Fessing Up

Two posts in one day again. I needed to "talk" about this with people who would get it. I don't want to burden Mr SC right now. He's doing well but in pain from his surgery. I want to be there for him and not give him even more emotional crap from me.

I don't have very many friends. I have many acquaintances but only a few close friends. Those close friends that I do have don't live anywhere near me, which makes it tough. Perhaps it's the only child in me that this never really has bothered me. I'm a loner, for the most part. Plus, until I met Mr SC, I was relatively guarded in life for fear of being hurt.

Anyway, one of my closest friends lives in Austin, TX. We've been friends since we graduated from college and were roommates for a couple of years. We've lost touch over time, just because our lives are busy and crazy. I know though that she's there if I need her.

Over the last six months or so, I've been pretty much out of touch with any of the friends I do have. I don't call them back or don't follow through with potential get-togethers. Why? Well, it's tough. I so dread the "how are you?" or "what's new" questions. I'm a horrible faker and I just was afraid to get into it. I don't want my friends to remember me or think of me with pity.

My friend from Austin has called me several times and I've never called back. I emailed her tonight and spilled my beans. She didn't know about the third miscarriage, the surgeries, the diagnosis, the depression. She does now. She was so reassuring...offered me a place to stay to get away and visit and asked all sorts of good questions. She brought up things like a surrogate and other things, but then said she hoped that she didn't' offend me. She just didn't know what to say and wanted to try to fix it but didn't know how. She then said that she hopes that everything works out because I will be an amazing mother.

So here I am in tears. I hate not wanting to talk to Mr SC. I hate letting myself acknowledge that fear that I'm never going to be a mother. And I miss my friend. I just want to see her and forget all the bullshit and just have fun the way we used to.

Thanks, Jin!

Jin (The Truth is Out There) nominated me for the Beautiful Blogger award. Stop by and check out her blog if you haven't already. Thanks so much, Jin! So, here's what I need to do:

• Thank the person who nominated me and copy the award in my blog
• Link the person who nominated me for this award
• Share seven interesting things about myself
• Nominate seven fellow bloggers and add the links to their blogs

Hmm...what can I say about myself that's interesting. I don't know how "interesting" this is but here it goes:

1. I'm a huge Penn State fan and have my classroom decorated accordingly, right down to the blue and white M&Ms. I was featured in the Harrisburg, PA newspaper a couple of years back in a section devoted to crazed fans. They interviewed me and came to my classroom and took pics.

2. My dog, Nittany, is a Dock Dog. She placed first this summer in a national competition in her division. It's a ton of fun and Mr SC and I have met some great people doing it.

3. I lost my last baby tooth when I was 15.

4. I hate when traffic lights are different shades of the same color.

5. I collect globes. This makes me sound like a dork, I know. I enjoy going antiquing and finding them (and also trying to figure out the time period they're from, based on the countries) Ahh, the history teacher in me.

6. I love chocolate. Other than eating it (which I try not to do), I have chocolate candles, chocolate body wash, chocolate body scrub and several different kinds of chocolate lip gloss.

7. I drive fast. Way too fast. I'm pretty darn lucky I've only ever had one speeding ticket.

And my nominees are... (drum roll, please!)

• Mai @ Salvageable
• Noelle @ The Desire of My Heart
• Marla @ Marla'z Austin Journey
• Jo @ MoJo Working
• Elizabeth @ Where the Wright Day Takes You
• Em @ Bean Stalk Ballads
• Michelle @ IF Crossroads

I'm still here and am offering an apology

I was such a bad ICLWer this time around. I'm so sorry. :( I promise to do better next time and I'm going to try to get caught up in a few minutes.

Thanks for understanding that I wasn't meaning to be whiny about good ol' AF. It was fun to write the "letter" to her. It looks like she's on her way out of town, thank goodness!

Things have been a bit hectic. It's the end of the semester and there were exams to grade, in addition to getting quarter grades finished. That took up a bit of time. Plus, Mr SC has his surgery tomorrow, so I'm trying to get things taken care of for him.

I actually planned on having such a fun night last night..Y&R on Soap.net, America.n Idol and getting caught up on blogs. Then, poof! No electricity. From 7pm-2am. YIKES!!!! There went that idea.

I decided to take the day off tomorrow and take Mr SC for his surgery. I appreciated all of your valid points when I asked WWYD and was very close to letting my stepfather take him. Then I realized that if something happened to him, I'd never forgive myself. So, off I am. Saturday I'm taking him to an all-day wrestling tournament (he coaches) so that he can do what he can for the kids. I think he's nuts, but he's a big boy. Sunday my parents are coming for the day. It looks like it will be a good weekend.

The best part? This may be TMI for some of you...but after three weeks, we can have sex tonight! Bow chicka wow wow! :)

A Letter

Warning: If you don't like profanity, stop reading now.

Dear AF,

You are a dirty, nasty, vile FUCKING BITCH. As if your presence isn't bad enough, you have to completely be KICKING MY ASS this month.

Thanks a whole hell of a lot.

Much hate,
Kelly

Disclaimer: I am not one to whine about AF. I was warned by my RE that it would be "nasty" this cycle. Yep, she was right. I have tried to take a multitude of different pills at different times, to no avail.

My, How Things Have Changed!

First, a huge congratulations to the Indianapolis Co.lts for making the Superbow.l! Their last Superbowl appearance was when they won it, three years ago.

February of 2007... Wow, my life sure has changed.

This post is hard for me to write. It's not TTC related at all and it's something I don't talk about very often. Mr SC and I don't talk about our pasts. We just don't. I know that many things in my past have helped shape me into who I am today, yet I really feel like I never really was truly happy until I met Mr SC. He feels the same. So, we focus on the now and our dreams for the future.

When the Colts won the Superbowl the last time, I hadn't even met Mr SC yet. I was smack dab in the middle of one of the most painful experiences of my life.

I relocated three years ago. I left my family (primarily my mother, who is my best friend) and friends behind and took a job in a new city. It was tough to get a job and it took me two years to do it. I hated my old school district and was searching for a position in a new location. I was about a month into my new job in February, 2007. I had also just had my heart ripped to shreds.

When I relocated, I was with someone else. He lived about a half an hour from my new school, which was two hours away from my hometown. We had been together for several years, but mainly in a long distance relationship. I thought I was happy but looking back, I realize it wasn't as fulfilling as a relationship as I thought it was. Anyway, my ex and I talked a great deal about whether or not we wanted to live together. I was stuck on the fact that I didn't want to feel like I was moving for him...I was moving and found the new job for myself. In the end, we decided to live together. We went apartment hunting (he had pushed to buy a house together, but I was hesitant since we weren't married) and he moved out of his smaller place into our bigger one. We went furniture shopping together to add to the nice new things he had. So when I moved, I gave up every possession. My stuff was old and hand-me-downs, so why not? I donated it all and felt pretty good about it.

Right away, things didn't seem right. I wasn't sure why. This should be the happiest time of our lives but it wasn't. It was more like we were roommates and it was strange. Looking back, I can see all the signs so clearly. But then, I couldn't believe it. I confided in a friend my fears and she told me I was insane...I had just moved there. Why would I move there if this were true? And then, to my horror, I found out it was.

I got home from work early one day and found an e-card from another woman. I came to learn that he had been cheating on me for six months. The kicker? We shared the same name and the same profession. She lived a MILE from where I had just moved from, in my home town.

For about a week, I begged him to try to work it out. We had been together for years. I just changed jobs. I had nothing. For a week, he said he would. These words do not even convey the pain that I went through. I couldn't believe someone would do that to me. He pushed for us to move in together. WHY? After I week, I came to my senses and kicked him out. He gave me money to buy new furniture (heck, it was the least he could do) and I began trying to rebuild my life, again. He stayed with a friend and I found a new apartment for my dog (Lewie) and me after about three weeks. People I barely knew helped me move and I started over, again.

The night that I moved is the night I met Mr SC.

I had known "of" him already. I teach with his SIL and had heard he speaking about him at lunch. I remember thinking that it was a shame I had a boyfriend because this guy sounded amazing. LOL. Against my better judgement, I left Lewie in the strange new apartment and went out with Mr SC, future SIL & BIL and another couple to a comedy club. It was the most I had laughed in years. Mr SC was interested right away but knew my situation and didn't push or anything (heck it took him a month after we started dating to kiss me!). It took me about a month before I gave SIL my number to give to him. I gave it to her on a Wednesday. I remember thinking that I wasn't sure if I was ready but that it would take a few days for him to call, I had plans the following weekend...that would give me two weeks. Nope. He called me the same night. I've talked to him every night since.

I have found my soul mate and my best friend. Mr SC is my rock and my life. I can't imagine my life without him in it. Although our losses have been hell, I know that I can get through anything with him by my side, holding my hand.

It Really Wasn't That Long After All...

I'm trying really hard to remain positive. Unfortunately, for the most part, this simply involves denial. Maybe not actually denial but shoving thoughts out of my brain. Entirely and completely. I'm human, so sometimes I get too overwhelmed and out they come. That's what leads me here.

I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying not to think about having to take another two cycles off (a total of five months since our last loss) and although I think I'm better, even thinking about TTC and the RE giving us the green light (which didn't happen, but anyway) sent me into a tailspin. I'm trying not to think about 2010 will be another year that we won't be having a baby. Or the fact that I'm afraid I have more scar tissue growing inside me. Or the whole infection fiasco. Or our three losses.

But today it hit me. The thing I remember most about my pregnancies? Well, the two after my first miscarriage... How every single minute of every single day felt like an absolute eternity. How every trip to the bathroom made me upset, wondering if this would be when I found out I would be losing the baby. How sex with Mr SC became robotic, because I was afraid I'd start spotting. How every time I woke up in the middle of the night (which happened 4-5 times a night) I would think I so many hours closer to being another day pregnant. All I wanted to do is hit that magical 2nd trimester. That's a milestone I never came close to making. Life did go on, even though at the time, I felt frozen.

I can't imagine going through all that again. I guess it's good I have another two months to think (or not think) about it.

EEEOWW!! And Puke!

I posted a little while ago about my lazy weekend, courtesy of experiencing pain when clothed. Turns out I have something so much better to say.

First...those of you on FB have to have seen this...women are wonderful, please copy and paste this. Nice message at the end...don't give us shit. Ha. But if I read one more time, "give her sperm she will make a baby" I'm going to hit the roof!! PUKE. BARF. Whatever word you use for vomit insert it here.

Speaking of hitting the roof...

So I've been a trooper with my Tin.actin. SC even brought the can to school when he brought my change of clothes today. That made me crack up laughing. Anyway, that shit BURNS. HOLY HELL DOES IT BURN! It feels like cinnaburst gum (which I hate) on your lady parts. Or, like I've been wiping my cooch with sandpaper and then pouring salt on it. It goes away after about 10 minutes, but still. EEOWW!! So, SC looks at the can and then sprays it on his hand. His hand starts to sting and he says, I'm going to the drug store. You aren't spraying this down there anymore. There's alcohol in it!! See, RE told me powder but I couldn't find it, so I bought powder in a can. SC explains something about there being alcohol in it to thin it out to come out of the nozzle... Gee thank you, Mr Scientist.

All I can hear is blah, blah, blah...my cooch is on FIRE!!

An Update and Welcome!

**Edited**
Welcome, ICLWers! Even though dealing with IF sucks, it sure does help knowing there's a support system out there like this one. What amazing women. Why don't men get in on this too? Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting to know some of you a little better this week!

I just got home from my doctor appointment. Here's the news:
1. Balloon is deflated!!! YAY!! I still hurt but I don't have a darn plastic tail dangling from my uterus anymore!
2. I'm taking estradio.l to help thicken my lining in an attempt to prevent the scar tissue from coming back. My RE wants me on it longer. Thing is, I may get AF in the next few days (she's not sure because of the estradio.l). So, I don't have a TTC plan in place, yet.
3. She wants to do another office hysteroscopy to check things out after I've been on the estradio.l for a month. So, after that visit we'll have the green light. Meaning we may be taking off for at least another cycle, if not two.
4. When I get my BFP, I'm to start taking Loven.ox immediately.
5. She said I should still be taking my Lexapr.o when we do start trying again

I have many more questions, but we're not back on the TTC wagon yet. For right now, all of the above is just fine.

Oh...TMI alert. I've been having downstairs external issues because of the tail. I was to the point last night where it felt like my crotch was on fire and I slathered diaper cream on it. Wonderful. My RE said that I had a type of yeast infection, externally. Guess what I have to do to clear it up?
1. Use Tinact.in powder on it. Yes, that's right. The shit for athlete's foot is being sprinkled on my cooch.
2. Be sure to dry my cooch with a HAIR DRYER when I'm finished showering. My RE proceded to gesture this by saying you know, sit on the toilet, lift your leg and, well, imagine the image of a hair dryer. I hope you're laughing. I know I am!

**Check out a much, much funnier story about the hair dryer and Tinacti.n business, all while dealing with it at 24 weeks pregnant! It's on Murgdan's blog.

So, that's that. Thanks so much for all of your advice about questions. I have them all written down and those I didn't get to, I will soon.

I Can't Believe It's Tomorrow

On one hand, I'm ecstatic that I finally have this darn tube and balloon removed tomorrow. My cramping is pretty much gone, but the apparatus is given me all sorts of other uncomfortableness. I want the balloon gone!

On the other hand, I am petrified. I asked you a couple of days ago what I should be asking my RE and I appreciate your advice very much. What I realized though is that I pretty much had all of you confirm all of the things I knew I needed to ask. That's the thing though...I don't want to think about it.

As I type this, my chest is tight. I can feel it racing. I'm teetering on the edge of completely losing it. This is it. The talk. The plan. And then, TTC again.

The thought of trying again makes me want to throw up. Literally. I can't imagine. I can't imagine trying again for something that has brought me so much unimaginable pain. Even with the testing and what's been discovered, I'm just not sure I like the answers. I just feel unsettled. I told SC today that I have a bad feeling it's going to happen again. Is that me knowing that somewhere, deep down? Is this like when I called the doc after my surgery, feeling like I just knew there was a problem and guess what? More scar tissue.

If we were younger, I'd take off indefinitely. No ifs, ands or buts. I wouldn't even think twice about it. I'm going to be 35 1/2 in March. Time is not a luxury that I have.

There is a part of me that is praying the doc says to take off February tomorrow too. If I'm still taking the estradio.l after I get my period, she'll be pushing me back to March. How twisted is it that I'm fine with that? It's been so nice to not be thinking about trying since October. SOO nice. How do I change all that?

I don't want to go through this again. I don't want to have additional dates in the calendar fucked up in my head... 10/14, 5/28, 3/25. The days I lost my babies. Oh right, then there's 11/25, 1/4 and 5/20. My EDDs. Then there's the days I got my BFPs, Mother's Day (I got a gift last year from SC when I was pregnant), etc.

A Conflicted Wife...

I need to know your thoughts about something. I really do though need to stop this multiple posts in a day thing going on!

I have missed 14 days of school already this year (since August). From my miscarriage misdiagnosis, to the miscarriage, to the D&E and surprise hysteroscopy...well, it's been tough. My boss is more than understanding, as are the faculty. I have the days, that's not the issue. I just hate, hate, hate being out.

Mr SC is scheduled to have knee surgery next Friday. Not complicated surgery (although he'll be put out) but surgery, nevertheless. I was going to take a day off, yet again. What else would I do?

I got this in an email tonight from my mom:
This may surprise you, but please give it some serious thought --- stepfather has suggested that he come up to take SC back and forth from the hospital next week. He says he knows you have needed to take so many days already and perhaps he could be of help. I mentioned that the surgery may be scheduled for early AM. He said that was ok ,he would go up the night before and sleep over. Again, share with SC and give it some thought.

My jaw is still on the ground. This is not my stepfather. He is there for me, but he's not an overly caring, concerned individual. That he has offered something so generous has floored me. Of course, SC has his mother who could also take him, which wouldn't be an issue either. It's also significant of my stepfather because I moved away two hours and, well, my stepfather is a little resentful. I usually have to drive to see them, etc. etc.

As a wife, I want to take my husband and be there for him. I feel like it's my duty and I want to. I know at the end of the day, my husband is more important than my job. And, it wouldn't be an issue to have off, at all. SC has had surgeries throughout his life. I think this is like, #20. It's no big deal to him.

However, there's a part of me that seriously wants to take him up on this for so many reasons. I feel like a bad wife though for even considering it. Before you say just ask SC, he says he doesn't care and he had already offered to ask his mom and I said no.

Thoughts? WWYD?

Calling All Experts! (Yes, This Means YOU!)

So ladies, I have my follow-up with my RE on Thursday. I just started seeing her in early December about my RPL. She ran a bunch of tests and found the scar tissue, which I've had two hysteroscopies to remove.

My follow-up is about the surgery (and to remove the balloon and tail...YAY!). But, it's also a sitdown officially now that all my tests are in.

So far, what I know:
CD 3 b/w: all good
All other tests from the 12 vials taken: all good

I also know that I'm dealing with Factor V (and we have to discuss my injections...every cycle after Oing? and hypothyroidism. We also know about the scar tissue issue.

What do I ask her? I, of course, will ask "what's the plan?" Can you think of other specifics? I appreciate it so much. Even if you haven't had RPL, what else is important?

Thanks so much. I appreciate it! :)

Some Things to be Happy About, Take Two.

Part one is here...

Even with all this IF stuff (and the balloon, and the bag, and the questions...grrr!), I have many things that make me happy. I thought I'd share some of mine and see if you would share some of yours! Note: This is a non-TTC/Mr SC/pooches post.

1. Travel-This includes investigating places to go and finding places to stay. I love it. I love to get to a place that I found and booked and think hey, this is pretty freakin' cool. I love that Mr SC and I share this passion. I'm hoping to get to Niagra Falls this summer.

2. How my body feels after I work out. It's been quite some time since I've properly done so, but I remember the feeling fondly. :)

3. Reading. I posted a list of my books from 2009 here. I just finished one this weekend and, thanks to paperbackswap.com, I have another ready to go. I'd give up movies for books any day!

4. The smell of coffee in the morning. And that first sip. YUMMY!

5. Cooking. I love finding recipes and trying new things. My speciality? Potato soup and seafood lasagna. I'm not a "foodie" but I love to cook.

6. Gardening. It's something I've grown to love so much now that I'm a country girl and am out of the city.

7. Celebrity gossip. Gosh, how I love to read those trashy, tabloid mags.

8. Football. I can't wait for the Colts to make the Superbowl! :)

Do You Have Children?

Today is my first day back at work. It's for an in-service, which is easy. I'm in pain today, but that's just because I'm actually up and around.

Two yucky things though. I was walking down the hallway and saw a fellow teacher who is out on leave with her almost two month old baby. I almost started crying on the spot. Why did she have to be as old as my baby would be if I wouldn't have had my first m/c?

Then, I stopped in to fill out my absence report from last week. The secretary is sweet and said oh, I didn't know you were going to be out. Is everything ok? I briefly explained that I had a dr. appointment on Tuesday afternoon and then had surgery Wednesday morning. She says oh my! Then asks, "Do you have any children?" I replied, no, no I don't. She then says oh, well that's a good thing for right now. It would have made things much more difficult.

Gee, thanks. Thanks for reminding me of that, right after I saw the two month old baby. As if my pain, loopiness from the medication, the balloon in my uterus and my "tail" that goes to my knee with attached bag isn't enough of a reminder.

I know she didn't mean any harm, but yuck. Sorry for whining but thanks for listening.

What Makes a Happy Ending?

Being confined to the bed or recliner (or simply the house, for that matter) has given me entirely too much time to think. That's what led to this post.

When I was in surgery Mr SC went to the gift shop in the hospital to get something for me. I found this a bit odd, since I had been in a few times in the last several months and he hadn't done so before but hey, I'm not complaining.

He chose to tell me about the gift after I met my friend, Val.ium (courtesy of the panic attack). Very simply he said, "I got you something." Now that I think of it, I think it's the only time in our relationship he's ever just randomly bought me something.

It's a cute lined note pad. The sheets are cream with red lines. I love my lists. :) The top has a message in the red, wooden box type thing. It's a magnetic pad and when the paper is gone, you can keep the message and use it as a magnet.

The title of the message is, "A Daily Reminder for the One I Love". He wanted to read it to me, in the state that I was in. And so he did. He's not a man of many words but he told me that when he read it, he thought to himself, "that's me".

The end says, "...Remember that you're the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, my happy ending, my dream come true, my friend and love all wrapped up in one..."

I'm thinking so much about those words, "happy ending". At the end of all that we have endured since getting that first BFP, as I sit here now typing this with a tail hanging out of me, I'm wondering. We he still see me as his happy ending if I can never give him a baby?

I Stayed Home

Thanks everyone for your kind words and thoughts about what to tell my students. I thought I had the solution but then Michelle brought up about a blood disorder and if they think it's HIV/AIDS. I don't want those rumors.

I thought I would go in for a half day. I decided that wasn't a good idea. I went in and made my desk ready, got assignments prepared, etc. Now I'm at home though. There's a whole difference between putzing around at my house vs. in school with kids. I'm bored off my rocker, but that's ok. More time to comment on blogs. Hmm...perhaps I'll change my background again! I just keep thinking that I've already missed 14 days this year, etc etc and my sick days are being depleted and I'm thinking, what happens when I have a baby? Well, guess what? I can only deal with the now. Now I've had three surgeries since October and it's OK that I've missed so many days.

I have the balloon in until next Thursday. It's not painful and neither is the tail. It's just awkward. I don't really even know it's there.

Ouch.

Before I even get into the details about my hysteroscopy, I wanted to say thanks for everyone who offered their kind words before the procedure. :)

This second procedure was not pleasant. The first one was actually not that bad at all. I was going into this one thinking that it would be the same. NO WAY.

They took me late (fine, ok) and the antibiotic that they gave me before made me super gassy and sick to my stomach. Ok, fine.

So I wake up to a horrible sore throat. I ask in my groggy state if this is normal (I hadn't had this with my D&Es or my other hysteroscopy). They said oh yes, it's from the tube they had in your because of your gas. Hmm...wonder what I did while I was asleep? Freakout reason #1. A tube is no big deal. I just hadn't had one before.

Freakout reason #2. I find out just before surgery that the "balloon" they are putting in my uterus to prevent more scar tissue from forming has a "tail". A tube hangning from me that goes until about my knees. Freaking long tail. I did not realize this. I thought the balloon was just up in there. Ok, fine. The med student tried to make me feel better (with the doctor, explaining, pre-op) by joking around that I couldn't "wag it". I was glad she made me laugh. Anyway, ok, fine. Well, when I awake I discover a bag attached to the tube. What? My nurse explained that it was because of draining blood from me, blah blah blah. This wasn't in the original plan and I immediately thought something went wrong.

Freakout reason #3. I was supposed to be done in an hour. The clock read three hours (from what I desperately was able to make out, sans glasses).

Then I got up from laying down to try to go to the bathroom. I couldn't. I then instantly had horrible heat flashes and a thing in case I had to throw up. This was new also. Freakout reason #4.

Oh...the biggest reason? The pain. OMG. When I woke up, it was a 7. It escalated to a nine. I was writhing in pain and begging for something else for it. My doc explaining that often the uterus responds with something similar to labor pains from the balloon. Freaking wonderful.

So there, in my hospital bed, I had an all-out panic attack. I thought something went wrong and they weren't telling me. I was thinking how in the hell am I going to school with a bag attached to my legs? I lost it. I couldn't breathe and was shaking uncontrollably. Enter my new friend, Val.ium. Soooo nice to meet you.

I apologized profusely to my doctor and to anyone else who would listen. I know that in the grand scheme of life, I was lucky for the procedure I was having. I could have been the woman across from me who was around 40 in pre-op who just found out she had cancer. I just thought something had gone wrong because it was all so different and because of the pain. Last time too I was in the hospital for a total of five hours, start to finish. This time, it was 10.

I am feeling much, much better. Still odd to have my tail, but whatever. I'm going to do my best to get into school tomorrow for a half day.

Speaking of which (and if you read this far)...I really should tell my students something. I will have missed a total of 13 days this year already. They know I've had surgery twice but I know they are concerned. I'm not going to tell them about the miscarriages or anything, but I was thinking of telling them that I'm ok...that I have a blood disorder that they're trying to manage and get straightened out and sometimes when I see my doctor I need surgery, relatively at the last minute, but that I'm fine. Thoughts? They're mainly 9th graders. Only a couple have asked me if I'm ok, but they are more and more asking my sub, other teachers, etc.

Surgery Tomorrow

I need to stop this whole two posts in a day thing.

So I had the office hysteroscopy today. It was hell. Why? I don't know. The light, the instruments, whatever. I would have rather been knocked out. Turns out I get my wish!

My pain is being caused by scar tissue that has regrown. Not much (and even less than last time) but it's still there. She's going to remove it and then insert a balloon that will stay in my uterus for a week and hopefully prevent scar tissue from reforming.

I had 50 million questions. I started sobbing and asking if this is ever going to happen for me. She said not to worry, they just have to take these extra steps. I asked what if the scar tissue keeps growing if I get pregnant? She explained that scar tissue only forms while you are healing, so that won't happen. I then also asked what would happen if we let this go. She said probably nothing and it most likely wouldn't be a problem with pregnancy. But, she explained with my history she wants to get it cleared out.

So now I had to run around and get things ready for school. It's tough since it's almost the end of the semester and I have two semester courses, meaning that clock is ticking. Whatever. What can I do?

I'm not happy to have this done again, but if it's what I need to do, that's fine. She said she could have me come back weekly and remove it gradually in the office, but there was no way I was going to do that.

I'm also on antibiotics to prevent infection from the balloon and taking estrogen for a month. She said by making my lining thicker it will hopefully prevent scar tissue from reforming as well.

So that's that. 9:20am tomorrow.

How Many of You Have Contemplated Throwing in the Towel?

Perhaps this is just because I'm super cranky today. I don't know. Honestly though, how many of you have thought about throwing in the towel on TTC? I know someone out there must have read that and audibly gasped. That's ok. I get that. Maybe that's why I've have three miscarriages. Maybe I just don't want it badly enough.

I'm on antibiotics for the infection and one of the side effects is inability to sleep. As if I didn't have that problem already. So I wake up after having a horrid nightmare and then after I finally fell back asleep after two hours, I had another.

Think about all the stress this causes us and all the money. All the instruments shoved up our hoo-has. All of the anguish. Sure, you can say that "it will all be worth it in the end". Will it? Who's to say that life will be better after all of this. Or, who's to say that we'll ever reach that end point. Heck, all the love in the world and a child could still turn out to be a juvenile delinquent screwup.

My life was just so much easer when I took my BCP every night and could have sex for the hell of it. Blech.

There Has to Be a Better Way

to manage blogs!

Thanks for all of your support earlier. I was feeling fairly sorry for myself. This post (the 2nd in a day) is also non-TTC related. I really enjoyed reading what others had to say in my book post, I thought I'd ask for some insight on this.

I read quite a few blogs and post entirely too much myself. How do you keep straight which blogs you commented on? If you posted a question to someone, how do you remember or keep track of who it was so you can check back? I just try to remember. It's not working so well. I thought there had to be a better way.

Also, is there a way to email people? I've poked around my settings, etc. but I can't seem to find anything.

Thanks all of you wise ladies! One day down, four more to go (until the weekend!)

UGH

I have such great titles lately, don't I?

Please forgive my rant in advance, or whatever you want to call it. I have tons of things going on in my mind and need to get them out.

So I'm back to having nagging pain/something on my left side. Yes, I have my office hysteroscopy tomorrow, which hopefully will shed some light. It was gone and I was fine and now it's back. It's day 4 of the antibiotics which give me the jitters and make it nearly impossible to sleep. Fantastic. I had really thought that things were "fine" and "part of the natural healing process". Guess not. My RE said to not have sex and we thought she was just talking because of getting pregnant. So, we went ahead and DTD. Now I'm paranoid I made things worse.

Plus, I'm on CD 18 and still NO sign of Oing. I had a pretty dark OPK on CD15. That usually signals they will be getting progressively darker and then I O. Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I've read that the hysteroscopy I had on 12/30 shouldn't have any impact on Oing. Plus, I mean, that's my uterus and the Oing is from ovaries. The only other thing I can think of is the Lexa.pro I'm taking and I''m thinking about stopping.

I'm upset because I'm thinking that we're supposed to be able to try again next cycle and I know the not-Oing could be a fluke, but what if it's not? I had two unexplained anovulatory cycles back a few months after we started TTC. I'm just scared my body is out of whack.

Then I also have the nagging thought...I had scar tissue, I may not be ovulating, I have had three losses. After a surgery that was supposed to fix things, now I'm having pain. Maybe this just isn't meant to be for us.

Books!

What a creative title, huh? I've also changed my background (again!)

I got the idea for this post after reading this extensive book list of 2009 from this great blog.


I'm including a list of the books I read in 2009. Not nearly as extensive as the other, but I wanted to share. I've kept a book that lists the books I've read since 2004, but sometimes I forget to record them. Tell me what you think about the books on my list. I'd love to hear what you've read also and what you recommend.


I pretty much only read fiction. I'm a social studies teacher and the two large bookshelves in my home are filled with mainly non-fiction. I always purchase them yet never read them. Why? Well, when I actually get to sit down and relax, I'd rather not think very much or try to learn. I do that every day at school. When I read, it's purely for entertainment. That's why I never watch the Histo.ry Channel either.


At the urging of a friend, I finally signed up at paperbac.kbookswap.com. Wow! It's like Christmas all over again.

So, here's my 2009:
Skeletons at the Feast/Chris Bohjalian
Testimony/Anita Shreve
Best Friends Forever/Jennifer Weiner
Dune Road/Jane Green
Indignation/Philip Roth
Twilight/Stephanie Meyer
New Moon/Stephanie Meyer
Eclipse/Stephanie Meyer
Breaking Dawn/Stephanie Meyer
Walking in Circles Before Lying Down/Merrill Markoe
Friday Night Knitting Club/Kate Jacobs
Twenties Girl/Sophie Kinsella
Windless Summer/Heather Sharffadin
Firefly Lane/Kristin Hannah
Black Friday/Alex Kava
Long Lost/Harlen Cohen
The Hour I First Believed/Wally Lamb
One Fifth Avenue/Candace Bushnell
The Senator's Wife/Sue Miller
Revolutionary Road/Richard Yates

My favorites are in green. My favorite books, overall though are: The Kite Runner, She's Come Undone and East of Eden.

Any recommendations?

There Are Other Things You Can Do

I'm so frustrated right now! I was all excited to blog about books and nothing to do wtih TTC or my lady parts. Oh well.

So yesterday I started having pain on my left side in my stomach. On the inside. It almost felt like a pulled muscle. It got worse. Today then I started spotting a half decent amount. I was concerned but didn't want to be a hypochondriac. So, finally I thought I'd call and talk to my RE. My follow-up from my hysteroscopy (where she removed the scar tissue) wasn't until next Tuesday and I figured I'd be told I was just fine and see you then.

Nope. They said the doctor wants to see you at noon. Can you make it? I'm a teacher. It was in two hours. I thought oh shit. So, I ran around to try to get things done, trying not to lose it. Thankfully it was my prep period. I must've looked bad. My principal asked if I needed him to drive me. (He just knew I was having issues with surgery and my doctor wanted to see me)

Anyway, long story short my doc thinks I may have an infection. I have two antibiotics to pick up. She also has scheduled an in office hysteroscopy for next Tuesday afternoon to just "check things out". She talked about it could be from me just healing, it could be there's a bit of scar tissue left that she could clean up, etc. etc. She was very kind about everything and she reassured me that I did the right thing by calling.

Here's the funny part. Well, at least I think it's funny. So, SC and I have been going a little crazy because of the inability to engage in marital activities. But, whatever. So my procedure at first was scheduled for next Friday, which would have been 2 1/2 weeks of no activity. She's going over things for the procedure and says no intercourse before blah, blah. I pretty much interrupted her with a bewildered look on my face and said, no sex? SC swears her reply was directly TO ME since she was talking to me. I disagree and say she was just looking at me because I was the one who posed the question. Anyway, she says, (while laughing) "There are other things you can do." We all start cracking up and then SC says hey, you two are all red. So was he. Figures. Typical male!

I'm hoping that she looks around and that everything looks fine. I'm also hoping that the medicine takes care of everything. I'd like to get back on board for next month. I tried to stall all of my "what if" questions and my follow-up is on 1/21.

My next post will be non-TTC. I PROMISE! :)

The Importance of Support

IF incredibly difficult and can take many, many different forms. It can be the woman who uses donor sperm and can't get pregnant. It can be the couple who try for cycle after cycle after cycle, with no explanation given from the doctors. It can be those who suffer from recurrent loss. It can lead to couples chosing it's too much to endure and to chose child-free living. Or adoption. Or the pull-out-all-the-stops and try anything possible.

One of the most challenging things about IF (other than the fact that we are still trying for children) is how isolated we feel from others, especially IRL. That's why so many of us turn here. To blogging. We feel safe here and feel like we're in a place where people understand.

I'm thankful to have the support system that I have here. At the end of the day, it's an outlet for our feelings. That's why it's been so helpful to me (and I know to others) to read your blogs. Even if everyone may not "get" the circumstances, we all have that one thing in common...

We all have empty arms. We all want so desperately to have a child to hold in our arms.

It's important that we remember that commonality. Our situations are all different, but the emptiness is the same.

One of "Those" People

Three times today, while watching TV, the shows have referenced someone who "couldn't have children". It's not like I've been home watching TV for 24 hours straight or anything either.

I have been proud of myself. I force myself to say "when" I get pregnant again, rather than "if". When someone asks me how my surgery went (who knows what's going on with me) and I talk about my injections, I say, "when I get pregnant again I'll give them daily". I force myself to try to have that hope.

Truth is, I don't believe it.

I don't want to be one of "those" women or one of "those" couples who can't have children. I don't want to be someone who is always looked at with pity. I live in a small town. Even though we've tried to keep things relatively quiet, I'm sure people know and are whispering.

I fear this is my fate. I fear that all of the reasons that "could be" for my RPL will, in fact, turn into not real reasons at all and that time after time, it will happen over and over again. I wonder how long it will take to break me.

I suppose that I can be proud that it hasn't yet. Perhaps that's just the Lexa.pro though.

Truth be told, if I actually allow myself to stop and think about it, I'm scared completely shitless of trying again next month. I'm terrified of getting pregnant again and enduring the nightly ice cubes and injections, as SC tries to soothe me, or tell me that my belly is beautiful (seriously, who is he kidding? Not me) and in the end, not ever having a baby to hold in our arms. I believed wholeheartedly that this last loss was going to be our sticky bean. Obviously I was wrong.

I sure hope that in the end, I'm wrong about this.

P.S. I wanted to thank everyone who gave me insight/support in my last post. You gave me much to think about. :) You don't need to say "I'm sorry" or anything. I'm ok.

I'm Not Feeling Anything

This may turn into a long one...just so that you're forewarned.

I'm wondering if the medication I'm taking (Lex.apro) is a really a good idea.

I'm a relatively high-strung, energetic gal. I experience emotions, although I do my best to keep them in my head unless someone really knows me.

Today, I think, is my 2nd EDD. I say "I think" because I got pregnant the very next cycle after our m/c, I wasn't 100% when I oed and an u/s very early on was a bit "behind" where I thought I would be. Irregardless, I would be about to pop right now if I hadn't already.

I forgot. Plain and simple, what day it was.

Then, when I get to school, I see my "friend" L (the one who literally hasn't spoken to me since my 3rd m/c), who is now visibly pregnant. She was two weeks behind where I would be now with loss #3. I saw her belly and thought hmm...I wonder if that's what I would look like now. I then went about my photocopying.

Kelly gets stressed and worked up about things. I am neurotic. Lately though, not so much. Surgery? Sure. No big deal. Our laptop might be dead and we have no money right now to buy a new one? Whatever. These are not characteristics of me.

I talked to SC about it. He said that he thinks that I'm just learning to deal with things better. If I'm ranking them (as twisted as that sounds), #2 was the easiest loss of the three. I replied well hey, you can't tell me that for 34 years I've had a chemical imbalance and now all of a sudden the pills have saved me.

Even now, here I am finishing this that I started during my lunch. Kids are coming in my room and I'm writing as if I'm talking about the weather.

What is wrong with me???

Weekend in Review

I finally got to get out of the house this weekend. The more I did, the more cramping I had, but it's still not bad. All in all, that's good.

Last night we weren't sure what to do. We wanted to get out of the house but had to be careful about my level of activity. Nothing really seemed appealing at the theater either. So, we decided to load up the dogs and take them to the canine spa. It's a great place where Nittany got her start dock diving. Usually though, it's open for a "free swim", as it was last night. Nittany played and played but Lewie, well, he only played in the water when he was placed in the water by SC.

So tonight I went to wash the three towels we used to dry the dogs. The load seemed to be taking a while and I went to check on it. SC asked me how much detergent I used, since the entire washing machine was full of suds. I insisted that I used the regular amount. Too bad that what I didn't realize was that the bottle of doggie shampoo was wrapped in the towels and was therefore washed. OOPS!

My stomach now not only hurts from the injections (it's tender at the spots) and the cramping from the procedure, but hurts from being doubled over in laughter.

Good thing that SC bought a shop vac today! :)

It's Like Shopping!

I absolutely love to change my blog background. What a freaking dork I am. :) It's like shopping, only free. I hope I'm not driving any of you crazy.

Two days off and then I'm back to work. YUCK. I know that I'm fortunate to have off in the first place, don't get me wrong. I still have two midterm exams to rewrite and countless other things to do for school, yet my bag sits unopened. On the bright side though, only two more days of my injections. Yay! I only have two bruises to show for it. Not too shabby.

I hope that all of you have a good New Year's Eve. SC and I made it until 1am and enjoyed lounging today and watching football.