Hurt the Ones Your Love...Or Hurt Yourself?

By "hurt", I mean emotionally.

So often, people keep things inside. They are being hurt by the words of others and don't say anything to let them know. Whether it be because they don't want to hurt their feelings or they don't like confrontation, they keep how they're hurting bottled up. Sometimes, of course, speaking up won't matter or could make things worse, which is why someone may remain silent. Today, I decided to speak up and I've been feeling horribly ever since.

My mother and I are very close. I really don't think I could have asked for a better one and I know that I'm very fortunate in that regard.

I have a cousin, who is around 30. She and I were close when were were kids but aren't any more. She went one path in life and I went another. She (after having a miscarriage a few years ago) has a six year old little girl.

My mother adores this child. ADORES her. I'm glad that this little girl brings such joy to my life. Really, I am. But, it's become increasingly hard for me. My aunt and my mom always talk about how much Emily is just like me. She talks like I did when I was little. She acts like me. She thinks like me. It's like having a little Kelly all over again.

The talk always kind of rubbed me the wrong way, given our RPL history. It's been worse though since I saw my mom and Emily together about a year ago. All I kept thinking was that I was never going to be able to give my mother a grandchild and this is the best that she'll ever have. To be fair to my mother, she has never once made any kind of grandmother comments to me or made me feel badly. But, seeing her with Emily I just knew. I was always afraid that not having children would leave a void in my life but now it was going to leave a void in my mom's life too.

I can't hear about Emily anymore. Every time I do, whether it be on the phone or in emails, all I can think about is the babies I lost. What would they be like? Would they be like me? Would they look like me? How big would they be now? It makes it even worse that Emily is a girl. I know that I lost four babies, but one I know was a girl. I never, ever will be able to look at anything pink the same again.

So I told my mom this morning. She had written me a lengthy email about Emily and I replied. I replied that I know that she would never do anything to hurt me, but hearing about Emily does. I then explained to her everything that upset me that I wrote about above. Immediately after I hit send, I felt guilty. Why couldn't I suck it up? So, I took away something that makes my mom happy that she was simply trying to share with me. She replied immediately and said she never thought about it that way and she never meant to be so insensitive.

But she wasn't being insensitive. I am just overly sensitive.

So, when something bothers you, do you speak up? Or, do you keep it to yourself?

Calling All Teachers!

I know you're out there but I can't remember who all of you are!

What do you teach? How long have you been teaching? What do you love about it/hate about it?

I've been teaching HS social studies (currently 9th and 12th grade) for 13 years. 95% of the time, I love it. I love that it's something different every day and that I'm always learning something new. I also really enjoy (ok, well, most of the time) working with the kids. The only thing that's truly difficult are factors that are beyond my control that can interfere with my job (but that's true with anything).

OB Appointment

I just wanted to update everyone:

1. All is still going well. We got our doppler on Wednesday and we LOVE it! Every day that we've checked we've picked up the heartbeat at a different spot. I know that the little lion is moving around in there but I guess I didn't realize just how much.

2. Our OB appointment was uneventful yesterday, which is great. They didn't do an u/s and I didn't ask for one. I decided to just take deep breaths and try and relax. I haven't had any more spotting and the doctor checked out everything on the u/s that day so we just got to listen to the hb yesterday like any other "normal" pregnant woman. Weird, huh?

3. Our next OB appointment is in a month and then they'll schedule the 20 week scan. We're excited but one day at a time.

4. We're spilling the beans tomorrow. When we tell two of Mr SC's family members (which is tomorrow), the world is going to know. That will make things a bit easier and I can stop trying to hide things in clothing when I go to school. I haven't been doing such a great job of that, anyway.

We're both very excited but it's just so weird the emotions that I'm feeling. I feel like right now, this is our little secret to protect and keep safe from the world. I'm also nervous about dealing with people who don't have any idea about our history and will just expect me to be one of "those" pregnant women.

Blog Award!

I've been nominated for a blog award! Thanks to Adventures in Babymaking, Infertility Diaries and Invisible Mother! Hop on over and check out these fantastic ladies!

The rules for accepting this award are:
1. Thank and link back to the person who nominated you
2. Share 7 things about yourself
3. Award 15 other bloggers and let them know about their award!
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Seven things:
1. One of my dogs, Nitta.ny, is a Dock Do.g. She competes in about five events per season and her best jump is 19'11". I tried jumping her in a competition once (and for my first time, was only losing to Mr SC by an inch) but I'm so terrified of falling off the dock and into the pool that I just can't do it!

2. About a year ago, I became an e-reader believer! I love to read and had the same concerns as everyone else (not feeling like a book, not smelling like a book, etc) but I LOVE my noo.k!

3. I'm coming up on my four year anniversary of when I met Mr. SC. That's a lame ass nickname for Mr Sweet Cheeks. :)

4. I sing all the time. In the car, to my dogs, in the shower...you name it, I'm singing but I have yet to sing in from of Mr SC.

5. I'm an only child (although I have a few stepbrothers and a stepsister that I'm not close to at all...marriages occurred when I was an adult)

6. I collect antique globes.

7. My favorite flower is the hibiscus. I remember being in Tar.get in Florida a few years back and being so excited to see them all over the garden section. I brought one inside last summer in a pot and although I'm trying to keep it alive indoors, it's just not doing so hot.
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My nominees:
1. Jess at A Little Blog About the Big Infertility
2. Alex at Alex's Adventures
3. Marla at Marla's Chronicles
4. Manapan at Manapan's Space
5. Erika at Pollination Chronicles
6. Kristi at Our Miracle in the Making
7. Adele at Delinquent Eggs
8. Secret Sloper (how on earth don't I know your first name?)
9. Katie at From If to When
10. Michelle at No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat
11. Wifey at Semi-Fertile
12. Jenn at Got Love, Been Married...
13. B at Non Geordie Mum
14. Lady at Tales of My Follies
15. Mai at Salvageable

Relief!!!

Last night I was awake from nearly 3am on. I only sleep in two hour increments and am used to it but when I woke up, my mind started racing and it wouldn't stop. All the things that I put in my post yesterday were swimming in my head.

I decided to stay home from school and got in to my OB. They offer to have you come in and see a nurse and listen to the fetal heart beat, and so I did.

There it was...beating away. It was pretty cool because you could hear my heartbeat (slower and louder) and my little one's behind it, faster and softer. The nurse was so sweet and so kind I could have hugged her. So yes, this pregnancy isn't like the other ones. After spotting, a follow-up showed that all is ok!

So, I'm doing my best and focusing on now. Damn it, I'm going to enjoy this pregnancy! I'm can happily (and not reluctantly) say that I'm officially in the 2nd trimester!

We've also changed our minds and are getting a doppler. :)

Thank you for all of your support and also, thank you to Hope and Browniris for nominating me for a blog award! I'm going to post it tomorrow!

2nd Tri: And I Should Be Happy

But I'm not. I'm terrified. I'm terrified that even though my OB isn't concerned, that my spotting episode from Thursday (and nothing since then) is a sign that my baby died. After all, that's how my other miscarriages started. Spotting. Fine-sih u/s and then at the follow-up, nothing. I brought this up to the OB and she explained that then is much different from now, and how miscarriage is the lowest on the list of reasons I would have been spotting (as opposed to six weeks), but still.

I'm terrified to think that I even "made it" to the 2nd tri because if the baby did die since Thursday, hell, I didn't make it to anything.

I was ok until today. Then something snapped. It's like I think something happened to the baby because I wasn't worried about it. Mr SC keeps talking about things, like we had been before, and I keep saying...don't you want to wait to have this conversation until Friday after my OB appointment?

I feel like I was almost in the "clear" in to my second tri and a dark demon reached over me, cackling, saying...hahahaha...you didn't really think you'd get to take home a baby in July, did you??

Still Scared

Last night I had a dream that I was bleeding. It really shook me, but after I woke up I just kept telling myself that it was just that...a dream. The anxiety waned a bit and I went to school. After all, we just saw our little lion on Monday and everything looked great.

Then I went to the bathroom and there it was. Pink. You've got to be shitting me, I thought. So I inspected again. Yep. And it was a little darker. Not bleeding but spotting. I immediately left school.

I called Mr SC at work in a panic and he left right away. I calmed myself down enough that decided to call my OB in the off chance that they could see me today. The nurse was great but she told me that there was a chance the doctor would just tell me to take it easy and see what happens. No, I said. This is how my four miscarriages started before and if your office can't fit me in then I'm going to the ER. She called back and had an appointment for me at 1:30.

The doctor was wonderful. The ultrasound was wonderful. Our little lion was more active than on Monday, kicking her legs and waving her arms. Her heartbeat was good too.

So, there was no reason given why I was spotting. The doctor explained that I'm that far along that a miscarriage now most likely wouldn't start like my miscarriages of six weeks. She also said that she didn't see any reason to be concerned, especially since Monday's in depth scan looked great.

She didn't want me on bedrest because I would drive myself crazy. She wants me to try to keep as busy as possible so I don't drive myself crazy. She gets it, too. She lost twin babies at 20 weeks.

She didn't do an internal exam, which concerns me a bit. What's going on with my cervix? I do have my next regular OB appointment in a week though, so hopefully I don't have any more issues until then.

Thank you for all of your support earlier. It was nice to know that many of you had me in your thoughts. I felt so self-centered asking, but I didn't know what else to do.

If You Pray

please pray for me and my little one. I'm heading to the doctor because I started spotting this morning. I truly don't know how I'll do this if I'm miscarrying again.

The Big Reveal?

This is about pg...

I've been going back and forth with Mr SC about the big reveal since Monday. He wants to tell everyone. I said let's wait until at least the end of this week. Today we talked about waiting until our next OB appointment at 14w5d. I'm not going to "announce" it to my classes, but after Mr SC tells his brother, evil SIL (who I teach with) will know and she'll tell everyone (including students, she's like that).

Anyway...

I'm out in the hall in between classes with a colleague. I'm in the hall every period between classes with this person. I wouldn't necessarily call him a friend but we talk quite a bit. He knows my RPL history.

Today after I made a comment, he gave me this look and said hey, what's up with you?

What do you mean, I asked, as panic sets in.

He then says what's going on?

I said, with what? (As red is creeping up my cheeks and my face gets hot).

And then he asked, "are you pregnant?"

I tried to laugh it off, but my face, ears and neck were so red that it gave it away and he just started laughing at me. When I asked him what gave it away, he said there have been "a bunch of things" over the last couple of weeks. Yikes!

So, am I nuts? I guess Mr SC will be telling everyone in our families this weekend.

What an Amazing Day

The NT Scan went very well. All is measuring great and, although we won't have our specific risk numbers until the b/w comes back (later this week), the doctor didn't see any reason to be concerned.

Our little Nittan.y Lion is measuring 13w 5d (I'm 13w1d) and had a beautiful heartbeat. She kept wiggling and flipping around, which was amazing.

The ultrasound tech then asked if we were going to find out the gender. I blurted out yes. She then asked if we wanted to know what she thought our little one was. She said she's correct 90% of the time.

We said yes.

Then she said mommy, meet your beautiful daughter.

And then I officially lost it.

Why, Hello There

TWELVE WEEKS!!! How are you?

Yep. Twelve weeks pregnant. I still can't believe it. I'm still feeling pretty good. My queasiness returned yesterday. I'm still taking two hour naps daily (after sleeping 8-9 hours at night), I need to do something about my bras which are now all tight and I started wearing maternity pants last week. A little early, but I didn't want to mess with the band.

I'm also starting to think that people have to be looking at me and asking the question...is she just gaining weight or is she pregnant? I just feel like it's so obvious. My stomach just looks, well, fuller. And no, I'm not posting belly pics (at least not yet). I've never had a flat stomach (even when I was a size 2) and starting out as I did, well, I want to give it a bit more time until my bump is evident.

My RE (before she released me) said I could stop my progesterone at 12 weeks, which is today. She said I could stop it sooner but knew it would make me feel better to continue. I'm having major issues with stopping it. I only have eight days left before I need a refill...should I just go every other day until I run out? That will be another almost two weeks.

On Monday, 1/17, we have our NT scan. I'm freaking out a bit about it but I know that's natural. I just hope that all is still going well in there!

Every night when I go to bed and every morning when I wake up, I say thank you. Thank you to whatever made this all possible.

The Need to Say Something

I am pregnant. For the fifth time. And I'm scared shitless. That's why I blog about it. To be completely honest, every time I mention it in a post, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I know there are others who think that they would want to trade places with me in a heartbeat. I feel guilty because I don't want my words to upset anyone else. But, sometimes, the fear gets to me and I don't have anywhere else to turn, so I blog.

I'm convinced now that my post yesterday struck a nerve with someone and for that, I'm sorry. I also need that person to know this...

Dear Friend,

I'm sorry I upset you because that certainly wasn't my intention. I also am sorry that I removed you as a friend from FB. This was extremely difficult for me to do, because I have come to care about you a great deal. I did it though because I was concerned about my "worlds colliding" (hopefully you get the Seinfeld reference) on FB. It's not because I'm upset with you or angry or any of that. I just was upset about how this would all play out.

My Next Fix

I don't know when it's going to be and it's driving me crazy.

My last scan was last Friday when I was 10w5d. My next one will be my NT scan, which I'm still waiting on the doc to call to tell me when it is. (And yes, I did call and ask yesterday but they said they didn't have the paperwork yet).

I've been doing way too much research...chances of pregnancy still being good at this point, potential problems for my 36 year old self, etc. Then I start thinking about my miscarriages...was it really NK cells? They were almost identical... Then I start thinking about if they were caused by poor egg quality. What's to say that this pg the egg wasn't just a little better but still not good (leading to horrible results at my next scan)? My answer is in my head is that with our third loss, the tissue revealed no chromosomal abnormalities and if it were bad eggs, something would have showed up.

The answer? We'll never know.

Seriously. I'm a crazy lady.

To add to things a bit, Sunday MIL brought over a pair of yoga pants that she hemmed for me that I bought over a month ago. When I tried them on, they fit, well...differently. I immediately went to my work pants.

No dice. Now yes, I could have worn them, but I would have been very, very uncomfortable. The rubber band trick didn't help either, since some of my issue was with the zipper, too.

So, off I went to buy maternity pants. I've been wearing them all week and it's been so nice to actually be comfortable at school.

Mr SC has also been on me to know when we're going to tell people. He keeps saying that he feels like it's a secret and that it's a good thing and that it shouldn't be kept quiet. This causes me to panic, too. So, I've told him after the NT scan. Then we can tell everyone.

I guess these next two weeks will really tell us a great deal.

Please Send Some Love

Over to Jenn. She and her husband were matched through adoption and were so excited to meet their little one. After holding him in their arms, they found out that it was a failed match and that BM decided to parent the baby.

She could use all of the love and support that you can send her way.