Life Through the Eyes of IF/Blogger No Paragraphs???

Is so different in more ways than just dealing with the pain of struggling to have a baby or losing a baby. I ended up catching the last two episodes of Se.x and the Ci.ty tonight. You know, the ones where Carrie moves to Paris, Samantha is confronting treatment for breast cancer and Miranda and Steve are facing Steve's mother's dementia. And Charlotte and Harry wanting to adopt a child. I didn't get it as I watched this show faithfully seven years ago. Charlotte was married to Trey and they struggled with fertility treatments (the shots, the testing, everything) and finally got to the point where Trey said he was done and Charlotte accepted. And then they got divorced. These last two episodes of the series show Charlotte and Harry meeting with birth parents and learning that they change their minds. Ultimately, they end up adopting a baby girl from China. I was so completely oblivious to the pain in these episodes. I had no idea what it would feel like to deal with RPL. I had no idea how many couples struggle with IF. Why would I? I wasn't at that point in my life (and didn't think I ever would be). As I watched these episodes and didn't even try to hold back the tears, I also cried for the first real time for the IF that they included in the storyline. How many women are in their exact shoes? Over the last two years, I've met many. I realized just how completely different of a woman I am from when those last episodes first aired seven years ago. And, although the pain I've endured was hell, I can honestly say that I'm a better person from all of it. My eyes have been opened. I'm so much more sensitive to others and what they could be going through. After all, how many of us dealing with IF/RPL choose to do so silently? At the end of the day, some good did come out of all of this pain. ***edited to add*** Please don't feel as though this is a "I've found Zen" post now that I'm pg. (I actually think I wrote a post similar to this some time ago). Bitterness, anger and sadness are still emotions that I have come to know rather intimately. However, for me, that's my own stuff to work out. The losses opened my eyes more to others and in that way, I feel it's made me a better person.

Something Sweet That Made Me Sad

So, I guess that means it was bittersweet? :)

Today, a friend at work passed me in the hallway and told me she left something on my desk. Ok, I said. I didn't think much of it.

There was a small gift bag (yay...a present for no reason!) and in it were two Pen.n St.ate baby pacifiers. That by itself almost made me cry because it was so kind and so thoughtful. I went and found her in the hall to thank her and give her a hug.

As I'm hugging my friend, she's saying to me that she bought those for me such a long time ago and she was never able to give them to me. As students are walking past us, it took every ounce of my being not to completely lose it in the hallway.

So now I have a gift for my baby girl and every time I look at those pacifiers, instead of being sad for her brothers and sisters that I lost, I'm going to try and focus on how she has a small part of them with her.

Kicking My...

(pg post)

Everything! This little girl is going nuts. I started to feel her move almost two weeks ago and I feel her every day, fairly often now (standing up, sitting down, etc). Two nights ago when I was in bed with ice on my belly (for my shot), I could really feel her (it made me jump). Mr SC pinched my stomach to give me my shot and our little girl kicked his thumb!

I'm seeing my therapist a bit more regularly, which has helped with my anxiety. It's also been reassuring to feel her move daily. I'm slowly starting to try and let the fear go and enjoy the pregnancy.

Now that wrestling season is over (Mr SC coaches), we've gradually started to work on things in the house. I've also started keeping my eye out for deals for things for the nursery. We bought bedding and used a coupon yesterday (that expires today) to buy a carseat. All things are staying in the boxes though for quite some time and, of course, I'm saving the receipts.

Today marks 21 weeks (which starts month six, according to my doctor). Our follow-up scan this last week also went very well and confirmed again, that our little one is a she. We have two names picked and we'll decide after she's born. We are going to use Grace for her middle name. Grace is my grandmother's middle name who I didn't see from the age of four until I was 27. I thankfully got to spend a great deal of time with her before she passed away. One of the names for her first name I also found out was that same grandmother's mother's name. I think that's what we will end up naming our little girl.

Thanks for all of your support. I don't post much right now because I don't want to post about the anxiety. I sort of feel that gives it too much power. I've been reading and commenting though.

Helping Out

Christa over at Fearlessly Infertile posted this today about the Lost Stork Foundation. Think about what we could do if we could all pull together to support this organizion as it tries to get off the ground!

Please take a minute to check it out. Become a follower of her blog or on Twi.tter. Offer support on FB or buy a cookbook if you can.

Thanks, Christa!

Today :)

I just got home from our scan. Although our little Nittan.y Lio.n was being a bit uncooperative (covering her face with her hands and making it difficult to get good pictures of her heart), one thing was clear...our little one is officially a she! :) Her legs were bent underneath her and there was no mistaking those three lines!

Everything looks great but I have to go back next week so they can get better pictures of her face (she was sort of laying on it) and her heart. Please tell me to stop freaking out about this...they wouldn't be keeping a potential problem from me, right?

Maybe, just maybe I'll be able to talk about names tonight. :)