Labels

The good (which mainly come from other people):
Funny
Cute
Caring
Sensitive
Smart
Energetic
Hard-working
wife
teacher
friend
daughter

the bad:
shy (well, I can be when I don't know people, which often leads people to think I'm "snobby", which I'm not)
short
neurotic

and the ugly:
too heavy
neurotic

What about the label of "mother"? At what point, is someone a mother? I've been pregnant four times and had two heartbeats, all to have them ripped away from me. It's left me scarred and forever changed, yet I don't consider myself a "mother". Why? I don't know. If I'm not a mother, then why does this hurt so badly (still, after all this time)? If I'm not a mother, why did Mr SC and I cry at the stroke of midnight last year, praying that 2010 would be different? If I'm not a mother, then why can I still see that heartbeat on the monitor screen (thankfully, I didn't look when we had our fourth loss)? If I'm not a mother, why is it that I can still envision the baby girl that I lost? Why can I still feel her, like a ghost in my arms?

Or, does the word hurt too much? If I acknowledged that I was a mother, that I am a mother, would that be too much for me to bear?

I'm Not Ready but I Have No Choice

School starts on Monday. We had two inservice days this week and the kids are back on Monday. I LOVE my job. I love learning, love the kids, love to share new things with them...I could go on and on. I know how lucky I am to have a relatively stable job in this economy and, although I know if I worked in a different field with my degree and experience I'd make much more, I'm not complaining about what I get paid, either. I make a half decent living.

I spent the summer trying to get better and I know how fortunate I am to get to do that. Many women who have struggled with what I'm dealing with don't have that luxury. It still doesn't mean that I'm not terrified.

My house is my safe place. I can go out as little or as much as I'd like. I can control my interaction with others.

Now I'm back to six classes, always bringing my A game with a smile on my face. It's tough when there's a colleague who's due in the beginning of December (when I should have been) and it's tough that there's a colleague in my department who's due in the beginning of January (when I should be celebrating a first birthday). I'm forced to hold it together around the five pregnant girls in my school of only 320.

This weekend is my last weekend of solitude and I'm a weepy mess. Plus, Mr SC is away for the weekend. He's going upstate to his brother's cabin with his brother, stepfather and a friend from work. It's a "guys weekend". I know I'm going to sound ridiculous here, but to me, that isn't about male bonding, it's about tossing aside significant others for the weekend. That's ok and I know this is my fault, but I rely on Mr SC too much for my happiness. We're always together and he does everything he can to make me laugh when I'm down. I'm just so preoccupied with all of this. I've been neglecting good friends and feel paralyzed. It's horrible.

Oh...and yesterday I found out that my infusions, whenever we start TTC again, are going to be $650 per infusion. My insurance won't cover them because they're considered "experimental".

Blah. I sound like such a downer. I'm sorry.

Dear Kelly,

To those of you out there in blogland (and hopefully who are also Sein.feld fans), I feel as though my worlds are about to collide. Of the friends I've made and of the blogs I follow, I've only ever met one of you IRL. The only person in my life that knew about my blog was my husband and, although I told him about it, I know he doesn't read it. He sees it as a privacy thing and doesn't go there.

This weekend though, I got to get together with one of my very best friends (whose name also happens to be Kelly). I'm always amazed at how much the two of us can talk when we get together. We're funny, we're serious, we're intellictual, we're bitchy (about other people, not to each other!) and when I was catching her up on all of my goings on, I told her about my blog and how good it's been to write about things and to meet others.

She asked to read it and I don't know how she couldn't hear me saying, "oh shit" in my head.

So, I'm giving her the URL. There's no one in my life who knows me (besides my husband) who really knows what I'm going through emotionally and it's safe to say that I keep some of it from Mr SC, too. This letter below is to her, as an intro of sorts.

Dear Kelly,

Well, if you're reading this, you've found my blog. I've already told you that I'm terrified that you'll think I'm a weirdo or that I've gone off the deep end. Sometimes those big, bad thoughts that lurk in my head end up here, as a way for me to work through them. And...all those years that you thought I was a hypochondriac (remember that "wheel" that you got me as a joke with the symptoms)? Maybe all along, deep down, I knew that something was wrong with me and TA-DA...here it is!

But seriously, I know that we don't see each other or talk as much as I'd like, but I cherish your friendship. We have been through some yucky stuff and I'm glad that at the end of the day, I know that you're always there for me if I need you. Your intelligence, drive and wit is inspiring (as is your fashion sense) and I can honestly say that you're the most beautiful woman I know. I'll never be able to thank you enough for being such a great friend.

Love,

Kelly

A Sign of Things to Come? (including an update about today)

Before I get this appointment stuff from today, I have to tell you what happened yesterday. So I blogged about how I was feeling (and immediately felt better hearing your words of support...thank you!). I was blah and sad and whatever and ended up taking a nap. I know when I write the rest of this, some of you are going to think I'm this bizarre, strange, weirdo. I get that. That doesn't change what's happened though.

Anyway...during three of my four losses, I had dreams that I got my BFP. I also had dreams that I miscarried during three of these four miscarriages.

Yesterday, while I took a nap, I had a dream that I had a baby. It was a newborn and I was being my normal self, being stressed out about how to hold the baby the right way and make sure I was supporting the baby's head. My mom was staying in our home for two weeks and I just kept running to my mom to make sure I was holding the baby ok. This is the first kind of dream I had like this and I found it odd. Take it however you want, but for me, I thought that it was some sort of sign for me that perhaps I should at least give this thing another shot.

What came out of today's appointment:

• Dr. knows I want to wait until I'm ready, but thinks I shouldn't wait to try again more than six months because of my age (even though my FSH is only 4.2)
• When we start trying again, I will have the intralipid infusion during each cycle that we are trying and then again when I get pregnant. He thinks that two will be enough, but said if I wanted to run testing to be sure and check my numbers for peace of mind, he was fine with that
• The infusions will most likely not be covered by my insurance and will be around $500 for each one
• He wants me to go on baby aspirin and on Lovenox injections, starting on CD 5 of each cycle we're trying. This is different from before, when I was only starting injections after I found out I was pregnant.

I know some of you are going to ask how do I feel? I know there are no guarantees but I'll be ready at some point to give this a shot again.

If any of you have questions or words of wisdom, please fire away! I'd like to know your thoughts about the protocol. Oh...and a recap for those of you who don't know about what we're dealing with here:

• Factor V (1 copy)
• MTHFR (1 copy)-extra folic acid (I forgot to add this above)
• Elevated Natural Killer (NK) cells
• Borderline high APA (antiphosopholipid antibodies)

Tomorrow Doesn't Have to Come

I got my wish. I had said after my most recent loss in May that I was hoping by the end of the summer I'd know what was going on and have a "plan" in place.

Now? Now I don't even know if I want to have a child anymore.

Tomorrow I'm going back to SIRM for the official report. Although my doc called me two weeks ago and told me the news, I didn't return his call. I listened to his message, in some sort of dumbfounded state. I was on vacation, so the message while I was away came as an ultimate invasion of denial phase.

It's difficult for me to tell if I've just been hurt too much so I'm not even entertaining the thought any longer or if my focus has shifted. I'm going to be 36 next month, so it's not like I have a ton of time to change my mind (or figure it out for that matter), either.

All I know is that I've been good at not thinking about this whole mess this summer and now, here I am, with it smacking me in the face.

My Safe Zone Has Been Forever Ruined.

One of the many reasons that I enjoy taking Nittany to Dock Do.gs competitions is because it's pretty much kid-free land. Some people have kids but if they do, they don't bring them and they definitely don't talk about them incessantly. It's been so nice.

So, back at a competition in the end of July, I thought one of the women who jumps her dog was pregnant. I immediately felt a pit in the bottom of my stomach. However, later in the day, I saw the woman smoking. I immediately felt relieved. After all, what kind of pregnant woman smokes, knowing all the dangers?

The pit in my stomach came back yesterday, because there she was, with her adorable baby bump.

It took everything I had not to say something to her. I wanted to impore her to be thankful for what she had.

In the end, I went and found a quiet place (no small feat at a dog event) and found myself praying. I haven't prayed since last October when we lost our little bean. I prayed for strength and for the ability to accept. I'll never understand, but I want the ability to live with what's happenend to us.

In the end, I got up on the dock for the first time and jumped Nittany myself at Mr. SC's urging. He's always thought it would be good for me. I guess I'm a half decent fur-mommy, since she jumped two inches shy of her personal best on her first try with me!

An IF Casualty?

How much do you lean on IRL friends when it comes to IF? Do you have expectations of your friends that you do decide to confide in? If so, what are they? Do you think it's to be expected that your friendships will change/may end because of what you're going through?

I've been doing too much thinking lately I suppose and I'm wondering how all of you see yourselves when it comes to IF and others (others meaning those outside of your significant other if you are pursuing a family with a significant other).

I'm curious about your thoughts and responses.

The Hope Award

Thanks, Miss Ruby, for thinking of this and for thinking of me! If you aren't already a follower, hop on over and check out her blog. She writes from the heart and is an example of someone who's looked IF and RPL in the face and vowed to not let it run her life.

Here what you need to do ! Put that picture up that one up there on your blog and blog about one thing you're happy about right now and one thing that you're hoping for in the future. You are acknowledging something that's making you smile right now and also putting out there that you have hope for thing one amazing thing to happen in the future, for you to bring you even more happiness! oh and then you have to pass this award onto anyone who you believe would benefit from looking at their surroundings, their life now and finding happiness in it !

One thing I'm happy about right now...my pumpkin patch. Ok, well, it's actually just our garden, which has been yielding odd things this year. We planted the same as last year and ended up with hundreds of cucumbers (compared to ten last year), no bell peppers at all (compared to about 100 last year) and a crazy amount of pumpkins, some of which are huge. I wanted to take pictures to chronicle their growth, but to me it's too similar to a baby bump photo montage. I'll get there though. Today Mr SC and I making sundried tomatoes and spaghetti sauce from our tomatoes, too.

One thing I'm hopeful about for the future... to be better able to recognize and embrace all that I do have and not dwell on what I've lost. That, and someone to invent chocolate with all the taste and no calories. :)

My nominees are...

JC at Steps to Baby

Erika at Pollination Chronicles

Katie at From if to When

Adele at Delinquent Eggs

Jess at A Little Blog About the Big Infertility

All My Thoughts, Jumbled Into Mush

It felt so good to go on vacation. Gosh, I wish we could go back. It was so wonderful to spend time with each other and our pooches and soak in the sand and the rays. Mr SC kept asking me why I had my eyes closed and if I was tired. Truth is, while I was sitting on that beach chair, I just kept trying to breath in every moment. I wanted to be able to sear everything into my senses so when I needed a "happy place", I could close my eyes and feel everything.

I'm not sure why I'm so sad now that I'm home. It's Mr SC's birthday and I feel like a lousy wife. We decided not to give each other "gifts" this year because our "gift" is going to the Colts/Redskins game in October. That's great and all, but I felt like I shoved cards at him and that was it...random any other day of the week. We can't have freaking sex because damn AF showed on Wednesday and is still here. Actually, I started spotting a half decent amount on the second day on our vacation. Yep. Blah. So, I asked Mr SC what kind of cake he wanted. His reply? Pineapple upside down cake. Sure, I can do that. Well, the recipe only made one nine inch cake. Mr SC said hmmm...that's going to be small. No problem! I made two. Too bad in the second one I forgot to put the eggs in. What a freaking flake I am.

So I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. Why? I can pretend that the phone call last week was good news but for me, I guess it wasn't. So many of your posts were so thoughtful and encouraging. Elevated NK cells and infusions (yes, IL infusions and not IVIG). Great! I'm fixed.

That's what we thought before our last loss. We thought I was fixed and so clearly I wasn't.

While we were away, I thought long and hard about not having a baby. I was pretty much resigned to the fact that TTC was over. It's taken too much from me and I want to survive intact. Another miscarriage and, well, I don't know if that would be so true anymore. Then, the phone call came. Perhaps that's supposed to be some sort of sign? I don't know.

After I listened to the message for a fourth time, I started sobbing. Mr SC just held me. He didn't understand why I was so upset. "It's good that there's something to fix!" he said. I replied, "but what's going to fix me?" I explained that I don't know if I'll ever be ready to try again and, if we do, it's not going to be for a while. In the back of my mind, I'd like to take a break until the spring. Why spring? Well, if I miscarry again, hopefully it will be over summer break from school. How twisted is that? I'm timing TTC around when I would be best able to mourn the loss of another baby. He's so understanding and told me that all he wants is me and for me to be ok. He wants a baby but my sanity and my emotional well-being is what matters the most to him. That made me feel better.

I did spell out one condition to Mr SC. I don't do this in our marriage, spell out conditions. However, I told him that before we move forward (whether that means to stop trying or to go ahead) that I wanted us to go to therapy together. He agreed. In the past, I've told him I thought it would be "a good idea" for him to try it out for himself, etc. This time, I flat out asked. We're not there yet though. My follow-up appointment is next week and we'll take it from there.

The results of the tests though are what I can't get out of my head. Four different times I was pregnant and four different times my body killed my baby. That's all I can think about. As a life was fighting to grow inside me, I killed it. Some mother I am.

I'm Home...With Much to Process

Hi everyone! I'm home. I'm semi-unpacked and the laundry is finished, but now I'm getting back to the important stuff...getting caught up on my reading/commenting!

I have so many thoughts swimming around in my head, especially in light of my test results. There were also several of you who gave me a great deal to think about while I was away (I was reading but I couldn't comment). But, instead of dealing with any of that important stuff...

We had a great time on vacation. Aside from the car battery dying (on the beach, without jumper cables and it was my fault), it was fabulous. Our days pretty much consisted of beach for about four hours (with pooches), go back to hotel and go to pool, relax, go back to beach for another few hours. It was wonderful.

I appreciated your suggestions about the Outer Banks, but we go south of Nags Hea.d, etc. Our two pooches were with us also, so we couldnt' stop to eat anywhere on the way home (the pooches enjoyed their Mc.Donald's hamburgers, though).

So, instead of dealing with anything of real substance, here are some pics from our vacation!

This is Lewie, digging to find a crab

This is one morning when Mr SC and I headed out to the beach at 6:15am so he could go fishing and I could look for shells. That's our SUV and him on the far right.

Here are the two of us on our last night. We had the beach to ourselves!

The pictures don't do these rainbows justice. They were the brightest I've ever seen!

The Results are In!

I'm coming out of vacation hibernation to tell you that the testing from SIRM has turned up something. When I get home and have more time to read, process and figure out how to spell things, I'm sure I'll have more to say.

For now, I wanted to let you know that I have elevated natural killer cells and borderline high antiphospholipid cells. Both are treated with IVIG infusions and heparin, repectively.

I'd really appreciate it if you'd let me know if you're in the same boat.

Ok, back to being a beach bum. I miss you all and am looking forward to getting caught up when I get home.