The title of the post made me chuckle a little. I meant the movie, not with Mr SC!
I had heard that it was bad. The reviews were bad. However, after being a loyal fan of the series for so many years and seeing the first movie (which was pretty good), I felt like I had to see this one. I already had so much time invested. I had to see it through.
Wow. It was terrible.
A few things that I did like about the movie though, especially as it relates to IF, were that Carrie stayed child-free and it wasn't as if she was feeling like something was wrong with her. Yay!
It just felt so weird. It was almost like there were different writers (not the case). To me, it was culturally insensitive and I didn't feel connected or emotionally invested in the characters. In fact, to me, it was like they all hadn't worked together before (except a few scenes with the girls) and they were completely lacking any sort of chemistry.
This from the woman who cried her eyes out in the finale, when Carrie is at the front desk of the hotel in Paris after she is "slapped" and Big walks in. I cried through the whole end of the show.
This is all just IMHO, of course. I stayed away from specifics for those who will see the movie because I didn't want to spoil the plot (um...not quite sure what the plot actually was, but anyway)...
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Today, Just, Well, Sucked.
I'm not sure why I felt so barely pieced together today. I often feel like I'm doing pretty well. That is, until I'm not. I feel like I'm a broken plate that someone tried to glue back together and any small thing can cause the plate to recrack all over again.
Some random shit happened that isn't even worth mentioning. No big deal. I'm going to be honest here though...it's tough for me to read pregnancy blogs/posts right now. I feel like my life has frozen since we went through the hell of a month ago. The whole early u/s and then being told it wasn't viable and then seeing a HB. It's tough to read the results about betas and about u/s. I'm not jealous and it's not that I'm not happy for people...it just, well, makes me remember (while I'm trying so hard to deal).
Mr SC worked late today and called me on his way home. He sounded a bit off, but I figured it was from the long day in no AC. I made dinner and had it ready when he got home. I asked how his day was. His reply? It sucked.
When I asked why, he explained that first he told his friend at work about our most recent m/c (gosh, that sounds so horrible). Mr. SC had been out of work for over a year, started a new job in February but went back to his old job last week. He doesn't talk much about things, so I knew it bothered him to talk about things with someone. We both commented then on how much we hate that twisted look on people's faces when they hear about all of this crap.
Then he said...yeah, and this guy that just started back today had to leave after only being there for four hours. That was it. I asked why, and Mr SC said, "because of his wife". I said oh, is she ok. I couldn't figure out why he was upset. Mr SC replied...she went into labor.
Of all of my protestations to Mr SC about letting me see his feelings and talking to me, blah blah blah, I proved him right. I lost it. This is the first time that he's shared with me that something's bothered him (other than the losses themselves) and I just turned into a bawling idiot. I felt so horrible.
I know that it's fine but he tries to be my rock but he keeps everything in. I practically beg him not to and tell him that I can handle it.
Clearly I can't. Can someone just please tell me when the hurting is going to stop?
Some random shit happened that isn't even worth mentioning. No big deal. I'm going to be honest here though...it's tough for me to read pregnancy blogs/posts right now. I feel like my life has frozen since we went through the hell of a month ago. The whole early u/s and then being told it wasn't viable and then seeing a HB. It's tough to read the results about betas and about u/s. I'm not jealous and it's not that I'm not happy for people...it just, well, makes me remember (while I'm trying so hard to deal).
Mr SC worked late today and called me on his way home. He sounded a bit off, but I figured it was from the long day in no AC. I made dinner and had it ready when he got home. I asked how his day was. His reply? It sucked.
When I asked why, he explained that first he told his friend at work about our most recent m/c (gosh, that sounds so horrible). Mr. SC had been out of work for over a year, started a new job in February but went back to his old job last week. He doesn't talk much about things, so I knew it bothered him to talk about things with someone. We both commented then on how much we hate that twisted look on people's faces when they hear about all of this crap.
Then he said...yeah, and this guy that just started back today had to leave after only being there for four hours. That was it. I asked why, and Mr SC said, "because of his wife". I said oh, is she ok. I couldn't figure out why he was upset. Mr SC replied...she went into labor.
Of all of my protestations to Mr SC about letting me see his feelings and talking to me, blah blah blah, I proved him right. I lost it. This is the first time that he's shared with me that something's bothered him (other than the losses themselves) and I just turned into a bawling idiot. I felt so horrible.
I know that it's fine but he tries to be my rock but he keeps everything in. I practically beg him not to and tell him that I can handle it.
Clearly I can't. Can someone just please tell me when the hurting is going to stop?
Sunday, May 23, 2010
To Go or Not to Go...
I've been struggling with this decision for a long time. I've talked to a few close friends about it but I'm still on the fence.
While dealing with my losses, I started seeing a therapist last summer (in between #2 and #3). I also have been on medication (on and off, long story). Blogging also helps me tremendously but I've been considering going to a support group.
There's a new Resol.ve group that meets about an hour away from me. I sometimes though don't feel like I "fit in" with others and, honestly, I'm terrified that someone there would look at me and think grr...at least you can get pregnant. I don't want to feel even worse.
There were a few pregnancy loss groups that I had found but one was over an hour away and the other is about an hour. I don't go out often on school nights (sounds funny, huh?) and, well, I've been scared. Excuses, excuses.
There's a new group meeting that's much closer for me and it meets on this Thursday night. It's going to be just me going. Mr SC is my best friend and my best support system, but that's not for him. I'm scared for several reasons.
1. The group is for those who experienced a pregnancy loss or a stillbirth. Who am I to go and talk about my losses when others may have delivered a still child? My grief in no way compares to theirs.
2. Why go and make myself upset? At therapy, sometimes I don't feel like talking and we shoot the shit about random stuff. I just feel like I've recently had stitches...why go and do something that may rip them out? Know what I mean?
Thoughts? I just don't know.
While dealing with my losses, I started seeing a therapist last summer (in between #2 and #3). I also have been on medication (on and off, long story). Blogging also helps me tremendously but I've been considering going to a support group.
There's a new Resol.ve group that meets about an hour away from me. I sometimes though don't feel like I "fit in" with others and, honestly, I'm terrified that someone there would look at me and think grr...at least you can get pregnant. I don't want to feel even worse.
There were a few pregnancy loss groups that I had found but one was over an hour away and the other is about an hour. I don't go out often on school nights (sounds funny, huh?) and, well, I've been scared. Excuses, excuses.
There's a new group meeting that's much closer for me and it meets on this Thursday night. It's going to be just me going. Mr SC is my best friend and my best support system, but that's not for him. I'm scared for several reasons.
1. The group is for those who experienced a pregnancy loss or a stillbirth. Who am I to go and talk about my losses when others may have delivered a still child? My grief in no way compares to theirs.
2. Why go and make myself upset? At therapy, sometimes I don't feel like talking and we shoot the shit about random stuff. I just feel like I've recently had stitches...why go and do something that may rip them out? Know what I mean?
Thoughts? I just don't know.
Friday, May 21, 2010
A Little Bit About Me
I saw this on a few different blogs for ICLW and LOVED it! Thanks to Marla and Mai! You two probably know this already, but imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. :)
99 Things About Me (Everything that I have accomplished is in bold)
1. Started your own blog -and I'm so glad I did! The IF community is wonderful.
2. Slept under the stars -and I woke up with over 40 bug bites to prove it!
3. Played in a band -if playing the trumpet in my jr high band counts!
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to DisneyWorld
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris-it was great, but I liked London much, much better!
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables-we started our own garden last year
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch-hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon -I would love to do this though and admire people who do.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run-well, when I married Mr SC (barf, I know!)
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community-I just bought a whole bunch of flowers today from an Amish greenhouse
36. Taught yourself a new language-I tried to learn conversational Japanese through tapes I would listen to in my car. I still remember a few words, but I'm more of a visual learner, so it didn't work out so well.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris -and I still can't believe I actually did it!
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud -dirt and mud normally grosses me out, but Mr SC took me for a ride in the pouring down rain on a four-wheeler. I still don't know what possessed me to do it. It was yucky!
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving-you couldn't pay me enough money!
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London -do you know it takes two, full grown, adult bears to make one of their hats?
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury-I was rejected three times when I was picked in March!
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
99 Things About Me (Everything that I have accomplished is in bold)
1. Started your own blog -and I'm so glad I did! The IF community is wonderful.
2. Slept under the stars -and I woke up with over 40 bug bites to prove it!
3. Played in a band -if playing the trumpet in my jr high band counts!
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to DisneyWorld
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris-it was great, but I liked London much, much better!
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables-we started our own garden last year
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch-hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon -I would love to do this though and admire people who do.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run-well, when I married Mr SC (barf, I know!)
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community-I just bought a whole bunch of flowers today from an Amish greenhouse
36. Taught yourself a new language-I tried to learn conversational Japanese through tapes I would listen to in my car. I still remember a few words, but I'm more of a visual learner, so it didn't work out so well.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris -and I still can't believe I actually did it!
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud -dirt and mud normally grosses me out, but Mr SC took me for a ride in the pouring down rain on a four-wheeler. I still don't know what possessed me to do it. It was yucky!
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving-you couldn't pay me enough money!
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London -do you know it takes two, full grown, adult bears to make one of their hats?
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury-I was rejected three times when I was picked in March!
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
Thanks for Reading!
This week, I've accomplished some pretty cool things (at least to me, anyway). I returned to school (well, work...I'm a teacher) after being out for a month. I also hit 100 followers!
If this is your first time around, I'm Kelly. The standard TTC timeline stuff is on the right. How to sum up me right now? Dealing. And, if I do say so myself, I'm doing a half decent job of it. I had my 4th miscarriage almost two weeks ago but had about three weeks leading up to it of yes, you're miscarrying...oh no, you're not miscarrying, yes, this isn't a viable pregnancy, wait! there's a heartbeat...nope... so those weeks helped me get to the place I am now.
I'm trying to focus on me and also on my marriage and the supportive husband that I have. It's a constant struggle to not let this all define me (something I'm sure you can all relate to).
I always look forward to ICLW and finding some great new blogs to follow!
If this is your first time around, I'm Kelly. The standard TTC timeline stuff is on the right. How to sum up me right now? Dealing. And, if I do say so myself, I'm doing a half decent job of it. I had my 4th miscarriage almost two weeks ago but had about three weeks leading up to it of yes, you're miscarrying...oh no, you're not miscarrying, yes, this isn't a viable pregnancy, wait! there's a heartbeat...nope... so those weeks helped me get to the place I am now.
I'm trying to focus on me and also on my marriage and the supportive husband that I have. It's a constant struggle to not let this all define me (something I'm sure you can all relate to).
I always look forward to ICLW and finding some great new blogs to follow!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Today is the Day
That I'm supposed to be giving birth to a sweet, baby girl.
I had a dream about her while I was pregnant with her. We were having a picnic in the yard, with a blanket spread out under us and with my dogs on either side. She had beautiful wavy, dark brown hair and the most beautiful big blue eyes, just like her daddy's.
My heart aches for you. How can I miss something so much that was never meant to be?
Not a day goes by that I don't think about what could have been.
What should have been.
I had a dream about her while I was pregnant with her. We were having a picnic in the yard, with a blanket spread out under us and with my dogs on either side. She had beautiful wavy, dark brown hair and the most beautiful big blue eyes, just like her daddy's.
My heart aches for you. How can I miss something so much that was never meant to be?
Not a day goes by that I don't think about what could have been.
What should have been.
Monday, May 17, 2010
S.ATC Question
For those of you who are fans, I'm sure I don't have to tell you about the sequel coming up. I loved the show much more than the film, but was still excited about the new movie.
Until I saw the commercial last night.
Carrie said that she and Big were somewhere between sex and a baby and was talking about how the relationship lost its spark.
Does anyone know...does this mean that a major part of the storyline will be her trying to have a child? I don't know if I'm going to see it if that's the case.
I also read that Chris Daugh.try (who I LOVE) and his wife are expecting twins via IVF and a gestational surrogate. I always am so happy to hear when people are willing to share things like this. It makes IF and all that it involves a little less taboo of a subject.
Until I saw the commercial last night.
Carrie said that she and Big were somewhere between sex and a baby and was talking about how the relationship lost its spark.
Does anyone know...does this mean that a major part of the storyline will be her trying to have a child? I don't know if I'm going to see it if that's the case.
I also read that Chris Daugh.try (who I LOVE) and his wife are expecting twins via IVF and a gestational surrogate. I always am so happy to hear when people are willing to share things like this. It makes IF and all that it involves a little less taboo of a subject.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
When Was the Last Time Your Body Felt "Normal"?
This question hit me yesterday like a ton of bricks. I keep saying to Mr SC that all I want to feel is "normal" again. That extends to my body, too.
I tried to think back to a time when I wasn't recovering from surgery, or recovering from miscarriage (or pregnant, even for a short time, for that matter), or taking hormones, or injections, or whatever.
My answer? February of 2009. There were two weeks in August of 2009 when I can say the same, but since I was dealing with scar tissue (which I didn't know about at the time, and the symptoms it presents), I'm not sure if that counts. I was bloated and was bleeding on and off oddly, but I didn't know why.
Since February of 2009, I've gained 15ish pounds (which I really didn't need) and have pretty much forced my body to surrender to my mental state (meaning frustration, depression, anxiety, etc.).
I know it's going to take a long time and I know it's going to take a ton of work. I also know I'm going to have bad days (yesterday I had a freakout) but I want to get back to myself physically. I'm still dealing with recovering physically from the miscarriage and I still have hcg in me, but I want to remember what my body felt like before it got all fucked up.
I can't be alone in feeling this way, which is why I posted it. I can talk to hubs but he doesn't really understand. He's never had to deal with this physical stuff. So, I'm talking the talk...let's see if I can walk the walk.
Remind me of this when my due date from my third loss comes up on Thursday (5/20), ok?
The weather here this weekend has been beautiful. I'm going to get back outside and enjoy it (after I enjoy my coffee).
I tried to think back to a time when I wasn't recovering from surgery, or recovering from miscarriage (or pregnant, even for a short time, for that matter), or taking hormones, or injections, or whatever.
My answer? February of 2009. There were two weeks in August of 2009 when I can say the same, but since I was dealing with scar tissue (which I didn't know about at the time, and the symptoms it presents), I'm not sure if that counts. I was bloated and was bleeding on and off oddly, but I didn't know why.
Since February of 2009, I've gained 15ish pounds (which I really didn't need) and have pretty much forced my body to surrender to my mental state (meaning frustration, depression, anxiety, etc.).
I know it's going to take a long time and I know it's going to take a ton of work. I also know I'm going to have bad days (yesterday I had a freakout) but I want to get back to myself physically. I'm still dealing with recovering physically from the miscarriage and I still have hcg in me, but I want to remember what my body felt like before it got all fucked up.
I can't be alone in feeling this way, which is why I posted it. I can talk to hubs but he doesn't really understand. He's never had to deal with this physical stuff. So, I'm talking the talk...let's see if I can walk the walk.
Remind me of this when my due date from my third loss comes up on Thursday (5/20), ok?
The weather here this weekend has been beautiful. I'm going to get back outside and enjoy it (after I enjoy my coffee).
Friday, May 14, 2010
Moving Forward
So I'm 5dpm/c (that made me chuckle a little...perhaps an indicator that's something's wrong with me) and I'm feeling better. I'm still crampy and stuff, but it's getting better. Mr SC and I went out to eat last night and then came home and planted a new tree and flowers in our yard. I stopped into school today to get a massive pile of papers to grade and I'm set to return on Monday.
Finally, I have a bit of a direction. My good friend, Katie, had suggested I get in touch with someone she knows who had gotten to the bottom of her 18 miscarriages through the She.r Institute, to see if she could offer any insight. When I looked into their locations, I soon discovered that there is an office about two and a half hours from me. The chief RE there did a fellowship specifically dealing with RPL. I mustered up the courage and called.
My last day of school is 6/11/10. I have four trips scheduled and am looking forward to our break (although I knew I'd use the summer to try to investigate what's going on).
My jaw nearly dropped on the floor when I got an appointment on Tuesday, June 15th!
The woman that I spoke to was very nice and offered a phone consultation, due to the distance we would be driving. Mr SC and I agreed though that we wanted to go and meet with the doctor in person.
So that's that.
Finally, I have a bit of a direction. My good friend, Katie, had suggested I get in touch with someone she knows who had gotten to the bottom of her 18 miscarriages through the She.r Institute, to see if she could offer any insight. When I looked into their locations, I soon discovered that there is an office about two and a half hours from me. The chief RE there did a fellowship specifically dealing with RPL. I mustered up the courage and called.
My last day of school is 6/11/10. I have four trips scheduled and am looking forward to our break (although I knew I'd use the summer to try to investigate what's going on).
My jaw nearly dropped on the floor when I got an appointment on Tuesday, June 15th!
The woman that I spoke to was very nice and offered a phone consultation, due to the distance we would be driving. Mr SC and I agreed though that we wanted to go and meet with the doctor in person.
So that's that.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
A Relief
I had my follow-up this morning with the RE. The cytot.ec worked (in fact, he was very pleased with how quickly and how well it worked). I have a follow-up with my regular RE on 6/22.
Not to get into that much detail, but yesterday things started happening an hour and a half after it was administered. And by "things", I mean significant things. Most of it was over in two hours. The severe cramping didn't come until later and lasted into the night (which was hell and required a double dose of my prescription paid medication) but is over now.
I'm sad but I'm relieved. I'm just glad it's over. I'm taking the rest of the week off from school and I'll head back on Monday, 5/17.
Thanks to everyone for your support and thanks to everyone who helped with information/answered my questions. It made the hell a little easier.
What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, right?
Not to get into that much detail, but yesterday things started happening an hour and a half after it was administered. And by "things", I mean significant things. Most of it was over in two hours. The severe cramping didn't come until later and lasted into the night (which was hell and required a double dose of my prescription paid medication) but is over now.
I'm sad but I'm relieved. I'm just glad it's over. I'm taking the rest of the week off from school and I'll head back on Monday, 5/17.
Thanks to everyone for your support and thanks to everyone who helped with information/answered my questions. It made the hell a little easier.
What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, right?
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Update
I thought with everything that's been going on, I should bring everyone up to speed about things.
Tomorrow I am heading into my RE in the morning for her to administer the Cytote.c. I'll be 10w6d tomorrow and still nothing. I know some of you commented on a previous post of mine that I should try to see that as a good thing, that my body is trying desperately to hold on to a pregnancy. Somehow though, I can't see it that way. I can't have a D&E (unless the Cytote.c doesn't work) because of my scar tissue (otherwise, I would have had one a week and a half ago).
Anyway, I'm just hoping that it works. Apparently it doesn't in about 15-20% of the women who take it (and we all know how I generally fall in the statistics department).
I was also proud of myself today. This is my FB status:
Happy Mother's Day to everyone who is missing their mom today, every woman who yearns to be a mother and those women who are mothers to angels in heaven.
Tomorrow I am heading into my RE in the morning for her to administer the Cytote.c. I'll be 10w6d tomorrow and still nothing. I know some of you commented on a previous post of mine that I should try to see that as a good thing, that my body is trying desperately to hold on to a pregnancy. Somehow though, I can't see it that way. I can't have a D&E (unless the Cytote.c doesn't work) because of my scar tissue (otherwise, I would have had one a week and a half ago).
Anyway, I'm just hoping that it works. Apparently it doesn't in about 15-20% of the women who take it (and we all know how I generally fall in the statistics department).
I was also proud of myself today. This is my FB status:
Happy Mother's Day to everyone who is missing their mom today, every woman who yearns to be a mother and those women who are mothers to angels in heaven.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
The Pity Party's Over
I'm struggling with things (for obvious reasons) but I feel like all my posts are all "woe is me". Frankly, I'm tired of feeling this way. Life isn't fair. Often, it downright sucks. However, I'm tired of wallowing in self-pity. So this is it. I'm going to do my best to be more positive and hold myself up, even when I don't feel like it.
I'm not sure how much of this is me having an epiphany or how much of it is me being numb to all of this. I hope that my way of coping isn't just to turn it all off, but only time will tell.
I have one last thing to share and then I'm officially packing up all the balloons for the party.
I remember last year at this time so vividly. Last year on Mother's Day, I was pregnant. I was just six weeks, but I was still pregnant. Ironic that I'm now pregnant again with another non-viable pregnancy, but I digress. I had gone shopping and came home to two beautiful lilies on my front porch. When I asked DH what they were for, he told me that he got them for me for Mother's Day. I still haven't decided if I'm going to keep them or not. I planted them and they keep growing in my garden, much unlike the little bean that stopped growing inside me weeks ago.
Last year, one of my very dear friends had just found out she was pregnant. I'm not sure if she even remembers this or not. She said to me that this was the best Mother's Day ever. My reply? No, I think that next year will be the best ever. If I only knew the heartbreak that was in store for me.
I'm not sure how much of this is me having an epiphany or how much of it is me being numb to all of this. I hope that my way of coping isn't just to turn it all off, but only time will tell.
I have one last thing to share and then I'm officially packing up all the balloons for the party.
I remember last year at this time so vividly. Last year on Mother's Day, I was pregnant. I was just six weeks, but I was still pregnant. Ironic that I'm now pregnant again with another non-viable pregnancy, but I digress. I had gone shopping and came home to two beautiful lilies on my front porch. When I asked DH what they were for, he told me that he got them for me for Mother's Day. I still haven't decided if I'm going to keep them or not. I planted them and they keep growing in my garden, much unlike the little bean that stopped growing inside me weeks ago.
Last year, one of my very dear friends had just found out she was pregnant. I'm not sure if she even remembers this or not. She said to me that this was the best Mother's Day ever. My reply? No, I think that next year will be the best ever. If I only knew the heartbreak that was in store for me.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Nothing's Happening
Absolutely nothing.
I'm 10w1d today and my body still hasn't recognized that this pregnancy isn't viable. I am still holding out hope that I don't have to take the cytot.ec, but only time will tell.
This waiting is absolutely horrible. As if miscarriage isn't bad enough. I'm still at home, because all my plans for school are taken care of and because I'm scared shitless of going back, only to start miscarrying and having to leave abruptly. It's difficult for me to function and carry on as if I'm some sort of normal person, when I feel anything but.
Bottom line? My body can't even miscarry right.
I'm 10w1d today and my body still hasn't recognized that this pregnancy isn't viable. I am still holding out hope that I don't have to take the cytot.ec, but only time will tell.
This waiting is absolutely horrible. As if miscarriage isn't bad enough. I'm still at home, because all my plans for school are taken care of and because I'm scared shitless of going back, only to start miscarrying and having to leave abruptly. It's difficult for me to function and carry on as if I'm some sort of normal person, when I feel anything but.
Bottom line? My body can't even miscarry right.
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