Missing Home.

This trip has been difficult for me for many reasons. I'm very glad I came and I was so excited about it, but it's been tough.

You see, I'm not a very outgoing person. I'm fairly shy and always watch people (with awe) who are able to talk so easily and so freely to others. I wish that were me, but it isn't. IF and RPL has only compounded this problem for me.

I'm in class all day from 8-4. That's relatively safe. Then comes the afterwards. I'm so nervous. I don't want to hear about babies or children or whatever. It doesn't help that the complete dolt who I sit next to and who I'm partnered with (gee thanks, professor) and who munches on his fingernails all day (um, tapeworm anyone???) has a newborn-ish baby as his laptop wallpaper. Great.

I don't want things to make me sad or upset. It was a big step for me coming here, leaving the relative safety of my home, leaving my husband. I'm avoiding social interaction (beyond professional stories, of course) like the plague and I hate it.

Then, last night, I log on to FB (uh oh!) I commented on a friend's status and there it was. A former student (former because she's a chain-pot smoker and she dropped out of high school at 16) had commented on her status, too.

And then I clicked.

I already knew she was pregnant, but I got to read it. Her "about me"? 17...single...pregnant...happy

Status updates...

Ate breakfast at McD's and threw it up! Perks of pregnancy.

Chillin' with x, y, and z (who are all chain pot smokers too and even if she isn't smoking, her growing baby surely got a contact high)

My favorite?

Off to see the baby daddy.

Fucking great.

Of course I'm upset at this point. It's 11pm and Mr SC isn't here. It was last night that I realized that he's not a big talker but he really and truly is there for me, in ways I never realized. I really miss him. We've become much more connected with what we've gone through, and I'm thankful for that.

AF is on her way. I started spotting this morning. I'm glad (especially after what I wrote about yesterday) but still. It's just another reminder that I'm not pregnant.

There is Something Seriously Wrong With Me

Yep. I'll admit it. I'm nuts. Warped. Scarred. Batty. Bonkers. Ah, what the hell. I was trying to rise above and not resort to profanity. If I'm being honest though, nothing quite says it like saying, "I'm fuck*d up".

I still cannot believe what I just did. I walked a mile to my car and found a drug store in the town that I'm in (remember, away for a work thing) and took a HPT. WHY??? Why did I do this? AF still hasn't showed. I'm fairly certain when I Oed. BFN.

One would think that after four miscarriages and no explanation as to why they're occurring, I would be relieved about this.

Nope. Disappointed. Why? Well, because now I'm back to my body misbehaving, with no explanation, yet again. It's been seven weeks since my m/c. Seven. It's never taken this long before for the hag to show. I'm so tired of all of this. I'm at the point where I'm just done. Done with thinking about my stupid ass menstrual cycle. Finished with packing a whole assortment of pads, tampons and the like of various shapes and sizes when I travel, just in case AF decides to tag along for the ride. I'm all set to have testing done and I can't because I'm stuck here, waiting.

For those of you who had asked previously, no, I didn't have my betas followed to zero. Why? Well, I couldn't deal with knowing that my body "expelled" the pregnancy but in some sick, twisted universe, my body still hangs on to the hormones. I also have a hell of a time having blood drawn and I just didn't do it. I know my HCG though is back to normal levels and has been for several weeks. How? I can explain but it's long and, well, I'm hot and feeling extra bitchy.

Hmmm...maybe it's a sign that the wench is about to come after all.

Sooo...a few random things

I absolutely love to travel. I'm set to depart on Sunday for Connecticut for a summer institute for the AP Government class I'm going to be implementing in my school district this fall. It's a week long institute and I'm looking forward to meeting new people, learning some new things and also visiting a new state! I'm a dork, I know. :) The day after I get home, my parents are coming for the 4th of July weekend.

What else is going on...

1. I posted earlier today and then deleted it. I still see the subject showing up on blogrolls though. Briefly, the post was asking what your experiences were after misoproso.l (or cytotec) with regards to the dear aunt's visit. If you read this and can share, it would be great. That leads me to #2...

2. Stupid bitch AF still isn't here. I am waiting for her to show so I can get my CD 3 b/w (again!) for my new RE. He also wants to double check to make sure my scar tissue hasn't grown back but I can only do that on CD 5-10. Again, GRRRRR to AF. No signs she's coming, either. I don't want to call my RE to take Prove.ra. No more meds in my body for now. Yet again I just feel like some scientific fluke. UGH.

3. It was a bit cooler here today in the northeast. It only got up to 87 or so and wasn't very humid. YAY! I was actually able to get work done in the garden today.

4. I haven't heard back yet from Pete (from my previous post) about his stupid FB comment. Reading your comments made me feel like less of a bitch and so much more empowered. Thank you. :)

5. If you've made it this far, good for you. This by no means was an earth-shattering post. Hell, I didn't even manage to be funny. :)

Have a good weekend!

You've GOT to be Kidding Me!

I have to vent about something. I knew that everyone here would get it. It's going to sound very high school with a twist of Jerry Sprin.ger, but that's ok.

So, I have a dear friend, Pete. Pete and I have been friends for years but when I moved three years ago, we grew apart a bit. Pete's a great guy. One thing though that he's always been adamant about is that he doesn't want kids.

Pete's married to an idiot. Her name is Sally. Sally never liked that Pete and I were friends and I actually got uninvited to their wedding because they "cut the guest list". Anyway, apparently shortly after they got married, Sally brought up having kids. Pete was very WTF...she had known all along that he didn't want kids. They got a dog instead.

Sally started cheating on Pete. Pete found out. He never wanted to leave her and never even considered it. Why? Because Sally's his wife! Anyway, Sally broke of the affair (well, supposedly) and OOPS! During their first make-up sex session, she gets pregnant. (That's how the story goes, anyway). Now Sally is pregnant, with TWINS!

Pete just wrote this on my wall...I deleted it:
"Oh, by the way, Sally is pregnant. WITH TWINS! Weren't tryin' and now havin' two. Life...is...over!"

I deleted the comment and sent him this message. I realize it may sound bitchy or whatever (he doesn't know any of my miscarriage stuff) but I'm ok with that.

Pete,

Congratulations! How am I? I've recovering from my fourth miscarriage since March of 2009.

UGH!!!!!!

It was ironic that this happened today. Katie wrote a post about this very topic, asking for people to comment about the stupid shit that people have said.

My Appointment

Today was my consultation with the RPL doctor at the She.r Institute. What's going on now...more testing, he's checking my uterus to be sure the scar tissue hasn't grown back and then we'll do the sit down and go over the results.

• We really liked the doctor. He was very thorough and talked about what he wants to do and what we don't need to do. He also explained everything quite clearly.
• He doesn't believe in the need for an endometrial biopsy (apparently he led a major study) or in giving progesterone supplements
• He wants to focus a great deal on immunological testing. I forget the terms (there are three different sets) but one is testing for natural killer cells. The bad news about the immunological testing is that he said for many of them (not the killer cells though) the treatment will be baby aspirin or hepa.rin, both of which I've done and both of which weren't successful
• He feels that we have every reason to be hopeful and that all things are treatable, it's just that some things are more difficult than others
• If all else is "normal", then he'd think it's an egg quality issue and he'd recommend IVF with PGD. He said that good news for someone with RPL is that some of it will be covered by insurance, since it's not deemed a "fertility treatment"

I get the sense though that he feels like it's an egg quality issue.

In a way, the consultation was anti-climactic. Why? Well, from all the reading I've been doing and from all of you, I've already learned so much and knew what to expect. He was talking about things I knew exactly what he was talking about. To Mr SC though, much of it was like a foreign language.

We're still waiting for me to get my period from the miscarriage. Should be any day now. I'm going out of town for a week and I'm not sure if I'll get to have the testing done in the window that it needs to be. If not, it will be next cycle. It looks like I'll have answers by the end of the summer at least, which was my hope.

Thanks for all of your support with this. Thanks also to those of you who talked about the "last straw" for you. It helps me to gain the points of view of others. With all that's happened, it's easy to get tunnel vision and not see things clearly, if that makes sense.

What's the Last Straw?

You know...the end of the line? the straw that breaks the camel's back?

I'm just curious. For all of you out there in TTC land...

Have you identified it? Figured out what you'd whip out the white flag, signaling defeat? Determined what your end point will be?

Be honest here. And, for those of you who know my details, don't feel badly if it's with say, loss #20 (or whatever). We're all different...different paths, goals, expectations, means of reaching the child we all so desperately want.

But have you determined what will draw that line in the sand that once you reach it, there's no turning back and you'll say enough is enough...I can't do this anymore?

I know that plans change and that life changes or that life is what happens when you make plans. I get all that. This is just about where you're at, in your heads, with all of this.

Acceptance??

I learned when I was young that life isn't fair. It isn't. I've always been one who plays by the rules. Isn't there supposed to be a reward for that? I don't play by the rules because I feel, consciously, that there should be a reward. Rather, it's because it's the right thing to do.

Everywhere I turn though, I feel like I'm faced with more and more "rule breakers" who end up on top, while those who I know follow the rules, don't. It just doesn't seem right. It's something I can generally shake my head at, except when it comes to IF.

Throughout my life, I was fortunate to not have medical problems. I have hypothyroidism, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not that serious. I have high cholesterol (it's hereditary) and I can manage it. However, at the age of 35, I've never had a cavity or broken a bone (knock on wood). I only got chicken pox when I was 28. Perhaps that's why I've been dealt the RPL hand, to make up for all the other medical problems I didn't have.

I didn't realize just how common IF is and how many people struggle to have a child; deserving people who would be good parents, while those who are undeserving can easily procreate. It just baffles me.

On many levels, it's more painful for me to know that others that I love and care about are suffering. My own grief and pain is different. When someone I care about is hurting and my hands are tied, I feel even more helpless than I do about my own situation. I'm really ok. Perhaps it's all the cold meds I've been dumping in my body this week that has me all contemplative here. I don't know.

Please, if you get a chance, stop over and see Adele. She just learned that most likely, this is another pregnancy that isn't viable and she could use the support. She may not realize it, but Adele has helped me in so many ways. I've never met her, but she's offered me such support and encouragement that she's like a big sister to me. I wish there were more I could do for her but for now, I can just ask that you stop by and see her.

A Change in Plans and Things to Look Forward To

Mr SC was sick starting last Saturday. He's still sick but I think he'll be able to make a full day back at work today. Despite all of my attempts, I am now sick also. I didn't wait though (like I usually do) and headed to the doctor yesterday.

It's our anniversary on Sunday and we made plans to head to Washington, DC for a long weekend. That's why I headed to the doctor. We're so excited for this trip and I wanted to be sure I could go. I'm not feeling good, but a little better (although the house is a mess and I'm not going to be able to go shopping for a cute new outfit.)

I called She.r yesterday and was able to get my appointment rescheduled for next Tuesday afternoon. I was so relieved. I would have made the trip today if I absolutely had to, but sitting in the car for that long and feeling like crap didn't sound like much fun to me. Unfortunately, that means I won't get to go to the support group meeting I had asked everyone about attending some time ago (I got the days mixed up last month and I won't be home in time next week).

That takes me to our anniversary...on Sunday. I think back now to when we set our wedding date. If we only knew what was ahead for us. I would have never selected a day that could have potentialy been Father's Day. UGH. I know it will only fall on our anniversary every so many years, but still. The thought of celebrating our anniversary seven years from now and still being childless is just too painful.

I hope those of you who are in the US are dealing with this heat. We're set to get it tomorrow.

I Need to Know

We have our consultation with our new doctor at the She.r Institute on Thursday. This Thursday. I have been dealing with an overwhelming sense of dread. I'm doing better. I'm trying to be me. Not even thinking about the TTC stuff has allowed myself (and Mr SC) to start to try to get back to us. The us that is so happy. Hell, in my head, I'm thinking about even ever trying again. Why? Because why should we? We're happy. All TTC is for us is a huge enormous crapshoot. I feel like our odds right now of having that blissfully childfilled family are about as high right now of hitting the Powe.rball jackpot.

I came to the realization though that I need to know. I have a right to know. There's no way that these losses, all being sooo similar, were just a coincidence. There has to be something wrong with my body that's causing me to lose babies, especially after my little beans fought to stay alive and after we were told it was over, that their hearts started beating.

Thank you, Betty, for helping me realize this. She's going through things all of her own and was having similar feelings, all for different reasons though. I had actually picked up the phone today to cancel the appointment. I'm so glad I didn't.

I Made It

I'm feeling a strange sense of triumph today. Yesterday, at 2:40, the school year was officially over. Personally, it was by far the worst I've ever had. As a teacher though, it almost didn't feel "time" for it to be over. I loved the kids I had this year and with being out so much, I really feel like I missed out with them.

This week was full of ups and downs. I had a major blowup with my SIL, who also happens to be a co-worker. It's not even worth blogging about, but it rattled me quite a bit (she's a horrible human being, but anyway...). I also ended up having a heart to heart with my friend, L, who I haven't spoken to since October. We were close friends and ended up being due within two weeks of one another. I miscarried my baby girl in October and L ended up having hers two weeks late the morning after we had our talk. I don't know if we'll ever be friends again the way we were because for me, it just hurts too much. She's understands and as tough as it was, I'm so glad we had our talk.

Last night I went out to a party that is held annually by a teacher for everyone in the district. To say I had fun is an understatement. I really needed to go out and do that. I needed to be around my coworkers who care about me more than I realized. I needed to let go of my fear and get out of the house. Turns out, it was the most fun Mr SC and I had in a long time.

I got through the school year, which is something I didn't know if I was capable of. I'm trying to take steps to get back to me, Kelly. Kelly, the woman who loves her husband and her dogs and teaching. Kelly who is smart and funny. Even though I will always carry with me the battle scars of my four losses and the hell that has gone with it, it's not going to define me anymore. I refuse to let it.