Here's To 2010!

As many of you are, I'm sooo glad that 2009 is over! In so many ways, it was by far the worst year of my life.

Then though, I look at SC and wonder how I can think that, because we have each other.

So...what I'm looking forward to in 2010. I hate to use the word "resolution".

1. To being the best wife I can be to SC. I don't feel like I measure up to him like he is to me. I am embarassed about my stomach and where he's giving me injections. I'm fortunate that when I gain weight, it at least gets equally distributed throughout my body, but I hate my stomach. So to expose it, while he rubs it for 10 minutes with ice and then gives me the shot, well, is unnerving. He kissed my stomach last night on one side as he rubbed me with ice on the other side. I just hope, in my own way, that I make him feel as he makes me feel.

2. To be better to myself. This includes not beating myself up so much about things which I can't control. This includes trying to not obsess about TTC/RPL related things. This includes trying to lose weight and be healthier.

3. To have hope. Pure and simple.

I hope that all of you have a fabulous New Year!

I Survived!

Today was my hysterscopy. I was surprisingly ok with it. First, I was just glad AF cooperated and I could have it today. Second, I didn't let myself think about my only two other surgeries in my life (my D&Es this year). That helped quite a bit. I only got a little upset when they put in the IV...and then I was fine.

I'm home and am not taking the prescription narcotics that were prescribed. I just don't need them. I'm taking Al.eve and I'm feeling ok. Not good, but ok.

How did things go? Well, my RE scheduled today to remove either what she thought was a polyp or a fibroid that she was on the u/s. The hysterscopy is diagnostic though too, so when she went in, she saw something else.

Turns out, I didn't have a fibroid or a polyp. What I did have was a "ton" of scar tissue. I guess she showed Mr SC before and after pics too. She seemed very pleased with what she did and explained to Mr SC that there was "no way anything could properly implant" with scar tissue like that. My head now is swimming, of course. I figure that it stemmed from my 1st D&E in May for several reasons. I had thought though, at least from this most recent loss, that it implanted on the "other side" of my uterus. I remember when the tech saw my scar tissue (what she thought was a fibroid) that she said oh, it's not close to the bean, so it's fine. I know the scar tissue impacts blood flow, but, well...who knows. I'll ask those questions at my follow-up. She also told Mr SC that next cycle we'd be all set to go, that we would talk about my b/w at the follow-up and that she wants me on Love.nox injections for the entire next pregnancy.

Mr SC was worried. It was supposed to be around 45 minutes and turned into an hour and a half. I felt so bad for him.

Well, that's that. Thanks for all the well wishes and support. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. And, speaking of injections, it's time for round #2.

Not So Bad After All!

DH sucessfully stabbed me and all went well. :) That's the short version.

I'm taking the Lovenox today, tomorrow and the four days after that for a total of six days (once per day) Mr SC numbed my stomach so much with ice that I barely felt it. I didn't look. I was laying down on the bed with a pillow over my face. The whole time I was holding my bracelet with the "hope" charm and just kept telling myself it will be ok. It was. It hurts now, but it's no big deal.

My surgery is at 7:30am tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, but I'm ok. I realized yesterday that because the only two surgeries of my life were my D&Es, that's all that I'm associating this with. It helps though that it's in a different hospital. I know it will be ok and I know this is something I have to do.

Mr SC is so pleased with himself that he could do this. He held me before and then had the presence of mind to do it like it was nothing. Him taking care of it for me really took the stress off me. He's in the kitchen making chicken noodle soup from scratch (noodles and all!) for tomorrow. :)

So that's that. Thank you for all of your words of encouragement and your support. I know this is just the next step that I need to take to get where we want to be.

News Today and the Best Tree EVER! *Edited*

I vowed today would be a post that I had nothing to do with my lady parts. Sorry to disappoint, but that's not going to happen.

First, Mr SC is doing my injections. I was shaking so badly during my "lesson", he just sort of took over.

Second, it looks like AF is cooperating and I'm having surgery at either 7am on Wednesday. I won't know definitely until tomorrow (freaking rude houseguest!) but that's ok. I knew that.

While at my "lesson" today, I got good news. One thing that I still needed results for was my CD3 b/w. I had it checked last year by my gyno, but she didn't check my E2, she only checked my FSH. I was scared that this new round would show that things were abnormal when they checked the E2 also. Nope! I'm all good. I still can't believe it. She was happy with my numbers (FSH 4.29 and E2 26). EDITED: I know, I shouldn't do this, but "normal" E2 is either "under" 50 or 25-75. Mine is 26. Freaking Dr. Google. Any insight?

At the medical center, I finally remembered my camera to take a pic of the Penn State tree. I LOVE IT!

A Realization

I hope that all of you are enjoying the holidays. I've been enjoying reading posts. I haven't been home and although I could read, I've been having trouble commenting. I'm hoping to get better caught up later.

As for me, the dreaded Christmas Eve with SIL wasn't that bad. She couldn't bring her newborn, which helped. When I was done, we left. We couldn't go to my mom's on Christmas Day due to weather. That was good, since I ended up with a stomach bug and was on the couch all day.

We packed up and went to see my mom yesterday morning and got back a little bit ago. It's where I lived the majority of my life (2 hours away) until about three years ago. It was so good to see her and spend time with her. I'm always sad when I leave though and I realized something though on the way home that unnerved me a bit...my life was easier before.

When I say "before", I mean "before" when I was alone. I don't want this to sound horrible, so let me explain. I truly believe that before I met DH and moved out here, that I was only really sort of half living. I was single and solo (just my pooch and me), extremely independent and led a reasonable life.

Now that I look back, I realize that I wasn't living life to the fullest. I didn't ever have a relationship like I do with DH. I didn't ever have someone love me like he does (and vice versa) and I didn't ever have someone take care of me like he does. With the heartache though of the last year, I didn't ever hurt like this before either.

That's tough. It's tough to realize that with the super highs that I experience, the lows and the pain are so much more painful than they ever have been. I wouldn't trade "easy" for now and in fact, I really feel as though much of my life before was wasted. Gosh though, it was sure nice to never have felt the pain of this last year before.

So anyway, that's that. I made it through Christmas, just like all of you said I would. I have two days before my surgery (if AF cooperates, and that remains to be seen). I'm going to force myself into a non-TTC/non-lady parts post tomorrow if I can.

I have a bit more cleaning to do and then I'm going to get caught up for ICLW.

A Gift from a Dear Friend

I'm trying not to dwell on things. Whatever will be will be and I can't change AF. So, I'm turned my thoughts to something else...

Yesterday I received something that was so thoughtful and kind, I wanted to talk about it a bit.

I've been trying to think of small ways to help get myself through tough times (aside from medication or too much chocolate, of course). I bought an angel ornament for our tree that says "watch over us" a few weeks ago. I love our tree and often look at that angel. It can represent anyone that we love who is no longer with us, or one of our three angels that we lost this year. I was trying to think of something to get for myself (aside from the ornament) to serve the same purpose. It came today in the mail.

It's a simple but perfect bracelet with a heart charm. One side says "hope" and the other, "joy". I have no idea how she knew that this would be just perfect. I'm going to wear it this holiday season and look to it as a way to keep myself grounded. I need to still have hope. And, then I'm going to put it away.

I'll get it back out again when I get pregnant again. I know that it will be "when" and not "if". I need to always remember to have hope and from that, I'll find the joy that we so desperately are searching for. There's a little more to the gift story, but I'll keep it at that for now.

Thank you so much for this gift. One of the best things to come of this IF journey is to truly know who your friends are. Sometimes, the ones who understand the most are those you haven't even met. :)

Despair. Disbelief. Approaching Rage.

I've never really felt as though things came easy for me in life, whether it be money, grades, etc. That's just fine. That was one thing about Mr SC that was so different when I met him. Falling in love with him and our relationship was just so easy.

It seems though, that the powers that be perhaps think we shouldn't be together. We have faced crazy, ridiculous challenges since we have been together. Let's see...obviously there's the IF stuff and the three miscarriages this year. DH had two surgeries and he was out of work for nearly a year. Then, he was cleared to go back to work and got laid off two weeks later. Sure, that's the economy and I'm glad I have a full time job and we have a roof over our heads. Add the fire at our house and the flood that followed a month later and it's been an uphill challenge for us. I'm glad things have made us stronger instead of pushing us apart.

So, imagine my surprise when I actually Oed early this month. My RE wanted me to have a hysterscopy and it originally looked like it was going to happen on 1/6, meaning I would miss three more school days this year (I've already missed 12 since August). I Oed early, and because my LP is always 12 days or under, that cleared the way for surgery on 12/30, over my winter break (I'm a teacher). Not the best way to ring in the new year but hey, I was glad. I caught a break!

Looks like that's not going to happen. STILL no AF. I've spotted a tiny bit for the last couple of days, but other than that, NOTHING. I am so incredibly angry. I am just in such a state of disbelief. Perhaps this is some sort of sign from my body...hey Kelly, don't mess with your lady parts. You aren't meant to reproduce. If you didn't get the hint from the three miscarriages, here's the reminder.

Merry Fucking Christmas. That's right. I didn't even try to censor it. I'm sorry if that offends you, but that's just the tip of the expletive iceburg for me today, my friends.

If You Need Someone...

These next few days may end up being tough for many of us for a variety of reasons. All of us need to do what we need to do to survive them, in as painfree a way as possible.

Don't feel badly about blogging/venting. No need for apologies or to feel guilty. That's why we're all here. Reach out to someone if you need to also. I have a few people on standby speed text for emergencies. :)

Happy holidays to everyone... or as Dawn said, have the happiest holiday possible.

(((HUGS)))

I'm Trying

It felt weird to type that. I don't meant TTC, I just mean to deal with all of this.

I'm a teacher and today was my last day of school until 1/4. That's fantastic (other than the two bags of work I brought home, but that's another whole thing).

The last two days I just feel like a nasty bitch. Gee thanks for the Xmas gift, AF! I'm trying. Truly I am. I just am so disgusted. I don't even want to know what I'd be feeling like without the Lexap.ro.

I am so over all of this holiday crap. The only thing I want is to see my mom, who lives two hours away. Looks like there's going to be freezing rain and that's not going to be happening. I have all these presents that I suppose people will be offended if I don't wrap. I'm not a very good "faker", so plastering a smile on my face just won't cut it.

I know I wanted to O early and to have my hysterscopy on 12/30 instead of 1/6 so I don't have to miss any more work. I got that wish. I'm not looking forward to all the appointments and testing that go along with it. I'm not looking forward to ushering in 2010 recovering from surgery. Interesting that in my 35 years I never had surgery, until 2009. Thanks, lady parts! Now I have three under my belt. I'm glad I don't have to deal with any of this with school, but I'm just dreading every second of it. I just want something to look forward to.

The worst part is the injections...for any of you who do this (whether it be triggers, or Lovenox), any tips? I have an appointment to learn how to give them to myself before my surgery (6 days total). I'm freaked out. I keep thinking of my grandmother. She was diabetic and died in 1985 (shut up to any of you who weren't born yet!). I was in 5th grade. She gave herself injections every day. I remember vividly I was with her once when I was sick and didn't want to take my medicine. She started to cry and told me to take it, that I should be thankful that when I take medicine it makes me better. She was right, and I did get better. She didn't get better. Complications from her diabetes are what killer her. I hope that I have her strength to do this. The thought is just so overwhelming to me. I hope that these injections, and the injections when I get my BFP again will make it better.

Welcome, ICLW!

Thanks for stopping by! You'll learn some more about me and my journey through TTC and RPL on the right.

I'm looking forward to reading your blogs! Happy Holidays!

Maybe There's a Reason

I'm not one of those people who thinks there's necessarily a reason for "everything", but for what we've endured this year, perhaps there is.

It's actually laughable to think that the pain of our three miscarriages in seven months this year hasn't significantly changed me. This whole TTC journey has. I'm not the same woman that I was or that Mr SC married. He's not the same either. I'm thankful on a daily basis that so far, it hasn't torn us apart but has brought us closer together.

The experience of IF and miscarriage is different for a woman though, isn't it? I think because of those differences, the lessons this has taught me are different.

2009 has definitely changed the way I look at the world. It's not through slightly rose-colored glasses anymore. I always considered myself to be a non-judgemental and sensitive person, but perhaps I was kidding myself. I look at people differently, whether it's a relative, a friend, my husband or even my students.

Day after day, I would put on my best face and try to go to school and teach my high school students. I did this while I was pregnant those three times. I did this while I was paralyzed every single day that I'd be losing the baby, again. I did this every day while I was spotting and was assured, from numerous u/s, that everything was "ok" (at first). I still did a half decent job. My students didn't know what happened. Sure, they may have been able to tell that something was wrong or that I wasn't myself. There were many days that I stayed home. However, more days than not, I braved school simply because I had to.

Now I look at the student in class who doesn't seem quite themselves and wonder why. What's going on behind their eyes that no one else can see? Are they enduring pain? Is there something other than the swine flu panic at my school that was keeping them home or preventing them from doing their work?

Or the woman in the store with a pregnant belly. Most times, I'm ok with this (although sometimes I have moments of weakness). I don't know what they had to endure to get to that point. Did they experience losses, like me? Have they been TTC for years and finally, after all of the testing and treatments, did they get their miracle?

I've truly come to realize that you never really know what's going on behind the smile.

UPDATE to the update. ACK!!

The nice update from yesterday is below.

My RE called me this morning. Looks like I'm the first surgery of the day on the 30th. Yay. That's not update-worthy though. She called because she wants me to be taking injectable blood meds for six total days for the surgery because of my Factor V. I have to give them to myself and I'm learning how on the 28th. I knew this would be coming when I get my BFP again, but WHOA! I know it's what I have to do, but it's making me uneasy. I'm also confused, since when I had my last D&E (wow that sounds like I'm a regular) they said the Factor V didn't make them need to do anything differently. Hmm..
______________________________________________________________

I had my pre-op appointment today with my RE. I was initimidated by the large hospital at first but immediately felt better when I saw the enormous Christmas tree in the lobby, all decked out in PSU ornaments and blue and white fun stuff.

Anyway, the results from my 12 vials of blood came back and all was fine. Of course, I still have what was found before (details on the right) but I'm so glad everything else looked good. I still have to get my CD3 drawn, but that was done last December and my numbers were good.

It was nice to get a little good news for once!

Why today?

This isn't usually something that bothers me. I even got good news today at the doc so I don't know why it matters. It does. Why are pregnant women everywhere I look? One of the men that coaches with Jason has a very pregnant wife. I'd imagine I'd look like that now if I hadn't lost #2. I wonder if the same thoughts are going through MR SC's head.

Valued Blogger

I was awarded with the brand new Valued Blogger award by an amazing woman and blogger, Katie, at From IF to When: My Journey from Infertility to Motherhood. I was so happy to have "met" her on the TTC boards last year. She's always offered me strength and support in this journey, even when going through her own struggles. Even though we've never "met" officially, it's so comforting to know that she's always there. Reading her blog and knowing how it helped her deal with IF is one of the reasons why I started blogging myself. I'm so glad I did!

This award is not like all of the other blog awards because we all want to not only know about you, but your opinion of your fellow bloggers. The rules are:
1. Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or shy as you like.
2. Pick 3-5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly it is you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. This is a chance to really appreciate your blog friends who have been there with and for you through thick and thin.
3. Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded.

I've selected bloggers who haven't already been awarded this award.. :)

My award goes to:

1. Noelle, at The Desire of my Heart. One of the reasons why I enjoy reading Noelle's blog is for her pure honesty. She writes from her heart about what she's feeling and sometimes, those thoughts aren't pretty. Guess what though? That's ok. Reading her posts makes me feel a little less alone in dealing with RPL. On some days, those thoughts have helped get me through. She's always able to offer supportive words for others even when she's dealing with so much on her own. Thank you, Noelle.

2. Elizabeth, at Where the Wright Day Takes You. Elizabeth's blog is one that is often raw and full of emotion. She's shown such strength in dealing with IF, even though she may not feel that way about herself. Through her words shines a tender, caring woman. She also offers other thoughts in her posts, which I love reading also. Thanks, Elizabeth.

3. Katie, at My Crazy, Fabulous Life. This one's going to be tough to write. I "met" Katie last year on the TTC boards. In many ways, I feel like we're a lot alike and that we've known each other forever. We're both social studies teachers, we both love football (sorry that her team is horrible this year!) and I've always felt if we lived closer, she'd be the kind of woman that I could call at the last minute, head to Target, and have a great time.

If I'm being honest though, I'm a little more distant and disconnected from Katie's blog than I'd like to be. It's a super blog about her pregnancy mainly, and is the kind of blog that reads like I imagine Katie would talk. While I'm so incredibly happy for her though, it's painful to read. Shortly after my 2nd BFP, Katie found out she was pregnant too. I remember it was right around Mother's Day. She said how it was the best Mother's Day ever. I replied that no, next year would be. Her baby girl is on the way soon and her and S will be amazing parents but reading her posts is bittersweet because it reminds me so much of all I've lost. I'm sorry for that. I hope she knows how much I care about her even though it may not seem like it sometimes.

So if you get the chance, check out these blogs written by these amazing women. Each of them have helped me tremendously, whether they realize it or not.

Dear Husband, Meet My Blog

It's been on the tip of my tongue so many times to tell you about this and to explain, yet I haven't and I'm not sure why. You've been so supportive of me through all of this. You let me do whatever I need to do to try and heal, so it doesn't make sense that I haven't shared this with you. Well, now's the time that I do.

So this is my blog. It's where I write to try to work through what I'm feeling. Mostly it's about our losses but sometimes, other parts of me shine through too. Although in my head, I feel defined so much by what we've lost, I know that I'm about so much more than that. Blogging helps me try to get that back. I started because the message boards I used to frequent have helped. Then I met the F.A.B. Five and it helped even more . One of them has a fabulous blog (well, we all do now but her blog I remember first) and it's helped her. I thought, why not? And here I am.

Please don't think that I turn here because I need something more than you can give me. That's not true at all. In fact, it's the opposite. I feel so lost. I miss the woman that I used to be and, although you reassure me almost daily that I shouldn't be worried about this, I worry that you miss her too. I burden you with so much. You never know if I'm going to be sad or happy and try so hard to make everything just right for me that I fear it often makes you exhausted. You are the most amazing man for so many reasons, reasons that I can't even articulate. The simple word "love" doesn't even come close to doing justice how I feel about you.

I remember or wedding vows so vividly...I vowed to cherish you as my partner in life, to laugh with you and to cry with you, and to love you more each day than the day before. All of these things are true for me and I know they remain true for you also. We just didn't anticipate this. We didn't anticpate the pain and the empty arms that eat away at us. I just pray that you never see me as a failure. I pray that you know that I would give almost anything to make this all go away and to fix it all, because the only thing that makes it hurt more is to know how much it hurts you. That thought nearly kills me.

So there it is. Read this whenever you want. Or not. That's up to you. I thought though that it was time for a long, overdue introduction.

I love you with all my heart.

Oooh! I almost forgot. Everyone knows you here as either DH (dear husband) or Mr SC (short for Mr. Sweet Cheeks!)

Don't Be Proud of Me

I relapsed.

I'm writing this from my couch today. I'm staying home.

My new approach lasted all of a week. I had a really rough night last night. It started out because I was excited that I was going to be able to have surgery over my winter break from school and I didn't want to miss a string of three more days.

Then I thought...what?? I'm not even really looking forward to Christmas like I usually am. The tree, lights, etc are fine. It's those at home moments with my husband or my family that are going to be tough. I should be about to give birth, I thought. Oh yeah, or I should have a newborn. Or I should be able five months pregnant.

See how messed up it is? I don't even know what I should be upset about.

I realized I'm not looking forward to Christmas. Not really jazzed about buying gifts as I usually am. NOPE. I just want time off from work. Then I thought, shit. I have to have surgery. This is what I wanted though, isn't it?

It was all a downward spiral from there. I sobbed, again. I tried to explain to Mr SC just how tired I am of people asking me what I want for Christmas. I wish I could really tell them what I want...and this is what I would say.

Well, thanks for asking. I don't want any sort of material things. I dont' need anything. But, since you asked and seem to need an answer:
1. I want to know what the hell is wrong with my body
2. I want to have the motivation to lose weight. Yet, since I hate my body so much right now, I have no will to do something about it.
3. I want to stop bleeding midcycle, right around O time. Yes, that's right. It's almost like a light day of AF. Then it stops. That's sure great for babymaking. Oh right. We're on a break. (Gosh that sounds like Ross and Rachel)
4. Speaking of DTD, I don't want to have to use protection with my husband. I can't go back on BCP because of my clotting disorder, or I would. I said last night that I feel like two strangers that just met at a bar. Isn't not having to use those things one of the perks of being married??
5. I want to not have this be so much freaking effort. Sure, I had be clean from crying for a week. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard. It's just so much freaking work every day. (I'm not making light of addiction here, believe me. My aunt is an addict and has been clean for eight years. I know the hell she has been through)
6. But REALLY what I want is to be holding the newborn in my arms that I should have right now. I want to be doing all of that baby's first Christmas stuff.

I guess I'm going to be making that call to my doctor to look into anti-depressants after all.

Disclaimer: I know how to write properly (you know, grammar and all that stuff). Sometimes when I blog I purely write my thoughts. Since they are fragmented thoughts, they are often posted as fragments. I'm sorry if this bothers you.

Another Two-Parter!

The first part though is non-TTC. Proud of me?

I love being a teacher and I love it even more on days like today. We had a two hour delay. YAY! Mr SC got up and drove me to school and before he did, he shoveled a little path around the car so I wouldn't have to walk in the snowy glop. :) I'm also looking forward to the weekend. MIL is taking me shopping for Christmas. I'm glad, since I need some new clothes!

And now, of course, is the TTC part. Sorry, folks. I'm trying!
I'm soon close to O day. I'm REALLY hoping it comes before Sunday, which means I can have surgery over break and won't miss any more days of school. I hate that we can't try. My RE asked if we were going to this cycle. I said, um, can we? She said it would probably be better to wait but that decision was up to us.

Well, that was an earth-shattering, exciting post. :)

Parts One and Two

I had vowed to deviate from the TTC posts but I have a little to say, so...this post will be Part One and Part Two

P1... (TTC)
I'm doing fairly well. I haven't cried in three days (yes, I'm really counting) and it's super tough, but I'm doing better. I'm forcing myself when I have to but that's ok. I just wish this journey wouldn't be as it is, as if any of us really think it's a "journey". This whole TTC thing (whether it's losses, failed IUIs or IVF, etc) just plain old sucks. The word "journey", to me, is about getting to that end point but knowing that there is an end point. What if I don't ever get my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? (Ok, I know...cheesy analogy. That's fine. I'll live with that.)

P2...non TTC
Things that make me happy:
1. Christmas lights. I LOVE them. I love to randomly take drives (gas prices, be damned!) and ooh and ah over them. On Sunday night, we drove almost two hours to see a famous street with Christmas lights. All of the homes on the street (with a live manger scene at the end) have been participating for 54 years! It was fun.
2. Coffee. Not that I'm one of those people in the morning who is pretty much set on "vibrate" but it's sooo good. I need cream and sugar, of course. I have two cups in the AM and that's it but ooooh yum!
3. Bad, horrible, guilty pleasures TV. I don't read guilty pleasure books but I definitely watch them on TV. Here's my confession to shows that I will watch (not all the time or religiously or anything...) Some of them are even more embarassing considering that I'm 35 years old!
-The Hil.ls
-Rock of Lo.ve
-Youn.g and the Rest.less
-Gene.ral Hosp.ital
-America.n Idol
-Parent.al Control
4. When Mr SC makes my lunch or cleans the house.
5. As a teacher, the possibility of a two hour delay!

What's on your list?

I'm So Over It

I don't know if I'll ever truly be over what we've been through this year, but I'm so over being sad/mopey/depressed/cloudy/all consumed with my grief.

Something clicked in my head on Thursday when I was with my therapist. She suggested I look into anti-depressants. I took a long, hard look at myself and our current state and I didn't like what I saw. I know there are many, many things over which I have no control. However, there are things that I can control and there are many, many things that I'm blessed with. I don't want to travel down that path so I'm going to fight to regain my emotional well-being, just like I'm going to fight to find out what's wrong with me and fight to maintain a pregnancy and carry to term.

I'm not against anti-depressants and please don't get me wrong, I'm not judging anyone who takes them. I feel as though I "need" one of my mini- chill pills on occasion. I just realized that if I can't regain myself now, what happens when I am pregnant again? What happens when I need to cope and don't want to take pills? These thoughts made me realize that I don't need medication like my therapist suggested. If I did, I don't think that I'd be feeling this way.

So that's that. We have to take off until February. Yes, I have a great deal to deal with and a great deal to be anxious about. However, every second that I cry or lay on my couch or play entirely too many games of Bejewel.ed Blitz, it's a second of my life that I've wasted. Life is too short and too precious to do that.

I'm going to take a bit of inspiration from my friend R, who is going to be blogging about other things and changing her focus while on a "break". Thanks for the great idea!

Obsessing

I'm a fairly take-charge kind of person. I like to gather information and take action. I consider those things personal strengths. I'm also impatient. I'm getting better at it, but it's something that I've been trying to work on.

So, as you can imagine, all of this TTC bull is difficult. Nope, I never thought I'd be one of those people who'd get pg right away. Really, I didn't. I'm glad I set things in motion yesterday with my RE visit. I really am.

The waiting now? Until January to know everything? Um, yeah. I'm not doing well with that. I want to be able to do something.

I started obsessing today. I'm trying not to but hey, at least I'm not upset I suppose. I called my OBGYN out of curiosity to find out my CD3 b/w from Dec 2008. I have it somewhere but for the life of me, I can't find it. Anyway, the nurse gave me the info. She then said I can't find your estradiol results. I'll give you a call back if they ran that test.

Well, that did it. My FSH was 5.5 last year. I thought that was pretty good for being 34. Then I went to Dr. Google and read that in some cases, your FSH can be normal because it's suppressed by abnormal estradiol. Those two tests together can determine egg quality best.

Of course, now I think I've found the reason for my losses. It must be that I have bad eggs, which is one of the things that can't really be "fixed" without donor eggs or IUI or IVF to help things.

You may suggest to try to keep myself busy?? Oh yes, I was trying to. I did all of this fun stuff during school today!

I Survived! :)

So after the mess I was last night and today, I survived!

I felt comfortable with my new RE. She seemed very thorough. Right now, I'm scheduled for a hysteroscopy either 12/30 or 1/6 to remove fibroids/polyps. I believe there are two. At the post op appointment following my surgery, I'll then have the full panel of the results from the 12 vials of blood they took from me today. We'll be off this cycle (which we already knew) and January also. We can be back in the swing of things in February, with plan.

Thank you all so much for all of your kind words of encouragement. They helped me tremendously!

No One Gets It

So I'm alone tonight. Mr SC has practice and then other things to do. So now I get to blog about my issues. I sure wish that I felt like a normal person that didn't just wallow in my pathetic state.

I truly feel like no one IRL really gets it. I guess that's why I turn here. All of us are carrying around this IF burden, primarily alone. That just plain old sucks. I have my RE appointment tomorrow and I'm scared out of my mind. Scared to have to deal with it. Scared to not have any freaking clue of what I'm going to have to deal with. Scared to have more poking and prodding. Scared that something is seriously wrong with me. Well, you know, beyond the three miscarriages thing. I don't remember if I had said this at any point before...I never even had a cavity. Never broke a bone. I only got chicken pox when I was 29. My D&Es were my only experience with medical procedures and being in the hospital.

I tried to talk to Mr SC. To him, it's just a doctor's appointment and I don't have anything to worry about yet. I wish for me it were that easy.

I dont' want to deal with any of this. I don't want to wait anymore to try. I don't want to have more instruments inside me, twisting and turning to see things. I don't want to miss more work. I'm 35 years old. I just want to be a normal person who can have a healthy baby. From the three very pregnant skanky (sorry, they are...not because they're young and pregnant, just because they are) girls in the high school where I teach, I didn't think that was anything too difficult. I guess I was wrong.

My Freakin' Mind Today

is mush. Just pure mush. All of these thoughts today came crashing in my brain at once.

First, I had a dream though that my boss fired me because I was missing too much time from work. He's very supportive and knows what's going on, so I know that's not going to happen, but obviously I'm stressed about it.

During the drive to work...
1. Shit. I should be home today. WITH A NEWBORN.
2. Ugh. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.

At school...
1. Shit. I shouldn't have completely relaxed over my break so I would have some clue what I was doing today.
2. Crap. I have to call my hematologist to fax over their report to my new RE.
3. What kind of freak am I that I'm seeing all these doctors that most people (well, outside of the IF circle) don't even know what they do? Seriously?

While on the phone...
1. HOLY F*CK. I see an RE on Thursday.
2. How much time and I going to be out from school for the testing?
3. What else will they find wrong with me?
4. God I have to go to the bathroom. I feel sick to my stomach.
5. Guess I better get ready to get off the denial train once again.

My brain is on absolute overdrive. My mini chill pill helped matters, but seriously.

Then Mr SC called just to talk to me because he missed me. I took a deep breath and that helped a bit.