Here's To 2010!

As many of you are, I'm sooo glad that 2009 is over! In so many ways, it was by far the worst year of my life.

Then though, I look at SC and wonder how I can think that, because we have each other.

So...what I'm looking forward to in 2010. I hate to use the word "resolution".

1. To being the best wife I can be to SC. I don't feel like I measure up to him like he is to me. I am embarassed about my stomach and where he's giving me injections. I'm fortunate that when I gain weight, it at least gets equally distributed throughout my body, but I hate my stomach. So to expose it, while he rubs it for 10 minutes with ice and then gives me the shot, well, is unnerving. He kissed my stomach last night on one side as he rubbed me with ice on the other side. I just hope, in my own way, that I make him feel as he makes me feel.

2. To be better to myself. This includes not beating myself up so much about things which I can't control. This includes trying to not obsess about TTC/RPL related things. This includes trying to lose weight and be healthier.

3. To have hope. Pure and simple.

I hope that all of you have a fabulous New Year!

I Survived!

Today was my hysterscopy. I was surprisingly ok with it. First, I was just glad AF cooperated and I could have it today. Second, I didn't let myself think about my only two other surgeries in my life (my D&Es this year). That helped quite a bit. I only got a little upset when they put in the IV...and then I was fine.

I'm home and am not taking the prescription narcotics that were prescribed. I just don't need them. I'm taking Al.eve and I'm feeling ok. Not good, but ok.

How did things go? Well, my RE scheduled today to remove either what she thought was a polyp or a fibroid that she was on the u/s. The hysterscopy is diagnostic though too, so when she went in, she saw something else.

Turns out, I didn't have a fibroid or a polyp. What I did have was a "ton" of scar tissue. I guess she showed Mr SC before and after pics too. She seemed very pleased with what she did and explained to Mr SC that there was "no way anything could properly implant" with scar tissue like that. My head now is swimming, of course. I figure that it stemmed from my 1st D&E in May for several reasons. I had thought though, at least from this most recent loss, that it implanted on the "other side" of my uterus. I remember when the tech saw my scar tissue (what she thought was a fibroid) that she said oh, it's not close to the bean, so it's fine. I know the scar tissue impacts blood flow, but, well...who knows. I'll ask those questions at my follow-up. She also told Mr SC that next cycle we'd be all set to go, that we would talk about my b/w at the follow-up and that she wants me on Love.nox injections for the entire next pregnancy.

Mr SC was worried. It was supposed to be around 45 minutes and turned into an hour and a half. I felt so bad for him.

Well, that's that. Thanks for all the well wishes and support. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. And, speaking of injections, it's time for round #2.

Not So Bad After All!

DH sucessfully stabbed me and all went well. :) That's the short version.

I'm taking the Lovenox today, tomorrow and the four days after that for a total of six days (once per day) Mr SC numbed my stomach so much with ice that I barely felt it. I didn't look. I was laying down on the bed with a pillow over my face. The whole time I was holding my bracelet with the "hope" charm and just kept telling myself it will be ok. It was. It hurts now, but it's no big deal.

My surgery is at 7:30am tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, but I'm ok. I realized yesterday that because the only two surgeries of my life were my D&Es, that's all that I'm associating this with. It helps though that it's in a different hospital. I know it will be ok and I know this is something I have to do.

Mr SC is so pleased with himself that he could do this. He held me before and then had the presence of mind to do it like it was nothing. Him taking care of it for me really took the stress off me. He's in the kitchen making chicken noodle soup from scratch (noodles and all!) for tomorrow. :)

So that's that. Thank you for all of your words of encouragement and your support. I know this is just the next step that I need to take to get where we want to be.

News Today and the Best Tree EVER! *Edited*

I vowed today would be a post that I had nothing to do with my lady parts. Sorry to disappoint, but that's not going to happen.

First, Mr SC is doing my injections. I was shaking so badly during my "lesson", he just sort of took over.

Second, it looks like AF is cooperating and I'm having surgery at either 7am on Wednesday. I won't know definitely until tomorrow (freaking rude houseguest!) but that's ok. I knew that.

While at my "lesson" today, I got good news. One thing that I still needed results for was my CD3 b/w. I had it checked last year by my gyno, but she didn't check my E2, she only checked my FSH. I was scared that this new round would show that things were abnormal when they checked the E2 also. Nope! I'm all good. I still can't believe it. She was happy with my numbers (FSH 4.29 and E2 26). EDITED: I know, I shouldn't do this, but "normal" E2 is either "under" 50 or 25-75. Mine is 26. Freaking Dr. Google. Any insight?

At the medical center, I finally remembered my camera to take a pic of the Penn State tree. I LOVE IT!

A Realization

I hope that all of you are enjoying the holidays. I've been enjoying reading posts. I haven't been home and although I could read, I've been having trouble commenting. I'm hoping to get better caught up later.

As for me, the dreaded Christmas Eve with SIL wasn't that bad. She couldn't bring her newborn, which helped. When I was done, we left. We couldn't go to my mom's on Christmas Day due to weather. That was good, since I ended up with a stomach bug and was on the couch all day.

We packed up and went to see my mom yesterday morning and got back a little bit ago. It's where I lived the majority of my life (2 hours away) until about three years ago. It was so good to see her and spend time with her. I'm always sad when I leave though and I realized something though on the way home that unnerved me a bit...my life was easier before.

When I say "before", I mean "before" when I was alone. I don't want this to sound horrible, so let me explain. I truly believe that before I met DH and moved out here, that I was only really sort of half living. I was single and solo (just my pooch and me), extremely independent and led a reasonable life.

Now that I look back, I realize that I wasn't living life to the fullest. I didn't ever have a relationship like I do with DH. I didn't ever have someone love me like he does (and vice versa) and I didn't ever have someone take care of me like he does. With the heartache though of the last year, I didn't ever hurt like this before either.

That's tough. It's tough to realize that with the super highs that I experience, the lows and the pain are so much more painful than they ever have been. I wouldn't trade "easy" for now and in fact, I really feel as though much of my life before was wasted. Gosh though, it was sure nice to never have felt the pain of this last year before.

So anyway, that's that. I made it through Christmas, just like all of you said I would. I have two days before my surgery (if AF cooperates, and that remains to be seen). I'm going to force myself into a non-TTC/non-lady parts post tomorrow if I can.

I have a bit more cleaning to do and then I'm going to get caught up for ICLW.

A Gift from a Dear Friend

I'm trying not to dwell on things. Whatever will be will be and I can't change AF. So, I'm turned my thoughts to something else...

Yesterday I received something that was so thoughtful and kind, I wanted to talk about it a bit.

I've been trying to think of small ways to help get myself through tough times (aside from medication or too much chocolate, of course). I bought an angel ornament for our tree that says "watch over us" a few weeks ago. I love our tree and often look at that angel. It can represent anyone that we love who is no longer with us, or one of our three angels that we lost this year. I was trying to think of something to get for myself (aside from the ornament) to serve the same purpose. It came today in the mail.

It's a simple but perfect bracelet with a heart charm. One side says "hope" and the other, "joy". I have no idea how she knew that this would be just perfect. I'm going to wear it this holiday season and look to it as a way to keep myself grounded. I need to still have hope. And, then I'm going to put it away.

I'll get it back out again when I get pregnant again. I know that it will be "when" and not "if". I need to always remember to have hope and from that, I'll find the joy that we so desperately are searching for. There's a little more to the gift story, but I'll keep it at that for now.

Thank you so much for this gift. One of the best things to come of this IF journey is to truly know who your friends are. Sometimes, the ones who understand the most are those you haven't even met. :)

Despair. Disbelief. Approaching Rage.

I've never really felt as though things came easy for me in life, whether it be money, grades, etc. That's just fine. That was one thing about Mr SC that was so different when I met him. Falling in love with him and our relationship was just so easy.

It seems though, that the powers that be perhaps think we shouldn't be together. We have faced crazy, ridiculous challenges since we have been together. Let's see...obviously there's the IF stuff and the three miscarriages this year. DH had two surgeries and he was out of work for nearly a year. Then, he was cleared to go back to work and got laid off two weeks later. Sure, that's the economy and I'm glad I have a full time job and we have a roof over our heads. Add the fire at our house and the flood that followed a month later and it's been an uphill challenge for us. I'm glad things have made us stronger instead of pushing us apart.

So, imagine my surprise when I actually Oed early this month. My RE wanted me to have a hysterscopy and it originally looked like it was going to happen on 1/6, meaning I would miss three more school days this year (I've already missed 12 since August). I Oed early, and because my LP is always 12 days or under, that cleared the way for surgery on 12/30, over my winter break (I'm a teacher). Not the best way to ring in the new year but hey, I was glad. I caught a break!

Looks like that's not going to happen. STILL no AF. I've spotted a tiny bit for the last couple of days, but other than that, NOTHING. I am so incredibly angry. I am just in such a state of disbelief. Perhaps this is some sort of sign from my body...hey Kelly, don't mess with your lady parts. You aren't meant to reproduce. If you didn't get the hint from the three miscarriages, here's the reminder.

Merry Fucking Christmas. That's right. I didn't even try to censor it. I'm sorry if that offends you, but that's just the tip of the expletive iceburg for me today, my friends.

If You Need Someone...

These next few days may end up being tough for many of us for a variety of reasons. All of us need to do what we need to do to survive them, in as painfree a way as possible.

Don't feel badly about blogging/venting. No need for apologies or to feel guilty. That's why we're all here. Reach out to someone if you need to also. I have a few people on standby speed text for emergencies. :)

Happy holidays to everyone... or as Dawn said, have the happiest holiday possible.

(((HUGS)))

I'm Trying

It felt weird to type that. I don't meant TTC, I just mean to deal with all of this.

I'm a teacher and today was my last day of school until 1/4. That's fantastic (other than the two bags of work I brought home, but that's another whole thing).

The last two days I just feel like a nasty bitch. Gee thanks for the Xmas gift, AF! I'm trying. Truly I am. I just am so disgusted. I don't even want to know what I'd be feeling like without the Lexap.ro.

I am so over all of this holiday crap. The only thing I want is to see my mom, who lives two hours away. Looks like there's going to be freezing rain and that's not going to be happening. I have all these presents that I suppose people will be offended if I don't wrap. I'm not a very good "faker", so plastering a smile on my face just won't cut it.

I know I wanted to O early and to have my hysterscopy on 12/30 instead of 1/6 so I don't have to miss any more work. I got that wish. I'm not looking forward to all the appointments and testing that go along with it. I'm not looking forward to ushering in 2010 recovering from surgery. Interesting that in my 35 years I never had surgery, until 2009. Thanks, lady parts! Now I have three under my belt. I'm glad I don't have to deal with any of this with school, but I'm just dreading every second of it. I just want something to look forward to.

The worst part is the injections...for any of you who do this (whether it be triggers, or Lovenox), any tips? I have an appointment to learn how to give them to myself before my surgery (6 days total). I'm freaked out. I keep thinking of my grandmother. She was diabetic and died in 1985 (shut up to any of you who weren't born yet!). I was in 5th grade. She gave herself injections every day. I remember vividly I was with her once when I was sick and didn't want to take my medicine. She started to cry and told me to take it, that I should be thankful that when I take medicine it makes me better. She was right, and I did get better. She didn't get better. Complications from her diabetes are what killer her. I hope that I have her strength to do this. The thought is just so overwhelming to me. I hope that these injections, and the injections when I get my BFP again will make it better.

Welcome, ICLW!

Thanks for stopping by! You'll learn some more about me and my journey through TTC and RPL on the right.

I'm looking forward to reading your blogs! Happy Holidays!

Maybe There's a Reason

I'm not one of those people who thinks there's necessarily a reason for "everything", but for what we've endured this year, perhaps there is.

It's actually laughable to think that the pain of our three miscarriages in seven months this year hasn't significantly changed me. This whole TTC journey has. I'm not the same woman that I was or that Mr SC married. He's not the same either. I'm thankful on a daily basis that so far, it hasn't torn us apart but has brought us closer together.

The experience of IF and miscarriage is different for a woman though, isn't it? I think because of those differences, the lessons this has taught me are different.

2009 has definitely changed the way I look at the world. It's not through slightly rose-colored glasses anymore. I always considered myself to be a non-judgemental and sensitive person, but perhaps I was kidding myself. I look at people differently, whether it's a relative, a friend, my husband or even my students.

Day after day, I would put on my best face and try to go to school and teach my high school students. I did this while I was pregnant those three times. I did this while I was paralyzed every single day that I'd be losing the baby, again. I did this every day while I was spotting and was assured, from numerous u/s, that everything was "ok" (at first). I still did a half decent job. My students didn't know what happened. Sure, they may have been able to tell that something was wrong or that I wasn't myself. There were many days that I stayed home. However, more days than not, I braved school simply because I had to.

Now I look at the student in class who doesn't seem quite themselves and wonder why. What's going on behind their eyes that no one else can see? Are they enduring pain? Is there something other than the swine flu panic at my school that was keeping them home or preventing them from doing their work?

Or the woman in the store with a pregnant belly. Most times, I'm ok with this (although sometimes I have moments of weakness). I don't know what they had to endure to get to that point. Did they experience losses, like me? Have they been TTC for years and finally, after all of the testing and treatments, did they get their miracle?

I've truly come to realize that you never really know what's going on behind the smile.

UPDATE to the update. ACK!!

The nice update from yesterday is below.

My RE called me this morning. Looks like I'm the first surgery of the day on the 30th. Yay. That's not update-worthy though. She called because she wants me to be taking injectable blood meds for six total days for the surgery because of my Factor V. I have to give them to myself and I'm learning how on the 28th. I knew this would be coming when I get my BFP again, but WHOA! I know it's what I have to do, but it's making me uneasy. I'm also confused, since when I had my last D&E (wow that sounds like I'm a regular) they said the Factor V didn't make them need to do anything differently. Hmm..
______________________________________________________________

I had my pre-op appointment today with my RE. I was initimidated by the large hospital at first but immediately felt better when I saw the enormous Christmas tree in the lobby, all decked out in PSU ornaments and blue and white fun stuff.

Anyway, the results from my 12 vials of blood came back and all was fine. Of course, I still have what was found before (details on the right) but I'm so glad everything else looked good. I still have to get my CD3 drawn, but that was done last December and my numbers were good.

It was nice to get a little good news for once!

Why today?

This isn't usually something that bothers me. I even got good news today at the doc so I don't know why it matters. It does. Why are pregnant women everywhere I look? One of the men that coaches with Jason has a very pregnant wife. I'd imagine I'd look like that now if I hadn't lost #2. I wonder if the same thoughts are going through MR SC's head.

Valued Blogger

I was awarded with the brand new Valued Blogger award by an amazing woman and blogger, Katie, at From IF to When: My Journey from Infertility to Motherhood. I was so happy to have "met" her on the TTC boards last year. She's always offered me strength and support in this journey, even when going through her own struggles. Even though we've never "met" officially, it's so comforting to know that she's always there. Reading her blog and knowing how it helped her deal with IF is one of the reasons why I started blogging myself. I'm so glad I did!

This award is not like all of the other blog awards because we all want to not only know about you, but your opinion of your fellow bloggers. The rules are:
1. Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or shy as you like.
2. Pick 3-5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly it is you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. This is a chance to really appreciate your blog friends who have been there with and for you through thick and thin.
3. Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded.

I've selected bloggers who haven't already been awarded this award.. :)

My award goes to:

1. Noelle, at The Desire of my Heart. One of the reasons why I enjoy reading Noelle's blog is for her pure honesty. She writes from her heart about what she's feeling and sometimes, those thoughts aren't pretty. Guess what though? That's ok. Reading her posts makes me feel a little less alone in dealing with RPL. On some days, those thoughts have helped get me through. She's always able to offer supportive words for others even when she's dealing with so much on her own. Thank you, Noelle.

2. Elizabeth, at Where the Wright Day Takes You. Elizabeth's blog is one that is often raw and full of emotion. She's shown such strength in dealing with IF, even though she may not feel that way about herself. Through her words shines a tender, caring woman. She also offers other thoughts in her posts, which I love reading also. Thanks, Elizabeth.

3. Katie, at My Crazy, Fabulous Life. This one's going to be tough to write. I "met" Katie last year on the TTC boards. In many ways, I feel like we're a lot alike and that we've known each other forever. We're both social studies teachers, we both love football (sorry that her team is horrible this year!) and I've always felt if we lived closer, she'd be the kind of woman that I could call at the last minute, head to Target, and have a great time.

If I'm being honest though, I'm a little more distant and disconnected from Katie's blog than I'd like to be. It's a super blog about her pregnancy mainly, and is the kind of blog that reads like I imagine Katie would talk. While I'm so incredibly happy for her though, it's painful to read. Shortly after my 2nd BFP, Katie found out she was pregnant too. I remember it was right around Mother's Day. She said how it was the best Mother's Day ever. I replied that no, next year would be. Her baby girl is on the way soon and her and S will be amazing parents but reading her posts is bittersweet because it reminds me so much of all I've lost. I'm sorry for that. I hope she knows how much I care about her even though it may not seem like it sometimes.

So if you get the chance, check out these blogs written by these amazing women. Each of them have helped me tremendously, whether they realize it or not.

Dear Husband, Meet My Blog

It's been on the tip of my tongue so many times to tell you about this and to explain, yet I haven't and I'm not sure why. You've been so supportive of me through all of this. You let me do whatever I need to do to try and heal, so it doesn't make sense that I haven't shared this with you. Well, now's the time that I do.

So this is my blog. It's where I write to try to work through what I'm feeling. Mostly it's about our losses but sometimes, other parts of me shine through too. Although in my head, I feel defined so much by what we've lost, I know that I'm about so much more than that. Blogging helps me try to get that back. I started because the message boards I used to frequent have helped. Then I met the F.A.B. Five and it helped even more . One of them has a fabulous blog (well, we all do now but her blog I remember first) and it's helped her. I thought, why not? And here I am.

Please don't think that I turn here because I need something more than you can give me. That's not true at all. In fact, it's the opposite. I feel so lost. I miss the woman that I used to be and, although you reassure me almost daily that I shouldn't be worried about this, I worry that you miss her too. I burden you with so much. You never know if I'm going to be sad or happy and try so hard to make everything just right for me that I fear it often makes you exhausted. You are the most amazing man for so many reasons, reasons that I can't even articulate. The simple word "love" doesn't even come close to doing justice how I feel about you.

I remember or wedding vows so vividly...I vowed to cherish you as my partner in life, to laugh with you and to cry with you, and to love you more each day than the day before. All of these things are true for me and I know they remain true for you also. We just didn't anticipate this. We didn't anticpate the pain and the empty arms that eat away at us. I just pray that you never see me as a failure. I pray that you know that I would give almost anything to make this all go away and to fix it all, because the only thing that makes it hurt more is to know how much it hurts you. That thought nearly kills me.

So there it is. Read this whenever you want. Or not. That's up to you. I thought though that it was time for a long, overdue introduction.

I love you with all my heart.

Oooh! I almost forgot. Everyone knows you here as either DH (dear husband) or Mr SC (short for Mr. Sweet Cheeks!)

Don't Be Proud of Me

I relapsed.

I'm writing this from my couch today. I'm staying home.

My new approach lasted all of a week. I had a really rough night last night. It started out because I was excited that I was going to be able to have surgery over my winter break from school and I didn't want to miss a string of three more days.

Then I thought...what?? I'm not even really looking forward to Christmas like I usually am. The tree, lights, etc are fine. It's those at home moments with my husband or my family that are going to be tough. I should be about to give birth, I thought. Oh yeah, or I should have a newborn. Or I should be able five months pregnant.

See how messed up it is? I don't even know what I should be upset about.

I realized I'm not looking forward to Christmas. Not really jazzed about buying gifts as I usually am. NOPE. I just want time off from work. Then I thought, shit. I have to have surgery. This is what I wanted though, isn't it?

It was all a downward spiral from there. I sobbed, again. I tried to explain to Mr SC just how tired I am of people asking me what I want for Christmas. I wish I could really tell them what I want...and this is what I would say.

Well, thanks for asking. I don't want any sort of material things. I dont' need anything. But, since you asked and seem to need an answer:
1. I want to know what the hell is wrong with my body
2. I want to have the motivation to lose weight. Yet, since I hate my body so much right now, I have no will to do something about it.
3. I want to stop bleeding midcycle, right around O time. Yes, that's right. It's almost like a light day of AF. Then it stops. That's sure great for babymaking. Oh right. We're on a break. (Gosh that sounds like Ross and Rachel)
4. Speaking of DTD, I don't want to have to use protection with my husband. I can't go back on BCP because of my clotting disorder, or I would. I said last night that I feel like two strangers that just met at a bar. Isn't not having to use those things one of the perks of being married??
5. I want to not have this be so much freaking effort. Sure, I had be clean from crying for a week. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard. It's just so much freaking work every day. (I'm not making light of addiction here, believe me. My aunt is an addict and has been clean for eight years. I know the hell she has been through)
6. But REALLY what I want is to be holding the newborn in my arms that I should have right now. I want to be doing all of that baby's first Christmas stuff.

I guess I'm going to be making that call to my doctor to look into anti-depressants after all.

Disclaimer: I know how to write properly (you know, grammar and all that stuff). Sometimes when I blog I purely write my thoughts. Since they are fragmented thoughts, they are often posted as fragments. I'm sorry if this bothers you.

Another Two-Parter!

The first part though is non-TTC. Proud of me?

I love being a teacher and I love it even more on days like today. We had a two hour delay. YAY! Mr SC got up and drove me to school and before he did, he shoveled a little path around the car so I wouldn't have to walk in the snowy glop. :) I'm also looking forward to the weekend. MIL is taking me shopping for Christmas. I'm glad, since I need some new clothes!

And now, of course, is the TTC part. Sorry, folks. I'm trying!
I'm soon close to O day. I'm REALLY hoping it comes before Sunday, which means I can have surgery over break and won't miss any more days of school. I hate that we can't try. My RE asked if we were going to this cycle. I said, um, can we? She said it would probably be better to wait but that decision was up to us.

Well, that was an earth-shattering, exciting post. :)

Parts One and Two

I had vowed to deviate from the TTC posts but I have a little to say, so...this post will be Part One and Part Two

P1... (TTC)
I'm doing fairly well. I haven't cried in three days (yes, I'm really counting) and it's super tough, but I'm doing better. I'm forcing myself when I have to but that's ok. I just wish this journey wouldn't be as it is, as if any of us really think it's a "journey". This whole TTC thing (whether it's losses, failed IUIs or IVF, etc) just plain old sucks. The word "journey", to me, is about getting to that end point but knowing that there is an end point. What if I don't ever get my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? (Ok, I know...cheesy analogy. That's fine. I'll live with that.)

P2...non TTC
Things that make me happy:
1. Christmas lights. I LOVE them. I love to randomly take drives (gas prices, be damned!) and ooh and ah over them. On Sunday night, we drove almost two hours to see a famous street with Christmas lights. All of the homes on the street (with a live manger scene at the end) have been participating for 54 years! It was fun.
2. Coffee. Not that I'm one of those people in the morning who is pretty much set on "vibrate" but it's sooo good. I need cream and sugar, of course. I have two cups in the AM and that's it but ooooh yum!
3. Bad, horrible, guilty pleasures TV. I don't read guilty pleasure books but I definitely watch them on TV. Here's my confession to shows that I will watch (not all the time or religiously or anything...) Some of them are even more embarassing considering that I'm 35 years old!
-The Hil.ls
-Rock of Lo.ve
-Youn.g and the Rest.less
-Gene.ral Hosp.ital
-America.n Idol
-Parent.al Control
4. When Mr SC makes my lunch or cleans the house.
5. As a teacher, the possibility of a two hour delay!

What's on your list?

I'm So Over It

I don't know if I'll ever truly be over what we've been through this year, but I'm so over being sad/mopey/depressed/cloudy/all consumed with my grief.

Something clicked in my head on Thursday when I was with my therapist. She suggested I look into anti-depressants. I took a long, hard look at myself and our current state and I didn't like what I saw. I know there are many, many things over which I have no control. However, there are things that I can control and there are many, many things that I'm blessed with. I don't want to travel down that path so I'm going to fight to regain my emotional well-being, just like I'm going to fight to find out what's wrong with me and fight to maintain a pregnancy and carry to term.

I'm not against anti-depressants and please don't get me wrong, I'm not judging anyone who takes them. I feel as though I "need" one of my mini- chill pills on occasion. I just realized that if I can't regain myself now, what happens when I am pregnant again? What happens when I need to cope and don't want to take pills? These thoughts made me realize that I don't need medication like my therapist suggested. If I did, I don't think that I'd be feeling this way.

So that's that. We have to take off until February. Yes, I have a great deal to deal with and a great deal to be anxious about. However, every second that I cry or lay on my couch or play entirely too many games of Bejewel.ed Blitz, it's a second of my life that I've wasted. Life is too short and too precious to do that.

I'm going to take a bit of inspiration from my friend R, who is going to be blogging about other things and changing her focus while on a "break". Thanks for the great idea!

Obsessing

I'm a fairly take-charge kind of person. I like to gather information and take action. I consider those things personal strengths. I'm also impatient. I'm getting better at it, but it's something that I've been trying to work on.

So, as you can imagine, all of this TTC bull is difficult. Nope, I never thought I'd be one of those people who'd get pg right away. Really, I didn't. I'm glad I set things in motion yesterday with my RE visit. I really am.

The waiting now? Until January to know everything? Um, yeah. I'm not doing well with that. I want to be able to do something.

I started obsessing today. I'm trying not to but hey, at least I'm not upset I suppose. I called my OBGYN out of curiosity to find out my CD3 b/w from Dec 2008. I have it somewhere but for the life of me, I can't find it. Anyway, the nurse gave me the info. She then said I can't find your estradiol results. I'll give you a call back if they ran that test.

Well, that did it. My FSH was 5.5 last year. I thought that was pretty good for being 34. Then I went to Dr. Google and read that in some cases, your FSH can be normal because it's suppressed by abnormal estradiol. Those two tests together can determine egg quality best.

Of course, now I think I've found the reason for my losses. It must be that I have bad eggs, which is one of the things that can't really be "fixed" without donor eggs or IUI or IVF to help things.

You may suggest to try to keep myself busy?? Oh yes, I was trying to. I did all of this fun stuff during school today!

I Survived! :)

So after the mess I was last night and today, I survived!

I felt comfortable with my new RE. She seemed very thorough. Right now, I'm scheduled for a hysteroscopy either 12/30 or 1/6 to remove fibroids/polyps. I believe there are two. At the post op appointment following my surgery, I'll then have the full panel of the results from the 12 vials of blood they took from me today. We'll be off this cycle (which we already knew) and January also. We can be back in the swing of things in February, with plan.

Thank you all so much for all of your kind words of encouragement. They helped me tremendously!

No One Gets It

So I'm alone tonight. Mr SC has practice and then other things to do. So now I get to blog about my issues. I sure wish that I felt like a normal person that didn't just wallow in my pathetic state.

I truly feel like no one IRL really gets it. I guess that's why I turn here. All of us are carrying around this IF burden, primarily alone. That just plain old sucks. I have my RE appointment tomorrow and I'm scared out of my mind. Scared to have to deal with it. Scared to not have any freaking clue of what I'm going to have to deal with. Scared to have more poking and prodding. Scared that something is seriously wrong with me. Well, you know, beyond the three miscarriages thing. I don't remember if I had said this at any point before...I never even had a cavity. Never broke a bone. I only got chicken pox when I was 29. My D&Es were my only experience with medical procedures and being in the hospital.

I tried to talk to Mr SC. To him, it's just a doctor's appointment and I don't have anything to worry about yet. I wish for me it were that easy.

I dont' want to deal with any of this. I don't want to wait anymore to try. I don't want to have more instruments inside me, twisting and turning to see things. I don't want to miss more work. I'm 35 years old. I just want to be a normal person who can have a healthy baby. From the three very pregnant skanky (sorry, they are...not because they're young and pregnant, just because they are) girls in the high school where I teach, I didn't think that was anything too difficult. I guess I was wrong.

My Freakin' Mind Today

is mush. Just pure mush. All of these thoughts today came crashing in my brain at once.

First, I had a dream though that my boss fired me because I was missing too much time from work. He's very supportive and knows what's going on, so I know that's not going to happen, but obviously I'm stressed about it.

During the drive to work...
1. Shit. I should be home today. WITH A NEWBORN.
2. Ugh. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.

At school...
1. Shit. I shouldn't have completely relaxed over my break so I would have some clue what I was doing today.
2. Crap. I have to call my hematologist to fax over their report to my new RE.
3. What kind of freak am I that I'm seeing all these doctors that most people (well, outside of the IF circle) don't even know what they do? Seriously?

While on the phone...
1. HOLY F*CK. I see an RE on Thursday.
2. How much time and I going to be out from school for the testing?
3. What else will they find wrong with me?
4. God I have to go to the bathroom. I feel sick to my stomach.
5. Guess I better get ready to get off the denial train once again.

My brain is on absolute overdrive. My mini chill pill helped matters, but seriously.

Then Mr SC called just to talk to me because he missed me. I took a deep breath and that helped a bit.

How Will You Survive the Holidays?

I'm really trying to take some time to think about this. I absolutely love Christmas. My favorite part is all of the decorations/lights. I just love it. As much as I'm hurting right now, I've pledged to not let TTC rob me of enjoying it.


Mr SC and I started TTC in July 2008 but last year, the holidays weren't bad. I never really caught myself thinking oh, I should be pregnant by now or anything like that. This year though, I should be doing all of the "Baby's First Christmas" stuff, or at least be ready to pop or be well into my 2nd trimester.


The following is what I've come up with so far about how I'm going to try to cope. Any thoughts/advice/comments are welcome. I guess that's obvious, since I'm blogging about it.



1. Do what I can and only what I can. If I'm having a bad day, screw it. I'm not going to go through the motions.



2. I'm not doing anything I don't feel I can do. Thankfully, even though Mr SC has a very large family, they don't have many set traditions for Christmas. The only one is at his mother's house on Christmas Eve. It's huge. Mr SC will be hurt if I don't go. I'm going to try. Perhaps medication will help me with this. I don't know. When I need to leave though, I'm going home. I should be able to slip away easily, as about 20 people attend the chaotic, but fun, festivities. The length of my stay will depend in large part on if my SIL is there with newborn. (I'm not meaning to be repetitive, but for those who don't know the background, it's the SIL who had the same EDD as me from my first loss and gave birth on the day of my D&E from my 3rd loss).

3. No stockings this year from "Santa". It just reminds me that there should be one extra there that isn't.

Not much of a list yet, I know. It's a work in progress. That's where you come in.

What do you do to help yourself cope with the holidays?

Thank You

everyone for all of your kind words over the last few days. They meant a great deal to me.

Mr SC and I got through these last few days. I'm really glad we got away for a few days. It's still tough and it still absolutely sucks, but we're getting through it.

We got our tree today. It's all decorated with lights, balls and ribbon. The rest of the house though looks like a Christmas decoration store threw up all over the place. We'll get to the rest at some point.

The only really horrible part today was when I found our stockings. We always hang them up empty (including two for each pooch) until "Santa" comes. We decided not to hang them this year. It was too tough thinking that there is one that is missing.

I hope that everyone who celebrates enjoyed Thanksgiving.

I Miss You

November 25 will never be the same for me. It's the date that's haunted me for months, the date that I wish I could just sleep away and skip. It's my first EDD.

I know with certainty that nothing in my life will ever compare to the emotions I felt the day I saw that first BFP. It was such a mix of pure joy and excitement. I can still remember pacing throughout the house as I was shaking, waiting for Mr SC to come home so I could share with him the amazing news. We were both ecstatic and immediately started dreaming about what our life would be like. I started looking at all things baby online and got myself a cutie little ticker on thebu.mp.com. We drove to my mom's house, stopping at Targ.et along the way to get our baby "supplies" tell her. That night was almost magical for us.

All too soon, it was over. We shortly found out that my SIL was pregnant too, with the same EDD as me. She ended up delivering prematurely last month, the same day as my D&E for my 3rd loss.

This day will never be the same for me, just as my life has been forever changed.

I never got to know my little angel. I don't know if our little one was a boy or a girl or if she would have had green eyes like her mommy or amazing blue eyes like his daddy.

What I do know is I never thought I would experience such pain again in my life as I did when I miscarried in March. I was wrong. Our next two losses over the next few months have damaged me so deeply. The grief is, at times, competely unbearable. It turns me into a woman I don't like very much.

So my little angel, on this day that was supposed to be your birthday, I just need to tell you that I miss you so much. I never said those words out loud to you before because I knew I didn't need to. You've seen my tears too many times and my pain is evident to anyone who knows me. Today though, I felt I had to. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you or dream about what it would have been like to hold you in my arms. I hope, one day, I'll get to do just that. Until then, know that your mommy and daddy miss you so very much.

It's Almost Time

to get away! This is exactly why I wanted to go away somewhere with Mr SC. I have something to look forward to.

This weekend was tough. I stayed on Saturday and on Sunday I went to see my parents. My mom gets it. So does my stepfather. My aunt came also, who I used to be very, very close with. I felt badly that I wasn't much fun. It was so difficult though to watch my mom with my niece (who my aunt brought). She's five and all I kep thinking of was if my mom would ever get to play with her granddaughter, or if that chance died when we lost my little girl.

Thanks to all of your kind words from my earlier post. It made me feel so much better. I'm going to be a bad ICLWer this week. We're heading away tomorrow and 10:30 and won't be home until Thursday night. I'm NOT taking my laptop. :) I have a post that I'm working on for 11/25, but that's easy to post from my phone.

This Is Going to Be Harder Than I Thought

I certainly hope that today isn't a preview of coming attractions, but I think that's probably going to be the case. Gosh I can't wait to escape from reality on Tuesday and get away.

My friend, Katie, described it best. I feel like I've turned into "Emo Kelly". Seriously, Katie. You should get a patent on that or something.

I knew these next few days would be tough. This morning I decided to get my ass out of bed and go to Wegm.ans and Targ.et. Seriously, what could be bad at either of those places?? Well, I saw countless (literally, I stopped counting) pregnant women in all shapes and sizes. There were also several infants. Usually I'm good at not allowing these things to bother me. Today they did.

The worst of it though came in the car on the way down. Effing radio. There's this song by an artist that I don't particularly like, that evokes a great deal of emotion in me. It was playing a few years ago when I got the call that one of my very dear friends was in a serious car accident. She's fine, but even without the emotions I'm experiencing now, it's tough for me to listen to. I don't know why I just didn't turn the damn station.

~Tears stream, down your face, as you lose something you cannot replace.~

Yep. That was it for me. I was on the interstate and had to get off at the closest exit and uncontrollably sob. I tried to call Mr SC but he's running a tournament today. I didn't expect him to pick up. So, there I sat until I was finished sobbing. It didn't matter how satisfied I may have been with my appearance when I left my house (You know what I mean. I'm not saying I think I'm a hottie. I'm not. But, when the "primping" is done, it's that feeling you get when you glance that one last time and think, ok, that's what it's going to be today). I was a puffy, red. blotchy mess. The only saving grace was that I didn't see anyone I knew.

I'm not going out in public for several days.

Welcome, ICLW!

Hi everyone! Thanks for stopping by! You can read a bit more about our TTC journey on the right and a little more about "me" in general (what? there's more to me than TTC for 14 cycles and my 3 losses??) here.

Although TTC hasn't been necessarily "fun" (ok, well, other than the DTD part!), there are two wonderful things that have come of it. First, I truly think that it's brought DH (who I refer to as Mr SC) and I closer. It also has led me to *meet* and develop an amazing support system of women who truly understand what I'm going through. That, to me, is a tremendous comfort.

Um...

I have to post this and get this out. I can't talk about it or share it with anyone, so here I am.

My freaking mind is a mess right now. I am trying desperately not to think about the date, because then I automatically think...oh, it's 11/20. I was due in five days. I actually went out tonight with a group of friends for dinner/drinks. I haven't gone out much. It's the fear of leaving my controlled environment. I just moved out here two and a half years ago, so the chances of running in to someone I know are small. I'm sure you're sensing a but...

The office woman from my OBGYN was there. The one who frantically tried to get me an u/s appointment after my first prenatal visit and the u/s that was supposed to be joyous that wasn't. The one the next day that saw Mr SC at the doctor's office and told him how sorry she was (heck, she knew me by first name I'd been in and out so much since March with my pgs and losses), that she thought about us all night. With her was the only woman in the office who can successfully draw my blood. The one that cheered me on when I would get my HCG checked. The one who watched me break down on more than one occasion because I was so scared. They didn't say anything to me, which I was thankful for. What would they say? Hey, how are you? After I got over that, it was an ok night.

I'm so glad that Mr SC and I were careful this month. Even though the hematologist was great, I still have the RE visit and the more complete testing that I want. Oh yeah, there was that one time that we weren't...3 or 4 days before I Oed. I truly didn't think I was anywhere close to Oing so I hadn't been concerned. I hadn't been concerned. That is, until today. I hope this is just my effed up mind playing games with me.

If Looks Could Say WTF???

My hematologist had it all over his face today...WTF??? What a sweet, sweet man. He walked in with my reports and said so, nice to meet you, etc etc, I have your labs here and I've reviewed them. You had trouble with a miscarriage and you'd like some help with answers? I said well, yes, but I actually had three miscarriages (his face fell a little) since March of this year (and I swear he had to will his jaw to stay in place).

Anyway, he's recommending heparin injections when I get my BFP. He's passing on the report to my new RE and also my old gyno. He told me that if I met any resistance for whatever reason from these doctors, call him and he'd find me one that would make sure I'd follow the protocol.

One down, one more to go...12/3 to the RE.

Not So Much

I pride myself in being "with it". Together. Sometimes people say I'm high-strung. I take that as a compliment. I'm always on the go and always have 30 thousand thoughts in my head.

My 1st appointment with the hematologist is tomorrow afternoon. I thought I was fine. I mean, sure, when I talk about things I literally get sick to my stomach and must find a bathroom. Pronto. While I'm taking care of business though, I can talk myself down, and then I'm fine. In private, if I need time to get my head back in the game, I do it. Then I'm fine.

But I guess I'm not. First, I screwed up a bill of ours majorly. I don't do that. The repo man isn't coming or anything, but still.

Second, I lost a set of my students' papers. They're gone. I tore apart my classroom and Mr. SC helped me. Nothing. It was just worksheet, but still.

And now today. I left my effing PURSE at SCHOOL. I packed up, walked out of the building and drove home. I'm a female. Who the hell forgets their purse?

Perhaps I'll take the Ata.van now.

Blog Award from Noelle!

Thank you so much for this award, Noelle! When I read your blog, I am so moved by your honesty and candidness. You have the courage to say things that many do not. It is for those reasons that in your words, I find strength.

The rules for this award are simple. I LOVE YOU equals 8 letters which gives you 8 rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you write a little bit about why you love them.

2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4-Nominate no more than 17 people (why 17?) who you love or you think could use some love

5-Write one word (you can only use a word once) about what you love about their blog.

6-You cannot nominate someone who has already been nominated-the love has to spread to all.

7-Post links to the 17 blogs you nominate.

8-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.


I pass the love on to the following:
Katie, Katie, Rita, and Jen Ladies, I can honestly say I don't know what I would have done without each of you these past few months. Each of you has touched my life in a different way and for that, I'm thankful.

Thanks, Katie!!

So the rules for Kreativ Blogger are:

1. List 7 things about myself others might not know.

2. Award 7 people with the award.

Thanks for tagging me, Katie, for this award!

1. I play the trumpet.

2. I was a vegetarian for 13 years.

3. I love to watch dumb shows on M.TV. The H.ills, Paren.tal Control, Disa.ster Date, MT.V
Cribs... and I can't forget about Rock of Love on Vh.1

4. My husband is a hunter. I AM NOT. The first time I ever touched and shot a gun (just as a
hey, why not kind of thing) I hit a dead bulls-eye from about 200 yards.

5. I was four when my parents divorced and five when my stepfather adopted me. Because of
that, my paternal grandparents moved away and did not contact me. I was lucky enough to
"re-meet" my maternal grandmother five years ago and got to know her before she died.

6. I can speak Spanish and French. I'm not fluent or anything, but I could easily get around in
France and hope to be able to do the same in Spain one day.

7. I am a huge football and politics geek. I won my Fantasy Football and Fantasy Congress
leagues last year. Yes, seriously.

Ok...I tag Katie, Noelle, Michelle, LaShawn, Alice, Jenn, and Em. Have fun!!

What Should I Do?

I am beyond frustrated and didn't know where to turn. I thought here might be good because of all of your experience.

So I finally called the peri's office. I've been waiting for a week to hear from them. The nurse says yes, we have your files but there's a note here that for RPL we'd like you to see an RE and not the perinatologist. So now I have to wait for the RE division to get my files to get an appointment.

It's been a week. I've have THREE miscarriages since March. I don't want to fuck.ing WAIT ANYMORE! I WANT SOMEONE TO HELP ME.

So I called the doctor who wanted me to see the peri and left her a message. Now I'm waiting for her to call me back also. I asked the nurse who took my message if she knew of any other peris or REs in the area that they work with and she said no.

I was already reluctant, even before this waiting crap, to go to the place where they referred me. It's well known and a successful place, but they're known for being impersonal, etc. Who knows when I would even get in there??

What should I do? I'm so beyond frustrated. I'm in school and am supposed to be functional and I'm not. As if this week isn't already bad enough. There's a part of me that wants to make an appointment with the fertility clinic in Maryland that's a two hour drive and say screw it. The doctor that I had my consult with before my D&E had said that's where he always refers people (and never to the place I'm waiting to hear back from).

This all may sound trivial and I'm sorry if it does. I'm just fucki.ng DONE. At least if I had an appointment somewhere I'd feel like I was making some sort of progress. I"m worried too that I'm going to need surgery to have fibriods removed, which would push back TTC even further (thanks to Dr. Google, 4-6 MORE MONTHS!) They weren't visible on an u/s in July and in September they were. I just feel like the clock is ticking and I want to try to get somewhere, at some point.

Am I Being Unreasonable?

My follow-up appointment after my D&E was last Tuesday. At that appointment, my OBGYN said she wanted me to see a perinatologist. She thought this was a good fit for me because not only could they manage a high-risk pregnancy (when/if I get there) but could also see me BEFORE I get pregnant to help me maintain a pregnancy. She referred me to a large, well-known location. This was all Tuesday afternoon.



I called my doctor on Wednesday afternoon to see if my office had called the new office to get me scheduled. They hadn't yet and faxed over my records to them on Wednesday afternoon. My current doctor explained that the clinic's protocol is to review records and then schedule with the specialist. They said I should hear something "in a couple days". Friday afternoon when I hadn't heard from the new place, I called my dr who called them. My office told me that their regular scheduler was out until Monday and I should hear something then.



Well guess what? I haven't heard anything yet. I hate this. I'm about a week away from AF in the 1st cycle after my m/c. I knew it could take a little while to get in to see the specialist. Now I'm just sort of like...WTF? I'm 35 and now I've lost a week. My clock is ticking even louder.



Am I being unreasonable?? Should I call my doctor again tomorrow afternoon and see what's up? Should I write off the new place and ask for a referral to go elsewhere? OR, should I just calm my silly self down?? Thoughts?

Does Your Significant Other Know...

about your blog?

It's been on the tip of my tongue to tell him, I just haven't. I haven't hid it from him or anything, I'm just hesitant that he won't understand. I'm not sure why I feel this way. He's supportive of me and pretty much anything I need to do to get myself better after what we've endured. He's not as "involved" online as I am, although I told him about i.village and the wonderful women I've "met" there and stay in touch with off of the message boards.

I know it's a blog so it's not really private. Heck, I'm not sure if he'd even read it. It's just been something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

I also think instead of DH, I'm going to start referring to him as Mr. SC. SC is an abbreviation for a nickname he has for me.

The Last Time

So tomorrow DH got us tickets to the last home Penn State football game of the season. I was sooo excited all day; we just got the tickets as a last minute, surprise thing. We have awesome seats and I made all the food while DH worked on packing everything.

And then I remembered.

We went to two games earlier this year. The last game we went to, I was pregnant. It was right after we found out. I remember being bloated and so super hot in the sun and falling asleep in the car on the way home because I was so tired. We had plans to go to the homecoming game five weeks later. We talked about next football season and having a little one. We talked about how we might not get to any games next year and how that was ok. We talked about bringing home our LO from the hospital in a cute little PSU outfit. Even though we were both so positive, I remember walking to our seats thinking...I hope the next time we're here, I'm still pregnant. I tried to brush off the feeling, but DH knew I was distracted and asked what was wrong. I told him. He was reassuring and said all those things to make me feel better. We ended up cancelling our plans to go to the homecoming game. It was two days after my D&E.

I want to have fun tomorrow but that memory is still going to be in the back of my mind. Perhaps I need to pack extra alcohol in our bag for the pregame festitivies.

Don't feel sorry for me. I'm ok. I'm glad I thought of it now, when I was in the house by myself. He was so excited to take me to this game because he knew how happy I would be. And I will be. I need to be.

My State of Mind

So I'm feeling a little better. Things hit me on Tuesday like a ton of bricks. I didn't sleep on Tuesday night and didn't go to work on Wednesday. I'm a teacher. I can't fake the energy that I need or my emotional state. I refuse to break down in school so I stayed home.

I was bummed to bet a +OPK yesterday and I think today is my O day. I'm bummed because DH and I planned a romantic getaway and it's cutting it close whether AF will be in town for it. BOOO.

I have a bit of an update/vent. A little while back, I blogged about losing my friend and how I was torn up about it. When we had our m/c "scare" (before I actually m/c), she came to my house, called numerous times, etc. I told her (when I found out I was really m/c) that I just needed some space right now. Well guess what? It's now been almost a month and she literally has not spoken to me. I work with her. We exchange "hellos" in the hallway, but that's about it. WTF? I guess she's not as good as a friend as I thought. The worst part is, if/when she decides she is going to talk to me (I'm figuring it will turn into her confronting me about why I'm not talking to her), I know she'll be the one I take this all out on. I sound like I'm the one in high school now, creating this drama. But still.

Does Cost.co Sell Condoms??

I met with my doctor today. She thought it would be best to refer me elsewhere. She didn't want to start to run some of her own tests and then end up referring me somewhere anyway. I was a bit surprised at the next part...she's sending me to a perinatalogist and not the fertility clinic. She thinks this doctor and this field is better for me. She seemed positive and encouraging and thought this doctor would be able to find out just what's going on to get me to keep my BFP.

Get this though...when I googled my new doc, I found out he was Kate Gosse.lin's OB. Hmmm....

I'm waiting to see when my doctor's office could get me in. I said name the time and place and I'm there.

My doctor, Dr. R, strongly encouraged us to use birth control. I turned down the pill. I don't want any more hormones in my body for fear of them interfering with things when I have tests done. So, when we got in the car (DH went with me. He always does), we joked about if Cos.tco sold condoms. We knew they didn't, so we went to another store with a half decent selection. Wow! Tons of kinds to pick from! We tried to have fun and bought six different boxes and tried to make the trip fun. We'll see.

Everything went pretty much as I hoped, with the exception of one thing. My doctor told me that the tissue testing that was done after my D&E was all fine (meaning it wasn't a chromosome abnormality). Dr. R said it was tough to know for sure that there wasn't a translocation issue because there were female chromosomes and they could have easily been mine. Had they been male, well, then it would have been clear that all was fine genetically. My heart sank. All that I heard was...I lost a baby girl.

FML

I've always wanted to use FML. F*ck is my all-time fav expletive. I thought today would be appropriate. I still am going back and forth between feeling like crying hysterically and smashing something. I swear it's hormones. Now I'm pissed. I'm pissed that I have to deal with any of this shit.

So tomorrow is my post D&E appointment. Big deal, right? I've had two D&Es and three m/c, so it's sort of like old hat for me at this point.

The appointment is significant though for me because with it, I'm taking that step. No more not worrying about things. I'm putting it all out there for my doc. I'm 35. I've had three losses. I want every single test under the sun. Period. I know most of these will mainly be from b/w, but still. Denial has worked relatively well up until this point. Now I'm approaching the point of no return.

DH has a meeting Tuesday night (he coaches) so I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to google and update. Please wish me luck. I could use it.

Thank You, Retail Therapy!

I had a stupid mini-freakout yesterday. I feel like AF is coming to town (like a raging, bitchy woman for no reason) although I know for a fact she isn't...I haven't even Oed since the D&E. Anyway, DH asked what I needed. I whined that I wanted to be with him but I wanted to do something for ME. Not for us and not for him. ME. Aren't I such the nice person?

Anyway, I tried to get it out of my system yesterday, but looking at Seph.ora's website just doesn't cut it. You can't see or touch all the sparkly, shiny packaging. You can't smell all the glorious smells.

So, we hopped in the car and drove to the nearest location. It's just a little over an hour away. It's a TINY store. It's doesn't hold a candle really to the one in the Kin.g of Pru.ssia Mall, which is my favorite. But still, off we went.

I'm not usually a sucker for body washes, etc. I hate brand name B of the chain make-yourself-smell-like-a-combo-of-herbs-and-flowers-store. I LOVE though body wash, body scrub and body souffle that makes you smell like baked goods, but only in the fall and winter. SO...I now smell like a chocolate cupcake (courtesy of the scrub I brought, and deviated from my usual P brand of this stuff) and marshmallow, courtesy of the body souffle I bought. My dogs keep trying to lick my legs. DH licked my hand. I smell yummy and I love it. :)

An IF Public Service Annoucement

UGH!! It's only 11/7! Already?!?

Warning: Change your channel immediately for this one!

There's one of those K.ay Jewe.lers commercials for the holidays. It has a Christmas tree and a husband and a new mom rocking a baby. Husband gets out watch, I think, to give to his wife for their first Christmas together as a family. I'm not sure of all the details. I blocked it out.

I get pissed off though...I consider DH my family. DH and me. I don't need a baby to make us a family. So, people who are married and choose not to have children aren't a family? That just irritates me.

When I told DH that he needed to change the channel immediately from now on, he said oh, I know. I asked, "you know?" He replied, "yes". I asked what that meant. He said well, I knew that it would upset you and it upset me too.
I didn't have a good day yesterday and seeing this commercial didn't help, especially since I'm two weeks away from my first EDD and I really thought that that commercial would be DH, me and our LO this Christmas.

Introducing...Me!

Other than my bit of information on the right "About Me" and my "Our Story" about TTC, I never really offered an "introduction". I hate talking about myself (um, really? Aren't you blogging??) but I thought that it may be helpful for ICLW! So, here are a few things about me.

My rules are that they aren't TTC related. You can read about that elsewhere here.

1. I just turned 35. YIKES!
2. I'm a high school social studies teacher. I've been teaching for 12 years and love, love, love my job.
3. I'm a HUGE football fan. HUGE. Penn State, my alma mater, pretty much dictates my social calendar for the fall and once into the new year, when I was able to get to a bowl game (Capital One Bowl in 2003)
4. I love to travel but I don't get to do it as often as I like. I'm lucky to live on the east coast, so I've been to NYC, Philly and D.C. more times that I can count. I've only been to Europe once but I'd love to get back. We discovered the Outer Banks this summer (Hatteras Island...do you know the movie "Nights in Rodanthe" and that cool house? It was filmed there) and we hope to get back every summer. Those are just a few places I've been. My wish list? Hawaii and Spain.
5. I love to cook.
6. I have weight issues. Ok, I know that to look at me, some of you may not think so. However, I have hypothyroidism which makes it painfully difficult to lose weight. I pretty much look at food and gain a pound. I'm a size 12 now and would like to see that number go down to single digits. I had an eating disorder in college though (hello, size 2? I miss you!) so it's tough for me not to obsess about the weight stuff.
7. I love to read. The Kite Runner, She's Come Undone and East of Eden are some of my favs.
8. I used to play the trumpet and was pretty darn good. I quit because I didn't want the label of "band geek". How stupid of me.
9. I have two rescue dogs. Lewie is a black lab mix and Nittany is a yellow lab. She's our Dock Dog!
10. I love my husband. He's my rock. I don't know what I did or ever will do without him.
11. I'm huge political dork. One of my favorite nights is election night, where I have on two different TVs in my house and also have returns coming in on my computer. You can get county breakdown maps from individual state AS THEY COME IN! How cool is that?!?!
That's all I can think of for 6am. Perhaps there will be more later.

Why Can't I Just Be Normal?

I know, I know...there are those who will philosophize about the meaning of "normal" and say that abnormal is the true normal. Well, guess what? I disagree.

I never was normal. I could read at 3 1/2, pretty much all by myself without anyone teaching me. I've never had a cavity or broken a bone. I never even had chicken pox until I was 28. Those things though were "good" not normal. If I'm going to be so abnormal, why couldn't I get the Boardwalk piece for McDon.ald's Mono.poly? (Gasp! I'm fessing up! Sometimes nothing will cut it other than those fries!)

And now this.

All of us in this IF boat know the rest. I don't have to go on about oops babies. Wow, that's tough to just leave that sentence there without elaboration. Or those who TTC and have luck on the first try.

Where most of this came from today (since yesterday I was in such a *good* place) was a conversation a few of my senior students were having today in study hall. They were talking about dominant and recessive traits (I guess from biology class) and were talking about their babies one day and what they would be like. It was such a sweet and innocent conversation and I thought...hmm, you have no freaking clue. Of course they wouldn't.

I almost wish that I were never able to get pregnant in the first place. Then I wouldn't have to deal with these freaking losses and all the shit that comes with it. I hate the damn roller coaster. Yes, in many ways it's a relief to not deal with the anxiety daily but seriously...to be sooo high and come crashing down so hard and then be expected to function like a normal person. WTF is that?

So yes, it's nice to be able to breathe again for a bit. That will last for another 96 hours until my appointment with my OB/GYN.

I'm Enjoying Not Being Pregnant.

There. I said it. I know I broke every IF rule there is, but it's true.

That's not to say that I don't ever want to BE pregnant or that I don't wish that I were still were pregnant on a daily basis (I'd be in the 2nd trimester now, well, or 38 weeks, or well, 30 weeks, depending on which pregnancy you use). I'm not on edge every. second. of. the. day. I'm not a wreck every time I breathe. I don't panic over every ingredient in everything I ingest. I don't inspect/smoosh my boobs to check to see if they still hurt. I can go to the bathroom in peace and don't have to analyze TP every time I go to the bathroom (including trying to check internally for spotting when I go to the bathroom). I can enjoy sex with my husband and not worry pretty much lay there like a frozen person.

This, of course, is the calm before the storm. Before all the testing. Before my appointment that I made with the hematologist. Before trying again and all that goes with it. Heck, this 3rd pg I wasn't even sure I wanted to try again so soon. It was our 3rd cycle after our 2nd loss and we figured sure, let's see what happens? What are the odds? That's obvious now I suppose.

I'm going to enjoy this as much as I can until next Tuesday, which is my first appointment.

The First Step

I'm proud of myself. I have my first appointment with my OB/GYN after my D&E on 11/10 to start to talk about all of the RPL testing (beyond just those that showed a clotting disorder, Factor V Leiden-heterogenous and another one that I don't remember the name of). Well, I started looking for hematologists that specialize in RPL. I emailed an office yesterday to ask about their practice and if anyone could help me. I told them briefly my history (3 losses in 7 months and only taking baby aspirin per my doctor).

I sent this email last night and had a response from the office this morning by 8am. The woman said she spoke to a doctor and they wanted to see me. When I called to schedule an appointment, I asked to speak to the woman who sent the email. The person who answered the phone said "oh, I have your email right here in case you called". I'm going in on November 19th at 3pm.

All of that background didn't tell you why I'm proud of myself I suppose. The thought of the next few months and all the testing, doctors appointments, etc., scares the shit out of me. I got sick to my stomach before I even made the phone call. I did it though. I didn't wait and I made the call. It may not seem like a big deal but in my head, I cleared an enormous hurdle.

Well My "Warm and Fuzzy" Post Didn't Last Long!

So I have a stepson. He's six and he's with us Thurs-Tues every other week. Struggling with IF/RPL, I know you'll understand that with only the third sentence of this post, when I say that he was an "oops", I'm not meaning that to be rude/callous/whatever. It just is what it is. DH was silly and stupid and in a shorter relationship and, well, oopsed. It's an odd situation because he and the other individual barely speak (he tries when it's about DS and she won't). It's an odd situation too because she broke things off with DH when she was two or three months pregnant. Anyway.

DS and I aren't close. I used to try to bond/whatever with him. I gave up. When I say "bond", I don't mean the...oh I want to be your mom-away-from-home bonding. Just trying to make a connection. It's also tough (for DH and me together, not as if we are at odds or anything) because DS can clearly do things in his other household that we don't agree with. But whatever. This all is tough for DH because, well, literally he makes himself pay mentally constantly for the "oops" even more so now because of what he and I have been through. I don't make him feel this way, he pretty much does it to himself. I suggested he see a counselor (either with me or without) but he's not interested.

So that's the background. I'm not upset about this or anything. That's not the point of the background. It's just background. I knew everything from day one and I didn't mind. It's been tough though, with what's going on with us.

Anyway, DS just gave me a "Mom" card, "I Love You So Much" that he made at school. I appreciate the gesture (although he doesn't generally call me "mom", he thinks that any mother figure in his life gets that title, but I digress...)
This is going to sound cold and unfeeling, but he was so proud of this card and I just sort of looked at him. I said thank you and kissed his head but obviously here I am so it bothers me. I don't want him to call me "mom" or any variation of the word. I'm not his mother. I hate when DH refers to me as "mommy" with the dogs. I'm not a mom and I have an empty uterus to show for it.

Oh What A Night...

DH and I had a GREAT night last night. We went out for an official "date night", which included dinner and going to see a comedian. The food was great and it felt soooo good to laugh so hard. We stayed up late and watched the World Series and, well, did other seemingly obvious married-yet date night activities. I share that because it was nice to feel like a wife and a woman again. Getting ready and being told that I looked great (although seriously, DH is blind because I could wear a paper bag and he'd say that) and spending an entire night forgetting everything did more for me than those anti-anxiety pills do!

DH turned to me at dinner and said "This is nice. We haven't done this in a long time." He's right. We're one of those disgusting couples that does pretty much everything together but we don't go out like that often. It made us think back to how we met too (which was on a sort of blind date at a comedy club).

That's my post. No being obnoxious or pining about what could have been.

Oh...I am looking for a clever name to call DH. DH is just so, blah. I'll let you know what I come up with!

YUCK!

I wish I would never have to POAS again! If any of you have any insight to offer with this, please, please let me know!

So I never really know when AF is coming. Even when I used to temp, I never got that sharp hey, she's almost here drop. So, I only have OPKs to rely on. They at least give me some sort of window, even though my LP is different each cycle. DH and I are taking this cycle off too (and probably the next) so the OPKs will give us an idea of when NOT to DTD (I know we should use a more reliable form of BC but hey, isn't one of the joys of being hitched being able to ditch those yucky condoms??) So I want to track when I O so I know when to not get frisky and also to see the witch's estimated arrival.

I'm just curious...how similar is your LP from cycle to cycle?

I Got It! My Halloween Costume!!

That's right, after days (weeks really) of agonizing!

It may appear as if I'm not dressed up at all but I am, you see...

I'm a FERTILE woman who hasn't miscarried three times in 7 months!! YAY!!!

Maybe I can pretend, just for a day.

Random thought of the day

You know you're addicted to FB when...

you know that today is the day the new Bejeweled Blitz tournament starts!

Unraveling...

From what I've read (thanks, fellow bloggers!) and from what I've gathered, it's completely normal, when on this IF/miscarriage/RPL journey to have highs and lows. Coming to this realization has helped a great deal. I was quite perplexed last week when my therapist told me everything I was feeling was normal. Um, WHAT??

I feel like that perfect sweater. You know the one. It's gorgeous. Its color just speaks to you. When you touch it, it feel amazing. When you try it on, it feels as if it was made specifically for your body. It's cozy, soft and warm and fits in just the way that it makes your hips feel spectacular. When you wear it, you feel like you do on no other day. Your hair can be uncooperative on that day. A zit? Ha! You're wearing your sweater! You feel sexy and special and want to be touched.

At some point in your glorious love affair with your sweater, you notice it. That little pull. ACK!!! You may try to cut it. You may try to do the inside-out-sleeve-shove-it-in-trick. However, it's lost a little of its luster. You're concerned when you wear it. What would you do without it? Why didn't you buy another? Could you find a replacement? You know the answer...never.

Then one day, and it could be later rather than sooner, it starts. It starts to unravel. No matter how great it once was or how desperately you try to save it, the sweater is no more.

That's how I feel. I'm not saying the sweater is me. Believe me, I'd consider myself far from gorgeous. I'm not sure if I'm referring to what was once my happy life that now has a dark cloud over it, or if it's the disillusionment I feel about my female reproductive self. Either way, it freaking SUCKS. And "freaking" isn't really the word I want to use, I'm just still minding my manners in the world of blogging. Believe me, at some point you'll think my blog should be called "sailor girl".

Some things to be happy about

I feel badly, being new to this whole blogging thing, and coming across as this sad, whiny, depressed person. I'm not. I have vowed to not let these losses destroy me.

Sometimes I'll post about other things, not even related to TTC! Imagine that!

I thought I'd introduce you to two things that make me happy...
Nittany (our yellow lab) and Lewie (our black lab mix)

Lewie I rescued when I was single. That dog got me through some rough times (you know, single in your late 20's/early 30's when everyone around you is either married and/or having children). He's a great pooch. Nittany has been with us for a little over a year. We're not sure how old she is, but we're guessing three. She's also our Dock Dog. She jumps in those competitions you may have seen on ESPN. Her longest jump was 19'11"!

I'm not a judgemental person, I just play one in my blog.

My step-SIL had her baby. For those of you who don't know, this is the same SIL that shared my EDD with me from my first m/c.

I'm not sure why that date, 11/25/09, is weighing so heavily in my mind. I mean, I've had three m/c. I think it's because it was the first time I was ever pg. DH and I were both so ecstatic and started talking and planning right away.

SIL never understood why I had difficulty with all of this. I tried to explain after my first m/c that I needed some space. Then we had our second one. She started asking people in the family why I was mad at her. UM, I'M NOT. I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN YOU. I'M SORRY THAT I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO YOU WHY THIS IS DIFFICULT FOR ME AND YOU JUST DON'T GET IT.

Anyway, her water broke back in early October. My MIL called and woke DH and I up at 6am to tell us that her water broke and asked for my other SIL's cell number, who is studying to be a nurse. MIL was freaking out...she's only 30 weeks!!! She's only 30 weeks!!! Actually, no she's not. She's over 32 weeks. I know. I should be as pregnant as she is. Now, I realize her water breaking that early is bad. But 32 weeks is much better than 30 weeks. DH gave MIL the phone number and hung up. I still don't know why MIL called. It's not complicated...she should go to the hospital!! I lost it. When MIL called DH later in the day for an "update", DH asked to not hear the play-by-play and explained that he cared how she was but it was too tough. MIL apologized profusely.

Well, I found out tonight that SIL had her baby. How? MIL had a picture on her dining room table. I went over to visit and there she was. I quickly left and asked DH if SIL had her baby. Yes, he said. Ok, well I understand we didn't want a play-by-play but being told that she had her baby is entirely different. DH only found out himself last week when he stopped in to see his mother at work and the pic was there. No one wanted to tell him and he didn't want to tell me. Gee, thanks. WTF???

SIL isn't married. Her BF is 9 years younger than she is and is unemployed. He's also an alcoholic. Yes, seriously. He won't marry her. He doesn't want to. So, SIL decided she would just get pregnant instead. Freaking wonderful. This is the same SIL that I was there for when DH and I got engaged and she found out and lost it. I told her privately, because I knew she'd be upset (although I drew the line when she asked if she could try on my ring). So that's me...passing judgement on her. SIL thinks that children only get screwed up or don't do well in school when their parents don't love them enough. Yeah, good luck with that.

I'm planning a few days away for DH and me so we're away for 11/25. I hope that makes it a little easier.

What's my label?

Ah, insomnia. Well, at least I didn't wake up with swine flu. I was feeling all day yesterday like impeding doom...I took cold medicine before I went to bed (um, isn't that supposed to knock me out??) and woke up not feeling any worse. YAY! My students (and colleagues, for that matter) were dropping like flies in school.

First, I get why labels are bad and that we shouldn't feel confined/defined by them. But in all seriousness...I'm not sure where I fit.

We've been TTC for 13 cycles (since 7/08). My cycles are on the longer side (33-35ish days) but with our losses, some of those cycles were a little longer than the usual longer.

According to my doc, I fit the label "AMA". When she said this at first I was puzzled (again, it was at my disasterous prenatal visit)...um, American Medical Association? But I'm a teacher??? Thanks to the wonderful ladies who pointed out earlier that AMA is a silly label. After all, since I just turned 35, shouldn't it be more like AAMA??? ALMOST advanced maternal age?? Oh right, I'm not pg anymore...so I guess it doesn't matter.

Anyway, three losses brings me to the RPL label. YUCK. If I'm able to get pg though (and just not STAY pg), is that IF? I'm not sure what exactly it is I'm struggling with, except for that all of this just plain sucks. I'm really just asking because there have been a few times, whether I'm commenting on a blog or posting myself, that it's come up in my head. I wasn't sure what to put for the three words to describe my blog for ICLW. I also don't want to come across as insensitive...my struggle with RPL is different, but still painful. After my first two losses my doctor (who I do love) said to me, "well, the GOOD news is that you can get pg". Um, ok. Seriously though, if someone can cook but it tastes like complete shit, what's the point?

I'm an ICLW newbie (and a last minute one at that!)

and from the blogs I've been reading, I realized I should jump in and introduce myself with my "story".

So I'm Kelly. With my birthday last month, I just became eligible to run for President of the United States! I live in Pennsylvania, a bit of a transplanted city girl. I now live at the base of a mountain where the NY Times can't be delivered on a Sunday morning! On a non-TTC note, I'm an avid reader. I also love to travel and to go antiquing (when I have the time). I have two awesome furbabies, a black lab mix that I rescued seven years ago and a yellow lab that we rescued a little over a year ago. The yellow lab is our Dock Dog!

I met DH when I relocated to this area 2 1/2 years ago to take a new job. I teach with my SIL, who decided to try to set us up. We all went to a comedy club the night I met DH.

I always kept a "list" of criteria that a member of the opposite sex must have before I even CONSIDERED dating them. However, when I moved to the area, I had just gone through a bad break-up and definitely was NOT looking to get involved with anyone. When this group outing came up though I thought, what the heck. Why not? It would be a great way to get to know new people. People that I knew who knew future DH always talked about how wonderful he was. He didn't fit ANY of my previous prerequisites. (Ex. I had been a vegetarian for 13 years and he was a hunter).

After a week, we both talked about not seeing other people. It just always felt so natural and right with him. I knew he was it for me very early on. I moved in with him six months later and after eight months, we were engaged. We were married in a small ceremony in my MIL's garden in June 2008. I tossed my BCP in the trash on our honeymoon. We knew getting pregnant could take a while, but we didn't realize what was in store for us.

Our first BFP came in March of 2008. My HCG levels never really rose and I had a m/c at about five weeks. That's the EDD that's stuck in my head. It's coming up...11/25/09, the same day my SIL is due.

We didn't prevent the next cycle (after all, it took us eight months to get our first BFP) and we got pg right away. I started spotting at 5.5 weeks and after two u/s, our LO didn't grow beyond 6 weeks. I had a D&E and we took off the next two cycles.

We got our BFP the first cycle we started trying again (Sept 09). I started spotting (again at 5.5 weeks) and had an u/s that looked good. I was diagnosed though with a small subchorionic hemtaoma. Here begins the roller coaster. At our follow-up u/s (at 6 weeks) my dr told us a m/c was imminent. He drew HCG and progesterone to confirm. When those tests came back great...another u/s. We saw our little bean's HB, nice and strong. We were over the moon.

At our first prenatal appointment (at 9 weeks) we had another u/s. It showed our little bean never made it past 6w3d and no HB. I had another D&E.

We're currently in limbo, waiting a couple weeks for my appointment before we start all of the testing to see what's up. I was diagnosed with a clotting disorder over the summer and was taking baby aspirin. Next time, I want to try heparin. I also have had CD3 b/w done and and u/s and all were fine. I have hypothyroidism, which is under control.

I can't help but think that the losses are all my fault. I never wanted to have children and all DH and I want are a child that we can raise together. It just kills me that he gives me the world and I, month after month and pregnancy after pregnancy, let him down. I am trying desperately to not let the losses destroy me and our happiness.

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far!

I'm so glad I love my job.

After I made this leap this week and went back to work, I began to feel better. That doesn't mean that I don't sob on the way home in the car every day or that I'm not sad, but I'm so grateful to have a job that engages me and energizes me (even without the anti-anxiety drugs my doc gave me!)

I'm a high school teacher (9th and 12th graders, specifically). Sure, sometimes the kids can be rude, lazy, and whatever else those adolescent stereotypes are. At the end of the day though, I love their energy. I love to teach them things and I enjoy the challenge of engaging them on a daily basis. I know that I teach them things every day, but my students really have no idea how much they teach me and how much they bring to my life.

I will reread this post when I'm grumbling about grading their projects later on this weekend. :)

Welcome, ICLWers!

I'm still new to this whole blogging thing, and even newer to ICLW. If you're reading, welcome! I look forward to getting to know you and learning from your insight and experience. :)

Go Phillies!

In many ways, I can be very much a girly-girl, but not when it comes to sports!

I'm excited that the Phillies have made it back to the World Series! Somehow, through the luck of a lottery I entered on the Phillies website, I was able to get tickets to Game 4 last year. Not just any tickets...they were down the first base line, 25 rows from the field. DH was absolutely, positively giddy. I loved seeing him like that. He caught a ball at batting practice and gave it to a young boy standing near him who was at the game with his father, which touched me a great deal. Unfortunately, I tried to register for the lottery this year too late so we won't be going.

Perhaps my love of sports is why a current State Farm commercial bothers me so badly. It's the one with all the sports t-shirts on babies, children and even dogs. What really gets me choked up is the woman at the game (supporting the Phillies with her husband), wh is wearing a t-shirt with a red arrow, pointing to her pregnant belly, that says "Rookie of the Year".

Gosh, why does everything in life seem to all come back to TTC? *SIGH*

I'm losing a friend

and I'm not really sure how to handle it.

You see, I have a friend, L. L and I work together and live relatively close to one another. We aren't BFFs or anything, but I work with her and enjoy spending time with her (when both of our schedules work). The thing about L is that she is one of the best listeners, ever. She has paid me the same compliment. She is a true and genuine person, which we all know are rarities in this world.

The day that I told L that I was in fact still pregnant (and that the initial u/s was just too early to see anything) she was overjoyed for me. She listened as I told her all about seeing the HB and how we thanked God that we still had our little bean.

L then said how cool it would be, us delivering together and all. WHAT?? How we'll get big bellies together and can spend time together next summer with our infants and our dogs. She has a 1 year old daughter and her and her husband officially started TTC this cycle. I introduced her to the world of OPKs. Guess they worked.

The first thought that popped in my head when she shared all this with me was...OH SHIT. What if I have a m/c again?

I can't bear to look at her. I miss her so much but I can't. I can't look at her. I can't look at her without feeling like I'm about to vomit on the spot. All I see is the hell that I'm now forced to live in. She is due a week after I would have been.

To L...please know that I love you and I miss you terribly. You deserve a better friend than I am in your life and I'm so, so sorry I'm pretty much punishing you for what I'm going through. I just hope one day you can forgive me.

Does this mean I'm old?

First, physically I don't feel old. Although I just turned 35, I don't feel like I look it (generally, people are surprised if I tell them how old I am). A few things though made me think that perhaps I SHOULD feel old.

I distinctly remember at last year's PSU homecoming game walking around campus and seeing people with buttons..."Class of 1996" (hey, I started HS a year early so I graduated from college at 21). They all looked sooo old. I kept asking DH, OMG, do I look THAT old? He kept laughing and saying no. I wanted to exchange my button.

At my disasterous prenatal visit last week, the doctor used the term AMA, "advanced maternal age". She said there could be additional concerns and may do additional testing later on in the pg. Well, I don't have to worry about that currently, but I'm sure next time my maternal age will even be more advanced.

I'm trying to find some cute new shoes. I usually try to make at least one good, solid purchase each season. Something that's trendy but not so trendy it won't last beyond a season. Something though that could be a little expensive, if it's worth it. I can't find anything! What's up with these peep-toe boots? Or over the heel boots? I'm sorry, but I have trouble even wearing my high (almost to the knee boots) to school because EVERYONE (kids, adults, etc) calls them "hooker boots". Even those who wear them. I'm also not getting the "feminine details" with all the flouncy looking bows and such strategically placed on purple, stilleto type shoes that also have a platform base at the ball of the foot. What?? I'm a teacher in a rural district, so pumps don't really work. That doesn't meant I walk in cow shit in the halls or anything, but if I wear a heel it can't be a crazy heel (so, I don't want to appear taller than 5'6" or anything!)

So I guess I'm wondering...am I missing something this year? Any suggestions?

Well, I did it...sort of

What a yucky day. I felt and looked like crap. Kids kept asking me if I was ok, why I was out, etc. etc. They're just kids and were being nice (well, the 9th graders asked all the questions because they didn't really know any better and the seniors, I'm sure, just talked about it all amongst themselves.)

By the end of the day I had a meltdown in my car and I had to call DH to drive me to therapy. I felt so, so much better. Poor woman. She knew how nervous I was about being pregnant and when she opened the door to the waiting room to get me, she had this hopeful look on her face and I lost it.

Afterwards, DH and I went to my favorite nursery. Not the baby kind...the flowers kind. I got a gigantic mum for my whiskey barrel in front of my house and also a brownie scented candle. I also actually ate today (pizza, yum!) Please don't worry about me wasting away to nothing. I have some cushion to lose (let's see, the 10 newlywed pounds and then the 10 oh shit I had three miscarriages pounds).

I'm staying home tomorrow though. I may play in the garden. I may take my dogs for a long walk. I may feel frisky and drive to the enormous mall two hours away and go shoe shopping. But I will be off, at least. I just need to do that for me.

Speaking of flowers, I received these beautiful roses on Thursday from four wonderfully supportive women that I *met*, courtesy of ivillage. I don't know what I would have done throughout this journey without their support. The flowers still look gorgeous and still make me smile. Thank you again. :)

I don't think I can do it

I've been gearing up as much as I could today to return to work tomorrow. I've been catching up on grading, planning, etc. Earlier I was at such a better place in my head.

For the past two hours, I can't get myself to stop shaking and my heart to stop racing. I don't know if I can go back tomorrow. Gosh that would be FIVE DAYS. Plus, I was out four days earlier this year already (for those of you who knew, the 1st time this pregnancy when we were told we were going to lose the baby and didn't).

What am I afraid of? I'm going to look like complete hell. I'm not a good faker. At all. People and kids are going to be talking about me and asking how I am/where I was. I don't know if I can answer those questions. I dont' have faith in myself to be able to answer those questions. I had planned on blowing it off and saying the flu (for those of you who are teachers, you probably know the blow-off approach I'm talking about when a kid asks something you'd rather not talk about). I don't know if have that in me yet.