us to go next door to MIL's with our two dogs.
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pg stuff...

1.  The GD is still being managed solely by diet and I've been able to "relax" a bit what I eat and still get readings within normal range.  It's been helpful, too, that Mr SC is eating the same as I am.  He's lost ten pounds, too!

2.  I'm slowly trying to get things ready for the baby.  I get started and then often get sick to my stomach, for fear that this is all going to be for nothing.

3.  Sunday starts our three shots a day of Hep.arin, rather than Lovenox.

And finally...
4.  I'm 35 1/2 weeks pregnant now, which still seems very surreal.   The "big" news from my last OB appt (last Thursday) is that I definitely won't be going past my due date (because of my injections) and the doctor seemed to think that they would have me "go" at 39 weeks.  Yikes!   Baby A's growth is now falling within normal range and I'm thinking that means an induction.

So, that's what's new here.

We Are Not the Same

There have been several occasions over the last few weeks where people have made comments that have made me want to scream.

To the woman who made the remark, "yeah, look at what our husbands did to us!"   

To the endless people who expect me to break down on the spot when dealing with over 100 degree temperatures in our non-airconditioned school this week, while listening to their comments about how horrible it was for them to be pregnant in the heat.  Blah, blah, blah.

To the former student who graduated last year who I had the pleasure of running into in the store, with my obvious bump, drone on and on about how she just had her second baby (first was last year) from a second guy and how hard it is...blah, blah, blah.  Then, she thought it would be appropriate to ask me if I was planning on breast feeding and launch into how painful it is blah, blah, blah.

To the current student who was the product of her mother getting pregnant at 16.  Student broke up with her boyfriend and a week later, met random guy at mall and got pregnant.  She is due in the end of July.  She enjoys trying to chat it up with me daily about being pregnant (most of her comments are complaints).

To the endless women who seem to enjoy telling me their childbirth horror stories or make stupid comments like "get all the rest now you can!"  Or, to those women who gasp in horror about gestational diabetes and that means I will HAVE to have a c-section and do go on and on about how awful it is.  Guess what?  I don't care.  I'm not going to argue with the doc in the midst of labor about it (as one did) or cry and mourn the loss of bikini days.   I just want my baby to be healthy.  If that means a c-section, so be it!

We are not the same.  This does not mean that I feel as though my baby should be wearing only the color gold and placed high atop a pedestal.    It just means that outside of this community, where women (and men) struggle to attain something they want so badly (which occurs just randomly for what seems like the rest of the world), no one gets it. 

I wonder if I will ever feel as though I fit in anywhere but here.    You know what?   Thing is, I'm fine with that (provided I can vent about these annoyances from time to time).  :)

Is it because woman have obviously visible breasts and other obvious physical features that make other women feel as though any conversation or comment is fair game?
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Little Nitta.ny Lion is doing well.  At our ultrasound last week it showed that she's growing appropriately (and hasn't continued to make extreme gains because of the GD).   Another week without insulin, too!  We also got to see on the ultrasound that she has hair all over her head!  :)