Phew!

Thanks everyone for all of your support. I can't tell you how much better your words made me feel. I was so worried last night and during the night.

At this point, it seems to have been all for nothing. I cleared hurdle #2. Doubling time is 55 hours (48-72 hours at this point is normal). My next draw is on Friday.

Sometime during the week I'll be writing a post that has nothing to do with my obsessing over things!

Scared

Tomorrow morning is my second beta.

I've been doing a good job, for the most part, this weekend. Really, I have. I am just concerned because I don't feel the same way I did with my previous pregnancies (yes, I know, they ended in losses...so why am I comparing?) This has been the same though since before I got my BFP.

Anyway, I caved and POAS...my last FRER. It was this afternoon after I had been guzzling water all day. The second line popped up right away and is dark. It's much darker than it had been a week ago and it's almost as dark as the control line, but it isn't yet. I'm just so scared. I just want to come home tomorrow and curl up in a ball and wait for the results.

Mr SC keeps asking me what's wrong. I know I don't seem like myself, but I feel like I'm letting him down...POAS and being like this.

Today

Today is the one year anniversary of my first miscarriage. Although I knew it was coming, it didn't make it any easier. I was in the waiting room while Mr SC was having surgery when I discovered it had begun.

That first loss took so much from me but most notably, it took the innonence of TTC and the happiness that came with a BFP. We all know the statistics, but never think it will happen to us. I learned my lesson that day.

The Problem With Being An Overachiever

is that it transcends all parts of your life, including your betas.

I'm 15DPO and my betas from this morning were 85. I *know* that the average for 15DPO is 59 and the range is 17-147, but still.

My RE sounded pleased and my progesterone is good. Next round is Monday afternoon.

How I'm Doing.

This is my fourth pregnancy. The most my little ones grew with any of my losses was 6w3d. My last pregnancy, in particular, ate me alive. It was a hellish roller coaster right from the start, where every hour of every day felt like an eternity.
Here I am, somehow lucky enough to get pg our first cycle trying again. This baffles me, since it took 8 cycles to get our first BFP. I realize I'm very fortunate in that regard.

I've had jury duty since Monday and haven't been picked. I'm pretty much in the holding tank all day. Plenty of time to let my mind wander (or read two full books, but who's counting?)

I'm doing well. I've not allowed myself to entertain what ifs. I've ended both nights with an "I made it.". I know I've only know for two days, but that's a big step for me. I just have to keep telling myself it's out of my hands and worrying isn't going to change that.
I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my RE to talk about injections and to get my betas checked. I'm excited.

Most importantly, I haven't looked ahead on the calendar. I don't know the date my first trimester ends of when the halfway point is. All I know is that December 1st is the day I hope I finally get to hold my baby in my arms. Other than that, an hour at a time.

OH. MY. GOD!

If you're stopping by from ICLW, this is blog is a bit different than the descriptors that I listed. I wanted to warn you before reading any further.

That's right, my bloggy friends...

I got my BFP! I can't freaking believe it.

Please, please, please, please keep everything crossed for me that I have a super, sticky bean in there!!

Are You Freaking Kidding Me?

Nope. No, no joke here.

After being knocked on my ass by the flu (sorry if you're new here from ICLW...I'm a potty mouth), I thought oh, I should POAS. So I did.

The darn thing didn't work.

Yes, that's right. Ever drop of that FMU was just wasted. Sigh.

Welcome, ICLWers!

I really look forward to ICLW every month. It's such a great way to find great blogs and connect with others who can "get it". Thanks for stopping by!

All that standard stuff about me and TTC is over there on the right. I thought I'd add a few additional random details about me. Right now, I'm at the end of the 1WW. I thought maybe I was pregnant (damn early testing!) but now I have the flu. WOW did it knock me for a loop. I drank half a ginger ale today and that's it. I haven't been sick in several hours but I literally can't move. Mr SC (how I refer to my husband) joked that he could tell that I was sick because I wasn't on the computer all day! I think my temperature of 101 is finally on it's way down also.

Anyway...
1. I love springtime and my garden. I can't wait until it's warm enough to plant flowers. The sight of my daffodils and tulips coming up makes me smile.
2. My favorite color is green, even though I'm a die-hard PSU football fan.
3. Other than the ups and downs of this TTC stuff, I'm a fairly happy gal. It's been a rough road dealing with my three losses last year, but I'm getting there.
4. Mr SC and I will be celebrating our two year anniversary in June. We're planning a long weekend to Washington, D.C. We live in Pennsylvania and I'm a history teacher, so I've been there many times before. However, I've been there either as a student myself or as a teacher. Mr SC's interest in history now that he's met me has meant a great deal to me!

Happy ICLW!

No News to Report

but I figured since I dragged all of you into this I should at least tell you that.

My test again is super, super, super faint. I'd take a picture but I'm sure it won't even show up. I know our mantra: "a line is a line." Frankly though, I'm not even convinced that it is a line.

I know how we all agonize over the 1ww, but one of my friends is going through a wait that's truly much worse. If you don't already read her blog, stop over and check out Katie's blog at from if to when. She had surgery yesterday and is waiting for results of testing, which she will get on Thursday and she could use some support. What she's going through reminded me that there are some things more important than the 1WW.

If I have any news, I'll keep you posted.

Take Four?

I hate what the 1WW does to your mind.

Today I'm either 9DPO or 10DPO. I took at OPK two days ago and saw not one hint of a second line. Today there was a nice pink second line. I gradually get darker as I get set to O and if any of you do, it's about the color line one sees about three days before they get their positive. I know this isn't scientific, but hey, I did it twice before and I got +OPKs and then got +HPTs the same day.

Hmmmm...

Mr SC went and bought a digital. I forgot that men can't rattle off HPT sensitivities like most of us can. Anyway, it was one that detected 5o. Not pregnant. Ok, fine.

He went back and got a FRER.

I just peed in a cup. Sort of. I was going to wait until morning (the sacred FMU) so I literally had to tilt the cup to have enough to use. I swear if I hold this damn thing up to the light enough and tilt it sideways (no hopping on one foot necessary) that you can see a faint pink second line. The faintest pink light. Mr SC told me I was crazy. Then I took him to the light (haha) and asked him to tilt it. Oh yeah, there it is.

I know it could be an evap line. I know it's early. I get all that. I just am so amazed that I'm doing this to myself. GRRR.

Needless to say, I'll POAS in the am.

What If?

How much of your life do you live around the question...

What if I am pregnant?

I don't mean this in the traditional TTC sense. Not the 2WW or 1WW increments. Not all those lovely AF symptoms that you analyze in the hopes that they're just a little different this time.

What I mean is planning your life.

Mr SC and I are planning a long weekend to Washington, D.C. for our anniversary this summer. We got talking though last night about going to the beach (Mexico, maybe?) this summer instead for our anniversary. And then it started.

The back and forth. What if I'm pregnant? What if I'm super early pregnant? What if I'm pregnant and something happens? What if I'm not pregnant and we need the money to go the IUI route?

I know the "what if" game is killer. I try my best not to play it. I think this is different though. After three losses, I know that I'm going to be scared to do anything out of the ordinary. No jet skis or anything like that.

So...if we would opt to not take this trip, are we slaves to TTC? Or, is there nothing one can really do about that?

Just curious. Have a great weekend, everyone.

A Decision

About a week ago, I had asked for some advice/your thoughts about taking a leave of absence from work. I really appreciated each and every one of your comments. You gave me a great deal to think about.

I decided against it.

Why? Well, mainly because I don't want to let IF/RPL control my life. Also, I'm not sure how staying home would help me. It would just keep me from dealing with situations that I'd have to deal with in a few months anyway.

What have I decided to do?

A few things. First, I have an appointment with a new doctor this Thursday. I'm going to talk to her about not sleeping, anxiety, my Lexap.ro dose, etc.

Mainly though, I've decided that each week, I'm going to do something for me. Just me. Maybe Mr SC will be involved, maybe not. That's not the point. The point is, I'm going to do things for myself. I'm going to keep the list on my blog of things I'll be doing. This week's is going to the doctor, which I've been putting off for a very, very long time for fear of being perceived as a prescription meds junkie.

Next week I'm finally looking into a new yoga place.

Small steps, I know. They're very big steps for me.

Oh yeah. I'm 7DPO. What I'm feeling either means that AF is on her way OR that I got lucky again this cycle. LOL. That's always how it goes.

What Do I Need?

My therapist sure did earn her money on Monday! I had an appointment already scheduled, which was fitting (that was the day I wrote my "Why" post).

I completely and absolutely lost it. I let everything out like I never did before. The good, the bad and the ugly. In between sobs, I was able to communicate just what was going on with me.

Her suggestion? That I take a leave of absence from school for the rest of the year.

Why? One of the hardest things for me is having those three girls in class who have babies. I'm also having a really tough time being around my non-friend, who talks about being pregnant incessantly (imagine her yelling about her "glow" down the hall before school starts) All I keep wondering is...is that how I would look?

I'm not sure what I want to do. We don't have disability at school although I could easily take the leave. However, because Mr SC was laid off for a year and went back to work making $4 less an hour, it would pretty much mean that we would only have enough money to pay our bills through the end of August (when I'd go back to school). I just keep thinking...what if I need fertility treatments and I need the money? Do I want the stress of having less money? I just don't have the answers.

But, for right now, I'm ok. I just don't know if this is the solution. I also feel like a failure and like doing this would make me seem like I've lost my mind.

A Million Thank Yous...

I don't know what I would do without all of you. You just get it, you really do. I was at a pretty low point when I wrote my last post. Your words of encouragement and support meant so much to me and helped me so much. I know none of us have the magic baby dust for each other, but knowing that I'm not alone makes me feel like I'm winning half the battle.

I Oed yesterday so I'm officially in the 2WW. We shall see.

Giant hugs to all of you!

Why?

Why can everyone else seem to get pregnant except me?

Why can everyone else seem to stay pregnant but me?

Why do people who never wanted children get pregnant...oops! You never wanted kids. Why in the HELL wouldn't you use protection?

Why can people procreate who can't even take care of themselves?

Why can people have "oops" pregnancies all the time but those of us who so desperately want to get pregnant, can't?

Why can't I keep it together? Shouldn't this be getting easier and not harder?

Why do I torture myself with trying to understand things, when clearly there is no explanation.

Why do I even bother getting out of bed in the morning? What the fuck is the point? To just endure the agony, over and over again?

Why Do Women Lose Themselves?

This has always been something that has baffled me, well before any of this IF stuff of the past almost two years.

Why is it that when a woman gets married, she becomes husband's wife. Then, when she has children, she becomes child's mommy. What happens to the woman that was there all these years before? Why do some women almost cease to exist as they get older?

Last night I was at a dinner. I'll spare you the details of the who/what/why. It was with a group though of wives/husbands that I don't know very well. I was dreading the evening (you know, for fear of all those questions). Immediately, the host says, "why don't the men sit at this end and the women can sit at that end?" Um, I went somewhere with my husband. Why are we segregated? But, whatever. I ended up sitting next to Mr SC anyway.

And so it began.

All of the mommy talk. And all of the tricks of the trade how to remove stains from clothing talk. And then I got to hear about how two of the four other women had "oops" babies and I got to all those stories. Freaking wonderful. I grabbed Mr SC's leg so hard once, he jumped.

That's all these women talked about. Their children and their laundry strategies. Is that all you are?

The men? They were talking about sports, beer, grilling, hunting and after a few drinks, a bit about sex. I was much, much more comfortable with that conversation that the other one (well, besides the hunting). This is one reason why I hate to get together with other couples or even other women for that matter. Don't they have hobbies? Or lives?

Even if I am fortunate enough to be a mother one day, Kelly won't cease to exist. I do realize I will have less time to myself, but hey, I will still have hobbies and interests all of my own. Thank god that most of my female friends (that I have selected, not wives-of) either don't have children or still have a brain.

Thankfully the rest of the weekend was nice.

Something Really Nice Someone Did Today

I can't believe I get to post about this...it's not me whining about AF and it's not me talking about my anxiety about all things TTC. It's about someone who "got it" today. Someone who hasn't gone through IF and was thoughtful and caring and it really touched me.

One thing that has become increasingly difficult for me has been going out in public in non-controlled situations (ex: not knowing who will be there, if they "know", etc)or fear that I will break down, as has happened on more than one occasion. So yesterday I had signed up to be on a committee at school. I was somewhat reluctant (for the reasons I listed above) but went.

The conversation started because my friend, M, said, "oh X and X would be here but they're due any moment so they can't." Ok, fine. Well, this turned into a whole conversation about how the males there had vasectomies, how so many women are pregnant in the district (I think the phrase "everybody is pregnant") was used, blah blah blah. It ended up in everyone at the table saying, "oh, not me" or whatever. I just sat there, wanting the ground to swallow me once again. I was proud of myself though. As much as it hurt, I didn't break down. I just sat there, quiet. I left early, but I was so glad I didn't cry. I tried to think about my friend, M. She's single and in her mid 40's and I wondered, as everyone else yammered on about "shooting blanks" or whatever, if she wanted to be a mother but "missed" her chance and how this was making her feel.

This morning, M found me. Why? She wanted to apologize to me for bringing up the pregnant women and the whole conversation that followed. She felt so badly and she could only imagine how I must have felt and she was so, so sorry. This was the same friend who was there when the student before asked me if she could go get her breast pump, causing me to break down.

Even after I reassured her it was ok, she still kept saying how badly she felt. I then explained a little about how going out was tough for me sometimes but I wanted to be on the committee, etc. etc. I just can't believe she thought about me and actually apologized. She didn't pretend that it didn't happen and tried to offer me some comfort, even though she had nothing to be sorry for.

So maybe, just maybe, the next time some idiot makes some stupid comment, I'll remember M and how kind she was to me today.

Blah

I'm here. Not being the best blogger lately with commenting (or posting).

So I guess I'm supposed to be excited to be back in the swing of things. I'm not. I can't even think about it. When I do, I get overwhelmed with a gazillion thoughts/fears, so of which are perefectly rational and some, well, not so much. Like:
-I don't really want to "try" this cycle. I don't want to get pregnant again and deal with all of this like I did last year at this time and miscarry, yet again, during the school year.
-I know we really can't "wait" any longer, so I know the first thought isn't realistic. I turn 35.5 this month.
-What if, after all this, now we can't get pregnant, let alone carry a baby to term?

I believe I'm on CD9 and I O anywhere from CD15-20.

Since I've been blogging, I've been on a "break", so my bloggy friends don't really know anything about me or my cycles. The thing I realized that freaks me out the most?

I haven't had a 2WW and a BFN (when we were trying) since last January (as in 2009). Three cycles results in BFPs (and losses) and five cycles we were on a break. I'm not looking forward to the fears of the 2WW. I really want to kick my ass in gear and get to my regular doctor, for my lack of sleeping and for anxiety. I don't want to rely on pills though to keep me sane. It was tough enough for me to admit (and take) anti-depressants.

There's the nagging idea too about this summer. I have a great travel opportunity for school to attend a week long summer institute. I can't decide where to go. Why? The "what if". What if I'm pregnant. What if something happens. What if I get five hours away, by myself, and I'm pregnant and my TP inspection reveals spotting and Mr SC isn't there.

I just hate this roller coaster ride and I'm not even on the damn ride yet. I just keep getting in line. UGH.