One Step Closer

Great appointment today...little lion is measuring right on target at 10w 5d! Our next appointment will be with a high-risk doctor (because of my history, Factor V/MTHFR and age), which will be a couple of weeks.

Whether you are excited to give 2010 a swift kick in the ass or are looking forward to 2011, Happy New Year!

One of Them

Today was my first OB appointment. The place where I'm going has you meet with a nurse practitioner first who goes over things very thoroughly (I was with her for over an hour) and then the next appt is with a doctor, who checks the HB, etc. In all honesty, I wasn't told anything that I didn't already know today, which was fine. Mr SC didn't have any time left to take off to go along, but decided at the last minute to take time without pay to go with me

When I stepped off the elevator, I instinctively turned and entered the RE's office. Mr SC says no, Kelly, this way...as he points me in the direction of the OB.

Turning the other direction felt so weird.

In the waiting room, there were no fewer than nine pregnant women, in all states of pregnancy. After a few had entered the room, I leaned over to Mr SC and said, "There's so many pregnant people." He looked at me like I was from another planet. So, I got out my phone and texted the same thing to a good friend. She said, "yes, and you're one of them!"

I don't feel like one of them. I feel like a sham.

After the nurse started going through my medical history, it got worse. Miscarriages. When. How far along was I. She hadn't ever heard of MTHFR. She just kept writing and writing. Then the question, "and what did you do differently this pregnancy that things are working?"

I wanted to say, "no fucki.ng clue", yet I realize that the f-bomb still hasn't become entirely socially acceptable. I smiled uneasily and replied, "got lucky". She smiled back and said that sometimes that's all it takes! Oh yeah, and did I get pregnant from relaxing, too?

I felt worse and worse.

I reached the point of no return when she was telling me about the classes they have and that they have one where they group women together with similar due dates to, "experience pregnancy together". She was explaining how you meet other women who are going through exactly what you are going through...

I wanted to scream. Yeah? These women are going to have had multiple miscarriages? They're all going to be paralyzed with fear instead of deliriously, obliviously happy? I don't think so.

She must have sensed that I wasn't ok and started talking to me. I feel badly, but I was beyond talking to. She said how she knew that many women who are released from the RE go through what I am and especially after losses, need the reassurance. She then said, "just you wait until after they're born! It only gets worse!"

She also then said about the wonderful things my body was doing, right now, to create a strong and healthy baby. In my head, I argued back....oh yeah? It didn't do what it was supposed to do the last four times! And, how do you know it's doing what it's supposed to do?

Doesn't she realize that having a baby is such a foreign concept that I can't even imagine having an actual child? I believe in my heart that this pregnancy is going to work out but I left so upset and shaken that it took me hours to be able to even talk about it. I also was reluctant to blog about it. I know that I'm lucky to be pregnant. Please don't take this post as me complaining. It's not. I just didn't realize simply going to the OB for the first time would be so hard and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

So Far, So Good

I've been trying to get caught up on reading posts, but for the most part, what I've read so far sounds like most of you were able to have at least a not-so-bad holiday and many of you are enjoying snow! I'm jealous. We were supposed to get 6-10 inches and ended up getting nothing. :(

My Christm.as Eve was odd. It was the first time I was around SIL's baby (the one I shared an EDD with) for any period of time. It was also odd because I was completely not under any sort of medication or adult beverage influence. I survived and didn't break down, thankfully.

This week I have two appointments (Thursday and Friday) with my new OB. Thursday is the NP and Friday is the doctor. They squeezed me in and moved things up a bit since I have off this week. Call me insane, but I'm really looking forward to it.

I also have a question, related to this pregnancy (so if you want to stop reading...)
I'm 10w 1d today and aside from my stomach feeling icky on and off and feeling tired, I'm doing well. Apparently my bbs are doing well also. My BIL asked us if I was pregnant. We ended up telling him and I asked why he thought I was. He said um, physical changes which he told Mr SC were my bbs being bigger. Some of you may be offended by this, but it's BIL and it's ok.

Anyway, my question is this...the only "food" that I'm having trouble with is water. I used to drink about seven cups a day. Now, water just makes my stomach feel even sloshier and gross. Any suggestions for how to make this more tolerable?

You're in My Thoughts

All of you, during the holidays. I'm hoping that somehow you are each able to carve out a little bit of happiness during the next few days.

What Is Wrong With People???

Mr SC and I often share a computer. So, this morning, I did some dishes, put in a load of wash, got a glass of juice and sat down to read blogs, check out FB (you know, the usual stuff). When I pull up FB, hubs is logged in. Ok, fine. This allows me to see his wall however and is the root of my frustration this morning.

Mr SC has a stepbrother. Stepbrother has been arrested for DUI several times and assault. He barely can hold a job, is recently divorced from his wife (they married when they were 20, when he was still using drugs regularly) and now is in an on-again, off-again relationship where he stars as the abuser in the relationship. (Seriously. The last time they were "off", the ex posted online about how glad she was to be free of all the violence and abuse.)

Of course, he has two children. They're great kids, in spite of everything. They're 14 and 12, I believe. Stepbrother is 35. He had just posted a new pic of his two kids with his sister's 1 year old (in case you don't remember, this is the stepSIL who shared my original due date with me from my first miscarriage).

There's this whole string of comments with his pics. It's an exchange of about four people. Some of the comments are:

"I'm so glad I started early! I'm almost free in my 30's!"
"Yes, no old parent bullshit for me! "
"Yes, child will be going to college next year. I'm 35 and free!" (for the record, I had this child in class and there is no hope of said child going to college)
"Why would you want to still have kids in your 50's?"

I am livid. First, why do people make statements like believing when their child is 18 they are "free"? Really, stepbrother? Your dad hasn't been bailing you out repeatedly with money, driving you to work when you lost your license, etc? Um, the last time I checked, this was still going on last year and you are in your 30's!

Also, it just seems so careless to me. Sure, you can have a child physically (and technically) at 17 (or earlier) but really...what can you offer that child? But hey, it's worth it because you can party in your 30's!

The kicker...stepbrother's status update is how his son starts junior high wrestling season today with an all day tournament. His words? "JH wrestling season with an all day tourney today and I'm going hungover. Should make for a long day"

WHO SAYS THAT??

Wow

Mr SC and I are just beside ourselves! Our little Nitt.any Lion is measuring 8w5d (right on target) and has a HB of 178!!!

We still can't believe this is actually happening.

We were released from the RE today, which was bittersweet. The nurse that always is with us and the RE both hugged us and the nurse started crying after hugging me after the u/s. I could not have asked for more compassionate and wonderful doctors.

For the first time, we were given a due date by the doctor! July 25th. :)

Thank you for all of the well wishes, prayers and thoughts!

I Feel Badly For My Dogs (Updated)

**Just wanted to let you know that my u/s is tomorrow morning (not today).

My black lab mix, Lewie, is eight. He can be active and crazy but he's also perfectly happy laying with me. Then, there's Nitt.any. She's the three year old yellow lab who runs, plays and fetches until she collapses. I usually make it my duty to come home from school, grab the Chuck.It and take the dogs outside. What's a Chuck.It? Well, it's a long grabber thing that lets you pick up a tennis ball and hurl it far in the air, all without touching the slobbery mess of the ball. All the while Nitt.any is fetching, Lewie waits for her to come back to me. What does he do? He jumps on Nittan.y's and humps her. Yep. It's hilarious. Sometimes he jumps on her back, sometimes it's her side...it really doesn't matter. He keeps going (a few seconds) until I throw the ball again and then he dismounts.

It's been so frigid outside I haven't been playing with them. I come home from school and take a nap because I'm so exhausted and the dogs get neglected. I call them up into bed with me though, which makes them happy.

In a little more than 36 hours, I'll know if I still have a strong little HB in there. The office opens at eight and people are on the schedule but they take you in the order you arrive. I can guarantee you I'll be there by 7:15am.

Significant Others and Better Now

Significant Others: I've been thinking quite some time about how the men in our lives handle all of this. 95% of dealing with infertility rests with the female. Even if there is a diagnosis of MFI, the treatments, procedures, screenings aren't nearly as extensive (or invasive, imho) as for females. Do you think that makes this all easier for them or more difficult for them (or just different)? Even if males have difficulty with things, where do they turn for support? If women don't talk about IF IRL, males talk about it even less. I think there are only two blogs that I follow where males are the authors. How on earth do they cope without a support system?
____________________________________________________________________
Better Now: I loved all the funny things that you posted and the things that you shared that you loved. :) I laughed hard for a while and the distraction certainly helped!

Things are better. I did also want to tell you that I could go in for a scan any day (weekends, too). They have time set aside each morning for patients that can just drop in. However, I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be able to be better in my head without having to see an u/s. For now, I just have to wait for more days.

Overall, too, I'm feeling good. I've only felt as if I were going to be sick a few times, but my stomach never feels good. It almost feels like I drank sour milk or something. The only time it feels better is when I eat. I'm having trouble with that, though. Food isn't particularly appealing, except for tomato sauce. I eat spaghetti of some form at least once a day.

Me and My Fu**ed Up Head

Yes, I do realize that the title isn't grammatically correct.

I need to get this out. I've been thinking about it and have been trying to work through it, but to no avail. So, here I am.

I am so nervous. I can't think of myself as pregnant. Even though in three of my other four losses I was "behind" on my first u/s, we were told (somehow, to some degree) that it could all be fine and to come back in a week for a follow-up.

I can't help but think that my little bean's heart has stopped beating. I have no reason to think this. I'm not having any problems...at all. Of course though, in my head, I figure that's because I'm on proges.terone and that's what stopping the inevitable spotting that would have occurred by now if I weren't on it.

It doesn't help that I stopped my Lex.apro after last week's good news. But, I then think that the fact that I'm allowing myself to have these bad thoughts is because something bad's happened and I just don't know it yet. After all, my ultra-calm state proved to be for a reason last week? Maybe I know this time, deep down.

One more week to go...

So, it remains to be seen if writing it out has actually helped. I don't know if there's any helping me. If you've read my ramblings to this point, post a comment about something you love. Or a funny story. Or something that no one knows about you. Or the soap op.era you watch.

The Most Beautiful Sound I've Ever Heard

was my baby's heartbeat this morning!!!!!!! I wasn't supposed to go in until next Thursday. We were concerned that at 6.5 weeks, it could cause too much concern. This morning though, I just had to go in. I've been fine. This morning though I just kept thinking about how could I make the choice to not know? I was already dressed for school, had mismatched socks on under my boots (lovely for my u/s) and haven't shaved my legs in forever. My RE laughed at me when she patted my leg and told me she had the heartbeat already and I apologized profusely for my fur.

My little nitta.ny lio.n is measuring right on target (a first at this stage for me) and has a heartbeat of 130BPM! :)

Dear Fertile Facebo.ok Idiot,

You have two kids already. You wanted another. Ta da! You got pregnant. You aren't having any problems. Goodie for you. Please though, don't be so ignorant as to post this for your status:

"Things I'd like for my bir.thday... surro.gate (I know its a little late for this), live in na.nny, ability to lose all my baby weight the day after labor! If you can send these gifts my way this year. ;0)"


Yours truly,

All of the infertile women out there who would give their right arm to be where you are right now