Hitting the Road

Thank you. Thank you to each and every one of you who commented on my blog and who emailed me. After the shitty day I had, I can't tell you how much better it made me feel. Knowing that people understand and that I'm not alone means the world to me.

I'm heading off to the Outer Banks bright and early at 3am tomorrow morning and we won't be back until Friday. Saying that I'm excited doesn't even do how I'm feeling justice (especially after the day I had yesterday!) I've decided not to take my laptop and therefore I won't be able to comment on any blogs (although I'll be reading on my phone). I'll leave you with a picture ofMr SC with Nittany in the water last year.

One last thing before I sign off. If you get a chance (and you aren't already a follower), stop on over at Michelle's blog. She endured years of pain and procedures before getting pregnant. Her baby girl Kaitlin is set to arrive on Tuesday and she's counting down the days! She's an incredible woman and I consider her a real friend, even though we've never met. Good luck, Michelle!

The End of the Road?

I had my follow-up (finally) today with my RE from my miscarriage in May. It had been scheduled last month but I had to reschedule since I went to that week of training.

Because my doctors (regular and RE) are all part of the same medical system, my RE actually had my bloodwork results from last week from my regular doc. Remember that I had been concerned about my cholesterol (I was on meds for it since I was 25, genetically high, stopped meds when TTC)

The good news:

• Um...I really like my RE. She grows her hair for two years and then gets it cut for Locks of Lo.ve.

The bad news:

• She thinks that IVF with PGD is a waste, since studies have shown that the success rates aren't high enough for live births
• She also thinks it's a waste since we aren't sure what my problem is (and PGD would be leaning ot an egg quality issue)
• This IVF idea is different from the doc at SIRM (philosophy about the road to take, if all my tests from She.r come back fine)
• My cholesterol, in my RE's words is "terrible" (which I can't take medication for while TTC)
• She talked to me about my other "options": donor eggs (no), adoption (no), and a surrogate (no)
• She thinks if we're going to keep trying, we do so sooner rather than later due to my age and my cholesterol.

Yep, that's it. My day sucked.

I could have clobbered Mr SC. He went with me because I had an anxiety attack about even going to see her. The last time I was in that office I was miscarrying. However, he didn't go back in the room with me.

He kept getting on my shit to tell him what happened. I told him I'd rather talk to him about it in the car. Well, it's a good 10 minute walk from her office to the car. He was getting frustrated that he didn't know what was going on. I kept saying, I'd rather do this in private. Then, finally, after another question, I just started talking about it, right in the middle of the sidewalk. Donor eggs, blah blah blah. WTF? I let him have it in the car. I was crying and really upset. He kept saying, "what's the big deal...no one was around". I said the big deal is I'm crying, there was a dude in front of us on his phone and I asked to wait to talk about this.

Honestly, if the testing from SIRM doesn't turn up anything, that may be the end of the road for us. Why? Because I'm not comfortable shelling out all that money for IVF when it's questionable if it will even work. And, I'm not ready (or willing) to just try again blindly. Then I'd have no one to blame but myself if I miscarried again.

Maybe there's a reason that everything is working against us...the losses, the scar tissue, the Factor V and MTHFR diagnosis and now, my cholesterol.

I'm the first to admit that I could lose weight. I get that. However, we were at the store getting some things for the beach and Mr SC kept picking up things that he knew I would like and reading labels. He just kept saying, "this doesn't have cholesterol" and "that doesn't have cholesterol". Yes, I know. Finally he said, "what do you eat that has cholesterol?" I keep telling him it's a genetic thing but it's not getting through his head.

So that's that. Maybe there's a reason why I keep feeling like I'm swimming against the current. I'm tired. I'm worn out. I'm exhausted mentally and, just like swimming against the current, after all that work, it's gotten me nowhere.

Perhaps it's time to get out of the water and sit on the shore.

Taking it for Granted: The Ultimate

This month marks two years of TTC. It doesn't seem like two years, with all of the losses that I suffered, but nonetheless, it's been two years.

It seems as though we're surrounded by the assumption of children. If a couple is child free, the automatic reaction (on the part of most) is why? It seems as though it's entirely socially acceptable to ask a couple when they're having children, as if it's not a matter of "if" but "when". The messages are everywhere. One of my favorite shows is House Hun.ters and it always amazes me how couples talk about "when we have children" or "we'll be having children in a few years". One couple even said, "If we don't have children, well, we just have to have children! Otherwise, what's this all for?" (as he gestured to the newly purchased home).

Two years ago, I never thought that I'd be in the position I'd be in now. No, let me rephrase. I never thought I would have had four miscarriages and be no closer to finding the answer to the lingering question, "why"? However, I did go into TTC wondering how long it would take. I was 33 and although I had been on the pill for many years due to irregular periods, I never had a pregnancy scare. I was anticipating things taking a while. I don't know why...I just did. If I only knew. One thing I never talked about (or if I did, it was rarely) was the presumption that "when we have kids" etc, etc. However, I never really allowed myself to think about the possibility that it just would never happen biologically. I knew people here or there who "couldn't have kids" but I never realized just how common IF was.

It makes me want to shake people when I hear their assumptions. What an eye-opener this last two years have been. I've learned lessons about myself, my husband, my marriage and life that I never thought I would. I would certainly have rather never gone through what we've gone through, but I do think the last two years have made me a better person.

At A Standstill

Do you ever feel like the rest of the world keeps moving on and living life and there you are...not moving and stuck?

This has been a long stretch for me to be at home this summer and, well, I'm realizing that fleeing the scene and escaping isn't the most effective coping strategy. It takes much more work to stay at home and deal with things. (Well duh, right?) Since last summer and looking forward to this fall, I have gone (or will be going) on 16 trips. Granted, most of these are only for long weekends, but still. I've had a great time but our finances have taken a significant hit. I keep thinking "you only live one" or "life's too short" but now that I'm taking a step back, I'm not sure if I want to follow those adages. We don't know where we're headed TTC-wise and I feel almost like I'm rebelling against all of the planning and the holding pattern that so many of us encounter with TTC.

Nittany got 4th place this weekend, which was great! It was 100 degrees on Saturday and being outside from 7:30am to 5pm was a bit much. Sunday brought a two hour torrential downpour and a tornado warning. Ugh. I'm looking forward to an easy week before we had on vacation next week!

Our Weekend!

We have our next Dock Dog.s competition this weekend. Have you ever seen Dock Dog.s? Sometimes it's on ESP.N. Dogs compete to see how far they can jump into a pool or a lake after a toy. Here's a pic of Nittany from last year's event where she jumped 19ft 11 inches.

I'm not looking forward to baking outside tomorrow (and Sunday) all day but we're set with a canopy, fans and plenty of cold water. Nittany will be in and out of the water so she'll be ok.

Thank you for your kind words about my friend and also Mr. SC. And, things went well this week at She.r. The saline u/s was no big deal!

Whatever you do this weekend, try and keep cool!

Prayers for a Friend

I'm writing here because I don't know what else to do and I'm just so incredibly upset. I was part of a close group in college. There were about 14 of us who shared classes and often went out for drinks, etc. I recently reconnected with one on FB and we caught up, which was nice. It was interesting though, because the entire time we're talking about our jobs and getting married, I knew there was a gaping hole in my story. I didn't tell her about any of my angels.

She didn't tell me about hers either.

The last few days, her status updates have been about her leaving for a trip to Ireland (which she did yesterday). This morning her update said, "A year ago today I experienced the most powerful love and loss of my life. Our sleeping angel was born... I wish she was alive and healthy and with us."

I am so sad for her. I can't imagine her pain and her exciting trip to Ireland takes on another whole dimension now. She's doing something with her husband that she'll enjoy, as much as she can, without being at home with painful reminders of what happened a year ago.

I struggled for a long time and finally decided to send her a message. I'm not sure if she'll respond but if not, that's ok. I told her how sorry I was and told her that although I know it's not the same, that I've had four losses in just over a year. I offered my ear if she wanted to talk but also said that I respect her privacy.

Can you keep her in your thoughts today?

A Big Ol' Bite in the Ass

This post is about my husband, referred to here (and throughout this blog) affectionately as Mr SC. We have a great relationship, although truth be told, it's been tested quite a bit with our losses. Thankfully we've weathered the storms together and not separately and find ourselves closer than we have been before.

It's tough though for him. Although in my last post I talked about how differently we handle things and process things, that doesn't take away the fact that he's still mourning, too.

You see, my husband is a man's man. No metrosexual here. He looks big and tough (and acts that way often, too) but deep down, is a big softie. He's my teddy bear. I can see him struggle though with what he feels his role "should" be (the strong one, the rock, etc) and how he's feeling (trapped, out of control, helpless).

In addition to trying to help me keep myself together and dealing with our losses, Mr SC has also been dealing with being out of work. He had two separate surgeries from work injuries and also was laid off for over a year. Saying money was tight is an understatement. He was back at his old job for three weeks and got injured, again. Although he doesn't need surgery this time, it's tough for him to not be able to do things and feel like the provider. It's all a big chop to his manhood.

Mr SC has been having stomach problems that have been getting worse and worse. His stomach problems have also caused something else that, um, I'm not going to mention explicitly here since there is an outside chance that he reads this and I don't want him to be mortified. He's in excruciating pain and finally called the doctor. This was a huge step for him; he's been scared that he has cancer (which to Mr SC is always what's wrong with him and his ultimate fear, because it's what he father died from).

Last night Mr SC finally went to the doctor. He asked me to go with him and I'm glad that I did. I knew (well, suspected) what was wrong with him (in addition to the obvious, painful thing). He has IBS. His doctor only knew of his stress with his knee (recent work injury) and his past injuries. He knew nothing about him being out of work or any of our losses. His doctor sure kept saying that it's no wonder that you're under stress with your injury, blah, blah, blah. If his doctor only knew.

I say it bit Mr SC in the ass because I think maybe, just maybe, he will be able to realize that he's a strong man but that doesn't mean that he has to take on the weight of the world on those sexy, broad shoulders of his. That maybe, just maybe, all this keeping stuff in isn't doing him any favors. I knew through all of this that he really wasn't "ok" and that he was going through the motions. I hope that he realizes that now, too.

Welcome and Something New

For those of you stopping by from ICLW, welcome! It's been a few months since I participated and I'm looking forward to finding great new people and blogs to read.

As I started to clean out our office today, I found a box full of stuff. Duh, isn't that what happens when you clean out? ZZZZZZ...... But seriously, it was something I received through Shar.e, which is a non-profit pregnancy and infant loss group. It had articles and a few pamphlets that I had tucked away. I finally delved into its contents because before I couldn't bring myself to do so. It had arrived in October of last year, after loss #3.

I have been searching for a way to remember or a way to honor or losses. I've been struggling how to do this and honestly, up until this point, it was too difficult to put too much thought into.

One thing that I've been doing more and more of is gardening. I've lived in the city all my life until three years ago and now that I have an acre of land, I've been trying to add my own touches to it (wait until you see the massive pumpkins growing in our garden!) We have a flowerbed that we started this summer but it never really took off. The weather has just been horrible here (and atypical) to start any kind of real growth.

As I was going through the contents of the packet today, I found a full page listing of flowers and their meanings. It seemed to make perfect sense to me to create a memory garden, in honor of my four angels. I'm not sure if I'm even going to share this with anyone. I've come to not only realize but also accept that as hurt as Mr SC is by all of this, it's just not the same for him. He didn't have those babies growing inside him. He didn't have to be given pills to officially terminate the pregnancy and sit as what should have been my child left my body. He wasn't put under sedation and wheeled into an OR, knowing that when he woke up the baby that should have been would have been removed from his body.

It's too late to really start it and see it this year, although there are some plants that I can plant in the fall which will bloom in the spring. I know though that each year as the plants grow and the flowers bloom, it will be in honor of another year that my angels grow in my heart.

Playing by the Rules

Yesterday I finally went to a new, regular doctor (sometimes referred to as a PCP or GP). When I relocated over three years ago I had found one but she relocated. I then found another and she left the practice. My old gyno had taken over my medications but I know that I need a regular doctor.

I really liked her. She listened about my not sleeping and anxiety, which was helpful. I'm scared though. I have genetically high cholesterol. It just is. I was put on medication when I was 25, which helped. However, I was told not to even touch medications while TTC. I asked my doctor if there could be a number (level) that it comes back as which would cause her to sit down with me and tell me that I need to think about my priorities (ie. not TTC so I can take medications). She said yes. Yikes. So, we'll see. Especially after my testing at SIRM comes back, if my doctor recommends IVF with PGD, we'll be on a break until at least next summer so I may very well go back on that medication until then.

We had a long talk, my doctor and I. I came to the realization that I pretty much rebelled against everything. So many of us have talked about how we felt that we have always played by the rules and yet it got us nowhere. I realized yesterday that I feel this way about everything. When I hate super healthy and worked out religiously, my body still didn't listen and my cholesterol was still elevated. My losses are yet another example of this.

I started yesterday trying to take small steps to reclaim myself and my body. It may have only been one day, but I ate very well and had a minimal amount of calories. Weight loss is dreadful for me because of my thyroid condition, but you have to start somewhere.

Tomorrow is my saline ultrasound at SIRM. I'm very nervous but thanks to all of you, I'm more prepared and know exactly what to expect. Thank you so much for that.

Um....?

I've been trying to get caught up on my commenting. I was away this week at Cape May with my mom. She loves the beach and we got a oceanview room and enjoyed ourselves. It was great! This weekend, Mr SC and I are heading to Atlantic City. I got him tickets to see Rodney Carrin.gton and I saved a little money for him to gamble (his thing, not mine!) I'm looking forward to getting away with him. This Wednesday, we're headed back to SIRM for my saline u/s and our immunology bloodwork. I'm amused that I'm spending this much time in New Jersey!

Strollers were all over the place at the beach. YUCK. The only thing worse than strollers for me is pregnant women. Mr SC and I had to go shopping when I got home yesterday and I saw five in the store. BLECH!

I'm also struggling with something else right now. I'm hesitant to even blog about it because I have a feeling I know what people are going to say, not really knowing the entire background. For some reason though, I need to get this out there.

First, I call the man that my mom married when I was four (and who legally adopted me) Dad. He's not my father but that's how I viewed him my whole life until about eight years ago. I'm fine with that. I call him "Dad" when I talk about him but it's more for ease and not for any feeling behind the name. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a father. I'm fine with that...my mom is the one who raised me anyway.

My "Dad" was abusive. I'm not going to go into the details about how, but just know that it was definitely abuse, on many levels, and it wasn't pretty. He didn't attend my college graduation (because my mother would be there) and, after that, I pretty much wrote him out of my life.

I have stepsister (who had a kid at 17...GREAT!) that I'm "friends" with on FB. We barely know each other but whatever. She sends me a message a few days ago to tell me that "Dad has cancer". She knew that I hadn't been in touch with him but thought that I should know. I thought this was very kind of her, seeing that we barely know each other. Anyway, it's in his bronchi (I think) and he's having chemo and radiation and after that's contained, they will remove the cancerous tumor that's in his lungs. Not sure how that's working, but anyway.

I thanked her for updating me and asked her to keep me posted. The worst part? I feel nothing. Nothing. I should...I know that, but I don't. Something that I learned about myself some time ago is this freaky thing that I do, in that, when something hurts me too much, I am completely able to shut off my emotions and there's no getting them back. This stems from what happened with my father but it's happened at other points in my life, too.

My ultimate fear is that it happens with TTC and having a child. I want no parts of trying. I want no parts of going to SIRM and investigating what's going on...I just don't know if it's a temporary thing or if the pain of the losses has finally caught up with me, the idea that my body can't process any more pain so I'm shut off.

Only time will tell.

A Big Step

Mr SC were running around the house crazy busy today. We have a bunch of things going on and I'm getting set to go to Cape May with my mom on Monday morning (just the two of us). We were just about to sit down to dinner when the phone rang and I actually answered it.

It was my friend, L.

I've blogged about L before. Mainly, I talked about L back in October, when we were pregnant at the same time (ironically, both with girls) and were excited about giving birth together, etc. etc. She miscarried and I didn't. Then, she didn't talk to me. We had a heart to heart a few weeks ago and decided we didn't know if we could be friends, because she always feared that she would be hurting me too much. The day after that conversation, she had her daughter.

L called me last week to tell me she was thinking of me and a crazy weekend we had away with our husbands and dogs two 4th of July's ago. It was so much fun. We were in a river in a boat that flipped over and, well, with all the floating objects and our dogs, I ended up peeing my pants laughing. We chuckled on the phone and she said to give her a call if I wanted to go for a walk. This is something that we always used to do together.

L wanted to know if Mr SC and I wanted to meet them for drinks. I automatically said yes, without hesitation. I couldn't believe it. Mr SC couldn't believe it. I was super nervous. It meant so much to me for her to reach out to me and to the both of us.

So we had drinks. And we laughed. It was nice. She didn't really talk about her little one. I asked questions, because I wanted her to know that it was ok. I asked if she looked like her big sister, who is 1 1/2. I asked if she was sleeping through the night. L answered but didn't give many details. Mr SC thought that this was out of respect for me and what we went through but still, just as my losses are an important part of my life and I feel like they define who I am, so do L's children and that's ok.

I just can't believe how different our lives were ten months ago. That was loss #3. Then to have another in the spring while her baby continued to grow healthy and strong inside of her.

All along I thought that L wasn't a true friend but I think she was, for many reasons. Most of all though, I'm so thankful that I reached out to her and broke down these walls that had built up between us. And, instead of taking the easy way out, she's making an effort to repair our relationship, too. This won't be easy for us but I think that this friendship is worth it.

Who Am I?

It's difficult for me to make small talk with others and I've blogged about it before. This is something though that's gotten worse over time.

Actually, it's been worse since March 2009, when I had my first miscarriage.

When I look into the mirror, I don't like what I see. Sure, I carry the IF weight gain and have all those other things I could pick apart about myself physically, but it goes deeper than that.

All I see are my losses and the things that have been magnifed by them. The dark circles under my eyes. The wrinkles on my face. My red, swollen eyes. Even on days that I haven't been crying, I feel like they never go away.

I struggle with this. Others would describe me as funny, smart, intelligent and happy. I want to be those words. I used to be those words. Now I feel like everywhere I turn and everything I do has been marred forever by what should have been. Months of the year are marked by horrible reminders and bring memories that I wish I could push out of my mind. Places I go and songs I hear serve as reminders, too. I can remember conversations I had in the car or news that I recieved that makes it difficult to be on certain roads. It's everywhere.

This is why I've had a more difficult time with people since my losses. Each of them, in their own way, have permeated through my soul. They are scars that will never heal. A simple question such as "how are you" can send me over the edge. Meeting new people and the dreaded..."tell us about yourself" is the worst. Hi, I'm Kelly and I've lost four babies in the last 13 months. That's all I can think about. It defines who I am and everything else that I am, or that I used to be, has faded away. I wonder if all the smiles really cover it all up or if even a stranger who meets me

When will I ever feel truly happy again? Don't get me wrong, I'm not laying on the couch for hours each day sobbing. I still laugh and enjoy things, but in the back of my head, it's always there. Some days it's easier to keep it in the back of my mind than others though. I look at pictures from before and can remember those emotions so vividly. I can remember being happy, feeling happy and not having anything snap me back to reality. I just don't know how to get that back. Maybe it would be different if I hadn't had four miscarriages. It just sounds so disgusting to say that it can't be real.

Each time that a life growing inside me died a piece of me died with it. I can say for certain that no amount of time or therapy will ever bring it back again.

An Award! Read About Me and See Who I Nominate. :)

Thank you, Erika, for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award!

For this award, here’s what to do:
1. Thank whoever gave you the award.
2. Tell 10 things about yourself that readers may not know.
3. Pay it forward by nominating 7 bloggers you’ve recently discovered.

Oh my...10 things that you may not know about:
1. I'm a HUGE Penn St.ate fan. Please don't call or text me during the football games. We get out plates and cups and I make food that's blue and white. Plus, I paint my toes and nails blue and white, pull my hair back in a blue and white football elastic and, of course, wear blue and white.

2. I was featured in our local newspaper for my PSU enthusiasm. They came to my classroom (which, of course, has an entire blue and white shrine, right down to the blue and white M&Ms) and I got to take part in a photo shoot. Too funny.

3. Although I'm a history teacher, I never watch the Histor.y Channel. When I get to sit down and relax, I don't want to think more. Know what I mean?

4. Our yellow lab, Nittany (no surprise there), is a Doc.k Dog. She competes in events throughout the summer and fall. In her best event, she placed first in her division (of about 35 dogs) and jumped 19' 6"!

5. I love to do genealogy research. A few years ago for Christmas I put together a book for my grandmother that traced her family back to the 1700's (on both sides). In addition to the typical family tree, I included old photographs that I was able to find as well as pictures from cemeteries where her relatives were buried. I've been asked if I would be willing to work in a fee-for-service type situation but haven't yet.

6. I can't really swim. I can navigate in the water and I won't drown, but I wasn't on the swim team, that's for sure!

7. I was a vegetarian for 13 years. I try not to buy products that aren't test on animals, either, but it's fairly difficult to do without spending an arm and a leg.

8. I was married before Mr SC. Gosh, it doesn't even seem like that's real. What a stupid, stupid mistake! I was only 23 and was divorced by the time I was 27 (even though we were separated after being married for a year and a half).

9. I have mild OCD. I can't leave the house without quadruple checking that the coffeepot or my straightener is unplugged. I could go on, but I don't want to seem like a massive weirdo. :)

10. Mr SC and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, but I have yet to sing in front of him. I don't know why. He sings to me all the time but it's just been built up so much I haven't yet. I'm not a bad singer, either!

So, that's a little bit more about me. :)

And my nominees are....
1. Adele at Delinquent Eggs
2. Rebecca at Trying Not to Scream
3. Mai at Salvageable
4. Al at Mission: Motherhood
5. Kristi at Let the IVF Rollercoaster Begin
6. Jo at MoJo Working
7. Betty at I Married Barney...Now What?

I'm Home!

It was difficult to be away last week. I made a few new friends (yay, me) and finished a great book. After being away for what felt like weeks (instead of just one), I got home on Friday. Mr SC was so cute...he was almost giddy. The house was spotless and he bought me flowers. It was so good to be home.

My parents came yesterday morning and spent the night. They left late this morning. It's so nice that my stepfather (well, and my mom) love, love, love Mr SC. I can't say that about my previous relationships. It was relatively chaotic with four dogs in our small house (and four people) but it was fun.

Unfortunately, due to dear AF's arrival (and timing), I now can't have my procedure at SIRM this Wednesday, nor could I have my CD3 b/w done. I know it's fine and all, but next month for CD3 I'll be at the beach so I guess it will wait until September.

The only other significant thing going on is that after being called back to work, Mr SC hurt his knee at work, again. He's off until he figures out what's going on but he's already had three surgeries on this same knee. Should be interesting. Good news though that we have off together for now.

I'm curious...have any of you ever had a saline u/s? That's what I'm going to have done in a couple of weeks (to check for scar tissue regrowth).

I hope that all of you had a weekend. For those of you in the U.S., did you do anything special for the 4th?